Answer to dsreneau...Surprise! I was in your shoes!

Dear Dsreneau,

  I was going to write something else in my journal tonight, but after reading your comment, I knew that answering  you, is exactly what you need.  I hope that I can somewhat help you, in what I say, and maybe can help others, too.

  First , I would like to thank-you for reading my journal, and in sharing your thoughts, feelings and emotions with us.  It is a brave woman to do that.  It is not always easy to devulge our inner thoughts and life.

  What you talk about, is what I lived with....Crack...No, not Jimmy, but before I ever knew Jimmy, I lived with a man who was not only an alcoholic, but also a crack addict.....Let me explain....

 Despite everything,  he was a very good man..I lived with him for 28 years. Why?  Simply because he refused to marry me...He was a professor and taught in some of the best universities in our country. He was not a "street person," but he was a refined man.  He had a doctorate from Columbia University, and taught International Business....he was a highly intelligent man...you may say a scholar.  In our better years, we traveled round the world...vacation after vacation...country after country...28 countries in total...cruises...restaurants...we lived for many years in Manhattan........You name it, we did it all.  I was 20 years old and naive when we first were together...He was 35, and to me, a "man of the world!"  After all, he drank scotch on the rocks...Johnny Walker Black and Chevas Regal, and smoked Dunhill Cigarettes! ....something I was never exposed to in my disiplined Italian household, where I was not even allowed to go out with a girlfriend, no less a  "man"...Heaven forbid!.....And at the age of 19, I had already gone to college, and was a Registered Nurse, and had a full-time job and career.

  And so, he was an alcoholic. He re-habilatated in the late 1980's , and I was there by his side , every step of the way...I went to AA meetings, and did the whole program with him.  However, I was shocked when around 8 years later, when we lived in Las Vegas, I stumbled upon him drinking again...and this time, it was secretive drinking at home...and it was vodka, so I didn't smell it.   And now, I will fastforward, and go to the 1990's....Yes, I will devulge to you, and everyone...the biggest secret I ever held within me.....He was a crack addict..........No one knew....not his family or friends...and of course not his students....And as for me, I lived in a the biggest hell-hole that no one could ever imagine....He became violent...lost weight..he looked so "gaunt," people thought he had aids.....he was uncontrollable. ..violent....I didn't know what to do or where to go.  In the beginning, I begged him not to do this to himself and me...I pleaded, "you are too old to take drugs."  I was paying all the bills and rent.  And then, I bought a house, and had the mortgage to pay.  I had my nursing license to worry about. At that time, I was so stupid and naive, I didn't even know exactly what it was he was smoking...He would never tell me, and he kept me as far away from his "drug-life" as he could...I never saw him when he bought the stuff...I only knew when the phone calls came in, that the "stuff" was ready.  When I threatened the people on the phone, that I was going to report them to the cops, I was told to be quiet, or else I would have my brains shot out.  He said,  "stop it Fran, these people have guns and have been to prison many times.  For them to kill you is nothing for them .....And so, I remained quite.....And so the years passed and it got worse and worse........he looked different...he was wild...he threw heavy objects at my head, and one night threw a snowglobe at my face, that knocked out 2 teeth.  He would set fires continuosly....I was forever putting out fires.  I could not sleep with this maniac in the house....He just didn't know anymore what he was doing....and he still guzzled entire bottles of vodka, secretively.  His "secretive escapades" would start around 6pm , and last until he was laying on the floor knocked out.  He'd be downstairs in the kitchen, cooking....I was upstairs, resting....I would hear a big "boom." I'd run downstairs, and find him stone cold, laid out on the floor, in a stupor....I never saw the bottle, but later found lots of bottles empty....and the fire alarms in my house would go off continuosly, with me always putting out fires....And then, other nights, he would lock himself in the spare bedroom for 12 or 13 hours at a time...He would emerge at 8am....looking gaunt...twitching....He told me, "this is recreational,...all the guys do it."......and he never even told me what it was he was smoking.  And then, one day, a glass pipe, broken, rolled out from under the seat when I was driving.  I confronted him, angerly, but, like always, he had  a way of denying things...And as the years passed, I found broken glass pipes all over the house, with hundreds of lighters.......And I never told anybody, until I told Jimmy...and now I tell the world, right here...........right now..

  I lived an actual living hell...I was afraid for my life..I still remember the terrible, distinctive sweet smell of that stuff he smoked.

  I lived in fear, and told no one.  I went to work with a smile...No one knew....It reached a peak, in January 2001.  I wanted him to leave...I had the help of his friend, to convince him to leave....he did, in a confused state of mind, and went to California, to his family, who put him in Betty Ford Treatment Center....and I heard he rehabilated and is doing well. ...And so, he lost me ....I am happy he is doing well and rehabilatated.  I do not hate him, but I have a special place in my heart for him , for all the years we spent together, for the things we did, and the things I learned from him, depite his addictions.......

  He left Feb. 1, 2001, and I was blessed from above, to meet my husband, Jimmy, exactly 1 month later,  March 1, 2001....and then we married April 29, 2001............I have never been so happy in my life, being married to Jimmy, despite the fact that he had to serve his prison term....but now that it is almost all over, it doesn't even seem that bad anymore....It's just that I hated physically to stay away from Jimmy, whom I want to be with all the time.......You see, Jimmy "spoiled" me in the years we were married, and it was so hard for me not to have him with me.

  When we got married, Jimmy was the only one who understood what I had gone through...........he listened over and over again to the horrible stories, as I purged myself of the past....I had lived in total fear...a continuing nightmare...a home that turned into a "house of horrors" each and every night.  ....Every night, picking him up from the floor....making sure he was alive and breathing....coming home from work at 8am, and finding him buck-naked sitting under the kitchen table, in a daze....the list goes on and on......

  And so, if you may think my life is terrible now....well, no, it isn't!............Although Jimmy may be in prison (currently in rehab), believe it or not we have a wonderful life and marraige, and stay connected every moment of every day....Our love has only grown stronger everyday....Together we help people, and things are progressing along beautifully.  The reason Ireally write this journal, is to share my thoughts and life with people.  Hopefully to help them, somehow, to see they are not alone.  A prison wife exists in a special place in the world...she lives in an isolated bubble...totally for her husband.......she's like married, with no husband!...only phone and letters and visits.

  My advice  to you, or anyone in this situation with a crack addict, is to 'let them go."  Everyone has a choice to make and your daughter made the choice to take crack.  You can pray for her, as I will.  However, do me a favor and keep saying these 3 words...it will help you, as it helped me..........
PEACE, HARMONY, AND BALANCE,"  That is what you want for yourself at this time.  You want to put your life in order, starting today....You will have harmony and balance in your life....you will not drive yourself crazy with your daughter.  Start with yourself...try it for a few days....God will take care of your daughter, and guide her.  Yes, prison may be the best thing for her at this point.  In prison, she will be able to meet wonderful people who can guide her spiritually on the right paths of life.  So now, stop focusing your energy on your daughter....focus it on yourself, your life, your home..............and please write back and tell me how you are doing!..........I send my love and strength to you, and MAY GOD BLESS YOU.......And let us say a little prayer today, for all those who are addicted....that they may somehow see the "light," and be led onto the right "path"..........Please God,  help our fellow human beings, and give them the strength to find the "Way."..........FRAN

 

"A Few Interesting Prison Facts"

Here are a few interesting facts about our prison system:

1.  In 1982, it cost $9 billion to house inmates in local, state, and federal lockups......By 1999 the cost had risen to $49 billion...........................................Therefore, as our nation's prison population grows, so too does the cost of keeping millions of Americans behind bars.

2.  The American Bar Association is asking for an overhaul of mandatory minimum-sentencing laws.  The ABA report offers recommendations that could fix a problem that threatens to turn our democracy into a penal colony.

3.  Last month, ABA President Dennis Archer said: "For more than 20 years, we have gotten tougher on crime.  Now we need to get smarter ... The system is broken.  We need to fix it."

4. Next month, attorneys from around our nation will gather for the ABA'S annual meeting in Atlanta, and the body's House of Delegates will be asked to adopt recommendations that call for the repeal  of federal and state mandatory minimum- sentencing statutes.

5. Ross Alan Milburn, an inmate at the federal prison in Florence, Colorado, says "He's seen too many young men enter the prison with mandatory-minimum sentences, some of them drawing life without parole for non-violent drug crimes."............There is a big difference between the criminal mind of a mass murderer and the mind of a man who engages in and conducts an illegal business," said Milburn about non-violent drug dealers who get mandatory sentences.  "The criminal mind of a drug-dealer is not much different from that of a Wall Street Stockbroker ripping off his clients or a CEO ripping off his company.  But they never get sentenced to life with no parole," Milburn wrote.

6. Milburn says, "I just wanted to rend you that there are some drug dealers who admit their guilt and deserve harsh punishment, but sentencing them to the same time as people like Unabomber Ted Kaczynski, serial killer Gary Ridgeway, and mass-murderer Charles Manson, is unfair."

7. The nation's penal institutions have swelled with offenders who got "one-size fits all" sentences mandated by legislators, not the judges and juries that heard their cases.

8. It is time to rethink a policy that gives out long, mandatory prison sentences to non-violent criminals.

 

Thank you for reading this.  As you go about your daily life, you can thinkabout this.  I was never aware of so many things in the prison system.  In fact, I never really wanted to even think about the prison system....that is, until one day, I met and married a man who had committed a crime....a man, named Jimmy, my husband, whom I fell  in love with.  Then I realized how important it is to read about and to understand the prison system in our country and what is happening.  Thank you again, and please leave your comments......Fran

 

 

 

"OUR FIRST VISIT"

............AND HERE I WRITE ABOUT THE FIRST ACTUAL VISIT WITH MY HUSBAND, AT TALBOT HALL........AFTER ONE YEAR , I ACTUALLY WAS WITH HIM, LAST TUESDAY EVENING.......16 MONTHS AGO, HE LEFT OUR HOUSE, ON THAT FATEFUL SUNNY MORNING, FRIDAY,MARCH 28, 2003, AS HE WENT TO COURT TO TURN HIMSELF IN TO JAIL.....WE KISSED AT THE DOOR, I LEANED FORWARD INTO HIS CHEST, AND FELT LIKE I WAS IN ANOTHER WORLD....I REMEMBER SAYING "THIS IS SURREAL. I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING."  I HAD DISASSOCIATED MYSELF SO MUCH AT THAT TIME, I FELT LIKE I WAS IN ANOTHER DIMENSION OF TIME........I WAS NOT ALIVE, AND I DEFINETLY WAS NOT IN THIS REALM...I KNEW AND REALIZED THAT I HAD A HEART THAT BEAT, BLOOD THAT CIRCULATED THROUGH MY BODY, AND A BRAIN THAT WAS ALIVE IN MY HEAD, BUT BEYOND THAT, I WAS ACTUALLY DEAD.  IT IS A SCARY THING TO BE ALIVE AND DEAD AT THE SAME TIME..........I KNOW I WAS IN ONE BIG CONTINUAL OUT-OF BODY-EXPERIENCE, THAT LASTED FOR MONTHS...I WOULD SEE MYSELF, AS IF FROM A DISTANCE, BUT I COULD NEVER CONNECT WITH MYSELF.  ONE PERSONNA WITHIN ME, AT ONE POINT IN TIME TOOK OVER, AND TOLD ME IF I WERE TO SURVIVE THIS PERIOD OF TIME, I WOULD HAVE TO TAKE OVER MY BODY AND MIND, AND TAKE CONTROL, BECAUSE THERE WAS NO ONE TO HELP ME ANYMORE, BUT ME, MYSELF.  SO ANOTHER PERSONNA EMERGED.  I STARTED ORGANIZING EVERYTHING IN THE HOUSE AND IN LIFE...MY LIFE BECAME AN IMPORTANT SUCCESSION OF ORGANIZING PAPERS, RECEIPTS....TODAY, I HAVE AROUND 50 FOLDERS HERE, WITH EVERTHING ORGANIZED...I BECAME OBSESSED WITH ORGANIZATION AND MAKING LISTS, AND GETTING THINGS DONE...I MADE MYSELF SO BUSY WITH ORGANIZING AND GETTING THINGS DONE PROPERLY, AND ON TIME, THAT I HARDLY HAD A MOMENT TO MYSELF...EVERYDAY I SET A GOAL, AND A TASK I HAD TO ACCOMPLISH...TRUTHFULLY, I WAS VERY HARD ON MYSELF!.......AND I BECAME IN CONTROL OF MY HOUSE, MY LIFE, AND ME...IN THE PROCESS, I EVEN LOST 80 LBS.......I BECAME COMPULSIVE.........THAT WAS MY ONLY WAY OF GETTING THROUGH THIS!...................................................... AT THE MOMENT THAT JIMMY LEFT THE HOUSE FOR JAIL, LIFE STOOD STILL FOR ME........I SPENT MY NEXT DAYS ,WEEKS AND MONTHS, ALONE, STARING BLANKLY AT THE 4 WALLS, AS I TOLD YOU ABOUT IT IN PREVIOUS JOURNAL ENTRIES.  I SOMEHOW GOT MYSELF TOGETHER SLOWLY AND MOVED ON.........IT'S SCARY, BECAUSE EVERYBODY HAS BAD EPISODES IN LIFE, BUT UNLESS YOU ARE ACTUALLY PART OF IT, IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING.....IN REALITY, THERE IS NOTHING THAT ANYONE COULDHAVE SAID OR REALLY DONE FOR ME TO HELP ME....THE BOTTOM LINE WAS THAT I LOVED MY HUSBAND SO MUCH, I DIDN'T WANT HIM TO LEAVE ME........AND THAT WAS THAT.........YOU MAY SAY, "TRY TO BE AN INDEPENDENT WOMAN, FRAN."    INDEPENDENT?......I'VE BEEN THAT MY WHOLE LIFE!...........CAREER WOMAN, PROFESSIONAL, COLLAGE,  GRADUATE SCHOOL....WORLD TRAVELER...28 COUNTRIES, EXOTIC VACATIONS......WELL-VERSED IN CULTURES...A "NEW-YORKER."........A SOUTHERN CALIFORNIAN.....PART OF THE SOUTHWEST DESERT...FILLED WITH THE SOUTHWEST SPIRIT......."BEEN THERE, DONE THAT!".......WHAT I REALLY WANTED NOW, WAS TO
BE JIMMY'S WIFE........TO BE CALLED MRS. JIMMY................AND SO, THE MOMENTS AND SECONDS TURNED INTO MINUTES, THEN INTO HOURS, INTO DAYS , INTO WEEKS, AND MONTHS...FINALLY THE HOLIDAYS CAME AND WENT, THE SEASONS PASSED.....THE MONTHS TURNED INTO YEARS.......AND AFTER THE FIRST YEAR, I HAD TO GO  THROUGH IT ALL OVER AGAIN!.........................AND NOW, 1 YEAR AND 4 MONTHS  LATER,  HE IS OUT OF PRISON, INTO THE NEXT PHASE OF REHAB, AND LIFE AGAIN STARTS MOVING FORWARD FOR ME....FOR US....

I WOULD LIKE TO SAY, THROUGHOUT EVERYTHING, JIMMY AND I TURNED THIS PRISON EXPERIENCE INTO SOMETHING GOOD.  YOU SEE FOR JIMMY, HE IS A STRONG MAN, AND IT REALLY WASN'T A PROBLEM BEING IN PRISON...IT WAS A PROBLEM FOR ME, HOWEVER, TO HOLD OUR HOME AND ME AND JUST ABOUT  EVERYTHING TOGETHER...TO ME, JUST THE WORD "PRISON," IS A SHOCKING , DISGRACEFUL WORD.  NOW THAT I HAVE GONE THROUGH IT, IN RETROSPECT, IT REALLY ISN'T ALL THAT BAD.   MARTHA STEWART HAS THE IDEA.  SHE ACTUALLY STOLE MY IDEA.  I'VE BEEN SAYING IT SINCE JIMMY WENT AWAY.  THERE SHOULD BE A HANDBOOK ABOUT WHAT GOES ON IN THE PRISON SYSTEM FOR FAMILIES TO REFER TO, SO THEY CAN UNDERSTAND THE SYSTEM.  I HAVE BEEN FAMOUS FOR SAYING THIS.  WITHOUT SOME SORT OF HANDBOOK, HOW IS ONE TO KNOW AND UNDERSTAND THE RULES, REGULATIONS, AND JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING...THAT IS WHY I FEEL THE FAMILY IS ABUSED BY THE PRISON SYSTEM.  THEY DO NOT EXPLAIN ANYTHING TO THE FAMILY. I WILL DEFINETLY SUPPORT MARTHA STEWART'S HANDBOOK, AND WILL EVEN BECOME AN ADVOCATE FOR PRISON REFORM, FOR SOME SORT OF HELP OR SUPPORT FOR THE WIVES AND FAMILIES THAT ARE LEFT BEHIND.  OH YES, BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, AND I WILL ALWAYS SUPPORT THIS CAUSE .  MOST PEOPLE I TALK TO DO NOT . THEY SAY, "THE CRIMINAL COMMITTED HIS CRIME, WHY SHOULD THE SYSTEM HELP THE FAMILY?"  WHY?  BECAUSE I AM A HUMAN BEING AND CITIZAN OF AMERICA, THAT'S WHY.  AND IF YOU LOOK AT ME, HANDICAPPED AND LEGALLY BLIND, WITH ABSOLUTELY NO SUPPORT AROUND ME, WHAT EXACTLY AM I TO DO WHEN HUBBY GOES TO PRISON?  WHERE DO I TURN FOR HELP?  I STILL DON'T HAVE THE ANSWER. I FEEL VERY STRONGLY ABOUT THIS ISSUE, AND WILL FIGHT FOR IT.  THERE SHOULD BE SOME SORT OF SOCIAL WORKER NET WORK TO CHECK UP ON PRISON WIVES, TO SEE HOW THEY ARE COPING....TO SEE IF THEY ARE STILL ALIVE....DO THEY NEED SOME SORT OF HELP IN THE HOUSEHOLD...ARE THEY SICK.  ARE THEY DEAD OR ALIVE...........BUT NO, WE, PRISON WIVES ARE STILL THE OUTCASTS IN OUR SOCIETY, AND I'D LIKE TO SOMEHOW CHANGE THAT.

AS THE MONTHS ROLLED BY,  I WAS ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN.........TO SEE PEOPLE LAUGHING AND CELEBRATING, AND NOT BEING PART OF IT.  HOWEVER, WE BOTH DECIDED TO TURN IT INTO "GOOD."  JIMMY DID GOOD THINGS FOR THOSE HE MET IN PRISON...HE HELPED THEM, AND I HELPED THE WIVES, BY CALLING THEM WITH MESSAGES FROM THEIR LOVED ONES....JIMMY AND I BECAME PUBLISHED AUTHORS WHILE IN PRISON.  HE HAD A MAJOR STORY PUBLISHED IN "ANGELS ON EARTH MAGAZINE", APRIL 2003...HE WROTE IT, I TYPED IT AND SENT IT....I HAVE GOTTEN A LETTER TO THE EDITOR PUBLISHED ABOUT TREATMENT OF THE BLIND IN PUBLIC, AND A TRIBUTE TO NANCY AND RONALD REAGAN'S LOVE STORY PUBLISHED IN THE NEWSPAER, OF WHICH I HAVE SENT TO THE PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY IN SIMI VALLEY, TO BE PLACED THERE IN THE ARCHIVES.  I ALSO HAVE 3 SHORT STORIES COMING OUT IN AUGUST, SEPT. AND OCT. ISSUES OF MAGAZINES.  I ALSO HAVE 3 BOOKS CURRENTLY BEING WRITTEN AND WILL BE SENT FOR PUBLICATION WHEN JIMMY COMES HOME.  JIMMY ALSO HAS A BOOK HE IS WRITING........AND SO, AS THE SAYING GOES, "WE MADE LEMON-AIDE OUT OF LEMONS"..........THAT IS HOW JIMMY AND I ARE.........IN THE DEPTHS OF DESPAIR, (ESPECIALLY ME)........MY HUSBAND TOOK MY HAND, AND HELPED ME RISE ABOVE....BY FOCUSING ON BECOMING A WRITER, HE HELPED ME DO IT!

I WOULD LIKE TO THANK ALL THOSE THAT HAVE STOOD BY ME THROUGH THIS TRYING TIME OF MY LIFE.  ALL MY JOURNAL FRIENDS, THAT PULLED ME THROUGH IT ALL.....YOU BECAME MY SUPPORT GROUP....YOU BECAME MY FAMILY IN LIFE......THANK YOU OVER AND OVER AGAIN, FOR ALL THE SUPPORT YOU GAVE ME...I DON'T THINK I COULD HAVE MADE IT WITHOUT YOU ALL!........

I DON'T KNOW YOUR FACES, AND I DON'T KNOW YOU PERSONALLY, BUT YOU ARE ALL SO WONDERFUL.........YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE, AND JIMMY AND I ARE BLESSED TO BE PART OF YOU!

And so, "The Visit!"

....And so, I got to actually see and touch, and kiss, and hold, and hug and hold hands with , and be held in his arms.....and talk to, and laugh with, and cry with, and whisper sweet love things to, and smell his nice sweet man scent on him....and feel his strong arms ,and feel his strong muscles around me, holding me tightly....and our feet touched and our feet entertwined....and we sat face to face on chairs...and we stood and hugged...and his arms tight around me....and we kissed over and over again..and Jimmy actually counted the number of kisses.......and we ate food together.......and he fed me, as he likes to do........chicken wings and french fries......and he served me the food..........and afterwards, we gazed in each other eyes....he has very clear and brillant eyes...and when I look into his eyes, I see the depth of oceans...the vast universe....SONG PLAYING NOW:  "Here and now, I promise to love faithfully.....you're all I need.........your love is all that I need. When I look in your eyes,  all that I see, all that our love really needs.  And I need you more everyday.......Here and now, I promise to love faithfully, you're all I need........here and now, I vow to be one with thee.......your love is all that I need. Starting here, right now, I believe in your love, here and now, I promise to love faithfully."....(SONG CURRENTLY PLAYING ON RADIO, AS I TYPE THIS....BY LUTHER VANDROSS............and Jimmy showed my the back of his head that I like to look at.......and he massaged my hands and fingers........and I looked very closely into his eyes, like I like todo, and we stared into each others eyes.........what I saw, was a happy man with no negativities, no resentment of the world....only love, for me and the world.........I saw clear, intelligent eyes, purged of the past,and the past released from him, ready to start afresh again in the world..........a very happy man.......a handsome man.......that is my husband for you.....a very strong and determined man, and together with me, we can hold hands and fly above the world........and soar to extreme levels above the earth.......into the universe and beyond.........and so, we were brought together again, after 16 months...and it was like we never left one another........it was like I had seen him only yesterday..............oh!  I love my husband so!..........I know that I am A RARE SPECIMAN!.......to know that I am a married woman, and I actually love and  am "IN LOVE" with my husband....now tell me, aren't I a rare speciman in this world?!...............and the world watched, as we met again after such a long time.......!!!!!!

..............As the song goes, that I am listening to at this second as I write this..............."I'll make love to you,  as you want me to, and I'll hold you tight, baby all through the night..........I'll make love to you, like you want me to, ........and I will not let go,till you tell me to................"           PERFECT!...PERFECT SONG...PERFECT TIMING  (I think it's by the Backstreet Boys)

To be more explicit about the "visit,"  it was a 2 hour visit, 7p to 9p....Larry drove me in his sports car (I asked him to please put up the roof, as we were driving fast along the parkway and turnpike!..It takes 1 1/2 hours to get there.  Jimmy and I were actually only together for around 45 minutes.  We sat in the cafeteria, and had a nice meal of chicken wings, french fries, salad, ice cream.  Jimmy didn't eat, but he served me and fed me!  There were lots of wives there, along with children.  For the first hour, I sat with the wives in a room and watched a tape on tv about raising your children.  I love Talbot Hall!  It has a very nice feeling when you walk in there!...It seems filled with love and good energies.  There is a "spiritual" feeling there.  There is positive energy in the air!  It is filled with "healing."  You feel happy, as you enter the premises.  It is uplifting to be there!  I am so happy Jimmy is in such a place!  Jimmy enjoys going to all the programs everyday.  He attends around 8 each day.  He enjoys talking, listening, learning about others, and helping them too.  The programs are AA meetings and things like that.  I am so proud of my husband.  He sent me today his certificate that says he has completed his orientation process.  He works in the library, and on the allumni committee. He still calls me 3 times a day, but we are now with Verizon, and the calls are cheaper! (my bill might be $800, INSTEAD OF $1300/month...lol!).  I could not make it there this weekend, because it is too grey and raining all weekend.  I made him potato salad, and corn muffins, and would have brought along coldcuts, but I guess I have to eat it myself!  You see, being legally blind it is very difficult for me to drive there.  My eyes get so tired, I can barely keep them open.  The muscles surrounding my eyes get tired.  They get more blurry as the day goes on, and I always have debris floating around in front of my eyes.  On days it rains, it is really the worst, and I can't take a chance driving there.  I can see around 5 feet in front of me.  I have major trouble reading signs and exits, until I am on top of them.  So, my Jimmy gave me strict instructions to not come and see him this weekend.  Hopefully, next week-end will be sunny!!!!..............So, that's about it!..................That's my life!.......And. how's yours?!

Harmony....Serenity.....Peace and Balance...

Hi everyone!  Sorry I haven't been writing much lately, but suddenly in the past few weeks, my life has changed....for the better, that is!  Now that Jimmy is in Talbot Center, everything has an "airy", uplifted feeling to it!.........There has been a purging out of all the negativities that had accumulated while in the prison.....When I look back on it, in retrospect, I see a lot of "darkness."....I don't even want to go there in my thoughts.  It is a very "black" arera in my life and thoughts.  However, I want to still be connected and understanding, because I personally know how people suffer through the prison process.  As most of you know, I srarted writing this journal on 12/31/03....New Year's Eve...in this cold, empty house....alone and probably at one of my lowest points....Jimmy talked to me on the phone and suggested I start writing a journal.  And there I sat, typing away....letting you into my life and thoughts.  Talking to all of you was actually my life-saver....I could not have done it alone.  I know it really should have been the other way around, but Jimmy was the one who talked me out of "my thoughts"....everyday while he was in prison.........Depression?..That is actually a very light word, for the place I was in....He encouraged me to keep writing the journal.  And so I did.  And it helped not only me, but many people that read it.  Jimmy always told me, the worst part of going to prison was leaving me behind.  I was in a new state, 2500 miles away from where I had lived for 10 years....no family or friends....alone and without eyesight.........3 animals to feed...snow and rain, that I was not used to since I lived in the desert...a house to take care of, 2 cars to take care of, and a big dog to walk..How did I do it? I just don't know. Jimmy just didn't know how I would make it here, alone in this house..........but I did! We thought he'd be in prison for 5 months....and that turned into 16 months, as of today.

...And so, now things have changed!  I am having a difficult time finding the right words to write in this journal, at this time....and I'm not sure why..............I am very up-lifted....joyful....purged out of all the negativities...............I've even lost 20 lbs in the past 24 days.........yes, you read it right, 20 lbs...........a total of 80 lbs since Jimmy left home............Ifeel great, physically and mentally..........I feel all the ugly, negative energies have been released from my body........You see, it is a stigma for a person like me to have a person in prison..........Even the word, "PRISON," makes you think of something ugly, black, and evil.................You see, the word "PRISON" was never part of my vocabulary....I knew nothing about the prison system.  When I first met Jimmy, and he said, "i'm a bailbondsman,"  I asked him, what's that?.........................Well I could go on and on here.......but I'd prefer to know be positive and happy at the moment, looking to the future.

I'm sorry if my thoughts are a little dis-jointed at the present time.....I am very happy and relaxed...........Now that Jimmy is in Talbot, it is like a major pressure has been released from my shoulders..........I'm more in love with my husband than ever.............and I'm so glad that life moves on.....................................

I'll write to you later about my wonderful visit with Jimmy.

"Peace, Balance, and Harmony"

Hi Everyone!  I'm back to writing again, and my journal is corrected so you can all read it properly, thanks to Stuart, in Scotland...he was able to figure out what was wrong...I had to erase the "wingdings." (Stuart has a great journal! It's called  "SPECIMAN DAYS"....Sdrogerson.  Try to stop by and read it!)

This coming Tuesday, Jimmy's friend will take me to Talbot.  We will leave at 5pm, and the "marriage counseling session" will start at 7pm.  I am really excited.  I have never been in that kind of scenerio with my husband...in a group setting.  I know Jimmy talks alot , and I'm kind of quiet (kind of, I said...not always).  Actually, the counselor has asked Jimmy that I be a guest speaker one Tuesday, and lead a session. He said to Jimmy, "your wife has a Masters degree from Columbia University, so she is highly qualified."  I am very honored for him to ask me, but I really doubt it, at this point , I can do such a thing.  Maybe one day, but right now, I'm still mentally and physically recovering from this whole prison thing.  My emotions play tricks with me, and I may suddenly burst out crying!  Also, I never liked standing in front of an audience speaking.  I am not a speaker.  I am one of those people that freeze up in front of an audience.  Now, I can speak to you on a one-to -one basis, or through writing.  That's ok.  However, I have been blessed twice, to have in my life 2 very brillant men, who are out-spoken, and have the gift of speech.  Both, yes both, are wonderful, intellectual speakers.  The man I lived with, before Jimmy, for 28 years was a Professor of International business and Marketing, and my Jimmy, my life, has a Doctorate in Law from New York University....If you saw Jimmy in a room, you'd notice him right away.  He's the man that stands out!  The leader in the room.  He has a way of totally controlling the room.  However, not in a strict sort of way, but he is very humerous, too.  And nothing goes by him.  He sees everything, and remembers everything. And of course, with me by his side, he'd be holding my hand very tightly, treating me with lots of respect, and treating me very nice..taking care of me.  Jimmy puts me on a pedestal...I smile, I laugh, I relax when I am with him...

And so, like I said, we are both very excited.  Just to touch him, kiss him, look into his eyes...it will seem like a dream.  Jimmy told me not to come there yesterday, Saturday, because he knows his wife, and he wanted me to rest a little.  After Tuesday's visit, I will probably go next Saturday, for the all-day visit.  I get tired very easily, and am not physically as strong as I once was, so I try to take things slowly.  I have trouble walking, and have lots of body pain...something like arthritis, but the doctor's say it's neuropathy.  Lately, it;s very difficult for me to even step up on the curb.  My cane is my life-saver.  I call it "little Jimmy."  It has always accompanied me, since Jimmy left.  Usually, Jimmy holds on to me, but now I use the cane!  Well, hopefully things will get better1

Last week Jimmy took the test that will help him to progress out of Talbot Rehab Center, to the Half-way house.  It was a test about things he had to memorize...oaths, etc. about never again doing things and committing crimes to hurt your family.  Jimmy passed with flying colors!  He got something like 1 wrong!  The counselor said it is better he did not get 100%, or else they would have thought he'd cheated.  I told Jimmy, there was an episode on "ST. JOAN OF ARCADIA" this year about the same subject.  Did any of you watch that?  I liked that show alot!

On Friday, my Aunt and sister took me out for my birthday!...Yes, I'm starting to step out, after 16 months!  They took me to a lovely Italian restaurant, called "Luigi's." Delicious food....we all had "flounder francais," along with salad, split pea soup, freshly baked rolls, and angel hair pasta with marinara sause. I really had a great time!  There was a male singer there, who sang romantic songs, and many Italian love songs.  He sang me "Happy Birthday," as the cake with candles came to the table.  He stood next to me and sang, and announced to the crowded room that I am from Las Vegas.  Take me back with you to Las Vegas, he pleaded!  Actually, he knows my husband, as we were going to this restaurant before Jimmy left..........It was a very joyous night!  We laughed the whole time, and talked.  My sister , who is 9 years older than me, told me about her latest "fling," and how great this man is!  My aunt, who lost her husband a few months ago, is all excited about the new computer she is getting...a dell laptop. This will give her something to learn and keep busy with. She was influenced by me, because I always tell her about the computer, and how important it is in my life.  My aunt is very lonely since her husband died, and she calls me everyday, and talks for hours . This will keep her busy.

Well, guess I said enough!.....Bye, and thanks for all your great comments!...........................FRAN

"BEHIND THE GLASS WALL"

Yes, I got to see my husband, Jimmy , on Monday, after exactly 11 months!  Jimmy looks fantastic!  You'd never believe he is a man that has spent 15 months in prison!....That's my husband for you! He looked bright, glowing and happy....smiling as always....immaculately clean...hair cut, clean-shaven....and best of all , he has lost around 50 lbs!...he kept that little secret from me all along....he always says he lost weight, but i never imagined he lost so much....he looks great!  He lost his tummy.  He looks half his size!.............Well, we were pretty far away from each other, seperated by a glass wall, and a security person.  We smiled, laughed, and blew kisses. We could hear each other a little. It is a place in Kearny, New Jersey, called TALBOT HALL.  I was surprised, it is a really nice place.  An old large, brick building , with what appears to be marble floors.  So clean, the smell of antiseptic was in the air.  The glass wall sparkled with cleanliness! Jimmy's friend picked me up in his sports car and drove me there....it does take 1 1/2 to 2 hrs. to get there.....It was a deluge of rain....very low visibility...As you may have heard, there has been very heavy rainfalls out here, with flooding.  Well sure enough, we have been waiting for this day forever (to see jimmy), so the day I rode there, it was in the middle of the storm.....yes, the heavens opened up, as Jimmy and I met...Jimmy always says our love and energy is strong enough to light up the Eastern seaboard, and truthfully, he is not wrong!..The power of our love is so strong, it opened up the skies....affecting New Jersey, Delaware, and Maryland.  And so, his friend carried the heavy bags, and I had to show each item to the guard.  Some things he sent back with me, that contained alcohol.  After about 45 minutes, we left....still unable to touch or hold Jimmy....that would be this coming week-end, or next week-end...I am so happy to see Jimmy healthy and looking happy...that is my main concern.  His counselor happened to pass by when I was there, so he introduced me to him.  He formerly lived in Las Vegas, so he was all happy to see me!

Jimmy wants me to come there on some Tuesdays...7pm to 9pm.  They have MARRIAGE COUNSELING that night....a dinner and group session.  His friend says he will take me there.  I think Jimmy just wants to hold my hand for 2 hours...that's all!...and set an example for others..."what it's like to be in love, through thick and thin."

While there, I picked up 2 big plastic bins from the prison of Jimmy's things...mostly all our pix, and the computer pix i sent him...all computer stuff i sent him, including copies of this journal....it is so much stuff i sent him, you can't immagine...I started to cry when I opened the boxes at home...this was the stuff that helped my husband survive the long long days at that prison.  He had taken my pix, along with prince, misty, and jimbo, and put them in 6 photo albums...along with cards i sent...verses i wrote....Jimmy is very artistic, and he put thlose albums together in a very artistic way...He had showed the whole prison those books!  as i looked throught those books, i thought about how they had passed through so many hands...lonely people...maybe it spread a little joy to them!  Jimmy said the guys loved to sit and stare at the pix of me eating clams on the half-shell, on the boardwalk at SEASIDE . Jimmy had taken about 5 pix in succession of me eating the clams!

Anyhow, the picture books are up on the bookcase, now, along with the other photo albums.  After I write this, I will open the second plastic bin...It is a little emotional for me to open them...I feel Jimmy's presence in the prison, as I open them.

And so, it won't be long now, before Jimmy progresses to the Half-way house.  He will stay at Talbot 60 -90 days.....although some get out at 45 days...so we figure around the end of August or beginning of Sept....he will go to the hallf-way house, and then come home on week-ends.  In October, he will go before the parole board, and be able to come home soon with a metal bracelet on....I'm almost positive he will be home for the holidays...

In the meantime, he is kept busy at Talbot.  He attends sessions all day.  Recovery groups.  AA groups (people come from outside, too). Jimmy always talks in these groups.  He enjoys learning about people, although he himself has no addictions, except, I suppose, the thrill of committing a crime.  For a highly intelligent man like this, it is actually a challenge to commit a crime...it is almost like e chess-game.....but he promises never to do it again, now that he has me, and a family, to live for.

Well, I'm happy seeing Jimmy.  I've also been a little tired, so I've been resting up.....After all, I really haven't gone out of the house on long-distances or 15 months....Thank-you, everyone, for being concerned about me, and leaving your nice comments!............I gotta go rest now!

Very Excited...the night before..

 

Hi Everyone!

I guess you can see I'm real excited....getting more excited by the minute.  In about 1/2 hour, I'll put myself to bed, and try to calm my thoughts, and drift off to sleep.  Tomorrow, monday, larry will pick me up at 12:30, and whisk me away to see Jimmy, in North Jersey...exit 15 e, on the Turnpike!  We decided I would go along with Larry, as he brings Jimmy his clothes.  Even though we will only look at each other behind a glass wall...no phones, no way to talk....(you can shout to each other if you want to).  I just spoke to Jimmy a little while ago.  He is excited, but we are trying to remain calm.  He knows I can get quite emotional, but I've decided not to cry in front of him. However, I am bringing along in my purse 2 large linen handkerchiefs I bought in India....Lol....they are much better and stronger to cry into, than kleenex!...The trip up north is around 1 1/2 hours from here.

I've been dancing all day, and for the past few days.  I just like moving to the beat of the music.  I walked 2 miles today, wearing my walk-man, and I dance in the street as I walk....I know people think I'm nuts, but so what!....Jimmy says people are happy to see a happy girl like me walking and dancing around!  And it's true!..People pass me and say, "Gee, You're so happy!"...Today I even sang , as I sat on the park bench!   In the 15 months Jimmy has been away  , music has become my friend....and that is the one thing no one, u no one can take away from me.  And I suggest to anyone under a lot of stress, become one with the music....move with the music...forget about everyone and evrything around you....close your eyes and just move with the beat...you won't regret it!

Gretchen....I lost 11 lbs this past week....can you believe it!......I don't know what happened...it seemed to just melt off....So it's a total of 75 lbs lost since March 28, 2003, when Jimmy left for the jail....I feel great!....Thinner is better for me, although I still have a good 40 more lbs to go.  Jimmy doesn't want me real skinny....he likes meat on me....WHAT A MAN!  It's a dream come true to have a husband who doesn't want his woman real thin!

Thank you everyone for your wonderful comments.  Dawn, you muist have had  great time on the cruise.  Gretchan, I'll keep you posted on the visits...Jan, thanx for your kind words!...Sdrogerson, thanx for checking up on me!  Probably tomorrow nite, I'll catch up on my journal reading...sorry, I've been lagging behimd....I need to go to bed after this, to get rested for tomorrow.

I went to Walmart today.  I bought Jimmy a new Walkman, as his broke in prison.  He mainly listens to AM radio talk shows.  I bought myself another Barbie doll ( i have around 100 barbie's).  As soon as I told Jimmy, he was so happy.  He knows I won't buy one, unless I feel happy.  He has been begging me for months to buy one, and I just wouldn't............but today, in Walmart, it just struck me!...suddenly, I couldn't resist!  I found the most beautiful doll....a FAIRY BARBIE DOLL...She has purple long curly hair, with sparkles,. a skirt made like a flower...wings of purple with glitter....purple stocking with sparkles, and a top with sparkles...just beautiful!....a cute little 10-year old girl was standing there, gazing at the dolls, mesmerized by them.  And we talked about the Barbie dolls...lol...She was kind of amazed by me!   A grown woman, with such a large collection!  She was so sweet.  She was from Russia.  She liked the "wonder woman" doll.  So there we stood and gazed at the dolls together...a moment caught in time...as we were transfixed into the magical world of Barbie's.  I'd like to thank God for those few moments with that sweet little girl...I don't know, she just might have been ana Angel, herself. Now, I will read to you what is on the box:

                         FAIRYTOPIA

 ...................SPARKLE FAIRY....................

    If you're pure of heart,

kind in spirit, and truly believe

in your wildest dreams,

you will find your way your wayto the faraway

world of "Fairytopia.

   There you'll find all the magical creatures of

your fantasies.

        What are you waiting for?

         Journey to Fairytopia....

(and so tomorrow, I will bring Barbie along with me to see Jimmy.  She will travel in my tote bag.  But, Jimmy has requested to see Barbie.  So, at the "glass window, " as we gaze at each other, seeing the love deep in our eyes...Jimmy has requested I take Barbie out f the tote bag, and hold her up, for all to see....let her fly through the air, wioth her wings flapping............a beautiful fairy will have visited the rehab place....she will brighten up the place, and my husband, too.  I know the prison guards will look at me oddly...........but I don't care.....that's me!...Jimmy and I..Two of a kind!.........AND ALL THE STRESS OF 15 MONTHS WILL DISAPPEAR, AS FAIRY DUST IS SPRINKLED ALL AROUND!................I'll keep you posted!...........lOVE , FrAN

 

I'M SO HAPPY

I'm so happy!  Everything is packed up and ready to go....sitting on the kitchen table....2 big black garbage bags....that is how the rehab place wants the stuff....no suitcases...no tote bags.  His belongings will be taken out of the bags, examined for drugs...also no batteries or food.  His things will then be placed in large garbage bags.  So today I fixed everything up...one bag contains, 5 pairs of pants, 5 shirts, slippers, new sneakers, 1 pair boots.  The other bag contains 2 new large  towels, 3 facecloths, all his toiletries.  I seperated the toilitries into zip lock bags...1 bag contains his shaving equipment...another lotions, another, soaps and body wash for men!...another deodorant and powders....so everything is neatly organized for my honey!...A small plastic shopping bag contains books, magazines , crossword puzzle books, dinasuar cards, for my baby to keep his mind occupied.  The stuff will be checked at the door..A glass panel will be there. Jimmy will be there behind the glass panel, and a security guard will stand between us. We cannot talk...............And then, next week-end, I can go see him for 7 hours.................Today, Jimmy helped put the picnic benches with unbrellas outside for visiting hours.  It's great!  We can sit inside the cafeteria, and then go outside under the picnic table...we can touch, hold hands, and kiss, as much as we want.  However, the handbook says, NO SEX ON THE PREMISES!  On Tuesdays, there is a session for married couples to attend.  Jimmy wants me to try to go there.  It is mainly for counseling.  I said, "but Jimmy, we don't need counseling, we are so much in love."  He said, it will be fun Fran.  We can teach the others through our example just how much we are in love.  How you, as a wife have "done time" with me. How everyday you told me for 15 months..."I live every minute for you."....Let us set an example for others.....

And now, some other good news!.........I just got another story acceptance in the mail...It will be a pix and short story abot my 2 cats.  It will be in the October issue of True Story....So now, that is 3 stories, 3 months in a row, that i'll have published....AUGUST, SEPT. , AND OCT.  ....Gee, this is getting to be fun!.............lOVE , FRAN

JIMMY'S IN THE REHAB CENTER

In the past few days, my life has entirely changed!.....For the better , that is!  Jimmy is finally in the Rehab-evaluation center.  He is no longer a prisoner, although he is part of the system.  On Tuesday morning at 4am, the prison took him to the center.  They woke him and took him, along with others at 3:30 am.  They transported him in a bus, and later changed to a van.  The trip took around 7 hours, for a trip that should have taken around 3 hours.  They stopped at different institutions along the way, leaving inmates off.  Upon arriving at the center, Jimmy went through an all day orientation program.  What a blessing this new place is!  Jimmy was just happy to be in an air-conditioned place and take a nice shower.  The farm where he was , was dirty and non-air conditioned....it was humid..very terrible.  And so, my baby is settled there.  Everyday he attends programs most of the day.  He shares a room with 8 others.  He even has a phone in the room.  It is a spiritual place.  It is a place of "cleansing" oneself out.  Those rehab places are beautiful...they are soothing...you reform your way of thinking.  You purge your soul, and are made to believe you are not a bad person.  You are surrounded by counselors that help you, because they were once in your shoes.  Jimmy's section is called "harmony."  The other 2 sections are Serenity and Tranquility.  It's strange, because for the past couple of months I keep saying 3 words that will keep me on track.......PEACE, BALANCE, AND HARMONY.  And now, Jimmy is in Harmony.  Jimmy sounds peaceful and happy.  He is meeting some nice people.  The other night, he attended a program with speakers who had reformed...these people were very good people...doctors, lawyers, etc.  And now Jimmy has joined that committee...for guest speakers........I may see Jimmy on Monday.  His friend Larry will come to my house and pick up his clothes and toiletries.  I may go along.  It will be a little emotional, as I can only see him.....not talk, behind the glass window.  I will go, though.  Then, next Saturday, 7/17, I can go visit him, and touch him.  The visits are 7 hour visits.  We will bring food.  I am so excited!!!!!!..........i'LL TELL YOU MORE LATER!........FRAN

'THE MOMEMNT HAS FINALLY ARRIVED"

Well, the moment has finally arrived.  It is 3 am, now.  In about 1 hour....4 am....Jimmy will be woken up and taken to the TALBOT CENTER.....Rehab place.  Yes, the prison transports the prisoner around 4am.  We had our last phone call at 8 pm, and we are both excited.  I will be seeing him next Saturday....yes, very soon.  Sooner than we thought.   I feel quiet inside of me, right now.  There is a certain peace about me.  I feel so sorry that all of this has happened to my husband, who is such a good man.  I beg God's forgiveness for whatever we both did wrong in life to deserve this.   Last evening, Prince and I sat outside, under the moon and stars.  It was a magical and mystical experience.  It was as if all the angels up above were singing and rejoicing.  It was quiet and peaceful, except for the cricketts.  Prince loves sitting outside with me at that time of night.  It calms him down, and he can sleep better at night.

I just looked up "talbot".  He is a saint in the Catholic Church.  His name is ST. MATT TALBOT, aka  VENERABLE MATT TALBOT.  (1856-1925)   His feast day is June 19.  He was an alcoholic, who reformed.  There is a quote he wrote, on his web-page. It reads, ........."GOD CONSOLE THEE, AND MAKE THEE A SAINT.  TO ARRIVE AT THE PERFECTION OF HUMILITY FOUR THINGS ARE NECESSARY:  TO DESPISE THE WORLD, TO DESPISE NO ONE, TO DESPISE SELF, TO DESPISE BEING DESPISED BY OTHERS."

I'M SO EXCITED!

I'm so excited!...So many wonderful things have been happening!   My birthday was July 1st, and I got the best news that day...Jimmy will be going to the evaluation center on Tuesday or Thursday, of this upcoming week.  So today, I will happily go to the store and get his toilitres.  Then later today I will get his clothes and shoes out of the closet.  I will call Larry, his friend, and tell him to come here and pick his stuff up...my gosh!  I can't believe this is happening!.......I have stopped sending him any mail, as he will be leaving.  I have the road directions.  He may not go to Trenton, but I think they changed their mind and he will go to Kearney, New Jersey.

I have never been an idle person in life, so now I have a small job I do at home on computer and phone.  I work around 4-8 hours/day....but can do as much as I like.  I like doing something...being productive...it is keeping me busy.

I still am writing and sending things out for publication.  My Aunt Jo, whose husband died around 3 months ago, has become inspired by my writing.  She calls me almost everyday, and she can't believe how much writing I do for publication.  So now, she has written 3 short essays....inspired by me!....One is "Loneliness,"  "What is Happiness?"...and a third is about the 2 wonderful husbands she had.  I will type them up for her and send them to newspapers/magazines for publication.  The writing is taking her out of the depression she has upon being a recent widow again.  Yes, it is true, writing is good therapy, and I encourage her, and we talk for long hours about it.

On my birthday, Jimmy called me every 2 hours!  He sang happy birthday many times.  I got birthday wishes from around 8 inmates, and even some officers!  One female officer yelled at him for doing this crime, when he has such a nice wife!

Also on my birthday, I got a surprise card, gift and phone call from my other sister, whom hasn't spoken to me in about 1 year.  We talked happily together, as if nothing happened.  She wanted to congratulate me about my publications...and she said she is proud to be the sister of a published author!........Can you imagine!.....LOL. Well I guess it's taken becoming a famous writer for my own sister to begin talking to me!...LOL

Well, I'll say bye for now.  I have to go out and walk...it's such a beautiful day...yesterday I did 1 mile.....

Hope you all keep reading my journal!  Hang in there....life has it's ups and downs....and when you are on an "up", life isn't really bad at all!...............................Fran