Wednesday, March 30, 2005

FLOWING THOUGHTS

I JUST TURNED THE COMPUTER ON TO SEE THAT ATTORNEY JOHNNIE COCHRAN DIED TODAY..HE DIED OF AN INOPERABLE BRAIN TUMOR..HERE WAS A BRILLIANT MAN, AND MY HEART GOES OUT TO HIM AND HIS FAMILY. YOU SEE, I WORKED AS A NURSE FOR 10 YEARS WITH PEOPLE WITH BRAIN TUMORS.  I WAS ON A "NEURO" FLOOR IN LAS VEGAS.  MOST OF OUR PATIENTS HAD BRAIN SURGERY.THAT IS, CRANIOTOMIES, TO REMOVE BRAIN TUMORS. SO I TOOK CARE OF THEM , SOMETIMES BEFORE THE SURGERY, TO ADMIT THEM TO THE HOSPITAL, AND THEN AFTER THEIR SURGERY, POST-OPERATIVELY. YES, I SAW A LOT. THE AVERAGE PERSON CAN NOT IMAGINE WHAT I SAW. HOW THESE PEOPLE WOULD BE ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT PEOPLE, AND THEN REDUCED TO ALMOST NOTHING..CONFUSED STATES OF MIND..SOME BECAME LIKE LITTLE CHILDREN AGAIN. I REMEMBER ONE YOUNG WOMAN WAS PREGNANT WHEN THEY FOUND A BRAIN TUMOR, AND IT WAS REMOVED, SHE BEAT THE ODDS, AND DELIVERED A BEAUTIFUL LITTLE BABY WHO WAS HEALTHY. SHE "MADE THE NEWS, " IN LAS VEGAS, AS THIS WAS A "MIRACLE" CASE. LIFE IS VERY SHORT.ALTHOUGH WE HATE TO DWELL ON THAT.FOR ME, AS A NURSE, I HAVE ALWAYS SEEN THAT.THERE IS SUCH A VERY FINE LINE BETWEEN LIFE AND DEATH.PEOPLE COME INTO THE HOSPITAL, AND MANY NEVER MAKE IT OUT.LIKE THE FAMOUS SCIAVO CASE   (feeding tube).THERE ARE MANY, MANY CASES LIKE THIS, THAT NEVER MAKE THE NEWS.I'VE SEEN PEOPLE KEPT ALIVE IN VEGATATIVE STATES FOR MANY, MANY YEARS.AND IT WAS NEVER AN ISSUE. YES, THE THINGS WE SEE, AS NURSES, BEHIND THE HOSPITAL WALLS.THAT THE PUBLIC NEVER SEES, NOR KNOWS ABOUT. AND THAT BRINGS ME TO THE SUBJECT, THAT IF LIFE IS SO SHORT, WHY HAVE I , AMONGST OTHERS, BEEN PUT THROUGH THIS? "THIS," MEANING HAVING YOUR HUSBAND IN PRISON.LIFE IS SO SHORT, AND JIMMY HAS BEEN TAKEN AWAY FROM ME, TO BELONG TO THE STATE. IS IT FAIR?  NOT TO ME, PERSONALLY, BUT IT IS FAIR ACCORDING TO  THE LEGAL SYSTEM IN OUR COUNTRY. WE ARE NOW INTO THE "THIRD YEAR" OF JIMMY BEING IN PRISON.  (THE THIRD YEAR BEGAN A FEW DAYS AGO , ON MARCH 28).  AND SO. IT IS NOW MORE A DREAM, THAN IT EVER WAS.  I AM, LIKE THE NEWSPAPER REPORTER SAID, LIKE "RAPUNZEL," IN HER CASTLE, WAITING FOR HER PRINCE TO RETURN, AND RELEASE HER FROM HER PRISON.  IN MY LIVING ROOM , SITS RAPUNZEL, A BARBIE DOLL, IN A PLASTIC PINK CASTLE.  HER LONG HAIR FLOWING.  SHE HAS STOOD THERE SINCE JIMMY BROUGHT HER FOR ME, 3 YEARS AGO.  THE TROUBLE IS, I NOW HAVE SHORTER HAIR, AND WOULD HAVE TO WAIT TOO MANY YEARS FOR IT TO GROW LONG, SO JIMMY COULD CLIMB UP IT. AND SO, I WAIT.  AND THE WAIT BECOMES SLOWER NOW, FOR SOME REASON.  I WONDER JUST WHO I AM?  "THE WAITING WIFE.".  I DON'T KNOW.  JIMMY SAYS I'M CONSTRUCTIVE, BUT AM I?  TOMORROW I WILL MAIL A 15- PAGE  3500 WORD STORY I WROTE FOR A MAGAZINE, THESE PAST FEW DAYS.  SO YES. I GUESS I'M CONSTRUCTIVE, IN SOME WAYS.  BUT TO ME, I JUST GET THROUGH THE ACTIVITIES OF DAILY LIVING.  I SLEEP. I EAT. I BATHE. I TAKE CARE OF THE HOUSE. I PAY THE BILLS. I TAKE CARE OF THE ANIMALS.  IT IS ALL SO MUNDANE, AND RITUALISTIC.  IT IS LIKE LIFE, WITHOUT LIFE.  CAN YOU IMAGINE THAT? AND JIMMY CONTINUES TO CALL, BUT LESS NOW, AS HE IS BUSY WORKING.  HE CALLS ME BEFORE HE LEAVES KINTOCK.  BUT THE CALLS ARE SHORTER.  HE IS A BUSY MAN , WORKING AT AN IMPORTANT JOB.  I AM SO PROUD OF HIM.  HE HAS A VERY RESPONSIBLE JOB, HANDLING A LARGE FOODSTORE.  MAKING SURE THE SHELVES ARE STOCKED, THE PLACE IS CLEAN AND ORDERLY, AND THE EMPLOYEES ARE DOING A GOOD JOB.  YES, THAT IS MY JIMMY FOR YOU! AND SO, I PROGRESS THROUGH LIFE.  WATCHING ONCE AGAIN., THE SEASONS TURN, THE TIME PASSING. I WAIT FOR THE WARM WEATHER. FOR THE TREES, AND FLOWERS, FOR THE GRASS, FOR THE BIRDS.  TO ONCE AGAIN GO OUTSIDE AND SIT ON THE PARK BENCHES, AND TALK TO THE TREES.  TO BE A PART OF NATURE, AND ASK GOD "WHY?" AND AS USUAL, I INVITE YOU INTO THE CORNERS OF MY MIND.  TO TAKE A "WALKING TOUR," OF THE CORNERS OF MY MIND. TO FIND OUT WHAT A WOMAN "IS THINKING," AS HER HUSBAND IS IN THE PRISON SYSTEM.  I AM LIKE A MUSEUM.  YOU CAN STROLL WITHIN MY MIND, AND JUST SEE WHAT IS THERE.  IT MAY BE INTERESTING TO YOU, AND IT MAY NOT BE.  I AM A DREAMER. THEY SAY THAT IS A SIGN OF A CREATIVE PERSON.  I DREAM, AND DREAM, AND DREAM.  I AM PART OF NO ONE AND NOTHING. MY HUSBAND IS A VOICE ON THE PHONE.  HE CONTINUES TO TELL ME I AM MARRIED.  BUT IT MAKES ME WONDER, BECAUSE I AM HEREALONE. AND SO, I CREATE MY OWN DIMENSION OF TIME AND PLACE.  MY OWN BUBBLE IS CREATED AROUND ME.  AND I WILL LET NO ONE IN, UNLESS THEY HAVE THE RIGHT WORDS, AND I KNOW THEY DON'T.  ONLY JIMMY CAN PENETRATE THAT BUBBLE, AND HE IS NOT HERE NOW. AND SO, I WILL SAY, GOOD-NIGHT, AND HOPE TOMOROW IS SUNNY AND BRIGHT, AND I CAN GO OUTSIDE, AND BASK IN THE SUN.  AND AT LEAST, IF NOTHING ELSE, BE A PART OF NATURE. PLEASE VISIT MY OTHER JOURNAL. IT IS CALLED  "WIVES OF PRISONERS..AND OTHER LOVED ONES" http://journals.aol.com/crystalmoon222/wivesofprisonersandotherlovedones/

3 comments:

p00kie2323 said...

we all ask why so many times in life but there always seem to be a reason for everything whether we grow stronger through it or what there is always a reason jus know it is in gods plan for us whether we know why or not i will keep u in my prayers for u to see your answers love ya

bigirluv said...

Hi, i just finished school myself to become a cna (for now).  I took my clinicals in a nursing home.  My heart goes out to people who can't do for themselves or are just thrown away.  How did you ever manage.  I think i may be too sensitive fo this job.  Heading over to your other journal now.

webbt2001 said...

Hello all life is very short and that's why you must make the best of it every day.  For me a nursing student working in the children hospital on the stem cell transplant unit I see a lot some good some bad but it helps me to cope with life better.  It's not fair what we go through having a love one in prison, however the good thing is that they still have life in them, we are still able to love one another and that is a blessing from God.  I feel like Maurice belongs to the state sometimes but then when I think long and hard he belongs to God then me.  They can keep his body locked up in prison, but his mind they will never have, his soul is off limits to the state/feds....  It's hard to live with this day to day your husband away from you but keep him locked up in your heart and never give the key away. You are such a strong person and Jimmy is very blessed to have a strong wife life you.  I would life Fran to send you and e-mail how would I go about doing that.  I feel like you may be on some encouragement to me during this hard time in my life.  I enjoy reading your journal it helps me get through every day thank you for sharing your life...