Saturday, September 18, 2004

LIFE WITHOUT A HUSBAND

LIFE WITHOUT A HUSBAND IS DIFFICULT......YOU ARE MARRIED, AND YET  YOU DON'T HAVE A HUSBAND.....THERE IS NOTHING HE CAN DO IF YOU NEED HIM...HE IS LOCKED AWAY IN A PLACE, WHERE IT IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO HELP YOU.....IT IS A VERY TERRIBLE SITUATION, AND ONLY THOSE WOMEN WHEO ARE GOING THROUGH IT, CAN REALLY UNDERSTAND.....WHERE IS OUR PLACE IN LIFE?....IT IS ACTUALLY NO WHERE....WE ARE NO ONE AND NOTHING...EVEN IF HIS WIFE DIES, A HUSBAND IS NOT ALLOWED OUT OF THE PRISON TO SEE HER.....HE IS HELPLESS IN ALL SITUATIONS.....HE MAY BE THE STRONGEST MAN ON EARTH, BUT IN A SITUATION WHERE HE IS LOCKED UP, HE IS HELPLESS IN ALL SITUATIONS..............

AND SO, I SIT HERE, ALONE, AND FEELING DEPRESSED...BECAUSE JIMMY IS NOT HERE TO HELP ME THROUGH SOME VERY IMPORTANT SITUATIONS.....HE IS HELPLESS, AND I AM HELPLESS....

I HAVE WRITTEN THIS JOURNAL FOR 10 MONTHS...AND I AM STILL IN THE SAME SITUATION.  THOSE OF YOU WHJO ARE NOT IN MY SITUATION, HAVE GONE THROUGH LIFE IN A NORMAL WAY.....I HAVE NOT......YOU SEE, I LIVE IN A STATE OF "SUSPENDED ANIMATION."...I LIVE IN A PLACE THAT REALLY DOESN'T EXIST....SOMETHING LIKE CYBERSPACE......IT IS REALLY VERY STRANGE......I LIVE IN A DIMENSION OF TIME, THAT IS NOT THE REAL TIME AND PLACE THAT PEOPLE KNOW......I AM LIKE A SPIRIT....I LIVE IN BETWEEN THE FOLDS OF TIME.....THERE IS NO TIME FOR ME.......AND NO PLACE.....

AND EVEN THOUGH JIMMY HAS BEEN GONE FOR 18 MONTHS, I AM STILL IN THE SAME SPOT I WAS IN 18 MONTHS AGO.....I DO NOT PROGRESSS....I DO NOT CHANGE, AND I AM NOT PART OF THIS WORLD.......I KNOW IT MAY SEEM STRANGE, WHAT I AM SAYING, BUT ONLY THOSE PRISON WIVES GOING THROUGH THIS, WITH ME, WHO HAVE REMAINED FAITHFUL TO THEIR HUSBANDS, WITH LITTLE OR NO OUTSIDE SUPPORT, CAN TRULY UNDERSTAND......

I KNOW I AM SANE, BUT I HAVE MY SPURTS OF INSANITY, WHICH I TURN INWARD......RIGHT THIS MOMENT, I FEEL LIKE I AM NOTHING....NO ONE.....NO PLACE IN LIFE.....IT IS ALL SO SCARY.....THE ONLY CRIME I COMMITTED IS A FELL IN LOVE WITH A MAN...A MAN WHO HAD COMMITTED A CRIME BEFORE HE EVEN KNEW ME.....

AND HERE, WE ONCE AGAIN GO INTO AUTUMN.  AND ALL THE HOLIDAYS ARE ONCE AGAIN AT OUR DOORSTEP....AND THE WORLD WILL NOT LEAVE THE DEPRESSED PEOPLE ALONE......THOSE OF US WHO DO NOT WANTTO THINK ABOUT HOLIDAYS.......THE WORLD TORTURES US.....THOSE THAT WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE......I DO NOT PUT HOLIDAYS DOWN....I LOVE HOLIDAYS...THEY ARE WONDERFUL ....WE  NORMALLY CELEBRATE EACH AND EVERY ONE...WE EVEN HAVE A WHOLE ROOM OF STORAGE FOR CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS....BUT THERE IS A TIME AND PLACE FOR EVERYTHING....

AND SO, TODAY, I GO WITHIN MYSELF....THERE IS NO END TO THIS "PLACE IN TIME" CALLED PRISON.....I HOPE IT WILL ALL BE OVER SOON, SO WE CAN CONTINUE WITH LIFE.  YOU SEE, I'M JUST VERY TIRED OF NOT BEING PART OF LIFE....I AM ONE WHO NORMALLY LOVES LIFE...I USUALLY GO HERE, AND DO THIS.....BUT WITH A HUSBAND IN PRISON, EVERYTHING IN LIFE SEEMS USELESS...........AND SO FOR THE PAST 18 MONTHS, I REMAIN "SUSPENDED IN TIME," AND WILL DO SO, UNTIL HE IS RELEASED.

 

18 comments:

adlessor said...

  I am so sorry you are feeling so down lately.  You and Jimmy are coming to the end of this separation and you must remain strong.  

  You are wrong about not being changed during this situation.   You have learned the sorrow of being alone and missing your loved one.  These are tough lessons to learn, but have made you stronger.  You also have learned who your friends and family are that care about you,  another sad lesson.

 The holidays are the most difficult  time to get through, and in the worse case, it will be your last one alone.    Happiness and joy in the coming year.
Dawn                                    A Couple Nomads  

sugar1337 said...

Sorry to hear that you are in a depressed funk.  It is totally understandable, but it sounds like you could really use a support network.  Do they have groups for women that go through these sorts of things?  Just curious.  I hope that you still try to find a happy spot in your life through all of this.

swebb1989 said...

Fran, you need to be positive. At least Jimmy isn't doing a life sentence! he is getting out! There is a future and it is soon, be positive. Franny you have been crying to much latety girl and no one likes a sad sap, especially Jimmy! So put on your party dress and your lipstick cause the holidays are one the way! Celibrate that you have love cause there are a lot of people that are alone!

dakotarose2852 said...

Fran, Fran, Fran!  How I wish we lived closer.  I don't like to think of you being in this depressed state of mind.  My friend, you have come so far, so very far, and you have endured such pain and you have survived.  Your ordeal is almost over.  But you need someone to hold your hand through these down times.  I can't stand that you have family who have let you down and won't help you.  Please, hang on.  Hopefully once you've talked to Jimmy again, you'll get cheered up.  DO NOT let go, Fran!  
Susan  

lasvegasmale007 said...

HE SOUNDS like a bad person that did bad things. get out while you can. move on with your life. remember meeting people online is tricky. just because the sex is good means nothing. you are married to a convicted felon. GET OUT. get on with YOUR LIFE. fuck all that.

shermeen0621 said...

The thing about love is that you can't help who you fall for. But life for you is so hard already, perhaps you need to think about what's best for you in the long run. Jimmy won't be gone forever, but whilst you have it, you should use this time to make things easier for yourself. He's the one who committed the crime, I'm just sorry that you have to suffer for it too.
http://journals.aol.co.uk/shermeen0621/PublicThoughts/

mysticmomma78 said...

It sounds like you're losing faith. Don't lose faith. You've been supportive and VERY strong all this time, don't wane now. He needs you to be there for him like you have been. I can't and won't say that I understand what you're going through. I'm sure it's tougher than anything I can imagine. I will apologize for the world torturing you about the holidays, but our lives shouldn't be halted or sheltered for those that chose their life paths. I don't remember how long you said he was going to be in prison, but he'll get out and things will pick up right where they left off. Just think of your lack of progression as suspending time for him so that he's not lost when you meet again. Stay strong, have faith, and continue to live for yourself and Jimmy. Peace...

adlessor said...

Fran,,    Where are you?                         Dawn

shelibeal75 said...

wow i have to say, im loving getting a different view of inmates family. i work in a jail, and it really helps hearing how the familys of ppl on the inside deal, and it also helps me deal with those familys. everytime i talk to someone who has  a loved one in jail, i think of you, and it makes me just that much nicer, and better at my job. it also makes me a better person.
thanks,
shell

swebb1989 said...

Fran we miss you I hope that you are ok

grettysk said...

Does anyone here know how to get a hold of Fran?  If you do, please email me.  I sent an email to her DAYS ago, and she still hasn't even read it.  Maybe something happened to her computer...or something logical.  But I am afraid she is not Ok.  Even if you know how to get ahold of her, but don't want to tell ME, please call her and see if she is ok and let me know.  I would much appreciate it!!!  Thanks!!!  Gretchen

adlessor said...

I  also emailed her last week and as of today she has not  read it.   I am  worried as well.  She sounded depressed in this last entry.  I don't think that email from Vegas helped any.   If you hear anything , please let me know too.   Dawn              

dklars said...

Has anyone heard from Fran yet?  I'm not getting a very good feeling about the whole situation.
~~Kath~~

apriljoneslov said...

As I was sitting here tonite looking up info I ran across ur writing and began to read and couldn't stop.My husband has been in prison ,he was there only for 6mons but until u are there u don't understand .I see ur last entry was the 19th of sept that is my birthday :) I sat here looking to c if u had wrote latley but I c u haven't I hope u are well .I promise u things will get better god will see u through it all he is such a wonderful god I know we all feel sometimes that we are alone in this world but we are not if we just take the time to sit back and look up at the sky u will know ur not alone ever ,something I began to do when my husband was gone was when i was down and sad and so alone i would ask god to rap his hands around me and hold me and i would sing to him,I always felt better I have not always took the right road and neither has my husband and that is why when u stray from god u end up in bad things and bad places,my prays are with u and ur husband ,belive me when i say it will get better and don't ever let anyone steal ur joy or peace who cares what elesa they take but always keep ur joy,peace and  happiness  everything elesa can be replaced it really can !!! For ur family and his family who choose not to help u when they know u need this help b/c of ur felling eye sight well they will haft to answer for that every one one day will answer for everything hmmm... makes ya want to think twice about how u treat ppl and what u say and do huh??You will be such a stronger person by the time all this is over and u will hold ur head high and know that u did all this on ur own and no one or anything can bring u down .

visionarydiva1 said...

You are correct when you say that a person who is not a wife faithful to a husband in prison can understand. I helped my cousins (who is prison) wife the 10 years he was in and although I missed him so much I couldn't ever proclaim to know the real pain that you all have experienced and continue to experience. For a long time she wouldn't bathe herself so I did everything for her. Late at night I could hear her in her room crying and screaming so loud from the pain of a missing husband. All that I can say is please keep your head up. I watched her slowly try to kill herself. On one occasion she actually did try to attempt suicide. She is doing much better now. We don't know when my cousin will be released. He went back and forth to jail for so long they threw the book at him this time. But we remain prayerful and try to keep her spirits up. If you ever need someone to talk to let me know I am here. http://journals.aol.com/visionarydiva1/avisionarydiva/
or http://journals.aol.com/visionarydiva1/abookclubforjlanders/

I hope you are well and I will keep you and Jimmy in my prayers.

Amy

grettysk said...

As of today, Fran has still not read my email.  This cannot be good.  As I sit here and think of people that I care about online, I just realized how tragic it would be to lose someone you only know online.  I don't know any other way to get in touch with Fran, but here.  If something were to happen, I would never ever know.  I can only hope it is something like her computer crashed, etc.  I hope that is the answer.  Of course, I am thinking the worst.  Shame on me for that.  I pray for the best.  I hope she knows how much we have all grown to care about her and her life and how much she has helped others.  Please Fran....be OK....come back to us.  My prayers are with her and her husband both.  And always will be, whether I never see or hear from her again. :(    We love you, Fran.  Gretchen xoxoxo

ieisahhd said...

Life with my husband is very hard. We was only married for two months before he went to prison and i was one month pregnant when he left , it was hard to go throuh my pregnacy with out him ,he has been in prison for about 18 months now  and my son looks so much like my husband its hard i don't go anywhere do anything i barely write him because i am so mad that he is gone and i have to do this alone. i know he needs me right now but i need him too and so does our son i feel like my life is standing still , i am usually a happy person and out going but not anymore i feel so depressed i don't know what to do. I know exactly how you feel life will stand still until he is home with his family.

oceancna said...

I truely understand how you feel.  I was only 18 years old when I met a man in prison.  I feel inlove and married him in prison.  We lived a life as a married couple in prison for 17 years.  I have 2 children who I raised alone from my husband.  I've done if faithfully.  It is true it takes a very strong woman to live the live we have lived.  And once again he made a bad choice and is paying the price of 7 more years.  Life has stopped once again.  It's hard to say that we will go on without them but you truely can't.  But out of all this I've learned that I can survive being alone, and that with faith and devotion and a true commitment you can over come the hardship that the prison system has applied to our lives.