Monday, November 1, 2004

IT'S ME....

Hello, it's me!...........I'm still here, and would like to thank you all for your worries,and concerns about me.....the  many e-mails you sent....Gretchen, thank you so much for loving me....and also Dakota Rose and Adlessor, amongst all the others....You were all in my thoughts, and I never forgot for one minute about all of you, or this journal, but I was in a place where I could not reach you.....I'lll try to explain.........................

It's so good to be alive, and using this computer once again!

......""Even though I walk in the dark valley, I fear no evil. For You are at my side, with your rod and your staff that give me courage.".....(23rd psalm)

  ..............Yes, I walked in the dark valley....for the past 6 weeks I have been in the hospital, and nearly died, to put it bluntly.....I am at home now, and still very weak, amongst other things....

.....In retrospect, it is all like a bad dream......I almost don't realize that 6 weeks really passed by......I was a different person, I was not me......

And so, I'll tell you what happened..........It was all very sudden....It started with a toe that turned black and blue...I went to the ER and was admitted ....It turned gangene.....I went into toxic shock...I was septic....the infection was Staph....Mrsa....it quickly spread to my entire body.....I ran high fevers of 102 qnd 103, that never broke for 3 weeks or more....I was constantly shivering, like a leaf....I was given massive doses of antibiotics ( Vancomycin twice a day and another antibiotic).....nothing would break the fever, and it was at that point, I knew I was doomed.....the infection was taking me over.....I imagined myself as a wet cat in the bed....scrawny and sweating and tremoring and crying and not making sense...I imagined the hospital bed was a big ride twirling me around in the room up by the ceiling....And I would cry and not make sense.....I was crying for all the sadness in the world...and I was moaning continuosly with pain, not only in the foot, but all over my body with severe headaches.....and the thermometer they stiuck in my ear was a bee, as they monitored me day and night.....I had 8 specialist Doctors taking care of me.....My hemaglobin fell to around 8....I was very anemic and dehydrated.....They ran in IV fluids of Normal Saline at 150 cc/hr...........My legs had swollen up to 3 times their normal size.....the left foot with gangrene was swollen and very painful, as I was given IV Morphine for the pain.......And then the Vascular Doctor operated and not only amputated my 4th toe on my left foot, but removed a hugh abcess.....The size of rhe open wound was 9.5 cm long and 2.5 cm deep..it was, and still is deep, although healing....It was a large crator that literally split my foot in half.........After the surgery, and until this day, I have taken no pain medicine.....the foot has to be soaked and packed everyday, and I am doing that myself, now.

Well, the worst was not over!....Because I was on such heavy doses of antibiotics for around 1 month, the antibiotics stripped my immune system.....my hemaglobin kept falling, and I once again had to be transfused with 2 units packed cells.....even after the transfusion, it was still low.....so now, I am being given special shots every few days, for 3 times which will encourage my bone marrow to produce ...I am also on vitamins, iron, high doses of b vitamins, and protein supplements.....I was very depleted, and my lytes were way off balance....I have been told by the doctor to eat red meat and chicken, and I should not follow a strict vegatarian diet....He said, "eat a steak every now and then!".........My blood count will be followed, and if I continue with the anemia, they will do further tests to rule out a blood disorder.

I was a mystery to my Doctors, as in 4 weeks , I gained 40 lbs while in the hospital.....and the weight gain was all beneath my waist......I receiced physical therapy to learn to walk again, but even 10 steps was too much, as I became short of breath with any movement.....I was put on oxygen, for a low pulse ox..and breathing treatments.....and finally lasix, and that was the biggest releif for me......I came home last Thursday, and am no longer sob, can walk, and feel so much better because I have lost 28 lbs. of the 40 I gained , in a matter of days....it was all water gain...a tremendous amount........

...I will tell you more, if you want to hear it. Just let me know....it is all very scary, and I have been a nurse in hospitals for 28 years.....I have seen just about everything, and I sure did not like what I felt being on the side of the patient........Basically, I felt the Life Force going out of me, and I could not fight back at that point, when the infection was taking over......I really knew it was just about the end for me......

And all the time, Jimmy was with me.........in spirit and soul, and yes, the telephone..........I had enough sense about me to call forward my calls from home to the hospital roo, so Jimmy was calling me all the time....I was crying and emotional just about all the time......One day, I cried into the phone to "COME  HERE RIGHT AWAY, AND TAKE ME HOME.....PLEASE JIMMY, I WANT TO GO HOME....DON'T LET THEM KEEP ME HERE....PLEASEEEE, DRIVE THE CAR UP TO THE FRONT, AND I'LL WALK OUT THE DOOR, AND YOU CAN DRIVE ME HOME."....That day, I was gasping for breath, and not myself, in almost a confused state of mind.......I made Jimmy cry that day, and I'll never forget it....He softly cried back into the phone, "please Fran, I want to come there more than anything to take you home...please, you have to stay there..."......."I DON'T WANT TO STAY IN THIS PRISON," I was crying...... 

 

 

11 comments:

adlessor said...

Oh Fran,  Welcome back home.   You have been missed so much.  Several of us have been emailing each other to see if anyone had heard from you.  And of course, we were all very worried.  Our prayers for you have been answered and you are home safe.      Dawn

dklars said...

Glad to see you are back, Fran.  Hope your health improves quickly.  It's hard being a patient, isn't it, after being the nurse for so long!  I'd love to hear the rest of the story!

~~Kath~~
http://journals.aol.com/dklars/SecretGarden

elgeiselman said...

My prayers have been answered and you are well.  Something in my spirit told me to pray for you last week!  Continuing to pray you through this illness,
~Erin

grettysk said...

OH FRAN FRAN FRAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  When I clicked on your home page, which I do about twice a day to check in....and saw you had written...I SWEAR TO GOD....my heart started beating SOOOOOOOOOO fast and I just started WEEPING!!!!!!!!!!!  I can't believe it!!  I just KNEW SOMETHING HAPPENED!!! :(   Like Erin, I felt that I should pray SOOOOOOOO hard for you....and I have ....it's hard to believe how attached and close you can get to someone here.....JUST KNOW THAT YOU ARE SO LOVED, LITTLE MISSY!!!!!

WOW....I also can't believe all you have been through, you poor baby!!!!  GEEZ.  I will continue to pray and pray and I just know that you will be more strong and more healthy than EVER!!!!  I will continue to pray for Jimmy, too....you can count on me for that!!! Ok???!!!!???

I am SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW!!  Sighhhhhhhh.  Thank you for coming back to us, all of your FANS!!! hee hee

You keep resting and take care.  I sure bet your furry babies at home missed ya!!!  I hope they are ok, too.

Well...I will let you rest and just remember how much you are loved and how many lives you have touched and continue to touch....EVEN WHEN YOU ARE IN THE HOSPITAL!! ( see recent comments from new readers )

Love, Gretchen xo

sugar1337 said...

Oh I am so sorry that you have been through so much lately.  What caused your toe to get all infected to begin with.  I am glad that it sounds like you will make a good recovery.  I hope you are allowed plenty of rest and get back to your old self soon.

swebb1989 said...

Fran,

Dammit girl I was emailing all kinds of people about you. You got to realize that you got people that are thinking of you out there. Anyway glad to here you are back!

janetj718 said...

Hi - I ran across your entry when I searched "husband prison" - my husband has been in for 5 years now - hopeful parole in December, max out in April 2005.  So, I do know where you're coming from.......I was terribly saddened to hear about all your physical problems, but encouraged that you were on your way to recovery.  I hope that continues.  Anyway, I just wanted to reach out and let you know that you're definately not the only one out there in 'suspended motion' or 'freeze frame' as I like to call it.  I know I feel like the only one a lot of the time.  Good luck to you and yours and God bless...........Janetj718@aol.com

skingjeffcoat said...

Thank God you are okay.  I've been reading your journal for a while now, and like so many others, I was worried and praying for you.  Still praying for a complete recovery, and a happy reunion with Jimmy soon.

Best Wishes,
Sheila

wfhbear said...

I am happy to hear that you are on the mend. I am sorry for your terrible illness. Libby and I will pray for your full recovery. My Regards, Bill.

eliazinyrachel said...

Hi!!   I have never posted before, but I found your site a month or two ago after I found my self too a Prisoner's Wife.  I wanted to tell you I am thankful to have found your site. I can relate to your words, your phone bill, and your pain/lonliness.  I was worried too when I saw the posts inquiring where you could be.  I am glad that you are home again and better than you have been these last weeks.  How scary that all must have been for you especially being a nurse and knowing the outcomes.  My thoughts and prayers are with you and your Jimmy.  Hoping he comes home to you soon and that you spend the rest of the years in happiness.  

Rachel Moreno

smi1ewhnusaythat said...

Hello....... I am so glad you are doing better.  This is the first time I have been to this site.  I am looking for a place where I can talk to women in my situation, my husband is in prison also.  He will be coming home soon, after 4 years away.  We were married in jail, before he went away.  Maybe some of you ladies can help me, give me support and I will try and do the same for you.   I have so many things going through my head, specially now that he will be home soon.  We are down to about 8 weeks before he is home.  I have been strong, but as the time draws near, the fears of what life will be like.  Will I still be strong?  Or will I give in to them?  I need someone to talk to.  Crystalmoon you are one strong lady, you will make it.
Love,
Smi1ewhnusaythat@aol.com