Friday, November 26, 2004

"it's yesterday once more"

I SAW JIMMY YESTERDAY, ON THANKSGIVING DAY....IT WAS ALL TOO WONDERFUL, AND TOO SHORT........I ONCE AGAIN FEEL SAD TODAY.....I JUST CAN'T HELP IT.....THERE IS LIKE A HOLE IN MY HEART, THAT I CAN'T FILL...............A VOID.

WE SPOKE MORE THAN ANYTHING TODAY ON THE PHONE....MISSING EACH OTHER MORE THAN EVER..................IT IS VERY HARD TO SIT IN A ROOM FILLED WITH LOTS OF OTHER PEOPLE AND CHILDREN.....EVERYONE TALKING AND NOISY....AND SIT NEXT TO THE MAN YOU LOVE, TALKING, KISSING, HOLDING YOU IN HIS ARMS.....EVERYTHING ALL IN ONE.............WITH EVERYONE WATCHING YOU..........NO PRIVACY...........LIFE IS VERY UNFAIR................

AND YET, WE BOTH AGREED, THAT WE WERE MARRIED AND KNEW EACH OTHER BEFORE WE EVER MET...................IN OTHER WORDS, WE ARE SOULMATES, FOR LACK OF A BETTER WORD..............WE ALWAYS KNEW ONE ANOTHER....................IN THIS LIFE, AND IN OTHER LIVES.....IN THIS DIMENSION, AND IN OTHER DIMENSIONS........IN THIS WORLD, AND IN OTHER WORLDS............I AM JIMMY'S OTHER HALF, AND HE IS MINE..............................

AND SO, YESTERDAY, WE EXCHANGED WRISTWATCHES...........HE GAVE ME HIS WATCH, THAT HE HAD BOUGHT 18 MONTHS AGO, AT BAYSIDE PRISON...........HE SAID IT IS FULL OF HIS ENERGY, AND HE WANTS ME TO WEAR IT, TO FEEL HIS ENERGY.............AND I GAVE HIM MY WATCH, WHICH IS ACTUALLY A MAN'S WATCH, WITH AN IRRADESCENT BLUE FACE.  HE IS WEARING IT NOW, AND CONTINUOSLY, FEELING ME NEAR HIM.

IT'S FUNNY, BUT AS THE TIME DRAWS NEAR, IT REALLY GETS HARDER.....IT' 'S HARD TO EXPLAIN..............WE NOW ANXIOSLY AWAIT NEXT WEEK, AND MAYBE IT WILL TURN INTO SEVERAL WEEKS........ONE NEVER KNOWS.........TO BE CALLED IN FRONT OF THE PAROLE BOARD.

I WILL GO NOW, SO I CAN LAY DOWN AND THINK OF JIMMY, AS HE THINKS OF ME AT THIS TIME..............

IT IS ALL VERY PAINFUL....VERY DIFFICULT TO EXPLAIN.........

SOMETIMES I'M NOT EVEN SURE WHO I AM ANYMORE........BUT WHEN I EXPLAIN THIS TO JIMMY, HE COMFORTS ME, AND I BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND MYSELF BETTER............HE ACTUALLY EXPLAINS TO ME WHO I AM, AND WHY I THINK THE THOUGHTS THAT I DO......

IN REALITY, I NEEDED THIS PHASE IN MY LIFE.  I ALWAYS LIVED A VERY DIFFERENT SORT OF LIFE FROM THE NORM..............I DID THINGS IN MY LIFE THAT PEOPLE ONLY DREAM OF.........I TRAVELED THE WORLD OVER TO 28 COUNTRIES......ETC., ETC...............MY LIFE WAS ALWAYS EXCITING AND UNUSUAL.................AND NOW, HAVING A HUSBAND IN PRISON, WELL THAT IS ALL PART OF IT........................................IN IT'S OWN WAY, IT IS ALL VERY EXCITING TO ME..............HOWEVER, NOW IT IS TIME FOR HIM TO COME HOME, AND START LIVING LIFE AGAIN............TO CREATE MORE  EXCITING THINGS IN OUR LIFE.................JIMMY SAYS IT IS BECAUSE I AM A CREATIVE PERSON..........AN ARTIST..........I LOVE TO WRITE, AND SING.....................AND YES IT'S TRUE, I CAN FUNCTION AS A CREATIVE PERSON, AND YET I AM RATIONAL TOO.....AND I THINK THAT'S WHAT JIMMY LIKES ABOUT ME................HE IS THE SAME WAY.............HIS BRAIN FUNTIONS ON THE RATIONAL LEVEL, AND THE CREATIVE LEVEL...............WE ARE TWO OF A KIND...........

............SO NOW, TO OCCUPY MY MIND, AND FORGET THE PRESENT MOMENT OF STILL BEING ALONE, WITHOUT THE MAN I LOVE. I AM TRYING TO FOCUS MY THOUGHTS ON CHRISTMAS DAY...........JIMMY WANTS ME TO COME TO VISIT HIM THAT DAY, AND HIS FRIEND AGREED TO DRIVE ME THERE!...........IN MY HEAD, I AM PLANNING WHAT FOOD TO BRING.............I'LL MAKE LASAGNA (jimmy's favorite, and he requested it), BAKED CHICKEN THIGHS WITH POTATOES, ANTIPASTO , ITALIAN BREAD AND FRESH GRATED CHEESE...........MAYBE SOME SAUSAGE.........GENOA SALAMI ESPECIALLY FOR JIMMY.............AND SOME SORT OF CHRISTMAS CAKE OR PASTRY FOR DESERT...........................SO NOW, I SET MY MIND ON THIS, AND THEN LIFE BECOMES EASIER............

GOOD-NIGHT EVERYONE!...........I HOPE ALL THE PRISON WIVES AND LOVED ONES OF PRISONERS HAD A NICE THANKSGIVING..............

LOVE, FRAN

4 comments:

adlessor said...

Hey Fran,   I'm so happy that you were able to spend time with Jimmy on Thanksgiving.    Hang in there and stay strong.
The worst is over.                        Dawn

swebb1989 said...

Hey Fran good to hear that you had a nice thanksgiving. Stay strong grlfriend and remember something "your thoughts are still your own and you still own them!"

leesawolf1 said...

i have feelings like you. told him one day i can't do this anymore. like you though i have no choice he is my soulmate and my future. Mine is in prison for another 19 months then maybe he can come home. they can hold him for another 15 years if THEY want to. Michigan is very unfair with the parole system. keep your fingers crossed that he is out in less then 2 years. i will keep you in my prayers

sugar1337 said...

It sounds like you two were made for each other.  :)  I am glad you got to spend time with him for thanksgiving.