Saturday, March 26, 2005

THE PRISON WIFE AND HOLIDAYS

HOLIDAYS ARE ESPECIALLY HARD TIMES FOR THE "PRISON WIFE," AND LOVED ONES OF PRISONERS.  AS FOR MYSELF, THIS IS THE THIRD EASTER THAT JIMMY IS "AWAY."....AND BELIEVE ME, IT ONLY GETS WORSE FOR ME, NOT BETTER.

ONCE A PERSON WHO LIKED TO CELEBRATE HOLIDAYS, NOW IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER ANYMORE.

NOW BEFORE YOU JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS, LET ME EXPLAIN.  THE "CELEBRATION' OF A HOLIDAY MEANS GAITY, FOOD, FUN, AND LAUGHTER, WITH FRIENDS AND FAMILY GETTING TOGETHER.............AND SO, MY HUSBAND, WHO IS MY "FAMILY," IS AWAY....AND NO OTHER FAMILY MEMBER FOR THE PAST 3 YEARS HAS EVER EVEN ASKED ME WHAT I AM DOING FOR EASTER.....................NOT HIS FATHER, NOR ANYONE ELSE..........IF I KNEW A WOMAN WAS ALONE, WITH A HUSBAND IN PRISON, AND JIMMY AND I WERE COOKING HOLIDAY FOOD, ETC., IT WOULD BE IN OUR HEART AND SOUL TO INVITE THAT PERSON TO OUR HOUSE TO BE TOGETHER.  JIMMYMAND I DID THAT ON MANY HOLIDAYS..............WE COOKED SO MUCH FOOD, AND INVITED PEOPLE IN TO OUR HOUSE WHO HAD NO ONE...........AND ON HOLIDAYS LIKE THANKSGIVING, HE WOULD BRING TURKEY AND TRIMMINGS THAT HE HAD COOKED TO ALL THAT WE KNEW.

WHEN JIMMY WAS HOME, I LOVED TO BAKE, ....AND WE DID IT TOGETHER...........TREMNDOUS AMOUNTS OF COOKIES, CAKES, MUFFINS.  DURING EASTER SEASON, WE WOULD BAKE SPECIAL EASTER BREADS, AND SWEETS...........WE WOULD BRING THEM TO EVERYONE........WE EVEN SENT JIMMY'S FATHER A SPECIAL ITALIAN EASTER PASTRY WE HAD MADE WHILE IN LAS VEGAS.................WHILE HERE IN NEW JERSEY, WE WOULD BAKE ALL DAY.  THE FIRST PERSON WE WOULD CALL WAS HIS FATHER, WHO WOULD RUN TO OUR HOUSE AND WE WOULD GIVE HIM ALMOST EVERYTHING WE BAKED.......OUR DINING ROOM TABLE WOULD BE FULL OF THE BAKED GOODS WE BAKED............AND NOW, JIMMY'S FATHER HAS TREATED ME LIKE A PIECE OF S--- SINCE THE FIRST DAY OF HIS INCARCERATION.  OH YES!  JIMMY'S FATHER WAITED FOR HIM TO BE LOCKED UP, TO TURN AGAINST ME, AND TELL ME HOW HE HATED HIS SON, HIS WHOLE LIFE...........WELL, IT ALL GOT SO BAD, 7 MONTHS AGO, I LOOKED AT HIM IN THE EYES AND SAID, "WELL, YOU ARE THE "FATHER" OF A "CRIMINAL!"........."YOU ARE THE ONE WHO 'MADE" HIM......I AM HIS WIFE AND CHOSE TO MARRY HIM. I LOVE JIMMY...AND I DON'T WANT TO HEAR, FROM YOU, MY FATHER-IN-LAW, HOW TERRIBLE JIMMY IS....BECAUSE HE IS TERRIBLE FOR YOU, BECAUSE YOU HATE HIM.......BUT YOU SEE, I LOVE HIM, AND JIMMY IS A WONDERFUL MAN.".................WELL, I GOT TIRED OF HIS VERBAL ABUSE TO HIS SON, WHEN JIMMY IS IN A PLACE WHERE HE CANNOT DEFEND HIMSELF....AND SO HIS FATHER USED ME NOW, TO CONTINUE TO ABUSE HIS SON............AND SO, NEED I SAY, MR. FATHER-IN-LAW HASN'T SPOKEN TO ME SINCE..........AND IT IS FINE WITH ME, BECAUSE I'M MARRIED TO JIMMY, AND NOT TO HIM.....(THANK GOD)

SORRY I GOT OFF THE SUBJECT......

EASTER 2003 WAS A TOUCHING TIME.  EASTER THAT YEAR FELL IN APRIL, BUT WE KNEW JIMMY WAS TURNING HIMSELF IN MARCH 28, 2003.

AND SO, THE WEEK BEFOR E HE LEFT, WE BOUGHT EASTER CHOCOLATE BUNNYS, JELLY BEANS, ..STUFFED BUNNIES........I MADE A BEAUTIFUL EASTER BASKET FOR MY JIMMY....YES, JIMMY IS MY LITTLE BOY, TOO.........IT WAS FILLED WITH GREEN AND YELLOW AND PURPLE GRASS.............AND CHOCOLATE EGGS.........AND SO MANY PRETTY THINGS!.....................JIMMY BOUGHT ME A LIFE-SIZED STUFFED BUNNY, WHICH WHEN HE LEFT I PLACED ON HIS SIDE OF THE BED, AND IT IS STILL THERE.  JIMMY BOUGHT ME PINK BUNNY EARS, THAT I WORE FOR HIM  :)

AND WE TOOK SO MANY PIX.........WE WERE SO HAPPY, BUT IT WAS LIKE A KNIFE STICKING INTO MY STOMACH, BECAUSE I KNEW IN A FEW DAYS HE WOULD BE GONE, AND THE HOUSE WOULD BE EMPTY, AND I'D BE ALONE........WITH A FUTURE UNCERTAIN.........YES, THE FUTURE LOOMED BEFORE ME, IN AN ALSMOST UNBEARABLE WAY............I NEVER, EVER, WANT TO GO BACK TO  THAT TIME IN MY LIFE.......AND TRUTHFULLY AFTER GOING THROUGH THIS, I WOULD MUCH RATHER BE DEAD THEN TO GO THROUGH IT AGAIN.........THE FIRST MONTHS, AND YEARS WERE THE WORST FOR ME........IT ONLY STARTED GETTING A LITTLE BETTER FOR ME LATELY, WHEN I CAN SEE SOME SORT OF LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL....................

AND SO, ANOTHER EASTER.........LIKE I SAID, IN THE BEGINNING OF THIS ENTRY, HOLIDAYS ARE TIMES OF CELEBRATIONS WITH FAMILY............THAT IS, "IF YOU HAVE A FAMILY!"...............SO FOR ME, I SPEND IT IN PEACE, HERE AT HOME WITH THE ANIMALS, DOING MY NORMAL ACTIVITIES OF DAILY LIVING....THE SAME THINGS I DO EACH DAY, TO KEEP OUR HOUSEHOLD TOGETHER..............AND YES, TALKING TO GOD...........THERE ARE 3 I TALK TO 24 HOURS /DAY, ANYHOW............I TALK TO MYSELF, TO JIMMY, AND TO GOD.......ALL DAY, AND EVERYDAY...........

'CONVERSATIONS WITH GOD"..........HAVE YOU READ THAT BOOK?  I DID A FEW YEARS AGO....IT'S A GREAT BOOK..............LATELY, I HAVE A FEW QUESTIONS FOR GOD....I ALWAYS ASK HIM  CERTAIN THINGS, THAT I CAN'T QUITE UNDERSTAND...........I GOT SOME ANSWERS THIS MORNING.

I ORDERED A BOOK ON AMAZON.COM, AND IT ARRIVED THIS MORNING.  IT'S CALLED , "THE PURPOSE DRIVEN LIFE,"   BY RICK WARREN,  AND AS YOU ALL MAY KNOW HAS BECOME VERY POPULAR RECENTLY....IT IS THE BOOK THAT THE WOMAN READ TO THE CRIMINAL WHO SHOT THE JUDGE AND 3 OTHERS, WHILE HE WAS IN COURT............I FINALLY GOT THE BOOK.............IT'S BELIEF'S ARE THOSE WHICH I ALREADY HAVE, AND SO DOES MY HUSBAND.........IT'S WORDED AND PRESENTED VERY NICELY.........AND IT ANSWERS SOME QUESTIONS.......WE MAY ALL HAVE.

BEING A FAST READER, I ALREADY READ MOST OF THE BOOK...........(DON'T ASK ME HOW I DO IT, AS I'M BLIND....I EVEN HAVE THE DOCTORS PUZZLED!)

BASICALLY, WHY IS THERE EVIL IN THE WORLD?  WHY DOES GOD ALLOW CRIME, MURDERS, ETC.?

ANSWER:.....GOD DOES NOT WANT EVIL IN THE WORLD.  GOD CREATED MAN WITH A FREE-WILL......MAN CAN CHOOSE FOR HIMSELF TO DO EITHER GOOD OR BAD........WE ALL HAVE A "CHOICE'..........GOD WOULD LOVE THE WORLD TO BE A PEACEFUL, CRIME-FREE PLACE.........BUT MAN, THROUGH HIS CHOICE OF EVIL, HAS MADE OUR WORLD THE WAY IT IS.

LET US TRY TO MAKE THIS WORLD A MORE PEACEFUL, LOVING WORLD, AS GOD WATS IT TO BE.  IT MAY BE A BIG TASK TO DO, BUT IT STARTS WITH JUST ONE PERSON......IF EACH PERSON WOULD START IT WITH THEMSELVES, IT COULD SPREAD LIKE WILDFIRE TO OTHERS.

SO, PLEASE WRITE TO ME, AND LET ME KNOW HOW YOU, AS A PRISON WIFE/LOVED ONE ARE DEALING WITH ,YES, ANOTHER EASTER.................PLEASE TELL ME HOW YOU FEEL...WHAT IS IN YOUR HEARTS............

I FEEL BLESSED THROUGH JIMMY'S INCARCERATION TO HAVE BECOME EXPOSED TO THE PRISON SYSTEM IN OUR COUNTRY, AND TO HAVE KNOWN ABOUT THE LOVED ONES/ WIVES THAT ARE AT HOME, SUFFERING, DEVOTED.......WITH ACHING HEARTS..........AS THOSE THEY LOVE ARE IN AN INSTITUTION...........

PLEASE LET ME KNOW...........

HAPPY EASTER........HAPPY SPRING!...................FRAN

 

5 comments:

adlessor said...

I am sorry you will be alone on Easter.   Wish we were closer.
I'll be thinking of you and you think of next Easter!    Dawn
http://journals.aol.com/adlessor/ACoupleofNomads/entries/807

webbt2001 said...

Hello I just found your journal page a couple of days ago while search the internet for support groups for prison wifes.  My boyfriend of 9 years is incarcerated I found your page and I started reading some of your journal's from the very beging and felt your pain.  I thought to myself God I'm not the only one feeling this way. I'm a nursing student that  works 7p-7a at a children's hospital so I felt blessed to be in the company of children on Good Friday and Sat, however, I will find my self alone on easter Sunday, I will go to church, go to his family's house eat dinner and then go home and sit, pray,and wish.  I also just brought the book purpose driven life, it seems that we have so much in common and share alot of the same thoughts.  May God bless you on this Easter...  

p00kie2323 said...

just know far or close u are not alone on easter for u have one another in your hearts and you have all of us in j land friends for u forever love you

sugar1337 said...

I am sorry your friends/family haven't been that great to you...but it hopefully will be over with soon.

rosethorns3564 said...

hello my name is annie i have three kids and a wonderfull husband i am a at home mom i have no freinds i get lonley some times on febuary 15th i had a horable car crash i toulk my eyes of the road for a split second my handecapped brother issac was in the van he was trapped in the van he didnt make it i miss him so bad i think about him almost every second i know that hes with god.
i survived god has a plan for me i just dont know when or how i know im on a different subject but your story touched my heart i am so soory about your husband you will be in my prayers every day.
god bless you and your family.