Saturday, February 19, 2005

THE ANSWER LIES WITHIN

I AM SITTING HERE, ALONE, AS USUAL TONIGHT, HAVING SPOKEN TO JIMMY SEVERAL TIMES TONIGHT...HE KEPT CALLING ME BACK......HE JUST DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE ME ALONE, BECAUSE OF THE PENSIVE MOOD I WAS IN.......WHAT WE DISCUSSED WAS WHAT I FOUND AS I OPENED MY COMPUTER JUST NOW........IN THE LAST ENTRY, THERE IS A COMMENT, THAT MADE ME VERY EMOTIONAL, AND I A M SITTING HERE CRYING.........IT IS A MOST BEAUTIFUL COMMENT, AS ALL THE COMMENTS AND E-MAILS HAVE BEEN THAT ARE SENT TO ME, AND I AM TRYING TO SLOWLY ANSWER EVERYONE..........

...........YES, JANET.........I REMEMBER YOU VERY WELL.......FROM PREVIOUS COMMENTS...........YOUR LETTER TO ME WAS VERY "TOUCHING," AND VERY BEAUTIFUL............I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND ME DISCUSSING IT HERE, FOR EVERYONE TO SEE..........I THINK OTHERS CAN LEARN FROM YOU, AND WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY..............I WILL TRY TO GIVE YOU SOME ANSWERS, BUT I AM NOT AN EXPERT ON THE SUBJECT OF 'HAVING A HUSBAND IN PRISON.".......BUT I WILL TRY TO SHARE WITH YOU, WHAT I HAVE LEARNED ALONG THE WAY..........AND I HOPE IT HELPS YOU AND OTHERS............

WHEN I MET MY HUSBAND ON MARCH 2003, FIRST ON-LINE, THEN ON A PHONE, THEM IN PERSON 2 WEEKS LATER, I DID NOT SEE A CRIMINAL..........IN MY EYES, HE WAS, AND STILL IS A WONDERFUL PERSON...........I SAW BEYOND THE FACT THAT I WAS MARRYING A CRIMINAL........HE GAVE ME SO MUCH LOVE AND DEVOTION, I SAW NOTHING ELSE.................HE IS A WONDERFUL PERSON, WHO GOT INVOLVED WITH THE WRONG PEOPLE, AND HE MADE A MISTAKE..........WHICH HE IS NOW SORRY FOR...............................I LOVED HIM, AND I LOVE HIM NOW................IT IS WHAT IS IN YOUR HEART, AND SOUL.............IF YOU LOVE YOUR MAN, YOU JUST LOVE HIM, AND THAT IS IT..........YOU WILL KNOW IT........IT IS SOMETHING THAT NO ONE CAN PUT INTO WORDS...........................................I AM THE MOST UNLIKELY PERSON IN THIS WORLD TO BE MARRIED TO A CRIMINAL...............I HAVE A PROFESSION, WORKED HARD IN MY CAREER, HAVE ADVANCED DEGREES FROM UNIVERSITIES, NURSING LICENSES IN 5 STATES..............BEEN THERE, DONE THAT....................I COME FROM A FAMILY OF PROFESIONALS, WHERE EVEN THE WORD "CRIMINAL" SENDS SHIVERS THROUGH THEIR SPINE................

YES, I AM "PROUD" OF JIMMY..............THE NIGHT BEFORE HE WENT TO COURT, TO TURN HIMSELF IN,  I TOLD HIM, AT HOME, AS WE SAT TOGETHER, IN OUR BEDROOM, "JIMMY, I AM PROUD OF YOU....I AM PROUD OF YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING TO TURN YOURSELF IN.".................IT WAS SIMPLY STATED............AND THOSE EXACT WORDS STAYED WITH HIM THROUGHOUT HIS WHOLE INCARCERATION, AND HE REPEATED THEM TO ME OVER AND OVER.............HE REPEATED THEM NOT ONLY TO ME, BUT HE TOLD THE PSYCHIATRISTS, COUNSELORS, AND OTHER PEOPLE WHO WERE EVALUATING AND WORKING WITH HIM............THEIR ANSWER TO HIM, WAS ALWAYS THE SAME....."YOU HAVE A VERY UNIQUE WIFE, BECAUSE MOST WOMEN DON'T FEEL THAT WAY.".............AND TO THIS DAY, I STILL TELL HIM I AM PROUD OF HIM............

YOUR WORDS, JANET, ARE VERY TOUCHING AND EMOTIONAL TO ME.  YOU SAID,"YOU HAVE SOMETHING THAT I WANT AND CANNOT FIND...RESPECT FOR AND PRIDE IN YOUR HUSBAND.".............JANET, ALL THOSE FEELINGS WILL ONLY COME NATURALLY WITH TIME........THIS IS A TIME OF HEALING FOR YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND, AS HE EMERGES OUT OF PRISON...YOU MUST FOLLOW YOUR HEART AND SOUL, HAVE FAITH IN THE LORD, AND ALL ELSE WILL FOLLOW, EASILY.....DON'T PUSH ANYTHING..................LET YOUR TIME WITH YOUR HUSBAND FLOW............

IT IS FUNNY BECAUSE TONIGHT I SAID TO JIMMY....."YOUR WIFE HAS BECOME A STRANGE WOMAN.....SHE LIKES TO STAY AT HOME AND NOT GO OUT ANYMORE, AS I ONCE DID.."...I HAVE ALL ALONG TRIED TO EXPLAIN TO JIMMY THAT TIME HAS MOVED ON......IT IS NO LONGER MARCH 28, 2003...THE DAY HE WENT TO JAIL............I'M NO LONGER THE SAME........IN FACT NO ONE IS............AND THEN I SAY, 'I ALMOST FEEL ABNORMAL.".........IT IS ABNORMAL TO BE A MARRIED WOMAN WITHOUT A HUSBAND AT HER SIDE..........TO BE DEVOTED AND WAITING.............SO MANY PRISON WIVES ARE NOT LIKE THAT.............BECAUSE IT IS SO HARD, TO LIVE IN THIS LITTLE PLACE THAT DOESN'T EXIST..........TO RESIST MAKING MALE FRIENDSHIPS, ETC..........AFTER ALL, WE ARE YOUNG, VIBRANT WOMEN...........IT IS ALL SO CONFUSING, AND TRUTHFULLY I DON'T HAVE THE ANSWER.............WELL YES, I DO, ON SECOND THOUGHT...............THE ANSWER LIES WITHIN YOUR HEART AND SOUL...............AND FOR ME, I LOVE AND AM IN LOVE WITH JIMMY, SO I REMAIN DEVOTED TO HIM............

JANET, I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU THAT YOUR HUSBAND WILL SOON BE OUT, AND 5 YEARS MUST HAVE BEEN A LONG TIME FOR YOU.........I LOOKED AT YOUR PICTURE, AND SAW IN YOUR EYES A DEVOTED WOMAN...........YOU ALSO LED ME IN YOUR PREVIOUS COMMENTS TO READ PROVERB 31, WHICH SAYS EVERYTHING ABOUT MARRIAGE.........I WISH YOU BOTH ALL THE BEST, AND I'M SURE EVERYTHING WILL MOVE ALONG SMOOTHLY......................JUST REMEMBER, THE ANSWER ALWAYS LIES WITHIN..................................FRAN

.......PROVERB 31 HAS BECOME MY FAVORITE.........IT SAYS SOMETHING THAT CAN PERTAIN TO ALL MARRIED WOMEN.......

PROVERB 31.....THE IDEAL WIFE

......WHEN ONE FINDS A WORTHY WIFE, HER VALUE IS FAR BEYOND PEARLS.

.....HER HUSBAND, ENTRUSTING HIS HEART TO HER, HAS AN UNFAILING PRIZE.

....SHE BRINGS HIM GOOD, AND NOT EVIL,  ALL THE DAYS OF HER LIFE............................................................

...............................SHE IS CLOTHED WITH STRENGTH AND DIGNITY.................

.......SHE OPENS HER MOUTH IN WISDOM, AND ON HER TONGUE IS KINDLY COUNSEL.....................................

.....SHE WATCHES THE CONDUCT OF HER HOUSEHOLD......

...........CHARM IS DECEPTIVE AND BEAUTY FLEETING...THE WOMAN   WHO FEARS THE LORD IS TO BE PRAISED..............

6 comments:

paintsaqha said...

Fran,
What a touching and lovely post... It brought tears to my eyes reading about the depth of love you have for Jimmy... I hope you find nothing but happiness together.

Sheryl

terra19728 said...

Fran,
About 8 years ago I met the love of my life, he was in prison.  Like you I was the least likely person you would met who was in love with a convict.  I had never been in trouble with the law, I was a Sunday School teacher and director of Awana's.  My best friend started a prison ministry so I helped her.  Lets just say I met my ex.  I waited 8 months for him.  When he got out it took some adjusting, but we were crazy about eachother.  life was good.  Read my entry in my journal from yesterday and you will find out what happened.
http://journals.aol.com/terra19728/8ISENOUGH
I know I didn't say it all, but I tried.  Read the entry called "This Is Wierd"
Just trying to say I have been in your shoes.

Terra

p00kie2323 said...

lovely and touching as always

misshmtn said...

Fran,

For starters, I read your article in The Press of AC.  Just over a year ago, the love of my life was sent 300 miles away to sit in a jail cell for the next 20 years to possibly the rest of his life.  A crime he had committed, a wrong decision he made, changed his, as well as my life forever.  I was not married to this man, however engaged.  For two years, I unconditionally loved him.  From the moment his hand touched mine, I knew.  I knew I had met my soulmate.  I can not say our relationship was perfect, because it was far from that.  He had financial issues, alcohol issues, drug issues.  Through it all, I stood by him.  I wanted his life to be better for him. Unfortunently, there was nothing I could have done more, except love him.  That is exactly what I did.  I can go on and on, but I would exceed my character limit.  In a nutshell, after he was jailed, I have spoken with him twice.  I found out he was married.  Investigators told me they were together, but he has told me in a letter that that statement was partly false.  He did admit that they were married, but seperated for seven years because they never had the money to get a divorce.  I still love him.  At 22 years old, my life has been torn to shambles.  I will never see him again. I guess it is best that I don't because I need to move forward and focus on my career.  I love him still, and forever will. No one can or will ever replace my Johnny.  I want you to stay strong my dear. Instead of just looking ahead to tomorrow, look ahead to the day he is relased.  Look to the day when you can hold him close again. I wish you all the strength to get through this ordeal.

barbpinion said...

It saddens me that a man's mistakes too often get negative reactions: criticism, judgement, and a self-righteous attitude. Not one man or woman walking this planet can say they never screwed up. NOT ONE!  We all need love. We all need somebody in our life who sees the good ...not just the bad we've done. I wish you and your husband many years of happiness. If GOD is at the center of your hearts your love will be blessed indeed. Keeping both of you in prayer. *Barb*
http://journals.aol.com/barbpinion/HEYLETSTAL
http://journals.aol.com/barbpinion/ALittleBitOfHeaven

ginskia said...

This is all bring tears to my eyes.  Can I talk about you in my journal and ask others to support you?  I have understanding friends here who don't judge.

Another thing;  I now have to lay this on you but my cousin is sitting in prison and as children we were inseperable and as adults we did a lot together and spent a lot of time together.  I cry a lot thinking of her and she now gets upset with me because she thinks I am the mother hen.  All I tried to do was try to keep her from getting into trouble since I knew she would get caught one day.  I told her to stop doing what she was doing. Now she is paying very dearly.  She says a lot of hurtful things to me now and all I want to do is help her.

I wish I was the expert on prison wives so that I could help you more and the other prison families who come here and leave comments.  I also read your articles on ezine.  They were very well done.  Yes, they need support groups for prison wives and the children.  I have been on this computer a lot researching about the prisons and what we can do.  The funding has been cut and they are taking away everything from the prisons.  I have not given up.  Once I take my board exams, I am going to try to start a mission here.  Maybe you and I can start an AOL group on prison families here.  Let me know.

Love and Hugs,
Anita