the story of being a criminal's wife

THE STORY OF BEING A CRIMINAL'S WIFE IS THIS:  THE FIRST WEDDING ANNIVERSARY HE IS INCARCERATED, YOU SIT HOME AND CRY ALL DAY, LOOKING AT YOUR WEDDING PIX.  THE SECOND WEDDING ANNIVERSARY, YOU SIT AROUND CRYING, AGAIN, HOPING HE WILL SOON BE HOME.  AND THE THIRD WEDDING ANNIVERSARY, YOU SIT AT HOME, NUMB, NO LONGER LOOKING AT YOUR PAST PIX, UNHAPPY, WONDERING TO YOURSELF JUST WHY YOU GOT YOURSELF INVOLVED IN THIS LIFE WITH HIM, JUST WHY DID YOU MARRY THIS CRIMINAL, AND WHY DO I TORTURE MYSELF SITTING HERE, WAITING FOR HIM.  AND I KNOW YOU WILL BE SURPRISED TO READ THIS .  BUT THIS JOURNAL IS BASED ON TRUTH.  ON MY FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS.  AND THAT IS THE TRUTH FOR TODAY.  ON TOP OF IT ALL, JIMMY JUST CALLED ME AND SAID , ALL TH PEOPLE IN HIS STORE  ARE MAD AT HIM, BECAUSE THEY ALWAYS SAY HOW WONDERFUL OUR MARRIAGE IS, AND THEN, ON OUR ANNIVERSARY, HE IS NOYT WITH ME.  YES, JIMMY IS A PRISONER, NOT ONLY OF THE PRISON SYSTEM, BUT NOW ALSO HIS JOB...IT'S OK.  WE'LL JUST SEE WHERE IT'S GOING TO LEAD.  I'M NOT SITTING HERE FOREVER WAITING FOR HIM...ALL THE OTHER GUYS SEE THEIR WIVES ON PASSES, BUT JIMMY HASN'T DONE IT YET.  IT'S OK.  WE WILL NOW SEE WHERE THIS WILL LEAD.  I WOULDN'T SIT HERE WAITING FOREVER...AFTER ALL, THE WEATHER IS TOO NICE......DO YOU REALIZE, THIS JOURNAL IS LIKE A "REALITY TV SHOW," ONLY IT IS A "REALITY JOURNAL," AND YOU JUST MAY BE THE FIRST TO READ ABOUT ...WHO KNOWS WHAT!

our 4th wedding anniversary

TOMORROW, APRIL 29TH , IS OUR 4TH WEDDING ANNIVERSAY.  JIMMY SENT ME 7 CARDS TODAY!  EACH ONE IS MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN THE NEXT. I HAVE THEM ALL LINED UP ON THE BED.  I AM ALWAYS ASKED, WHEN WILL I SEE JIMMY, AND WHEN WILL JIMMY COME HOME.  THE ANSWER IS "I DON'T KNOW." I JUST LET THE TIME PASS BY, AND NOT DWELL ON IT.  NOTHING IS EVER CERTAIN IN THE PRISON SYSTEM, THAT MUCH I LEARNED.  AND SO, I JUST GO THROUGH LIFE, AND WHEN GOD WANTS ME TO BE WITH JIMMY, HE WILL LET THAT DAY COME.  IT IS ALL OUT OF MY HANDS, AND I'M HAPPY ABOUT THAT. BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE TO WORRY, IF GOD IS TAKING CARE OF EVERYTHING.  IF YOU GET A CHANCE, CHECK OUT "MAMA.COM"SEARCH ENGINE.  I DID LAST NIGHT , AND FOUND THIS JOURNAL ALL OVER MAMA.  THIS JOURNAL IS ALSO ALL OVER GOOGLE . WELL GOOD-NITE FOR NOW, AND GOD BLESS YOU ALL...FRAN

PRISONER'S WIFE DOES "TIME"WITH HER HUSBAND

FOR THOSE OF YOU JOINING THIS JOURNAL FOR THE FIRST TIME, LET ME EXPLAION SOME THINGS.  I AM A PRISONER'S WIFE, WHOSE HUSBAND IS NOW IN A WORKING HALF-WAY HOUSE.  I AM DOING THE "TIME ," WITH JIMMY, OTHERWISE, KNOWN AS "DOING THE BID."  I WAIT AT HOME.  IY IS NOW APRIL 28, 2005...EXACTLY 25 MONTHS SINCE JIMMY WENT TO JAIL, THEN PRISON, THEN REHAB, AND NOW FINALLY A HALF-WAY HOUSE.  IN THIS JOURNAL YOU WILL HEAR FROM ME, FIRST HAND, WHAT IT IS LIKE TO WAIT , AT HOME, FOR YOUR HUSBAND WHO IS INCARCERATED.  WE ARE NOT KIDS, BUT ARE 2 MATURE PEOPLE, WHO HAPPENED TO FALL IN LOVE 4 YEARS AGO, ACROSS THE NATION...I LIVED IN LAS VEGAS, JIMMY LIVED IN NEW JERSEY.  WE MARRIED 8 WEEKS LATER, AND I FULLY KNEW HE HAD TO SERVE A PRISON TERM.  I KNEW NOTHING ABOUT THE PRISON SYSTEM, AND REALLY NEVER WANTED TO KNOW, UNTIL I FELL IN LOVE WITH A MOST WONDERFUL MAN.  I DIDN'T REALIZE HE HAD TO STAY IN PRISON FOR SO LONG.  WE THOUGHT HE MIGHT HAVE GOTTEN HOUSE ARREST, LIKE MARTHA STEWART.  SO HERE IT IS 25 MONTHS LATER.  THAT IS A LOT OF DAYS AND HOURS, LIVING FOR YOUR HUSBAND.  IN THIS JOURNAL YOU WILL EXPERIENCE JUST WHAT IT IS LIKE TO LIVE THE LIFE OF THE FORGOTTEN WOMAN, AT HOME...YES, THE FORGOTTEN WOMAN IN OUR SOCIETY.  AND SO, YOU WILL EXPERIENCE MY TEARS, MY JOY, MY JOKING, MY UPS AND DOWNS, MY EMOTIONAL TURMOIL AT TIMES.  READ THIS JOURNAL , WHEN YOU GET A CHANCE , FROM THE NIGHT I STARTED IT...A LONELY, MISERABLE  NEW YEAR'S EVE DEC. 31, 2003.  SEE HOW IT STARTED OUT .  SEE HOW THE WRITING HAS CHANGED SINCE THAT FIRST ENTRY.  SEE HOW DEPRESSED I WAS, AND HOW, NOW, SOMEHOW HAVE LIFTED MYSELF ABOVE ALL THAT, ALONE, WITH MY HUSBAND'S SUPPORT FROM PRISON.  NOTICE HOW I AM A HAPPIER MORE TOGETHER PERSON.  YES, I FIGURED THE PRISON SYSTEM OUT, BY MYSELF, BY GOING THROUGH IT.  FOR THAT I AM GRATEFUL...TO HAVE BEEN BROUGHT THROUGH THIS PRISON EXPERIENCE, LED BY MY HUSBAND, ONLY TO BECOME A STRONGER PERSON.  IF YOU ARE READING THIS, AND VERY DEPRESSED, HANG ON.  THINGS WILL AUTOMATICALLY CHANGE IN YOUR LIFE AND IN YOUR THOUGHTS...IT IS AN EMOTIONAL JOURNEY, BUT ONE WELL WORTH TRAVELING.  I INVITE YOU ALL INTO THE CORNERS OF MY MIND.  FOR SOME IT MAY EVEN BE A SCARY EXPERIENCE.  DO NOT FEAR, FOR YOU WILL ONLY LEARN FROM IT...JUST HOW IT IS TO LIVE LIKE THIS.  YOU SEE, I LIVE FOR THE RING OF THE PHONE.  THAT IS HOW WE HAVE STAYED CONNECTED.  AND FOR THE WAITING OF THE MAIL.  I HAVE BOXES OF MAIL, LETTERS, CARDS, AND HOME-MADE CARDS.  AND , OF COURSE, I LIVE FOR THIS JOURNAL, WHICH HELPED PULL ME OUT OF THE DEPTHS OF DEPRESSION.  AND YES, EVERYDAY I GET LOADS OF MAIL AND COMMENTS FROM THOSE READING THIS, TO THANK ME, AND SHARE THEIR OWN EXPERIENCES.  AND SO, I FEEL BLESSED.  AND I AM HAPPY TO GIVE YOU MY THOUGHTS.  AND NOW, APRIL 28TH IS HERE, AND WE PROCEED INTO THE 25TH MONTH OF BEING PHYSICALLY APART...........FRAN

THANKS FOR CORRECTING ME!

THANKS FOR CORRECTING ME, AS WRITTEN IN YOUR COMMENT!....LOL!......YOU GAVE ME A BIG LAUGH!....I WAS JUST TESTING YOU, IF YOU ALL KNEW WHAT DATE IT IS!....AFTER I WROTE THAT ENTRY AROUND 3 AM, AND WENT TO BED, I REALIZED IT WAS APRIL 27, NOT THE 28TH!....I WAS TOO LAZY TO GET UP AND CORRECT IT...I WAS WONDERING IF ANYONE WOULD WRITE ME ABOUT IT!.........I MAKE SURE I KEEP PLENTY OF CALENDERS HANGING UP IN THE HOUSE, TO MAKE SURE I KNOW THE DATE!......I JUST LOVE YOU, MY READERS...YOU MAKE ME HAPPY AND LAUGHING THROUGH YOUR COMMENTS AND LETTERS.  ANOTHER COMMENT WAS POSTED A FEW MINUTES AGO.........FROM nanchr5...THANK YOU THAT YOU LOVE READING MY JOURNAL, I KNOW YOU WILL BE HAPPY WHEN JIMMY COMES OUT, BUT SAD THAT THIS JOURNAL WILL END....BUT GUESS WHAT, IT WILL MOST LIKELY NOT END.  THERE IS 'LIFE AFTER PRISON,"  AND I BET ALL OF YOU WILL LIKE TO HEAR ABOUT IT!  LOTS OF ROMANCE , AND LOVE, THAT IS!  (YOU CAN READ nanchr5 COMMENT IN THE ENTRY TITLED, "LOVE MESSAGE TO ME FROM JIMMY, IN KINTOCK.")....WHEN JIMMY COMES OUT, IT WILL BE THE SECOND PART OF THIS JOURNAL.  PAINTSAQHA (SHERLY) ALSO LEFT A LOT OF NICE COMMENTS TODAY!  PLEASE READ THEM.  IN ANSWERING YOU, YES I AM WRITING SEVERAL BOOKS, IN FACT.  I HAVE COMPLETED 4 CHAPTERS OF A FICTIONAL NOVEL, I HAVE ANOTHER BOOK ALSO PARTLY DONE...AND YES, THIS JOURNAL WILL ONE DAY BE A BOOK.  ACTUALLY, I AM LOOKING FOR A PUBLISHER, AND IF ANY ARE INTERSTED, PLEASE CONTACY ME.  I DON'T WANT TO GO THE 'SELF-PUBLISHING ROUTE."  I HAVE READ THAT MANY BLOGS/JOURNALS THAT ARE BEING WRITTEN , ARE BEING TURNED INTO BOOKS.  SO, ONCE AGIAN, IF ANY PUBLISHERS ARE OUT THERE READING THIS, PLEASE E-MAIL ME, IF YOU ARE INTERESTED!  SHERLY, AS FAR AS SINGING GOES, DON'T WORRY I'M NOT GOING ON AMERICAN IDOL....LOL!.....I'M TOO OLD, AND I WOULDN'T WANT TO BORE YOU!  I ONLY TURNED TO SINGING, BECAUSE WHEN ONE CAN'T SEE, YOU CAN ALWAYS SING AND NOT SEE!  WHEN I FIRST LOST MY EYESIGHT, JIMMY SAT DOWN WITH ME TO EXPLORE THINGS I  COULD DO, AND ENJOY DOING.  SO, HE BOUGHT ME A BIG-SCREEN TV AND A KARAOKE SET, CALLED "ON-KEY KARAOKE," WHICH IS VERY POPULAR , AND CAN BE FOUND ON THE INTERNET.  WE FOUND OUT THAT I ENJOYED SINGING, AND LIKED DOING IT, AND HAVE A STRONG VOICE..AND SO, I STARTED SINGING IN FRONT OF LITTLE SENIOR-CITIZEN GROUPS JIMMY AND I PUT TOGETHER.  JIMMY WOULD COOK THE FOOD, AND I WOULD SING.  AND EVERYONE WAS HAPPY! SOME ALSO SANG WITH THE KARAOKE.  IT MADE THEM FEEL GOOD SINGING..IT MADE THEM HAPPY, TOO.  THAT IS WHAT IS OF MOST IMPORTANCE!  I MADE TAPES OF MY SINGING, AND GAVE THEM TO PEOPLE, WHO LIKED IT.  I EVEN AM IN THE PROCESS OF MAKING A TAPE FOR A RESIDENT AT KINTOCK. HE LIKES MY SINGING, AND SAYS I SOUND LIKE BARBARA  STREISAND!  AND SHERLY, GOING BACK TO THE WRITING, WELL, KEEP ON WRITING.  IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU CAN'T SPELL. SOMEONE WILL EDIT YOUR WORKS.  AS A MATTER OF FACT, IF I LOSE MY EYESIGHT COMPLETELY, I WILL STILL WRITE, BY SPEAKING INTO A TAPE RECORDER.  SO, SEE HOW LIFE IS!  THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE!..........with love,   FRAN

kintock...good-nite kisses

JIMMY JUST CALLED ME A LITTLE WHILE AGO.  HE ALWAYS CALLS ME AT 2 AM, WHEN HE ARRIVES BACK TO KINTOCK FROM HIS JOB IN ATLANTIC CITY.  AND SO, HE GAVE ME SOME GOOD-NITE KISSES , BEFORE HE GOES TO SLEEP.  I'M USUALLY IN BED, BUT WAKE UP WHEN HE CALLS, AND NOW FULLY AWAKE.  TODAY IS THE 28TH OF THE MONTH.  IT IS NOW 25 MONTHS THAT JIMMY WENT TO JAIL, THEN PRISON, THEN KINTOCK.  AND ON APRIL 29, IT IS OUR 4TH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY, 25 MONTHS OF WHICH WE HAVE BEEN APART.  ON THE PHONE JIMMY SAID TO ME, "IT IS ALMOST OVER, NOW , FRAN."  I ANSWERED, "ALMOST OVER, BUT NOT OVER ENOUGH."  AND SO, ANOTHER DAY GONE.  AND TOMORROW IS A NEW DAY, AND I FELEL HAPPY THAT IT IS A NEW DATE, AND TIME PROGRESSES ON.  I AM GLAD IT IS THE 28, AND NO LONGER THE 27.  AND ON THE 29TH, I'LL BE HAPPY IT IS NO LONGER THE 28TH....AND SO ON, AND SO ON...IT IS ALL SO SILLY OF ME...BUT I'M LIKE THAT, MAKING SILLY LITTLE RHYMES IN MY HEAD, JUST TO PASS THE LONG DAYS AND NIGHT...THE LONG DAYS INTO NOTHINGNESS...THE LONG WAIT....AND SO, NOW JIMMY IS ASLEEP AT KINTOCK, AND I SIT HERE AWAKE...NOT SURE OF WHAT TO EVEN THINK.  I MAY LIE DOWN AND LISTEN TO THE RAINDROPS FALL OUTSIDE.  I MAY WATCH A MOVIE ON  "ON-DEMAND."  I STARTED WATCHING "SINBAD," BUT DIDN'T FINISH IT TODAY.  AND SO, TIME MOVES ON, HOWEVER SLOWLY TONITE.  THE MINUTES TICK AWAY.  THE RADIO PLAYS, AND I FEEL LIKE DANCING...LATELY I';VE BEEN SINGING MORE THAN EVER...I LOVE TO SING, AND BECOME PART OF THE MUSIC...AT LEAST I CAN HOLD A NOTE, AND SING A VERY HIGH PITCH. PEOPLE TELL ME I HAVE A VERY UNIQUE VOICE...I HAVE A VERY DISTINCT WAY OF PROMOUNCING THE WORDS IN A SONG.  JIMMY TELLS ME I HAVE A GIFT TO SING...HE SAYS I HAVE A CERTAIN WAY, THAT MAKES ONE "FEEL" THE SONG...I GUESS THAT IS DUE TO MY LIFE EXPERIENCE.  LATELY, I'VE BEEN SINGING WITH SADE, HER CD, ALONG WITH MY MICROPHONE.  ONE DAY, YOU JUST MAY SEE ME UP THERE SINGING...I LIKE TO SING, AND DO IT FOR MYSELF, AND OTHERS...TO HOPEFULLY SPREAD JOY AND HAPPINESS.....WELL, I WILL GO NOW.  HOPE ALL IS WELL WITH EVERYONE.........FRAN

PRISONS, AND THE PRISON WIFE

DEAR "RUSTYSPIGOT,"

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR COMMENT IN THE LAST ENTRY.  YOU ARE VOICING YOUR OPINION, AND IT EXCITES ME, AND MAKES THIS JOURNAL AN EVEN BETTER ONE FOR PEOPLE TO READ.  THANK YOU AGAIN, SO MUCH...YOU HAVE REALLY MADE MY DAY!

I GUESS I HAVE NOT EXPLAINED "THE PLIGHT OF THE PRISONER'S WIFE, " AS WELL AS I SHOULD HAVE.  WELL, I APOLOGIZE. BELIEVE ME, NO ONE IS ASKING FOR YOUR TAX-PAYING MONEY.  ONLY SOME SORT OF UNDERSTANDING AND SUPPORT SYSTEM . TRUTHFULLY, THE PRISONER'S WIFE IS OWED NOTHING, BUT IN A COUNTRY THAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE CARING FOR EACH CITIZEN, IT IS A BIG SHAME TO HAVE CLOSE TO 1.5 MILLION PRISONER'S WIVES, AND OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS SITTING HOME, FRIGHTENED, NEEDING GUIDANCE.  HAVE ANY STUDIES BEEN DONE IN THIS COUNTRY AS TO HOW MANY OF OUR NATIONAL SUICIDES ARE RELATED TO WIVES, GIRLFRIENDS, CHILDRN, AND OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS THAT HAD NO WHERE TO TURN TO.  I CAN ONLY GIVE AS MUCH SUPPORT , HERE IN THIS JOURNAL, AS I POSSIBLY CAN, TO LISTEN TO ALL THESES WOMEN CRYING OUT.  NO ONE REALIZES JUST HOW MANY E-MAILS I AM GETTING, WITH WOMEN CRYING OUT, DEPRESSED, ASKING TO BE MY FRIEND...THEY NEED SOMEONE....THEY CAN'T FIND THAT SOMEONE, SO THEY TALK TO ME.  I WILL PLEASE BEG YOU, TO VISIT THESE 2 WEB-SITES, THAT I WILL LEAVE THE LINKS HERE FOR YOU.  I HOPE YOU JUST EVEN GLANCE AT THEM...READ A FEW LINES.  YOU SEE, I DON'T LIKE TO SOUND AS IF I'M THE ONLY ONE DEFENDING "THE PLIGHT OF THE PRISON WIFE."  I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE.  I'M ONE OF THE FEW BRAVE ENOUGH TO TALK ABOUT IT.  AND I TALK ABOUT IT, BECAUSE I KNOW IT IS FOR THE GOOD OF THE PEOPLE...THE GOOD OF HUMANITY.  AND WITH THAT, I HAVE FURTHER STRENGTH TO CARRY ON, AND FEEL BLESSED DOING IT.  YOU SEE, I AM PART OF IT, WITH A HUSBAND IN PRISON.  SO IT IS A GOOD CAUSE FOR ME TO BE INTERESTED IN.  Prisoners of Love            

Action for Prisoner's Families: Our Aims                                           

"ACTIONS FOR PRISONER'S FAMIELS:OUR AIM, "  IS AN EXTENSIVE WEB-SITE, THAT EXPLAINS THE SYSTEM IN GREAT BRITAIN, FOR FAMILIES OF THE INCARCERATED....

BAYSIDE STATE PRISON, TO TALBOT HALL, TO KINTOCK

NO WOMAN SHOULD HAVE TO SUFFER IN OUR COUNTRY, THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.  AND YET, SADLY, THE WOMAN WHOSE HUSBAND GOES TO PRISON, IS TREATED NOT ONLY IN A BAD WAY, BUT IN A WAY THAT IS UNBELIEVABLE.  DOES THE GENERAL PUBLIC AND POPULATION UNDERSTAND JUST HOW A PRISONER'S WIFE IS TREATED?  YES, YOU, THE TAX-PAYING CITIIZEN.  DO YOU REALLY KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON IN OUR COUNTRY?  LET ME TELL YOU A LITTLE BIT ABOUT IT, FROM MY POINT OF VIEW, AT LEAST.  I KNOW BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN THERE...STILL HERE...ALTHOUGH I BELIEVE I AM NOW IN ANOTHER STAGE OF THE "PRISON PLAN."  I WRITE THIS, BECAUSE I REALIZE WHAT I WENT THROUGH IN THE INITIAL STAGES OF INCARCERATION, WITH JIMMY IN BAYSIDE STATE PRISON.  AND YET, IT WAS ACTUALLY THE NORM, AS I LATER FOUND OUT.  IN DOING SOME RESEARCH ABOUT IT, I WAS NOT ALONE. YOU SEE, IT WAS NOT EVEN THE FACT THAT MY HUSBAND WAS IN PRISON, IT WAS HOW I WAS BEING TREATED..OUTSIDE THE PRISON, AT HOME....TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF NOTHING.  IT TORE ME TO PIECES..I LOST ALL SELF-DIGNITY.  I BECAME NO- ONE.  I HATED MYSELF.  AND JIMMY STOOD BY ME.  HE WAS THE ONE WHO TALKED TO ME , DAY IN AND DAY, OUT.  HE SUPPORTED ME, THROUGH DEPRESSION AND TEARS.  IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE OTHER WAY AROUND, BUT THIS IS HOW IT WAS..I CANNOT CHANGE THE PAST.  I CAN ONLY HOPE TO CHANGE THE SYSTEM, SOMEHOW, AND I KNOW THAT IS A LONG JOURNEY.  I WANT TO HELP THOSE WOMEN WHO ARE GOING THROUGH THIS NOW, AS I WRITE THIS.  YES, THEY ARE STILL OUT THERE.  AS YOU, THE TAXPAYER ARE IN YOUR COMFORTABLE HOMES, WITH YOUR LOVED ONES, THERE ARE WOMEN OUT THERE IN A TOTAL STATE OF DEVISTATION, WITH A HUSBAND IN PRISON.  IT MAY BE HIS FIRST INCARCERATION, LIKE ME, AND YOU ARE TOLD NOTHING ABOUT WHERE YOUR HUSBAND IS.  YOU ARE TOLD NOTHING ABOUT WHAT TO EXPECT...ABOUT RULES AND REGULATIONS.  THESE WOMEN ARE DEPRESSED, AND ALSO MANY ARE ON THE BRINK OF SUICIDE.  I KNOW.  I RECEIVE MANY E-MAILS PER DAY FROM LOTS OF WOMEN WHO ARE POURING THEIR HEARTS OUT TO ME.  THEY ARE NOW GOING THROUGH THE SAME STUFF I WAS , OVER 2 YEARS AGO, WHEN JIMMY WAS FIRST INCARCERATED.  IT BRINGS TEARS TO MY EYES, BECAUSE WHY ISN'T ANYTHING BEING DONE ABOUT THIS SITUATION IN OUR COUNTRY?  WHY HAS OUR COUNTRY PUSHED ASIDE THE MANY MILLIONS OF SUFFERING PRISON WIVES.  IT IS A STORY THAT HAUNTS ME.  I CANNOT FORGET IT.  I WILL MOVE FORWARD, ALTHOUGH SLOWLY, TO FIND SOME WAY TO HELP THOSE WHO SUFFER.  AS FOR ME,FOR EXAMPLE, JIMMY , MY HUSBAND TOOK ME OUT OF MY HOME IN LAS VEGAS, WHERE I HAD LIVED FOR 10 YEARS.  HE TOOK ME CLEAR ACROSS THE COUNTRY, YES, 2500 MILES, WITH MY DOG AND 2 CATS.  I WAS AT THAT TIME A BLIND WOMAN, NOT ALLOWED TO DRIVE, AND DIFFICULT TO GET MY BEARINGS IN PUBLIC.  MY HUSBAND FOUND A NICE, SAFE HOME FOR ME. IN NEW JERSEY.   AND THEN, HE TURNED HIMSELF IN.  IT IS SHOCKING THAT NO SOCIAL SERVICE WOULD EVEN THINK OF CHECKING UP ON ME...WHY? BECAUSE THE TRUTH IS, NO SOCIAL NETWORKS EXIST, AS FAR AS I KNOW.  WHEN JIMMY WENT TO COURT, THEN JAIL, THE COURT SYSTEM SHOULD HAVE BEEN AWARE THAT I WAS A BLIND WOMAN, FROM CLEAR ACROSS THE COUNTRY, ALONE, WITH NO HELP.  BUT THEY DON'T CARE, AND THEY NEVER WILL , UNLESS SOMEONE IS BOLD ENOUGH AND BRAVE ENOUGH, TO TRY TO CHANGE THINGS.  I'M ONLY TALKING ABOUT DOING GOOD THINGS FOR PEOPLE, THAT'S ALL.  WELL, I STILL LISTEN TO ALL THE WOMEN'S LETTERS.  PLEASE KEEP WRITING.  YOU SEE, I MYSELF THOUGHT I WAS UNIQUE, AND GOING THROUGH SOMETHING TERRIBLE.  AS I RESEARCH IT, I FIND I AM NOT ALONE.  I JUST FOUND SOMETHING ON THE INTERNET, TITLED, "the needs of prisoners' wives:  a challenge for the mental health professionals"  by DANIEL SW,BARRET CJ. IT IS A SMALL ARTICLE ABOUT RESEARCH DONE ON THE NEEDS OF THE PRISONER'S WIVES.  THEY SAY THERE IS A NEED IN 6 AREAS...INFORMATION, FINANCES, RELATIONSHIPS WITH FRIENDS, FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS, GRIEF, AND RELATIONSHIPS WITH CHILDREN.  THE NEEDS ARE DIFFERENT AT DIFFERENT STAGES OF SEPERATION, AND THE EARLY STAGES OF SEPERATION, HAVE HIGHER LEVELS OF DEPRESSION.  PRIOR EXPERIENCE WITH THE CORRECTIONAL SYSTEM DID NOT MATTER.  RESULTS SUGGST GIVING MORE INFORMATION TO THE WOMEN AT THE TIME OF THEIR HUSBANDS TRIALS, AND INFO ABOUT SELF-HELP GROUPS.  WELL, I AM SO HAPPY TO SEE SOME WORK HAS BEEN DONE, ALTHOUGH THIS STUDY WAS DONE IN 1981.  I AM SERIOUSLY THINKING OF CHANGING MY DOCTORATE FROM NURSING EDUCATION/RESEARCH TO SOMETHING IN WHICH I WILL DO RESEARCH ON PRISONER'S WIVES, AND THEIR NEEDS.  I WOULD LOVE TO DO THAT.  I WOULD FIND IT NOT ONLY INTERESTING, BUT I WILL BE HELPING PEOPLE, WHERE A NEED EXISTS.  WELL, THANK YOU FOR LISTENING.  I HAD TO GET IT OFF MY CHEST.  NOW REMEMBER, 25 MONTHS HAVE GONE BY FOR ME.  I AM NO LONGER IN THOSE INITIAL STAGES OF DEPRESSION OR GRIEF.  I AM , PRETTY MUCH SO, A HAPPY PERSON, WHO SIMPLY MISSES HER HUSBAND DESPERATELY.  HOWEVER, I HAVE MOVED THROUGH ALL THESE DIFFICULT TIMES, BY BECOMING A PUBLISHED AUTHOR.  I HAVE GOTTEN OVER 10 MAGAZINE STORIES PBLISHED, AND I HAVE GOTTEN MANY THINGS PUBLISHED IN THE ASBURY PARK PRESS.   AND YES, WRITING THIS JOURNAL, WHICH HAS MADE IT INTO THE NEWSPAPERS.  AND JIMMY AND I, WELL OUR LOVE GROWS STRONGER EVERYDAY.  WE ARE SO HAPPY THAT HE HAS A VERY GOOD JOB, AS FOODSTORE MANAGER, AND BECAUSE WE ARE PROGRESSIVE PEOPLE, WE ARE HAPPY WHEN THINGS ARE MOVING ALONG, AND PROGRESSING AHEAD.     HERE IS THE LINK TO THE RESEARCH ARTICLE...Entrez PubMed.......GOOD NITE TO ALL, AND SWEET DREAMS..........FRAN

LOVE MESSAGE TO ME, FROM JIMMY , IN KINTOCK

JIMMY WAS GIVEN SPECIAL PERMISSION ON WEDNESDAY TO GO TO THE LIBRARY AND USE THE COMPUTER, FOR SOME RESEARCH HE WAS DOING.  WELL, JIMMY STOPPED BY THIS JOURNAL, AND HE LEFT A COMMENT TO ME.  YOU CAN ALL READ IT, BUT YOU MUST GO BACK TO THE  MARCH 28, 2005 ENTRY, TITLED, "KINTOCK IS A GREAT PL;ACE!"  JUST CLICK ON "COMMENTS," AND YOU WILL SEE JIMMY'S  LOVE MESSAGE TO ME, THAT HE WROTE FROM THE LIBRARY.I MUST GO NOW, AS JIMMY WILL CALL ANY MINUTE.  HE CALLS ME BEFORE HE LEAVES ATLANTIC CITY, FROM THE BUS STOP, AND WHEN HE GETS TO KINTOCK, HE IS ALLOWED ONE CALL, AT 2 AM, TO SAY GOOD-NITE, AND THAT HE LOVES ME.  THEN , HIS NEXT CALL IS 11:30 AM, BEFORE HE BOARDS THE BUS TO WORK, IN ATLANTIC CITY.........NITE!.....fran

POPE BENEDICT XVI

WELL, IT DIDN'T TAKE ME LONG, TO START WRITING AGAIN! I GOT INSPIRED TODAY, WITH THE REST OF THE WORLD AS THE NEW POPE GOT ELECTED.  I SAT AND WATCHED THE TV, AS THE SMOKE CHANGED FROM BLACK TO WHITE, EVERYONE ON EDGE AND UNCERTAIN AS TO THE ACTUAL COLOR OF THE SMOKE...AND THEN THE BELLS RANG!  AND WE ALL NEW THAT A NEW POPE HAD BEEN ELECTED.  AND BEING INSPIRED, I ALREADY WROTE A "VIEWPOINT," AND HAVE IT TYPED UP, AND IN THE ENVELOPE, AND WILL GO OUTSIDE AND MAIL IT SHORTLY TO THE LOCAL NEWSPAPER.  I WILL TELL YOU THE BASIS OF WHAT I SAID.  (this is not a word-for word). POPE BENEDICT XVI IS A HUMBLE PERSON.  HE HIMSELF SAID THAT HE IS ONLY A WORKER IN GOD'S VINEYARD.  WHEN I LOOK IN HIS EYES, ON THE TV SCREEN, I SEE LOVE, COMFORT, JOY, AND HUMBLENESS.  YES, HUMBLENESS IS GREAT.  IT IS REALLY NOT THE CARDINALS WHO ELECTED HIM, BUT GOD HIMSELF .  GOD HAS A PLAN FOR EACH ONE OF US.  AND EVEN AT THE AGE OF 76, GOD HAD PLANNED FOR THIS HUMBLE, QUIET, MAN TO BECOME POPE. ISN'T THAT GREAT?  DOESN'T THAT INSPIRE EACH ONE OF US?  AND ISN'T THERE PURE JOY AND HAPPINESS DOING THE WORK OF GOD, HIMSELF, AS WE GO ABOUT OUR MUNDANE , ROUTINE LIVES...YES, THERE IS A PURPOSE FOR EACH ONE OF US.  LET US NOT BE LED ASTRAY BY THE NEWS MEDIA, AND THE WORLDWIDE PEOPLE WHO WILL BE TEARING POUR POPE APART.  THEY WILL SAY THINGS, LIKE WE NEEDED A MORE MODERN POPE, A NON-TRADITIONIST, A YOUNGER POPE, AN ITALIAN POPE.  SO MANY THINGS.  BUT I SUGGEST, THAT YOU TAKE A MOMENT TO LOOK INTO HIS EYES.  YOU WILL SEE LOVE AND PEACE.  YOU WILL SEE GOD HIMSELF, AS GOD DWELLS WITHIN EACH ONE OF US.  YES, A LOT CAN BE READ ABOUT A PERSON THROUGH HIS EYES.  THANK YOU FOR READING THIS.   WITH LOVE, FRAN

SPRING FEVER

I THINK I HAVE A TOUCH OF "SPRING FEVER."  I FEEL BORED...WITH LIFE AND EVERYTHING.. I DON'T FEEL LIKE DOING TOO MUCH.  I DON'T EVEN FEEL LIKE WRITING IN THIS JOURNAL.  SO PLEASE BEAR WITH ME, IF I DON'T WRITE AS OFTEN.  I HAVE A STACK OF NEWSPAPERS, AND I DON'T EVEN FEEL LIKE READING THEM.  I SPENT MOST OF TODAY OUTSIDE, UNDER THE TREES, AND SUN AND BLUE SKIES.  IT IS LIKE NOTHING INTERESTS ME.  NOT EVEN A TV SHOW, OR A MOVIE ON CABLE.  OH WELL, HERE I AM, AND I'LL JUST HAVE TO LET LIFE GO ON, AND HOPE THIS FEELING PASSES.  MAYBE I'LL GO TO THE LIBRARY TOMOROW.  AND MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, MY IMAGINATION WILL PLAY TRICKS ON ME, AND I'LL SEE JIMMY HIDING BEHIND THE STACKS!  WHAT A DAYDREAM THAT WOULD BE!.......FRAN

THANKS!

HI EVERYONE!  I JUST GOT BACK FROM THE HOSPITAL, AND HAD AN ULTRASOUND OF MY KIDNEYS...WELL ALL WENT WELL!  I HUMOIUROUSLY SAY TO MYSELF, 'GEE THE DOCTORS ARE ALWAYS LOOKING INSIDE MY BODY, FOR SOMETHING, BUT I'M NOT SURE WHAT!"..YOU SEE, I'M PERFECTLY HEALTHY, AND THAT MAKES THEM SO SAD, BECAUSE THEY CAN'T MAKE MONEY ON ME...I'M JUST TOO HEALTHY, I GUESS! AFTER THE TEST, I TOOK A RIDE TOWRDS SEASIDE.  IT IS A BEAUTIFUL DAY, AND I WAS SO TEMPTED TO GO TO THE BEACH AND BOARDWALK, ALTHOUGH IT'S STILL  COLD. MY JAGUAR DRIVES LIKE A JET, AND I BARELY HAVE TO EVEN STEER IT.  I HIGHLY RECOMMEND A JAGUAR FOR ANY OF YOU LOOKING FOR A NEW CAR.  I'M THE ONE ON THE ROAD WITH MY SPEAKERS BLARING AS LOUD AS THEY GO (jimmy hates me to do that). SO THERE I WAS!  DRIVING MY BLACK JAG, BLONDE HAIR FLYING IN THE WIND, AND SPEAKERS BLARING WITH SADE'S CD.  WELL, I GUESS THAT I AM THE "WOMAN -CHILD," THAT MY HUSBAND SAYS I AM. JIMMY JUST CALLED ME FROM WORK, TO MAKE SURE I GOT HOME SAFELY.  HE IS AS USUAL, BUSY ON HIS JOB, WHICH IS A GOOD THING.  I HOPE I'LL SEE HIM SOON.  SO I GUESS IT WILL BE ANOTHER WEDDING ANNEVESARY ALONE (4/29).  THE TRUTH IS, I HAVE A MAGICAL CONTROL OVER MY HUSBAND. AND I WILL NEVER AGAIN ALLOW HIM TO BE A CRIMINAL (ALTHOUGH I KNOW HE IS VERY GOOD AT IT, THROUGH HIS EXPERTISE).  I WOULDN'T ALLOW IT, AND HE LOVES ME TOO MUCH.  AS DOMINANT AS JIMMY IS, I HAVE COMTROL WITH HIM.  WE HAVE A WAY OF SWITHCHING ROLES.  AND I'M GOOD AT PLAYING THAT GAME. I'M GOOD AT BEING IN CONTROL, WHEN NECCESARY.  I WOULD LIKE TO THANK ALL OF YOU WHO GAVE ME SUGGESTIONS TO GET A HOBBY, OR DO VOLUNTEER WORK.  WELL, THE TRUTH IS, I ALREADY HAVE TOO MANY HOBBIES.  THERE ARE NOT ENOUGH HOURS IN THE DAY FOR ME TO ACCOMPLISH EVERYTHING. WHAT I WANT, AND NEED, IS JIMMY, MY HUSBAND.  NOTHING ELSE IS FULFILLING FOR ME.  EVEN PHONE CALLS DON'T DO THE TRICK.  I MEAN, PHONE CALLS ARE OK, BUT SOMETIMES MAKE ME FEEL MORE FRUSTRATED.  OUR WHOLE LIFE HAS ALWAYS BEEN BASED ON "PHONES!"  I'M NOT SURE WHAT WE WOULD DO WITHOUT THEM. SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE I LIVE IN A WORLD OF "PHONES, " AS I TALK TO JIMMY ON THE PHONE. AS FAR AS VOLUNTEER WORK IS CONCERNED, WELL, I ONLY WANT TO VOLUNTEER MYSELF TO MY HUSBAND, AS THAT IS HOW IT SHOULD BE.  I WILL BE LOOKING INTO CHANGING MY MAJOR AT COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY, TO MAYBE PSYCHOLOGY (DOCTORAL PROGRAM).  JIMMY SAYS THAT WOULD SUIT ME, AS PEOPLE ARE FOREVER AFTER ME FOR ADVICE.  I ALWAYS HAVE, AND CONTINUE TO , LISTEN TO A LOT OF PEOPLE'S PROBLEMS, AND FEELINGS.  PEOPLE HAVE THE TENDENCY TO GRAVITATE TOWARDS ME, AND SOMETIMES RUN AFTER ME.  I THINK I'M JUST A COMFORTING TYPE OF PERSON.  ALSO, I NEVER LOSE THAT SPARK OF FUN AND EXCITEMENT IN LIFE.  WELL, I GUESS I SAID ENOUGH!   love, fran 

"JUST ANOTHER DAY"

YES, HERE IT IS, JUST ANOTHER DAY FOR ME.  I KNOW THAT IS HARD TO IMAGINE, FOR ALL YOU PRODUCTIVE , WORKING PEOPLE OUT THERE, AS YOU ALL SIT AT YOUR OFFICE DESKS, AND COMPUTERS.  YOU ARE ALL BUSY WORKING.  AND FOR ME, I'M NOT BUSY!...Ha ! Ha!.  WELL, I GUESS I'M JUST ONE OF THE LUCKY ONES WHO GOT TO RETIRE "EARLY!"  RIGHT NOW, I FEEL VERY BORED.  AND I CAN EVEN BARELY WRITE IN THIS JOURNAL.  AND I EVEN FEEL I WILL NEVER WRITE  NOR SEND ANYTHING ELSE OUT FOR PUBLICATION.  I'M JUST TIRED OF IT ALL.  I WISH I STILL LIVED IN CALIFORNIA.  I WAS ALWAYS GOING SOMEWHERE, SEEING SOMETHING NEW.  I LIVED RIGHT ON THE BEACH, OVERLOOKING THE BLUE PACIFIC OCEAN.  AS I LAID IN BED, I COULD HEAR THE WAVES ROLLING BACK AND FORTH.  I HAD PATIOS , FROM THE BEDROOM AND LIVING ROOM, AND WOULD WATCH THE SUN SET EVERY DAY.  IT IS A BEAUTIFUL SIGHT TO SEE THE SUN GO DOWN OVER THE HORIZEN.  I COULD GO ON AND ON TELLING YOU HOW LIFE WAS FOR ME ONCE UPON A TIME, BUT IT WOULD BE USELESS.  I AM HERE, WHERE I AM RIGHT NOW.  AND A LITTLE SAD AND RESTLESS TODAY.  JIMMY IS INVOLVED WITH HIS JOB, AND I AM HAPPY ABOUT THAT.  HE IS OFF TODAY.  I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW HE DOES IT.  EVERYTHING IS GOING ALONG VERY SMOOTHLY RIGHT NOW.  THERE IS SOME GLIMMER OF HOPE FOR THE FUTURE.  I NEED TO FIND SOMETHING TO DO RIGHT NOW, TO HELP OTHERS.  ACTUALLY, I DO HELP OTHERS, BUT I HAVE A FEELING WITHIN ME, TO HELP OTHERS EVEN MORE...I JUST CAN'T EXPLAIN IT.  I WILL NOW GO OUT AND TAKE A WALK, AND CLEAR THE PASSAGES OF MY MIND.  THEN, I WILL BE ABLE TO SEE WHERE I WILL BE LED FROM THERE.  LOVE TO ALL!.........FRAN

A PEACEFUL, QUIET SUNDAY

TODAY WAS A SERENE , PEACEFUL SUNDAY.  AND SO I WALKED OUTSIDE, AMONG THE TREES, THE GRASS, THE BLUE SKY, WITH A FEW WHITE CLOUDS.  I SAW A SQUIRRELL, AND A CAT WALKED OVER TO ME, STARED, AND THEN RAN AWAY, ALL TOO FAST.  I WALKED , AND WALKED, AND WALKED, AROUND THE CIRCLE WE LIVE ON.  WEARING MY WALKMAN, I LISTENED TO MUSIC, AS IT IS EASIER FOR ME TO WALK TO MUSIC, AS SILLY AS THAT MAY SEEM.  THE MUSIC HELPS ME TO MOVE MY MUSCLES MORE EASILY.  AND SO I WALKED, ALONE, PUSHING MY EMPTY WHEELCHAIR. PUSHING THE WHEELCHAIR, HELPS ME TO WALK, AS IT SUPPORTS ME.  AND I WALK, TRYING TO GAIN MORE AND MORE STRENGTH TO MY LEGS AND FEET. TO GET THE CIRCULATION FLOWING IN MY LEGS AND FEET AND BODY.  AND I PASSED SO MANY PEOPLE ON THEIR PATIOS AND PORCHES.  SITTING TOGETHER .  I SMELLED BAR-B-QUES, AS I PASSED BY, AND PEOPLE SITTING OUTSIDE ON THEIR PICNIC TABLES EATING.  BUT FOR ME, IT WAS A LONELY WALK.  AND JIMMY CALLED ME ON MY CELL. AND I SAID I FELT SO ALONE.  HE SAID, "NO YOU ARE NOT, FRAN, YOU HAVE ME, YOUR HUSBAND, WHO LOVES YOU, AND IS CONCERNED ABOUT YOU."  AND SO, I SAID, 'OK."  AND THEN I WALKED HOME, AT LEAST PRINCE, OUR DOG IS HERE SO I CAN TALK TO HIM.  I FED THE ANIMALS, WALKED PRINCE FOR A SECOND TIME TODAY, AND MADE MYSELF A SALAD.  AND NOW, I SIT AT THIS COMPUTER, WITH SO MANY THINGS TO WRITE.  THAT'S WHAT IT IS ALL ABOUT..KEEPING BUSY....AND SO, ANOTHER DAY IS DONE.....

SWEET DREAMS AT KINTOCK

I HAVE A COUPLE OF CUTE "STORIES" TO TELL YOU ABOUT "MY JIMMMY."  THIS WILL SHOW YOU THE LOVE AND CONNECTION WE HAVE FOR EACH OTHER...EVEN WHEN WE ARE SLEEPING!  WHEN JIMMY IS ASLEEP HE OFTEN CALLS MY NAME OUTLOUD, AND HAS A CONVERSTAION WITH ME IN HIS SLEEP.  HIS ROOMATES TELL HIM THAT THEY HEAR HIM TALKING TO ME, AND CARRYING ON A CONVERSTAION WITH ME, WHILE ASLEEP.  THE MOST AMAZING PART IS THAT HE "PRAYS"  FOR ME..HE HAS BEEN HEARD TO ACTUALLY ASK GOD TO PROTECT AND MAKE ME (FRAN) HEALTHY.  NOW, HERE'S ANOTHER STORY.  A COUPLE OF NIGHTS AGO, JIMMY RETURNED TO KINTOCK FROM WORK AT 2 AM, HIS USUAL TIME. HE WAS TIRED THAT NIGHT, SO HE LAID DOWN FOR A FEW MINUTES, BEFORE HE CALLED ME (he is allowed to make a call to me when he returns to kintock  i'm isually asleep, but wait for his call everynight.  I keep the phone right next to the bed.). HE CALLED ME AND SAID INTO THE PHONE, "I'll call you tomorrow, fran."  THE NEXT MORNING, HE DID NOT REMEMBER CALLING ME, WHEN I SPOKE TO HIM.  HE LATER ASKED HIS ROOMATES.  THEY SAW HIM GET UP, IN HIS SLEEP.  THEY SPOKE TO HIM, AND ASKED HIM WHERE HE WAS GOING.  HE SAID TO CALL "FRAN."  HE NEVER REMEMBERED TALKING TO THEM, OR CALLING ME.  HE APPARENTLY WAS "SLEEP-WALKING."  AND IN HIS SLEEP-WALKING, I WAS THE ONE ON HIS MIND!  IN THE MORNING WHEN HE TOLD ME ABOUT THIS, HE SAID THE QUARTER HE PUT NEXT TO HIM WAS GONE, THE NEXT MORNING...SO HE KNEW HE MUST OF CALLED ME, BUT JUST COULD NOT REMEMBER.  I HAVE SUCH A WONDERFUL HUSBAND!  I AM ALWAYS ON HIS MIND, DESPITE PRISON WALLS..(i'll tell you a little secret. he's cute and adorable for me, even though he's a big, strong man!).  I MISS HIM SO!...................FRAN

LIFE MOVES ON

LIFE MOVES ON. SPRING IS PRETTY MUCH FINALLY HERE. I WALK OUTSIDE IN THE SUN, AND UNDER THE TREES THAT BEGIN TO GROW LEAVES.  I LOOK FOR FLOWERS THAT BEGIN TO BLOOM, AND I WATCH THE GARDENERS AT WORK.  TODAY, SEVERAL BIRDS WALKED ACROSS THE LAWN, IN FRONT OF OUR HOUSE, AND PRINCE, MY DOG WAS SO EXCITED!  HE LOVES LITTLE BIRDS AND LITTLE ANIMALS.   YES, LIFE GOES ON.  TIME MOVES ON. IT IS NOW 25 MONTHS THAT JIMMY HAS BEEN AWAY FROM HIS HOME, HIS PETS AND ME. THE TEARS ARE NOW SOMEHOW LESS THAN IN THE BEGINNING.  THE EMPTINESS IS NOT AS GREAT AS IT ONCE WAS.  WE CONTINUE TO STAY CONNECTED, AND WE ARE MORE IN LOVE THAN EVER.  ARE OTHER MARRIED COUPLES SO CONNECTED , ALTHOUGH PHYSICALLY APART, AS JIMMY AND I ARE?  AND OUR MINDS HAVE BECOME SO ACTIVELY CREATIVE, IT IS ALMOST PHENOMINAL.  WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY , IS THAT WE CREATE EACH OTHERS PERSONNA SO VIVIDLY WITHIN US.  WE CONSTANTLY CARRY THE OTHER WITH US.  IT IS HARD TO EXPLAIN.  IT IS LIKE JIMMY IS ALWAYS AT MY SIDE.  AND HE IS JUST A PHONE CALL AWAY!  THINGS ARE GETTING BETTER EVERYDAY.  JIMMY HAS A VERY GOOD JOB IN ATLANTIC CITY, AS THE MANAGER OF A LARGE FOODSTORE.  HE IS WORKING VERY HARD, AND IS DOING A GOOD JOB.  HE LOVES THE WORK, AND HAS ALWAYS ENJOYED WORKING, NO MATTER WHAT THAT WORK MAY BE.  HE LIKES BEING A PRODUCTIVE PERSON.  I/WE HAVE MOVED ON SINCE THE DAY HE WAS INCARCERATED.  TIME AND LIFE MOVED ON, AUTOMATICALLY, AND CHANGED AUTOMATICALLY.  I AM NO LONGER THAT "DESPERATE WOMAN."  I AM MORE MATURE, MORE IN CONTROL OF MY MIND AND EMOTIONS.  AND IT IS ALL FOR THE BETTER.  HOWEVER, I STILL WORRY ABOUT THOSE WOMEN THAT ARE AT THE BEGINNING OF THIS TERRIBLE JOURNEY, WITH A HUSBAND/BOYFRIEND IN PRISON.  THE BEGINNING MONTHS/YEARS ARE THE WORST.  LATELY I HAVE GOTTEN SOME E-MAILS, OF WOMEN THAT POUR THEIR HEARTS OUT TO ME.  THEY ARE ALONE, DESPERATE.  THEY FEEL LIKE THEY ARE GOING CRAZY. I CAN ONLY SHARE WITH YOU, THAT IN THE BEGINNING MONTHS OF JIMMY'S INCARCERATION, I WAS THE SAME WAY.  AND I CARE ENOUGH ABOUT THE PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD WHO ARE SUFFERING NOW, AND WHO WILL SUFFER IN THE FUTURE.  IF I CAN HAVE IT MY WAY, THERE WILL NEVER BE ANOTHER WOMAN WHO WILL SUFFER, AS I HAVE, EMOTIONALLY AND MENTALLY.  NO, NEVER AGAIN WILL ANOTHER PRISON WIFE HAVE TO SUFFER, IF I CAN HAVE IT MY WAY.  RIGHT NOW, I AM YOUR SUPPORT SYSTEM.  AND THROUGH ME, AND READING MY JOURNAL, YOU , TOO, WILL MAKE IT....AS I HAVE. IF YOU CAN MAKE IT THROUGH THIS DAY, I PROMISE THAT TOMORROW WILL GET BETTER...EVEN IF ONLY SILGHTLY BETTER EACH DAY. EVEN IF YOU THINK IT WILL NOT GET BETTER, WELL, PLEASE LISTEN TO MY WORDS...IT WILL GET BETTER.  IN THE BEGINNING, YOU FEEL EXHAUSTED AND ALONE.  YOU MUST JUST PUT EVERYTHING ASIDE, AND LAY DOWN, AND REST.  YOU MUST REST YOUR TROUBLED MIND.  AND SO, I WOULD LIKE TO ASK THOSE READING THIS JOURNAL TO SAY A LITTLE PRAYER FOR THOSE PRISON WIVES AND LOVED ONES WHO ARE AT HOME, TROUBLED AND SUFFERING., WITH MINDS UNABLE TO FOCUS ON ANYTHING, EXCEPT "HE IS LOCKED UP."  JUST A FEW WORDS TO GOD, THAT'S ALL.  YOU SEE, IN THE BEGINNING IT MAY BE HARD FOR THE PRISON WIFE TO EVEN PRAY, SO SHE NEEDS OUR HELP...THAT IS, FOR OUR COMBINED PRAYERS....SHE NEEDS OTHERS TO "PULL HER ALONG," THROUGH PRAY, AND OF COURSE GOOD WORKS.  I WOULD LIKE TO THANK EVERYONE WHO READS THIS JOURNAL.  AND I INVITE YOU TO KEEP READING AND COMMENTING AND E-MAILING ME....AS YOU WALK "THROUGH THE CORRIDERS OF MY MIND."    WITH LOVE,   FRAN

SURREAL EXPERIENCE

I AM WATCHING  LARRY KING ON TV.  HE HAS THE MOTHER AND BOYFRIEND OF THE YOUNG 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN, WHO WAS A BEAUTIFUL , YOUNG WOMAN, IN THE PROCESS OF BECOMING AN ACTRESS.  HER NAME IS NICOLE, AND SHE WAS SHOT ON THE STREETS OF NEW YORK, DURING A MUGGING, IN THE EAST VILLAGE, BY 4 YOUTHS, AND DIED ON THE SPOT.  HER MOTHER EXPLAINS THE EXPERIENCE OF LOSING YOUR DAUGHTER AS 'SURREAL.'  THE DEATH OF HER DAUGHTER HAPPENED ONLY 2 MONTHS AGO, AND IT IS REALLY TOO SOON FOR THE MOTHER TO EVEN BE SPEAKING OF THIS, BECAUSE HER MIND IS WANDERING.  WHEN YOUR HUSBAND GOES TO PRISON, AS I  HAVE ALWAYS SAID, 'IT IS A SURREAL EXPERIENMCE.'  I HAVE SAID THIS MANY TIMES IN THIS JOURNAL, THAT THE MORNING JIMMY LEFT FOR COURT/JAIL, I LEANED INTO HIS CHEST AND SAID, "THIS IS SURREAL.  I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING."  DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT REALLY MEANS TO FEEL YOU ARE IN A 'SURREAL' STATE?  IT FEELS YOU ARE IN A BUBBLE. YOU CAN NOT THINK AND MAKE DECISIONS.  YOU FEEL LIKE YOU ARE FLOATING.  YOU FEEL COMPLETELY DISCONNECTED FROM THE WORLD.  YOU OFTEN FLOAT ABOVE, AND 'SEE" YOURSELF FROM ABOVE.  YOU CANNOT CONCENTRATE. YOU CANNOT FOLLOW WHAT OTHERS ARE SAYING.  WATCHING TV, AND LISTENING TO THE RDIO ARE USELESS, BECAUSE YOUR MIND CANNOT FOLLOW ANYONE'S SPEECH. YOU FEEL FAINT AND UNATTACHED.  YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH YOURSELF.  YOU CAN'T S;EEP, AND YET BEING AWAKE IS USELESS..AND THE LIST GOES ON AND ON.  MANY OF YOU PRISON WIVES KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.  THE MOTHER OF NICOLE WILL BE GOING TO SUPPORT GROUPS, AND PSYCHIATRISTS. BUT FOR THE PRISONER'S WIFE, SHE HAS NO ONE.  AND THAT IS WHY I SEE A NEED IN OUR COUNTRY FOR FOLLOW-UP PROGRAMS FOR THE PRISONER'S WIFE.  SUPPORT GROUPS. SOME ONE SHOULD VISIT YOU AT HOME TO SEE IF YOU ARE "HANDLING IT' OK. SOMEONE SHOULD AUTOMATICALLY BE THERE TO CHECK UP ON THE PRISONW IFE.  ESPECIALLY, IN THE FIRST FEW MONTHS OF INCARCERATION.  I AM LUCKY. I HAVE PAST THOSE DEPRESSING FIRST FEW MONTHS/ YEARS, AS I SEE THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL.  BUT I WORRY ABOUT YOU, WHO ARE JUST NOW ENTERING THAT PHASE.  AND I HAVE A VISION, THAT THINGS IN OUR COUNTRY WILL ONE DAY CHANGE.  AS I HAVE SAID, EARLIER, GREAT BRITAIN HAS A WONDERFUL NET-WORK TO HELP FAMILIES OF THE INCARCERATED.  WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO SEE IT HERE TOO?  

I AM ONE OF THE 30% WHO SURVIVED!

HI EVERYONE!  TODAY HAS BEEN AN UNUSUAL DAY, AND A BUSY ONE TOO.  I WANTED TO WRITE THIS A FEW DAYS AGO, BUT NEVER GOT AROUND IT. PLEASE READ EVERY WORD OF IT, BECAUSE THERE IS A SPECIAL MESSAGE HERE, I WOULD LIKE TO SHARE WITH YOU. I WRITE THIS JOURNAL BECAUSE I HAPPEN TO ENJOY WRITING, AND LIKE TO SHARE MY LIFE WITH YOU.  BUT IF I DON'T HAVE A PURPOSE AND REASON IN LIFE TO DO THIS, IT WOULD ULTIMATELY BE OF LITTLE USE. WELL, I GUESS YOU WERE ALL WATCHING ABOUT THE POPE ON TV, AS HE WAS DYING.  YOU MAY HAVE SEEN DOCTORS TALKING ABOUT "SEPTIC SHOCK," WHICH THE POPE WAS IN. IT "SHOCKED ME," BECAUSE I DIDN'T REALIZE THAT THE SURVIVAL RATE WAS SO LOW.  WELL, GUESS WHO WAS IN THAT 30% SURVIVAL RATE?  YOURS TRUELY!  YES, LAST AUTUMN, IN SEPTEMBER AND OCTOBER 2004, I HAD A TOE THAT TURNED GANGRENE, AND I WAS ALSO IN SEPTIC SHOCK. I MADE A MIRACULOUS RECOVERY.  EVEN MY VASCULAR SURGEON COULD NOT BELIEVE THAT MY FOOT, AFTER THE AMPUTATION HAD HEALED SO WELL, AND HE HAD THOUGHT I NEEDED  2 MORE SURGERIES, WHICH I DIDN'T AFTER ALL. I WAS DYING, AND KNEW IT. MY FEVERS WOULD NOT BREAK, EVEN THOUGH I WAS ON INTENSE ANTIBIOTICS (VANCOMYCIN AND OTHERS).  MY HEMAGLOBIN KEPT FALLING, AND I WAS TRANSFUSED WITH 4 UNITS OF PACKED CELLS.  I WAS DEHYDRATED, AND ALL ELECTROLYTES WERE THROWN OFF BALANCE. I WAS GASPING FOR BREATH. MY KIDNEYS WERE SHUTTING DOWN.  I WAS PARTIALLY CONFUSED, AS YOU SEE, THE MASSIVE STAPH INFECTION (mrsa), RAPIDLY SPREADS TO YOUR ENTIRE BODY, INCLUDING YOUR BRAIN. I WAS IN TOTAL PAIN THROUGH-OUT MY BODY, WITH SEVERE HEADACHES. MY IMMUNE SYSTEM BROKE DOWN, AND THE BONE MARROW WAS NO LONGER PRODUCING RED BLOOD CELLS, SO I HAD TO BE GIVEN SHOTS TO PRODUCE BONE MARROW.  YOU SEE, I LAY IN BED, AND KNEW I WAS DYING, BECAUSE MY BODY WAS NOT RESPONDING TO THE MEDICINE. AND MY HUSBAND WAS NOT WITH ME. I DON'T LIKE TO BE TOO GRAPHIC, ABOUT WHAT IT IS LIKE TO BE DYING.  NO ONE WANTS TO READ ABOUT THAT. I AM HAPPY TO HAVE NURSED MY OWN SELF BACK TO HEALTH, AND I STILL AMAZE THE DOCTORS! (i had 9 doctors working on my case, figuring out just how to save me).  I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL FOR 6 WEEKS.  WHY DO I WRITE THIS?  BECAUSE YOU, AS A PRISON WIFE , SHOULD BE AWARE OF THIS.  AS IT IS NOW, WE HAVE NO RIGHTS. WE WILL HAVE TO BE SICK, AND DIE ALONE, IF OUR HUSBAND IS IN PRISON.  IT SHOULD CHANGE.  AND SO, I LEARNED THESE FACTS. IF A WIFE DIES, THE PRISONER MUST PAY $800 TO GO TO SEE HIS WIFE, FOR 1 HOUR , LAID OUT.  HE WILL BE TAKEN IN HAND-CUFFS, AND A WAIST BELT, AND IN SHACKLES, TO THE FUNERAL PARLOR.  HE WILL SEE NO ONE ELSE.  THE DOORS WILL BE LOCKED AS HE SPENDS TIME WITH HIS WIFE. HE IS NOT PART OF ANY SERVICES.  IF, SHE IS SEVERELY SICK, HE MUST ALSO PAY $800 TO BE BROUGHT TO HER BEDSIDE IN HANDCUFFS AND SHACKLES.  I KNOW ALL THIS SOUNDS GRUESOME. THESE ARE THE FACTS, AS I UNDERSTAND IT, HERE IN NEW JERSEY.  PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF IT IS DIFFERENT ELSEWHERE. WHAT I FEEL , IS THAT PRISONER'S WIVES SHOULD WRITE TO THEIR "STATE LEGISLATORS, "  ABOUT THE "RIGHTS FOR PRISONER'S WIVES."  WHEN YOU ARE SICK, OR DIE, IT SHOULD BE YOUR RIGHT, AS A WIFE, TO HAVE YOUR HUSBAND AT YOUR SIDE.  DON'T YOU THINK SO?  I WAS THERE, AND IT COULD HAPPEN TO ANYONE.  IF NOT FOR OURSELVES, LET US TRY TO MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE, FOR THOSE IN THE FUTURE.  ONE PERSON DOES MAKE A DIFFERENCE. WHILE JIMMY WAS AT BAYSIDE PRISON, MINIMUM SECURITY UNIT, THERE WAS A YOUNG MAN WHOSE WIFE DIED, UBEXPECTEDLY.  SHE ALSO DIED FROM A MASSIVE INFECTION, LIKE MINE, AND LIKE THE POPE.  HE NEVER WENT TO HER FUNERAL.  HE NEVER HAD ANY CLOSURE ON HIS WIFE'S DEATH.  AND THAT IS A VERY TERRIBLE THING.  HE WAS OFFERED TO BE BROUGHT BACK TO THE MAIN PRISON, PUT IN A CELL, IN SOLITARY CONFINEMENT.  A SOCIAL WORKER SPOKE TO HIM.  I WROTE ABOUT HIM HERE, IN THIS JOURNAL.  WE PRAYED FOR HIM AND HIS WIFE, AND 3 SMALL CHILDREN.  HE FELT SOME RELIEF THAT PEOPLE WERE PRAYIG FOR HIM ON THE INTERNET. THAT PEOPLE CARED.  AND SO, I ASK YOU, TO PLEASE THINK ABOUT 'THE RIGHTS OF THE PRISONER'S WIFE."   YOU MAY THINK YOU ARE MARRIED, AND HE BELONGS TO YOU.  WELL, GUESS WHAT. HE DOESN'T. HE STILL BELONGS TO THE STATE.........FRAN 

ANSWER TO A COMMENT

DEAR webbt2001,

I'VE BEEN MEANING TO ANSWER YOUR COMMENT WRITTEN ON MARCH 31.  IF YOU, OR ANYONE WANTS TO E-MAIL ME, FEEL FREE TO DO SO, AT   CRYSTAL MOON 222@aol.com   THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING MY JOURNAL, AND I'M HAPPY IT HELPS YOU GET THROUGH EACH DAY.  LIKE SHARON OSBORN SAYS, 'OUR LIFE IS AN OPEN BOOK."  AND SO, IN HELPING MYSELF, TO EXPRESS MY INNER THOUGHTS, I AM HAPPY TO HELP YOU, AND WHOEVER READS THIS JOURNAL.  IT IS WONDERFUL THAT YOU ARE A NURSING STUDENT, AND HELPING THE CHILDREN.  WHILE WORKING AS A NURSE, ALL THOSE YEARS, I ALWAYS FOCUSED ON OTHERS.  YOU SEE SO MUCH IN HOSPITALS, I DON'T THINK THE PUBLIC IS EVEN AWARE OF IT.  I MYSELF, AMONGST OTHER THINGS WORKED WITH AIDES PATIENTS FOR YEARS.  ACTUALLY, I TOOK CARE OF THE FIRST AIDES PATIENTS, BEFORE THE WORD "AIDES' WAS HEARD OF.  WE, AS NURSES SAW THESE TYPE OF PEOPLE IN THE HOSPITAL, BUT WEREN'T SURE WHAT THEY HAD. AND SUDDENLY YOU HEARD "AIDES."  I WORKED ON ONE OF THE FIRST AIDES UNITS IN NEW YORK CITY.  I WAS AN ASSISTANT HEAD URSE THERE. WE WERE CONSIDERED PIONEERS, BECAUSE NO BODY REALLY KNEW IF WE WOULD COME DOWN WITH "AIDES" OURSELVES , SOMEWHERE DOWN THE ROAD.  BUT WE WERE NEVER AFRAID, AND NEVER EVEN GAVE IT A SECOND THOUGHT.  WHEN YOU ARE A NURSE, YOU NEVER EVEN THINK ABOUT CONTACTING WHAT THE PATIENTS HAVE.  THESE AIDES PATIENTS WE TOOK CARE OF WERE PROBABLY THE WORST THAT ANYONE HAS EVER SEEN.  THEY WERE THE STREET JUNKIES, HOMELESS, HEROIN ADDICTED, FROM THE "BOWELS OF THE EARTH."  THEY WEIGHED AROUND 90 LBS.  THEY WOULD THROW URINE AND SPIT AT US.  WE WOULD CLEAN THEM UP (INCONTINENCE).  AND ALL WOUND UP DYING, SOONER OR LATER.  THEY HAD NO FAMILIES. THEIR BODIES WOULD SIMPLY BE SENT OFF TO 'POTTER'S FIELD."  SO THAT WAS HOW LIFE WAS FOR ME , IN THE 1970'S AND 1980'S.  AND I PARTICULARLY REMEMBER ONE DAY, I FOUND ONE OF MY PREVIOUS PATIENTS SITTING ON THE GROUND IN FRONT OF THE HEALTH FOOD STORE I WAS GOING INTO. I STOPPED LEANED DOWN, AND SPOKE WITH HIM.  I NOTICED THE DIRTY DRESSING ON HIS LEG. IT WAS THE ONE I HAD PUT ON HIM LAST, MANY DAYS AGO. IT HAD MY INITIALS. I ASKED HIM TO PLEASE WALK AROUND THE CORNER AND GO TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM.  HIS WOUND NEEDED TO BE LOOKED AFTER.  I'M SURE IT MUST BE INFECTED AGAIN, IT WAS SOFILTHY.  AND SO, I BOUGHT HIM A DRINK, AND FOOD, AND HE HOPEFULLY DID WHAT I SAID. GOOD-NIGHT EVERYONE.  FRAN

'THE WAY WE ARE"

I AM LUCKY TO HAVE A HUSBAND WHO SAYS ALL THE RIGHT WORDS.  HE KNOWS EXACTLY HOW TO GET ME OUT OF A BAD MOOD.  I THINK I'M A CHALLENGE TO HIM, MOST TIMES.  SO TODAY, HE WAS HIS WONDERFUL SELF, AND TOLD ME ALL THE "MAGIC WORDS, " AND I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER TODAY. MY HUSBAND IS A VERY PERSISITANT MAN.  I LIKE THAT QUALITY IN HIM.  HE IS PERSISTANT WITH ME.  I ALWAYS ASK HIM WHAT HE WOULD HAVE DONE IF I REFUSED TO MARRY HIM.  HE ANSWERS THAT HE WOULD HAVE PERSISTANTLY PURSUED ME.  I ALWAYS TELL HIM, THERE ARE THOUSANDS OF BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE WORLD.  WHY DO YOU WANT ME.  HE SAYS, HE LOVES ME, AND WANTS ONLY ME.  WELL, ENOUGH SAID!  I GUESS THERE MUST BE A FEW QUALITIES IN ME THAT ARE "LIKABLE" TO HUMANITY, ALTHOUGH I CAN';T FIGURE OUT JUST WHAT THEY ARE.  JIMMY SAYS THATY WHEN HE FINALLY COMES BACK HOME, HE WILL "WOO" ME AGAIN.  THAT IS AN OLD-FASHIONED TERM, FOR PURSUING YOUR LOVE.  AND SO, I GUESS, VERY AMUSINGLY, OUR "COURTSHIP" WILL START ALL OVER AGAIN.  JIMMY AND I ARE "MULTI-FACETED," LIKE A DIAMOND. THAT IS, THERE ARE ,MANY PARTS TO US. HE IS VERY MUCH THE LEADER, THE ADULT. HE IS THE KNOWLEDGABLE, WISE ONE.  AND YET, I AM THE ONE WHO CAN PULL HIS STRINGS. HE ALWAYS TELLS ME, "FRAN, YOU CAN DO NO WRONG."  AND SO, PRETTY SOON, WE WILL BE LIKE 2 KIDS. HE WILL PURSUE ME. I WILL RESISIT HIM.HE WILL PULL MY PIG-TAILS. I WILL SAY"GO AWAY."  AND SO, WE WILL PLAY, LIKE 2 KIDS.  AND THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT IS!.............FRAN

"THE WAY WE WERE"

ONE THING WE CANNOT DO IS BRING BACK, "THE WAY WE WERE."  TWO YEARS AGO, GOING ON THREE, I WAS A HAPPY PERSON.  I WAS SMILING. IN LOVE WITH LIFE AND THE WORLD. AND , MOST IMPORTANT, IN LOVE WITH MY HUSBAND. PRISON SIMPLY HAS A WAY OF DESTROYING THAT. AND THEY SURE DID A VERY GOOD JOB OF IT. I AM SURE MANY OF YOU WILL AGREE.