"OUR FIRST VISIT"

............AND HERE I WRITE ABOUT THE FIRST ACTUAL VISIT WITH MY HUSBAND, AT TALBOT HALL........AFTER ONE YEAR , I ACTUALLY WAS WITH HIM, LAST TUESDAY EVENING.......16 MONTHS AGO, HE LEFT OUR HOUSE, ON THAT FATEFUL SUNNY MORNING, FRIDAY,MARCH 28, 2003, AS HE WENT TO COURT TO TURN HIMSELF IN TO JAIL.....WE KISSED AT THE DOOR, I LEANED FORWARD INTO HIS CHEST, AND FELT LIKE I WAS IN ANOTHER WORLD....I REMEMBER SAYING "THIS IS SURREAL. I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING."  I HAD DISASSOCIATED MYSELF SO MUCH AT THAT TIME, I FELT LIKE I WAS IN ANOTHER DIMENSION OF TIME........I WAS NOT ALIVE, AND I DEFINETLY WAS NOT IN THIS REALM...I KNEW AND REALIZED THAT I HAD A HEART THAT BEAT, BLOOD THAT CIRCULATED THROUGH MY BODY, AND A BRAIN THAT WAS ALIVE IN MY HEAD, BUT BEYOND THAT, I WAS ACTUALLY DEAD.  IT IS A SCARY THING TO BE ALIVE AND DEAD AT THE SAME TIME..........I KNOW I WAS IN ONE BIG CONTINUAL OUT-OF BODY-EXPERIENCE, THAT LASTED FOR MONTHS...I WOULD SEE MYSELF, AS IF FROM A DISTANCE, BUT I COULD NEVER CONNECT WITH MYSELF.  ONE PERSONNA WITHIN ME, AT ONE POINT IN TIME TOOK OVER, AND TOLD ME IF I WERE TO SURVIVE THIS PERIOD OF TIME, I WOULD HAVE TO TAKE OVER MY BODY AND MIND, AND TAKE CONTROL, BECAUSE THERE WAS NO ONE TO HELP ME ANYMORE, BUT ME, MYSELF.  SO ANOTHER PERSONNA EMERGED.  I STARTED ORGANIZING EVERYTHING IN THE HOUSE AND IN LIFE...MY LIFE BECAME AN IMPORTANT SUCCESSION OF ORGANIZING PAPERS, RECEIPTS....TODAY, I HAVE AROUND 50 FOLDERS HERE, WITH EVERTHING ORGANIZED...I BECAME OBSESSED WITH ORGANIZATION AND MAKING LISTS, AND GETTING THINGS DONE...I MADE MYSELF SO BUSY WITH ORGANIZING AND GETTING THINGS DONE PROPERLY, AND ON TIME, THAT I HARDLY HAD A MOMENT TO MYSELF...EVERYDAY I SET A GOAL, AND A TASK I HAD TO ACCOMPLISH...TRUTHFULLY, I WAS VERY HARD ON MYSELF!.......AND I BECAME IN CONTROL OF MY HOUSE, MY LIFE, AND ME...IN THE PROCESS, I EVEN LOST 80 LBS.......I BECAME COMPULSIVE.........THAT WAS MY ONLY WAY OF GETTING THROUGH THIS!...................................................... AT THE MOMENT THAT JIMMY LEFT THE HOUSE FOR JAIL, LIFE STOOD STILL FOR ME........I SPENT MY NEXT DAYS ,WEEKS AND MONTHS, ALONE, STARING BLANKLY AT THE 4 WALLS, AS I TOLD YOU ABOUT IT IN PREVIOUS JOURNAL ENTRIES.  I SOMEHOW GOT MYSELF TOGETHER SLOWLY AND MOVED ON.........IT'S SCARY, BECAUSE EVERYBODY HAS BAD EPISODES IN LIFE, BUT UNLESS YOU ARE ACTUALLY PART OF IT, IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING.....IN REALITY, THERE IS NOTHING THAT ANYONE COULDHAVE SAID OR REALLY DONE FOR ME TO HELP ME....THE BOTTOM LINE WAS THAT I LOVED MY HUSBAND SO MUCH, I DIDN'T WANT HIM TO LEAVE ME........AND THAT WAS THAT.........YOU MAY SAY, "TRY TO BE AN INDEPENDENT WOMAN, FRAN."    INDEPENDENT?......I'VE BEEN THAT MY WHOLE LIFE!...........CAREER WOMAN, PROFESSIONAL, COLLAGE,  GRADUATE SCHOOL....WORLD TRAVELER...28 COUNTRIES, EXOTIC VACATIONS......WELL-VERSED IN CULTURES...A "NEW-YORKER."........A SOUTHERN CALIFORNIAN.....PART OF THE SOUTHWEST DESERT...FILLED WITH THE SOUTHWEST SPIRIT......."BEEN THERE, DONE THAT!".......WHAT I REALLY WANTED NOW, WAS TO
BE JIMMY'S WIFE........TO BE CALLED MRS. JIMMY................AND SO, THE MOMENTS AND SECONDS TURNED INTO MINUTES, THEN INTO HOURS, INTO DAYS , INTO WEEKS, AND MONTHS...FINALLY THE HOLIDAYS CAME AND WENT, THE SEASONS PASSED.....THE MONTHS TURNED INTO YEARS.......AND AFTER THE FIRST YEAR, I HAD TO GO  THROUGH IT ALL OVER AGAIN!.........................AND NOW, 1 YEAR AND 4 MONTHS  LATER,  HE IS OUT OF PRISON, INTO THE NEXT PHASE OF REHAB, AND LIFE AGAIN STARTS MOVING FORWARD FOR ME....FOR US....

I WOULD LIKE TO SAY, THROUGHOUT EVERYTHING, JIMMY AND I TURNED THIS PRISON EXPERIENCE INTO SOMETHING GOOD.  YOU SEE FOR JIMMY, HE IS A STRONG MAN, AND IT REALLY WASN'T A PROBLEM BEING IN PRISON...IT WAS A PROBLEM FOR ME, HOWEVER, TO HOLD OUR HOME AND ME AND JUST ABOUT  EVERYTHING TOGETHER...TO ME, JUST THE WORD "PRISON," IS A SHOCKING , DISGRACEFUL WORD.  NOW THAT I HAVE GONE THROUGH IT, IN RETROSPECT, IT REALLY ISN'T ALL THAT BAD.   MARTHA STEWART HAS THE IDEA.  SHE ACTUALLY STOLE MY IDEA.  I'VE BEEN SAYING IT SINCE JIMMY WENT AWAY.  THERE SHOULD BE A HANDBOOK ABOUT WHAT GOES ON IN THE PRISON SYSTEM FOR FAMILIES TO REFER TO, SO THEY CAN UNDERSTAND THE SYSTEM.  I HAVE BEEN FAMOUS FOR SAYING THIS.  WITHOUT SOME SORT OF HANDBOOK, HOW IS ONE TO KNOW AND UNDERSTAND THE RULES, REGULATIONS, AND JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING...THAT IS WHY I FEEL THE FAMILY IS ABUSED BY THE PRISON SYSTEM.  THEY DO NOT EXPLAIN ANYTHING TO THE FAMILY. I WILL DEFINETLY SUPPORT MARTHA STEWART'S HANDBOOK, AND WILL EVEN BECOME AN ADVOCATE FOR PRISON REFORM, FOR SOME SORT OF HELP OR SUPPORT FOR THE WIVES AND FAMILIES THAT ARE LEFT BEHIND.  OH YES, BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, AND I WILL ALWAYS SUPPORT THIS CAUSE .  MOST PEOPLE I TALK TO DO NOT . THEY SAY, "THE CRIMINAL COMMITTED HIS CRIME, WHY SHOULD THE SYSTEM HELP THE FAMILY?"  WHY?  BECAUSE I AM A HUMAN BEING AND CITIZAN OF AMERICA, THAT'S WHY.  AND IF YOU LOOK AT ME, HANDICAPPED AND LEGALLY BLIND, WITH ABSOLUTELY NO SUPPORT AROUND ME, WHAT EXACTLY AM I TO DO WHEN HUBBY GOES TO PRISON?  WHERE DO I TURN FOR HELP?  I STILL DON'T HAVE THE ANSWER. I FEEL VERY STRONGLY ABOUT THIS ISSUE, AND WILL FIGHT FOR IT.  THERE SHOULD BE SOME SORT OF SOCIAL WORKER NET WORK TO CHECK UP ON PRISON WIVES, TO SEE HOW THEY ARE COPING....TO SEE IF THEY ARE STILL ALIVE....DO THEY NEED SOME SORT OF HELP IN THE HOUSEHOLD...ARE THEY SICK.  ARE THEY DEAD OR ALIVE...........BUT NO, WE, PRISON WIVES ARE STILL THE OUTCASTS IN OUR SOCIETY, AND I'D LIKE TO SOMEHOW CHANGE THAT.

AS THE MONTHS ROLLED BY,  I WAS ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN.........TO SEE PEOPLE LAUGHING AND CELEBRATING, AND NOT BEING PART OF IT.  HOWEVER, WE BOTH DECIDED TO TURN IT INTO "GOOD."  JIMMY DID GOOD THINGS FOR THOSE HE MET IN PRISON...HE HELPED THEM, AND I HELPED THE WIVES, BY CALLING THEM WITH MESSAGES FROM THEIR LOVED ONES....JIMMY AND I BECAME PUBLISHED AUTHORS WHILE IN PRISON.  HE HAD A MAJOR STORY PUBLISHED IN "ANGELS ON EARTH MAGAZINE", APRIL 2003...HE WROTE IT, I TYPED IT AND SENT IT....I HAVE GOTTEN A LETTER TO THE EDITOR PUBLISHED ABOUT TREATMENT OF THE BLIND IN PUBLIC, AND A TRIBUTE TO NANCY AND RONALD REAGAN'S LOVE STORY PUBLISHED IN THE NEWSPAER, OF WHICH I HAVE SENT TO THE PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY IN SIMI VALLEY, TO BE PLACED THERE IN THE ARCHIVES.  I ALSO HAVE 3 SHORT STORIES COMING OUT IN AUGUST, SEPT. AND OCT. ISSUES OF MAGAZINES.  I ALSO HAVE 3 BOOKS CURRENTLY BEING WRITTEN AND WILL BE SENT FOR PUBLICATION WHEN JIMMY COMES HOME.  JIMMY ALSO HAS A BOOK HE IS WRITING........AND SO, AS THE SAYING GOES, "WE MADE LEMON-AIDE OUT OF LEMONS"..........THAT IS HOW JIMMY AND I ARE.........IN THE DEPTHS OF DESPAIR, (ESPECIALLY ME)........MY HUSBAND TOOK MY HAND, AND HELPED ME RISE ABOVE....BY FOCUSING ON BECOMING A WRITER, HE HELPED ME DO IT!

I WOULD LIKE TO THANK ALL THOSE THAT HAVE STOOD BY ME THROUGH THIS TRYING TIME OF MY LIFE.  ALL MY JOURNAL FRIENDS, THAT PULLED ME THROUGH IT ALL.....YOU BECAME MY SUPPORT GROUP....YOU BECAME MY FAMILY IN LIFE......THANK YOU OVER AND OVER AGAIN, FOR ALL THE SUPPORT YOU GAVE ME...I DON'T THINK I COULD HAVE MADE IT WITHOUT YOU ALL!........

I DON'T KNOW YOUR FACES, AND I DON'T KNOW YOU PERSONALLY, BUT YOU ARE ALL SO WONDERFUL.........YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE, AND JIMMY AND I ARE BLESSED TO BE PART OF YOU!

And so, "The Visit!"

....And so, I got to actually see and touch, and kiss, and hold, and hug and hold hands with , and be held in his arms.....and talk to, and laugh with, and cry with, and whisper sweet love things to, and smell his nice sweet man scent on him....and feel his strong arms ,and feel his strong muscles around me, holding me tightly....and our feet touched and our feet entertwined....and we sat face to face on chairs...and we stood and hugged...and his arms tight around me....and we kissed over and over again..and Jimmy actually counted the number of kisses.......and we ate food together.......and he fed me, as he likes to do........chicken wings and french fries......and he served me the food..........and afterwards, we gazed in each other eyes....he has very clear and brillant eyes...and when I look into his eyes, I see the depth of oceans...the vast universe....SONG PLAYING NOW:  "Here and now, I promise to love faithfully.....you're all I need.........your love is all that I need. When I look in your eyes,  all that I see, all that our love really needs.  And I need you more everyday.......Here and now, I promise to love faithfully, you're all I need........here and now, I vow to be one with thee.......your love is all that I need. Starting here, right now, I believe in your love, here and now, I promise to love faithfully."....(SONG CURRENTLY PLAYING ON RADIO, AS I TYPE THIS....BY LUTHER VANDROSS............and Jimmy showed my the back of his head that I like to look at.......and he massaged my hands and fingers........and I looked very closely into his eyes, like I like todo, and we stared into each others eyes.........what I saw, was a happy man with no negativities, no resentment of the world....only love, for me and the world.........I saw clear, intelligent eyes, purged of the past,and the past released from him, ready to start afresh again in the world..........a very happy man.......a handsome man.......that is my husband for you.....a very strong and determined man, and together with me, we can hold hands and fly above the world........and soar to extreme levels above the earth.......into the universe and beyond.........and so, we were brought together again, after 16 months...and it was like we never left one another........it was like I had seen him only yesterday..............oh!  I love my husband so!..........I know that I am A RARE SPECIMAN!.......to know that I am a married woman, and I actually love and  am "IN LOVE" with my husband....now tell me, aren't I a rare speciman in this world?!...............and the world watched, as we met again after such a long time.......!!!!!!

..............As the song goes, that I am listening to at this second as I write this..............."I'll make love to you,  as you want me to, and I'll hold you tight, baby all through the night..........I'll make love to you, like you want me to, ........and I will not let go,till you tell me to................"           PERFECT!...PERFECT SONG...PERFECT TIMING  (I think it's by the Backstreet Boys)

To be more explicit about the "visit,"  it was a 2 hour visit, 7p to 9p....Larry drove me in his sports car (I asked him to please put up the roof, as we were driving fast along the parkway and turnpike!..It takes 1 1/2 hours to get there.  Jimmy and I were actually only together for around 45 minutes.  We sat in the cafeteria, and had a nice meal of chicken wings, french fries, salad, ice cream.  Jimmy didn't eat, but he served me and fed me!  There were lots of wives there, along with children.  For the first hour, I sat with the wives in a room and watched a tape on tv about raising your children.  I love Talbot Hall!  It has a very nice feeling when you walk in there!...It seems filled with love and good energies.  There is a "spiritual" feeling there.  There is positive energy in the air!  It is filled with "healing."  You feel happy, as you enter the premises.  It is uplifting to be there!  I am so happy Jimmy is in such a place!  Jimmy enjoys going to all the programs everyday.  He attends around 8 each day.  He enjoys talking, listening, learning about others, and helping them too.  The programs are AA meetings and things like that.  I am so proud of my husband.  He sent me today his certificate that says he has completed his orientation process.  He works in the library, and on the allumni committee. He still calls me 3 times a day, but we are now with Verizon, and the calls are cheaper! (my bill might be $800, INSTEAD OF $1300/month...lol!).  I could not make it there this weekend, because it is too grey and raining all weekend.  I made him potato salad, and corn muffins, and would have brought along coldcuts, but I guess I have to eat it myself!  You see, being legally blind it is very difficult for me to drive there.  My eyes get so tired, I can barely keep them open.  The muscles surrounding my eyes get tired.  They get more blurry as the day goes on, and I always have debris floating around in front of my eyes.  On days it rains, it is really the worst, and I can't take a chance driving there.  I can see around 5 feet in front of me.  I have major trouble reading signs and exits, until I am on top of them.  So, my Jimmy gave me strict instructions to not come and see him this weekend.  Hopefully, next week-end will be sunny!!!!..............So, that's about it!..................That's my life!.......And. how's yours?!