Saturday, August 28, 2004

My Thoughts

It's a hot , sunny Saturday, here in South Jersey.  I'm just "here," relaxing , thinking of Jimmy.....I should be there , with him, today, but i just haven't had the courage to make the 1 1/2 journey, there, through the Parkway and Turn Pike.....15 years ago, or so, I drove up and down those highways, like it was nothing....I lived in Manhattan, and would drive down to the Jersey shore, whenever I wanted....it was nothing for me to drive it...day or night.....and now, it saddens me, I just can't do it......Not only is the road a problem....it's the toll booths, and being able to read the signs as to where to go...which booth,etc............oh, you all just don't know....it's just terrible.......................The literature says it takes a person around 1 year to "adjust" to eyesight loss......Well I'm past that year...........it's been 2 years........  I had been married to Jimmy exactly one year, when I lost my eyesight....I simply went to work, and couldn't see...I couldn't read my assignment.  As I bent down over the table, to read my assignment, with my eye 1 inch from the paper, the room of nurses, my co-workers, stopped talking , and asked me what was wrong....I said, "I don't know, I just can't see."...and it was all downhill after that...until they finally confirmed I was legally blind, after having laser surgery on my eyes several times....I not only had Retinopathy, but in my right eye, the macula was damaged...You may know that the macula is the central line of vision...without the macula, you can just forget it..you can't read and see distortion.........so, what I see in my right eye, is all distortion....everything is small and twisted...lines are all distorted and bent...if I look at a person, with only that eye, the person's head looks like a monster...totally distorted and scary...I think a lot of my vision today, is based on my memory....I remember things as they were.....I can read, and use this computer, because the screen is very big, with x-large print.....I read only with my left eye....I must keep my right eye closed, or else it will distort it...And my left eye must be around 1 inch from the page....it is tiring, and takes me a longer time to read...And yet, I refuse to quit....I read more now, than ever....magazines, I especially love, due to the color pix, and large print,etc....books, I just really scan through them, and the print is just too small, x-cept if it is x-large print.........reading the computer is best and easiest for me....It is all just an adjustment....I now believe, after 2 years of being "legally blind, " that I really don't have anything wrong with my eyes....I am just like everyone else, only I must try harder with my eyes....I make jokes about it....I make people laugh about it in public.....it is just a wonderful challenge God has given me, that's all..................And best of all, I can see Jimmy's face and eyes perfectly well!........................................................

  Jimmy made our whole house 'blind-proof!"........He does everything for me, my wonderful husband....I feel best in my home, because I feel "SAFE" here...........I don't have to struggle, because I know where everything is...The lighting is just so, so I can see and read under it.....I have a big, protective dog, who barks at people, so I am protected...I can drive to the stores, which are nearby, because I've memorized the way......Before Jimmy left, he made sure I had memorized the way to several places......Before he left, Jimmy stocked the house with enough food and supplies, and pet food, that I could last almost forever on it.....the food really never ran out for over 6-8 months later.....and I still have some supplies and canned goods left over......my husband is just a very wonderful man, what more can I say?!...........

  Jimmy bought me the large computer screen before he left (although we have a wonderful Dell Laptop, too)...Then he bought a large-screen tv...he hooked up stereo, dvd, vcr, karaoke ,headphones, everything ,is all hooked up....I sing and record myself...our speaker system is the best...it is like a recording studio, here!...Since I lost part of my eyesight, I love to sing, and to listen to music....When I listen to the music, I can hear each individual instrument played...I become one with the misic and beat...Music and singing has become my friend since Jimmy left.....I don't care who likes my singing and moving to the beat....it is something no one can take away.....I don't have to be part of the world, I belong to music, (however, I belong to my husband, first)......You see, if I were a criminal, and locked up in prison, they could never take away the songs in my head...that is for me to always keep.................

  All I really want today, is to be in his arms, with him kissing me........He desires Chinese Food..........After 18 months , he has not had any restaurant food............And I'm a failure...because I can't bring it to him.....won ton soup...eggdrop soup, and egg foo young, pork....that's what he wants....Oh God...I can't stand him desiring food.....I just can't stand it.................This is a man who not only loves food, but loves taking me out to restaurants.....Fot him, it's a whole "experience.".  When we go to a restaurant, it startrts from the car.........He drives, then he comes around and opens my door....he helps me out.....he kisses and hugs me...holds my hand a we walk...........he opens the restaurant door.....takes my chair and seats me.....then takes my hand, across the table, and gazes in my eyes....he tells me how beautiful I am....then we look at the menu, and order.....We have a favorite Chinese Restaurant here.....We barely order, for the waitress already knows what we want!..............And it's so romantic for us......When iI think about sitting there with Jimmy, in the days before his inprisonment, I just can't stand it............I sat there, in love with my husband, knowing the date he would have to leave me..............let me tell you, inside of me, I just couldn';t stand it.....It was eating me away....I was scared....I could not live alone without Jimmy...............I couldn't handle it......but I always acted calm, and pretended that nothing was amiss...I was a woman in love.......I couldn't see the future....the present moment was all that I saw.....to have a wonderful romantic meal. and then go home and be made love to by this wonderful man..............and make love to me he did..........over and over, throughout the day,,,,,,,,each and every day..........to lay in his arms, and gaze into one anothrs eyes..........to be unaware of anything....nothing existed, only our love for each other......We were, and I believe we still are , in the "STATE OF INFATUATION."..............That is why people were always kind of jealous of us, and our love...they couldn't figure us out...............we were not teenagers...........literature says, the stage of infatuation lasts 3-6 months...........when Jimmy walked out of this door, on his way to jail, we were married 2 years, and still infatuated with each other....and now, 3 years 4 months into our marriage, being seperated 18 months of that time, we are still infatuated, but we have entered the third stage, which is a cementing of the relationship.......

.......In the time before he went to prison, we never really talked about him going to prison...He was making plans for me.....he knew what it was all about......well, maybe we did(talk) but we never dwelled on it...Jimmy was always protecting me from "the prison system.".....

  And so, today I'm here, once again, emotional and crying...Jimmy says it won't be long now, but I just can't help it......................my husband was taken away from me when we were both in a state of infatuation..........and it's unfair.............I guess I never explained it to you all that way...............

  Jimmy will call soon, and I'll bring Prince out, and try to enjoy the nice day......

1 comment:

adlessor said...

I feel badly that you could not get to visit with Jimmy today.  Just hold on a little longer and he will move through the system , first by being able to come home for weekends and next out completly.  Before you know it you will be packing up to return to Vegas.   Stay focused.   The best is yet to come.          Dawn