Monday, March 28, 2005

KINTOCK IS A GREAT PLACE!

 

IF YOUR HUSBAND IS GOING TO A WORKING HALF-WAY HOUSE,  YOU SHOULD HOPE HE GOES TO KINTOCK! IT HAS BEEN JIMMY'S HOME FOR THE PAST 6 MONTHS, AND HE IS HAPPY TO BE THERE. HE IS TREATED VERY NICE THERE. EVERYONE IS VERY GOOD TO HIM. HE HAS  FOUND A GREAT JOB,  WITH HELP FROM THE EMPLOYMENT COUNSELOR,  AND BEFORE THAT, HE WORKED IN THE KITCHEN, COOKING, AND HE ENJOYED THAT, TOO. NOW, HE IS WORKING AS THE MANAGER OF A FOOD-STORE, AND HE REALLY LIKES THAT.  HE TRAVELS 5 HOURS/DAY, TO AND FROM THE JOB, AND HE WORKS 8 HOURS/DAY...6 DAYS A WEEK....BUT HE LOVES IT! WHEN I WENT TO VISIT JIMMY LAST CHRISTMAS, I FOUND A VERY PLEASANT ATMOSPHERE AT KINTOCK. HE IS IN A NEW BUILDING, SO EVERYTHING WAS NEW AND SPARKLING CLEAN! IT HAD A CALM , PEACEFUL ATMOSPHERE. EVERYTHING AND EVERYBODY SEEMED IN ORDER. THERE WAS AN AIR OF "FRESHNESS" ABOUT THE PLACE. SO I AM HAPPY THAT JIMMY IS THERE! HE WAS EVEN GIVEN A NEW BED TO SLEEP IN, SEVERAL WEEKS AGO. JIMMY WAS OFF FROM WORK YESTERDAY, EASTER, SO WE SPOKE ON THE PHONE ALL DAY!  HE MADE HIS FIRST CALL AT 11AM, AND THEN HE CALLED ME AROUND EVERY 2 HOURS, THEREAFTER. THE CALLS WERE LONG ONES. AT LEAST 30 MINUTES EACH! HIS LAST CALL CAME IN THE EVENING.  YOU MAY WONDER EXACTLY WHAT WE TALK ABOUT SO MUCH! WELL, YESTERDAY, HE ANALYZED ME, AMONG OTHER THINGS! HE IS VERY GOOD AT THAT! WHAT OTHER PEOPLE GO TO THERAPISTS FOR, AND PAY BIG BUCKS, MY HUSBAND DOES IT FOR FREE TO ME! WE STARTED WAY BACK TO THE BEGINNING OF MY CHILDHOOD. JUST HOW I WAS TREATED, AND WHAT WAS HAPPENING TO ME ALL THE TIME. WE PROGRESSED THROUGH MY LIFE, THROUGH EACH PHONE CALL.  UNTIL FINALLY AT 5PM, I WAS SO RELIEVED, BECAUSE JIMMY HIT IT ON THE HEAD.IT WASN'T ME AT ALL, BUT THE FAMILY ENVIRONMENT THAT I GREW UP IN. HOW I WAS IGNORED, AND NEVER ALLOWED TO FLOURISH. I WAS ALWAYS SUPPRESSED. AND IT'S TOO COMPLICATED TO EXPLAIN, BUT IT LEAD UP TO EXACTLY WHY I FEEL SO DEPRESSED AROUND THE HOLIDAYS. NO MATTER HOW I TRY, EVERY HOLIDAY SEEMS DEPRESSING, AND IT ALL CAN BE TRACED TO MY CHILDHOOD. TO THE NEUROTIC FAMILY I GREW UP IN. IS IT ANY WONDER AT THE AGE OF 20, I LEFT MY HOUSEHOLD, WENT TO NEW YORK, LIVED ON MY OWN. AND PROGRESSED THROUGH A CAREER, EDUCATING MYSELF THROUGH GRADUATE SCJHOOL, AND TREAVELING AROUND THE WORLD, MANY, MANY TIMES.  I WAS MY OWN SUPPORT SYSTEM. TRUTHFULLY, THE WORLD BECAME MY FAMILY. I FOUND COMFORT IN "THE WORLD." SEEING THE WORLD, EXPERIENCING LIFE, AND DIFFERENT CULTURES.  I TOOK PRIDE IN MY WORK, AND WORKED VERY HARD, AND LOTS OF OVERTIME. AND NOW, 30 YEARS LATER, IT IS STILL THE SAME. NO SUPPORT SYSTEM.(except my husband), AND WITH A HUSBAND IN PRISON, I OFTEN FEEL VERY DESERTED. I FEEL ABANDONED.  I ALWAYS HAVE FELT THAT WAY. AND SO, JIMMY IS MY MAIN BASE. HE IS THE ONE THROUGH 2 YEARS IN PRISON, THAT HAS NEVER DESERTED ME. I HAVE A FAMILY THAT TRAVELS ALL OVER THE STATE OF NEW JERSEY, BUT CAN'T DRIVE ME TO SEE MY HUSBAND, AT LEAST ON A HOLIDAY. IT IS A SHAME, BUT WE ALL HAVE "FREE -WILL."  WE ALL MAKE THE CHOICE OF WHAT WE WANT TO DO IN THIS LIFE. AND SO, BY 5 PM, I FELT MUCH BETTER, AND WAS ONCE AGAIN LAUGHING WITH JIMMY. HE EXPLAINED TO ME THAT I TEND TO ALWAYS PUT A WALL UP AROUND ME.  JIMMY IS THE ONLY ONE I WILL LET THAT WALL DOWN WITH.  HE SAID, I LET IT DOWN HERE IN THIS JOURNAL, AND YOU CAN ALL GET TO KNOW ME THAT WAY. IF YOU MET ME IN PERSON, I'D BE THAT QUITE PERSON OFF IN THE DISTANT CORNER. YOU'D PROBABLY THINK I BELONGED IN THE LIBRARY. WELL, LIKE I SAID, I HAVE MY FAMILY TO THANK FOR THAT. SUPPRESSION, IS WHAT IT IS CALLED. AND NOW THAT JIMMY BROUGHT ME BACK HERE AFTER 30 YEARS , TO NEW JERSEY, THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO I AM. I AM A PERSON WHO LIVED ON MY OWN FOR 30 YEARS. WHO EDUCATED MYSELF, AND ALWAYS STRIVED TO ACHIEVE. THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO I AM, THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW ABOUT HALF OF MY ACCOMPLISHMENTS IN LIFE. THINGS LIKE I WAS ALWAYS CLIMBING THE CAREER LADDER, THAT I HAVE A 3.8 AVERAGE IN COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY GRADUATE SCHOOL,(TEACHER'S COLLEGE)  THAT I RECEIVED THE "AMBASSADOR OF COURTESY AWARD" IN LAS VEGAS. THAT I AM LISTED  IN SEVERAL 'WHO'S WHO BOOKS IN AMERICA," THAT I WAS A MEMBER OF KAPPA DELTA PI, INTERNATIONAL HONOR SOCIETY IN EDUCATION. THAT I HAVE BEEN ACCEPTED IN THE DOCTORAL PROGRAM AT TEACHER'S COLLEGE. THAT I HAVE CERTIFICATION IN NURSING. THAT I WORKED AS AN RN THROUGHOUT OUR COUNTRY, IN THE BEST HOSPITALS. CALIFORNIA, NEW YORK CITY, LAS VEGAS. THAT I HAVE NURSING LICENSES IN 5 STATES (WASHINGTON, CALIFORNIA, NEVEDA, NEW JERSEY, AND NEW YORK). AND THE LIST OF MY ACHIEVEMENTS IN LIFE GOES ON AND ON. I JUST DON'T GET IT, BECAUSE THEY JUST DON'T CARE. HOW THEY SEE ME NOW, IS A WOMAN WITH A HUSBAND THAT IS A CRIMINAL. AND SO THEY TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME. THEY ENJOY PUSHING ME AWAY INTO THE CORNER. A BLIND WOMAN. ALONE. THEY SEE ME AS A BURDEN TO THEM AND THE WORLD. AND YET I AM MORE PRODUCTIVE NOW, THAN EVER. A SIMPLE GETTING TOGETHER ON A HOLIDAY, SUCH AS EASTER, IS TOO MUCH FOR THEM. THEY ALL GET TOGETHER, GO OUT TO DINNER, ETC.  BUT REFUSE TO INCLUDE ME. AND THEN, THEY CALL ME TO SAY WHERE THEY HAVE BEEN AND WHAT THEY DID. DON'T YOU, WHO ARE READING THIS JOURNAL, THINK THAT IS A FORM OF MENTAL TORTURE? YES, ABUSE DOES NOT HAVE TO BE PHYSICAL. IN BEING STRONG, I HAVE ALWAYS SURVIVED THEIR STRANGE WAYS. IT IS A VERY BIG SHAME. AND YET, NOW, THEY STILL TRY TO SUPPRESS ME..TO CONTROL ME IN A NEGATIVE WAY. WELL, THAT IS ME. MY FAMILY. WHAT ABOUT YOURS?  I BET YOU , TOO, HAVE SOME PROBLEMS, SOMEWHERE. IT IS A KNOWN FACT THAT EVERYONE HAS SOME KIND OF PROBLEMS IN THE FAMILY SYSTEM. FOR A PRIME EXAMPLE, LET US LOOK AT THE CROWDED PRISONS. PROBLEMS IN THE FAMILY NETWORK WHEN YOU GET A CHANCE, PLEASE CLICK ON THE COMMENTS, AND READ SOME OF THEM. THEY ARE REALLY BEAUTIFUL, AND SOUL-SEARCHING. I ALSO RECEIVE MANY E-MAILS, OF OTHER WOMAN LIKE ME, WITH HUSBANDS IN PRISON, WHO SILENTLY SUFFER. I HAVE BEEN DOING RESEARCH ON THE HELP AVAILABLE IN OUR COUNTRY FOR THE "LOVED ONES OF PRISONERS."  ALL THAT I COULD FIND WAS THAT IN GREAT BRITAIN , THERE IS A VERY LARGE NETWORK, TO HELP THE LOVED ONES OF PRISONERS. I AM LOOKING IN TO IT, AND WILL BE WRITING TO GREAT BRITAIN TO FIND OUT MORE ABOUT IT. THIS IS MAINLY WHAT I AM CONCERNED ABOUT. THE LOVED ONES OF PRISONERS SHOULD HAVE SOME RIGHTS, TOO. THEY SHOULD NOT BE TOSSED ASIDE. NOT NEGLECTED. I WILL BE DOING FURTHER WORK ON THIS, AND PLEASE NEED YOUR SUPPORT. WELL IT'S ANOTHER DAY! TODAY IS MARCH 28. THIS IS THE DAY, 2 YEARS AGO, THAT JIMMY WALKED OUT OUR FRONT DOOR, TO THE COURT, AND THEN TO JAIL. IT WAS A BRIGHT, WARM, SUNNY, FRIDAY. VERY BEAUTIFUL AND SPRING-LIKE.  JIMMY WANTED TO GO ALONE. HE COULD NOT BEAR ME TO BE IN COURT. TO SEE HIM HAND-CUFFED BEFORE ME, AND TAKEN AWAY BEFORE MY EYES. AND I DON'T THINK I COULD HAVE GONE THROUGH IT, MYSELF. AND SO, JIMMY'S FATHER AND FRIEND, CAME AND PICKED HIM UP, HERE AT HOME, AND THEY LEFT HIM IN FRONT OF THE COURTHOUSE. YES, MY JIMMY HAD TO GO THROUGH THAT ALL ALONE. I BEGGED HIS FATHER TO GO TO COURT WITH HISSON, BUT HE OUTWARDLY REFUSED ME. IT BREAKS MY HEART THAT JIMMY WAS IN THAT COURTROOM ALONE. THE NIGHT BEFORE, WE HARDLY SLEPT. WE WERE AWAKE, JIMMY TAKING CARE OF ALL LAST MINUTE BUSINESS, FOR THE HOUSEHOLD.  HE SAT ME DOWN, AND DICTATED, AS I WROTE INTO NOTEBOOKS, ALL THE IMPORTANT THINGS I NEEDED TO KNOW ABOUT THE HOUSEHOLD. PHONE NUMBERS, ETC.AND THEN, WE LAID DOWN AROUND 4 AM. HE HELD ME SO TIGHT, I THOUGHT I WAS GOING RIGHT THROUGH THE BONES IN HIS CHEST. IT WAS LIKE A "DEATH GRIP" ON ME. WE SOMEHOW FELL ASLEEP FOR A LITTLE WHILE, WITH HIM STILL HOLDING ME SO TIGHTLY. MY FACE AND BODY WAS "CRUSHED" INTO HIM.  I WISHED I COULD HAVE GONE INTO HIM. BECOME PART OF HIS BODY CELLS. AND THE MORNING CAME ALL TOO SOON. IN THE DAYS AND HOURS BEEFORE HIS INCARCERATION, IT WAS LIKE A BIG UGLY THING HANGING OVER OUR HEADS. THE NIGHT BEFORE, I SAID, 'JIMMY PEOPLE GO TO THOSE PLACES AND DON'T COME OUT." HE COMFORTED ME. "YOU BECOME PART OF THESYSTEM," I SAID,   "AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO GET YOU OUT!" YOU SEE, I KNEW NOTHING ABOUT THE PRISON SYSTEM. AND SO, OUR LAST EMBRACE WAS AT THE FRONT DOOR. I LEANED FORWARD INTO HIS CHEST AND SAID,  "THIS IS ALL SO ESOTERIC. I FEEL LIKE I AM OUT OF MY BODY RIGHT NOW. I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING." WE KISSED. HE LEFT. AFTER THAT, I'M NOT EVEN SURE WHAT HAPPENED. I CAN'T REMEMBER. ALL I KNOW IS I SAT, AND SAT.IN A QUITE HOUSE. NO TV, NO RADIO. I FED THE ANIMALS.  I WAITED FOR CALLS. I STOPPED EATING. AND DRINKING FLIUDS. I LOOKED AT A HALF EMPTY DIET COKE, ON MY BEDSIDE TABLE, AND REALIZED IT HAD BEEN SITTING THERE FOR DAYS, AND THAT I WOULD HAVE TO START DRINKING.AND THE NEXT DAY, A BIG STORM, LIKE A TORNADO, RUSHED THROUGH THE HOUSE. THE WIND HAD NEVER BLOWN SO STRONGLY THROUGH OUR HOUSE. IT WAS LIKE A DEMON. SHINGLES ON THE ROOF FLEW OFF. WIND CHIMES THAT JIMMY HAD PUT ON THE PATIO TORE OFF. I WAS FRIGHTENED AND SCARED. AND I COULD NOT THINK, EVEN AN HOUR, NO LESS A DAY IN ADVANCE. I SAT AND LOOKED AT THE 4 WALLS. I STOPPED THINKING. I STOPPED SLEEPING. I JUST SAT AND STARRED. I WAS NUMB ALL OVER. AND SO, I'M SO HAPPY IT IS NOW MARCH 28, 2005, AND NOT MARCH 28, 2003. I WOULD NOT, AND COULD NOT GO THROUGH THAT AGAIN.BYE, EVERYBODY. I'M THINKING OF YOU ALL!FRAN

.

5 comments:

crystalmoon222 said...

DEAR POOKIE,
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR CONTINUED SUPPORT, AND COMMENTS.  I DO NOT THANK YOU OFTEN ENOUGH!...YOU ARE SUCH AN IMPORTANT PERSON IN OUR WORLD.  WHY DO I SAY THIS?  BECAUSE IN CONTINUALLY READING MY JOURNAL, YOU ARE NOT ONLY SUPPORTING ME, BUT SUPPORTING SO MANY OTHER WIVES/ LOVED ONES WHO ARE IN PRISON....YOU ARE A BRIGHT, BEAUTIFUL (I SAW YOUR PIX!) , YOUNG, COLLEGE STUDENT, AND IT AMAZES ME THAT YOU ACTUALLY CARE!.....BECAUSE WE NEED PEOPLE LIKE YOU IN OUR COUNTRY.....WHO HAVE BEEN MADE  AWARE OF THE 'PLIGHT OF THE LOVED ONES/ WIVES OF PRISONERS........WITHOUT PEOPLE LIKE YOU, THE MISSION FOR OBTAINING SOME SORT OF RIGHTS OF LOVED ONES OF PRISONERS IN AMERICA, CAN NEVER BE ACHIEVED....YOU ARE THE COG IN  A BIG WHEEL.......FRAN

crystalmoon222 said...

DEAR webbt2001,
 thank you so much for your comment in the last entry....thank you for sharing your thoughts on easter sunday with me.  well, i guess we are in this together!...being alone, that is........i'm happy you have your boyfriend's family to go to....that in itself , is a blessing!  i , too , am a registered nurse, who had to retire due to my eyesight.......so it's really good that you are working with the children......you will emerse yorself in your work, and that is a good thing, while your boyfriend is away........i spend a lot of time writing, so that helps me along the way......no, you are not alone, in this painful experience......as far as i know, not too many support groups exist.......i love the book "a purpose driven life."..it has cleared things up for me, and given me strength to go on...i will be sending jimmy a copy, too...he can read it, and share it with the guys...how long has your boyfriend been in prison?.........keep in touch.................fran

pengboo said...

Fran,

Just think by next year you will be able take that stuffed rabbit out of your bed, and put him on the floor.  Your a strong woman.  I admire the strength you have to stand by Jimmy.  A truer love would be harder to find.  Bless you and Jimmy both.

sugar1337 said...

I am sorry that your family does that to you...if it were me I wouldn't even take their calls anymore.

crystalmoon222 said...

Hi....This is Jimmy............I have the greatest wife, a man could ever hope for. Fran, I could not love you more, but each day, you are my wife, I do love your more. We have gone throught so very much, these last 25 months, yet We are more firmly entrenched into each others hopes, dreams and of course, love for the other.          
 I need you so very much, Frances. Today and well and tomorrow is Ours.
                                                       
                                                              Your Husband