Sunday, December 4, 2005

SOME THOUGHTS

IT'S FUNNY...JIMMY HASN'T CALLED ME YET, TODAY.  WELL, I GUESS HE IS VERY BUSY AT THE STORE......MAYBE HE'S TIRED OF ME.........I CAn'T BLAME HIM....I'D BE TIRED OF ME , TOO.  I MUST BE A BORING PERSON TO HIM...FINALLY.

I'D BE BORED OF ME, TOO..........A WIFE WHO IS A RECLUSE, THAT SITS AT HOME, FEELING SORRY FOR HERSELF........FOR ALMOST 3 YEARS.  WHAT MAN WOULD WANT THAT KIND OF WOMAN?

WE ALL MAKE OUR OWN LIFE.  MY MOTHER, WHO HAS BEEN DECEASED FOR 20 YEARS NOW, ALWAYS SAID ,  REPEATEDLY TO ME WHEN GROWING UP, "YOU MAKE YOUR OWN BED, YOU LIE IN IT."

BOTH OF MY PARENTS DIED RIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS....THAT IS ANOTHER REASON I FEEL SO HAPPY AT CHRISTMAS, I GUESS....IT IS THE WORST TIME OF YEAR FOR ME, AND VERY DEPRESSING........MY FATHER DIED, UNEXPECTEDLY ON DECEMBER 2, 1984, AND MY MOTHER DIED ON DECEMBER 15, 1985, EXACTLY ONE YEAR LATER...SHE HAD HER LEG AMPUTATED THE PREVIOUS YEAR, AND DIED SUDDENLY OF A HEART ATTACK RIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS.....SHE WAS THE "MATRIARCH" OF MY FAMILY, AND ONCE GONE, CHRISTMAS WAS NO MORE.........I WAS 32 AT THE TIME.... 

AND NOW, HAVING A HUSBAND WHO IS WITHIN THE PRISON SYSTEM...OH YES, CHRISTMAS IS SURELY A JOLLY TIME.

I REMEMBER GOING BACK TO WORK, A FEW DAYS AFTER MY MOTHER'S FUNERAL.....IT WAS NEW YORK CITY, AND THE HOLIDAY BUSTLE WAS IN THE AIR!..........I JUST WONDERED WHAT EVERYONE WAS SO HAPPY ABOUT..........I HAD JUST LOST MY MOTHER...THE CENTER OF MY WORLD, ALWAYS BEING "MOMMY'S LITTLE GIRL.".......AND EVERYONE ELSE SEEMED SO HAPPY, AND WORRIED ABOUT RUSHING AROUND BUYING PRESENTS, ETC..........I WALKED INTO THE HOSPITAL, AND MET MY SUPERVISOR ON THE ELEVATOR...........I COULD BARELY SAY THE WORDS, "MY MOTHER JUST DIED," AS TEARS WERE TRICKLING DOWN MY FACE.  HE SAID, "FRAN, YOU'RE NOT READY YET TO COME BACK TO WORK."  I SAID , "YES I AM.  I HAVE TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE.  IT'S LIKE I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF."..........SO, I ENGROSSED MYSELF WITH THE SICK AND DYING, AS I WORKED AS AN R.N. ON ONE OF THE FIRST AIDS UNITS, AND I FELT MUCH BETTER.

THE FIRST YEAR OF JIMMY'S INCARCERATION AT BAYSIDE STATE PRISON, I DECORATED THE HOUSE............I WAS ALWAYS OPTIMISTIC THAT JIMMY WOULD BE SENT HOME FOR CHRISTMAS.............THE YEAR WAS 2003.

BOXES OF CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS WERE BEING SHIPPED TO ME FROM OUR HOME IN LAS VEGAS.................AND SO I DECORATED....AND DECORATED ....AND DECORATED.

AND OUR HOUSE HERE, IN NEW JERSY, TURNED INTO A WINTER WONDERLAND.  I HAD HUNG  3, YES 3 , TREES......WE HAVE  EXTENSIVE DECORATONS.........VICTORIAN VILLAGES WITH A TRAIN, A LAKE, ALL THE LITTLE PEOPLE..........ChURCHES AND  VICTORIAN HOMES AND BUILDINGS WITH LIGHTS..........GORGEOUS!  BEAUTIFUL!.............SANTAS THAT DANCED AND SANG...........THE BALLERINA FROM THE NUTCRACKER SUITE, THAT DANCED AND PLAYED MUSIC.........LIFE SIZED SANTAS, AND FROSTY THE SNOWMAN...............LARGE STUFFED ANIMALS......3 NATIVITY SCENES......EVERYNIGHT I TURNED ON THE CHRISTMAS TREE LIGHTS.......MY FAVORITE WAS THE WHITE TREE WE BOUGHT TOGETHER, WITH ORNAMENTS OF DOLLS, AND ANIMALS, AND LITTLE TOYS...................

I HAD OUR HOUSE "GLOWING, " WHILE JIMMY WAS IN PRISON............JIMMY LIKED IT THAT WAY.........HE IS A HOLIDAY PERSON, BIG ON DECORATIONS....

AND SO, THAT YEAR, 2003, CHRISTMAS CAME AND WENT......I WAITED FOR JIMMY TO COME HOME, BUT HE DIDN'T....NO MIRACLES HAPPENED THAT YEAR , FOR ME.

I REFUSED TO TAKE THE TREES AND DECORATIONS DOWN, IN EXPECTATION THAT JIMMY WOULD BE HOME.........

AND SO, THE SPRING CAME........

THE TRRES AND DECORATIONS STAYED.

IT WAS MAY 2004.

JIMMY BEGGED ME TO TAKE THE DECORATIONS DOWN.

I SAID, I LIKE THE GLOW OF THE LIGHTS, AND THE DARK ROOM...I FEEL COMFORTABLE HERE, IN MY COZY HOUSE.

UPON HIS INSISTING, I TOOK EVERYTHING DOWN.

"OPEN UP THE WINDOWS, AND BLINDS.......LET IN THE FRESH SPRING AIR, AND SUNSHINE, FRAN," HE BEGGED ME.

AND SO I DID WHAT HE ASKED....AND IT WAS NICE TO LET GO OF CHRISTMAS AND LET IN THE NEW YEAR, AND THE SPRING..............."FRAN, I WANT SUNSHINE IN THAT HOUSE.  I WANT THE CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS GONE, "  MY HUSBAND INSTRUCTEDME, FROM PRISON.

THE FOLLOWING CHRISTMAS, WHICH WAS LAST YEAR, I BOUGHT ONE NEW DECORATION, AND PUT IT ON MY TABLE...........IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL STATUE OF A DEER..IT IS MADE OF WIRE, AND FILLED WITH WHITE STONES......THE STANCE OF THE DEER, IS THAT HIS HEAD IS TURNED UPWARDS, LOOKING TO THE SKY.................HE IS MY INSPIRATION.......

THIS IS THE THIRD CHRISTMAS.  I PUT THE SAME DEER ON THE TABLE, AS HE LOOKS UPWARD TO THE SKY..........

WELL, ENOUGH OF MY THOUGHTS FOR NOW.....I COULD GO ON AND ON, BUT I DON'T WANT TO BORE YOU, IN THIS HAPPY AND EXCITING SEASON........HAVE FUN....HAVE A NICE DAY............FRAN

2 comments:

lv2trnscrb said...

Fran, you need to write down these thoughts. I think its a good way to get some of your feelings out and to help yourself heal. You aren't boring me if you write them.

I bet by now Jimmy has called you. He is not bored of you; how could he be bored of you? He loves you very much and takes such good care of you; even if he is not there all the time right now, but one day soon he will be.

You hang in there. This is a sad time for a lot of people too. But remember the future, not just the future of when you will be with Jimmy all the time but when we are celebrating with Jesus for all of eternity!

betty

derasta said...

It could just be he is very busy and can't get to the phone...don't worry he will call when he gets a chance...After losing my father I too felt the same way about holidays in the beginning...wondering if I would ever be happy again during the holidays...I think the holidays are bittersweet for many many people...I always do them up with a real bang, but I always have a heavy heart inside of me for those that I have lost in my life....

http://journals.aol.com/derasta/MyBigFatGreekLife/