THE PRISON WIFE....THE "FORGOTTEN WOMAN"

IN TRUTH, THE PRISON WIFE IS THE "FORGOTTEN WOMAN."....IT IS THE LABEL THAT I HAVE CHOSEN TO PUT ON THE WIFE OF A PRISONER.........I'LL TRY TO EXPLAIN WHY.

EVERYONE CARES ABOUT THE HOMELESS, THE SICK, THE DYING, THE ORPHANS, VICTIMS OF NATURAL DISASTERS.......MILATARY WIVES......THE LIST GOES ON AND ON...........BUT NO ONE EVEN THINKS ABOUT THE "PRISON WIFE."....SHE IS , IN ACTUALITY, A "VICTIM."......HER HUSBAND COMMITTED A CRIME, WHICH SHE MAY NOT HAVE EVEN KNOWN ANYTHING AT ALL ABOUT.  HE IS PUT IN A PRISON, WITH A BED TO SLEEP IN, 3 MEALS/DAY, NO BILLS TO PAY, NO JOB TO WORRY ABOUT, NO RENT TO WORRY ABOUT, NO CHILDREN TO WORRY ABOUT.  THE WOMAN, ON THE OTHER HAND IS LEFT WITH TOTAL RESPONSIBILITY OF THE HOUSEHOLD..........SHE MUST "HOLD EVERYTHING" TOGETHER WHILE THE HUSBAND IS AWAY.  ONCE INCARCERATED, THE WIFE IS SUDDENLYN LEFT ALONE WITHOUT HER HUSBAND'S PAYCHECK....SHE MUST PAY THE RENT, THE MORTGAGE, THE CARS , THE INSURANCES...LIFE STILL GOES ON FOR HER.............I KNOW THAT MANY WOMEN HAVE LOST THEIR HOMES IN THEIR FINANCIAL STRUGGLE..........................THE WOMEN WORK, AND ON THEIR DAYS OFF, ON THE WEEKEND,  GO TO SEE THEIR HUSBAND IN PRISON..........THEY TAKE PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION, LEAVE AT UNGODLY HOURS TO GET THERE  (LIKE 4 OR 5 AM), BECAUSE PRISONS ARE USUALLY IN REMOTE AREAS, AND THE HUSBAND ALWAYS SEEMS TO BE PLACED AS FAR AWAY AS POSSIBLE FROM HIS HOME.........WIVES CAN NO LONGER AFFORD PHONES, OR CARS........

I HAVE YET TO READ ARTICLES ABOUT THIS SUBJECT.  IT IS LIKE A BIG SECRET....NO ONE WANTS TO EVEN THINK ABOUT IT, NO LESS TALK ABOUT IT..............AND YET, WITH CLOSE TO 2 MILLION PEOPLE INCARCERATED IN THE PRISON SYSTEM IN THIS COUNTRY, IMAGINE JUST HOW MANY WIVES ARE LEFT BEHIND?.......NO LESS, ANY LOVED ONE, BE IT GIRLFRIEND, MOTHER, AND YES, THE POOR CHILDREN OF THE INCARCERATED (THEY TOO ARE THE FORGOTTEN ONES)

  I ASK YOU, HAVE YOU HEARD OF ANY PROGRAMS SET UP IN OUR COUNTRY TO HELP THESE FORGOTTEN PEOPLE?......IF NOTHING ELSE, SOME SORT OF PSYCHOLOGICAL SUPPORT SHOULD BE AVAILABLE. 

AGAIN, I STRESS, THESE WOMEN ARE BEING "THROWN AWAY" IN OUR SOCIETY. I WONDER WITH 2 MILLION MEN IN PRISON, HOW MANY WIVES ARE BEHIND CLOSED DOORS, LIVING IN SECRECY, AFARID OF THE WORLD, AFRAID TO EXPRESS THEMSELVES..........MAYBE EVEN CONTEMPLATING TAKING THEIR OWN LIVES.  WE JUST DON'T KNOW, BECAUSE AS FAR AS I KNOW, NO GOVERNMENTAL PROGRAMS ARE IN EXISTENCE FOR THESE WOMEN.

HOW DO I KNOW THESE THINGS?...BECAUSE I HAVE SPOKEN TO MANY WOMAN.......GIRLFRIENDS, WIVES, AND EVEN MOTHERS.............I STOOD IN LINE WITH THOSE WOMEN, WAITING TO GET INTO THE PRISON...I HEARD WHAT THEY HAVE TO SAY, AND IN MY HEART AND SOUL, I CANNOT IGNORE IT.  .....I AM A HUMAN BEING, JUST AS THEY ARE......

I HEARD THEIR STORIES.  SOME WERE WAITING MANY YEARS FOR THEIR HUSBAND TO RETURN.........WITH CHILDREN.......A LOT OF WOMEN WERE PREGNANT..........MANY BECAME AGROPHOBIC AM,D WOULD NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE.  FRIENDS AND FAMILY MEMBERS TURNED ON THEM WHEN THE HUSBAND WAS PUT IN PRISON.  MANY OF THESE WOMEN SEEMED TO DEVELOP PSYCHOLOGICAL PROBLEMS, AND IT WAS IGNORED........SOME TOLD ME HOW THEY WERE PUT ON ANTI-DEPRESSENTS....HOW EVEN THEIR CHILDREN WERE PUT ON PSYCH MEDS..........SOME CALLED ME ON THE PHONE........THEY COULD NO LONGER EAT...THEY DRANK COFFEE AND SMOKED CIGARRETTES ALL DAY. ...AND YES, I HEARD WOMEN ON THE PHONE CRYING, SCREAMING...THEY DID NOT KNOW HOW THEY WOULD MAKE IT ANOTHER DAY, WITHOUT THEIR HUSBAND.  THEY WOULD CALL ME ALL DAY, LEAVING MESSAGES ON MY ANSWERING MACHINE, TO PLEASE TALK TO THEM.  AND I WOULD TALK TO THEM, AND LISTEN....THAT IS REALLY ALL THEY WANTED.  I WOULD TELL THEM, "THERE ARE NO WORDS I CAN REALLY SAY, BUT I WILL LISTEN TO YOU, AND I UNDERSTAND, BECAUSE I'M IN THE SAME PLACE YOU ARE......YOU ARE NOT ALONE."..................THAT IS ALL THEY REALLY WANTED TO HEAR........."YOU ARE NOT ALONE."......SOME WOULD CALL ME FOR WEEKS ON END, AND THEN THE CALLS WOULD STOP..........AS FOR ME, I WAS SO EXTREMELY DEPRESSED MYSELF, THAT AT ONE POINT I HAD TO CUT OFF THESE CALLS,,,,,IT WAS DIFFICULT FOR ME TO LISTEN TO ALL THESE CRYING, DESPERATE WOMEN......

SOME REEAD MY JOURNAL, AND ONE REFUSED TO LEAVE A COMMENT HERE.......SHE WAS SO FEARFUL, SO SHE WOULD WRITE ME E-MAILS...........

I SAW MOTHERS AND TALKED ON THE PHONE TO THEM......MOTHERS WITH SUCH EXTREME LOVE IN THEIR EYES, FOR THEIR SON..............A YOUNG SON, WHO WENT DOWN THE WRONG PATHWAY IN LIFE.........AND NOW THE MOTHER VISITED HIM REGULARLY..............I SAW PREGNANT WOMEN ON VISITS, ACCOMPANIED BY FATHERS.......YOUNG, PRETTY WOMEN....WITH EVERYTHING AND MORE TO LIVE FOR, ONLY NOW PART OF THE PRISON SYSTEM.............MOTHERS THANKED ME TIME AND TIME AGAIN ON THE PHONE...THEY FINALLY GOT A MESSAGE THAT THEIR SON WAS OK, AND WHERE HE WAS.  ONE BROTHER EVEN INVITED ME TO THEIR FAMILY CHRISTMAS DINNER, 2003, AND SAID THERE WOULD BE A HOUSEHOLD FULL OF PEOPLE AND CHILDREN, 30 OR MORE, AND I WAS WELCOME. JUST THE INVITATION AND THOUGHT OF IT TOUCHED MY HEART AND SOUL...........

LET ME EXPLAIN A LITTLE FURTHER ABOUT WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT........THEN, YOU MAY UNDERSTAND.......I CAN ONLY SPEAK FOR MYSELF, AND MY EXPERIENCE.......

WHEN YOUR HUSBAND GOES TO PRISON, HE NO LONGER BELONGS TO YOU.  HE BELONGS TO THE STATE.  SO, IN REALITY, YOU ARE A MARRIED WOMAN, WITHOUT A HUSBAND.  YOU ARE IN A WORLD OF YOUR OWN...YOU CREATE A SHELL AROUND YOU.  YOU ARE NO LONGER PART OF ANYTHING...LIFE JUST GOES ON DAY BY DAY.  YOU TRY TO GET A GRIP OF YOURSELF, AND SAY YOU ARE "KEEPING THE HOUSEHOLD TOGETHER."...........WIDOWS CAN MOVE ON...PRISON WIVES CAN'T.  A WIDOW GRIEVES HER HUSBAND, AND THEN AS TIME GOES ON, SHE MAY START TO SOCIALIZEA ND DO THINGS AND MAKE FRIENDS........A PRISON WIFE CAN'T.  SHE REMAINS FAITHFUL TO HER HUSBAND, AND MAKING NEW FRIENDS IS DIFFICULT.  THE OLD FRIENDS YOU ONCE HAD AS A COUPLE TURN AGAINST YOU.  WE HAD FRIENDS AND FAMILY MEMBERS WHO WAITED FOR THE DAY JIMMY WENT TO JAIL, AND THEY STARTED CALLING ME ON THE PHONE, TELLING ME HOW "HORRIBLE" MY HUSBAND WAS...........I DIDN'T WANT O HEAR IT, AND I REFUSE TO LISTEN TO THEIR TWISTED TALES....YOU SEE, THEY WAITED FOR JIMMY TO BE LOCKED AWAY IN A PLACE WHERE HE COULD NOT GET OUT , AND THEY STARTED "TORTURING"  MY MIND.  AND SO, LIKE THE REST OF THE PRISON WIVES, I TOO, LIVED IN FEAR, BEHIND CLOSED DOORS.........PEOPLE THAT WERE ONCE NICE TO ME, WERE ACTUALLY TORTURING ME WITH THEIR WORDS..........AND I FOUND OUT, THIS WAS THE CASE WITH MOST PRISON WIVES.................SOME FRIENDS HAD PROMISED JIMMY THAT THEY WOULD "LOOK AFTER ME," WHEN HE WAS AWAY.......I HAD ONE PERSON, SAY, "I WILL ALWAYS BE YOUR FRIEND WHEN JIMMY GOES TO PRISON.  CALL ME IF YOU NEED ANYTHING."....SHE LATER CHANGED, AND FORGOT ALL HER PROMISES.  OTHERS, WHO SAID THEY WOULD HELP ME WITH THE SHOPPING, AS I COULDN'T DRIVE DUE TO MY EYESIGHT, WELL SOME HELPED IN THE BEGINNING, AND THEN LATER STOPPED, BECAUSE WHEN MONTHS START TURNING INTO YEARS IT CAN JUST BE TOO MUCH FOR PEOPLE TO HANDLE........

THERE ARE SO MANY ISSUES HERE.  ANOTHER TIME, I WILL TELL YOU MORE THINGS ABOUT BEING A PRISON WIFE. 

THE KITCHEN AT KINTOCK

MY HUSBAND NOT ONLY LOVES TO COOK, HE LOVES TO CLEAN!....AND SO, AS HE COOKS IN THE KITCHEN AT KINTOCK, HE KEEPS EVERYTHING SPOTLESSLY CLEAN!....THAT IS MY HUSBAND FOR YOU!...WHAT A MAN!....HE IS TRUTHFULLY EVERY WOMAN;S "DREAM COME TRUE!"....COOKING AND CLEANING!....AND HE EVEN SHOPS!....I'M THE LUCKY ONE, AS I GOT TO MARRY HIM, (although jimmy always says it's the other way around,he got to marry me!)......THAT IS ONE ASPECT OF OUR MARRIAGE....WE ALWAYS FIND HUMOUROUS THINGS TO SAY TO EACH OTHER...SOMEHOW THE HUMOR DOESN'T MAKE THINGS SEEM SO BAD!.....................AND SO, JIMMY JUST CAN'T WAIT TO GET HOME SO HE CAN START CLEANING!.....MOPPING THE FLOORS, SHAMPOOING THE RUGS....OH WHAT A GREAT TIME HE CAN HAVE HERE!  I'll MAKE SURE I HAVE PLENTY OF CLEANING PRODUCTS HERE WHEN HE GETS HOME, SO HE CAN HAVE A JOLLY GOOD TIME!..........HE MAY EVEN BE A FEW LBS. LIGHTER WHEN HE RETURNS TO KINTOCK, FROM ALL THE WORK!.......HOWEVER, HE DOES ASSURE ME HE HAS SOME OTHER BUSINESS TO SETTLE WITH ME FIRST, WHEN HE GETS HOME.....(smile)......

  JIMMY COOKED MEATLOAF THE OTHER DAY , USING TURKEY MEAT........I USED TO MAKE KOFTA....WHICH WERE INDIAN MEATBALLS, USING TURKEY MEAT AND INDIAN SPICES, AND THEY WERE ALWAYS VERY GOOD.  MY HUSBAND KNEW ABOUT THIS RECIPE OF MINE, SO HE ADDED SOME MEXICAN TACO SPICE MIX TO THE MEATLOAF, AND THE GUYS JUST LOVED IT!....IT MAKES ME SO HAPPY, THAT JIMMY CAN MAKE OTHERS HAPPY THROUGH HIS COOKING!............I AM ALWAYS SO PROUD OF MY HUSBAND!............................................WHEN JIMMY FIRST WENT AWAY TO PRISON, I TOLD HIM ,"JIMMY, I AM SO PROUD OF YOU, THAT YOU DID THE RIGHT THING AND TURNED YOURSELF IN.....AND I AM PROUD TO BE YOUR WIFE."  ....."FRAN, " HE RESPONDED, HOW CAN YOU BE PROUD OF A MAN WHO HAS COMMITTED A CRIME?".......I REASSURED HIM I LOVED HIM, AND THAT WAS ALL THERE WAS TO IT.............HE REPEATED THOSE WORDS BACK TO ME MANY TIMES WHILE HE WAS INCARCERATED......TO ME, I LOVE HIM UNCONDITIONALLY, AND I KNOW THAT HE IS NOW ON THE RIGHT PATH OF LIFE..............TO ME , HE ALWAYS SAYS, "YOU CAN DO NO WRONG."..............AND SO, THAT'S WHAT LOVE IS ALL ABOUT!

  TODAY I CALLED NEW YORK TO FIND OUT WHICH ISSUE OF "TRUE STORY" MAGAZINE MY STORY WAS PUBLISHED IN...."MIRACLE OF FAITH."  I FOUND OUT IT CAME OUT IN THE NOVEMBER  2004 ISSUE.  I WAS IN THE HOSPITALAT THE TIME, SO WAS UNABLE TO GET IT.  THE WOMAN I SPOKE TO WAS SO NICE AND WILL BE SENDING ME SEVERAL COPIES....THE STORY IS ABOUT WHEN JIMMY LOST HIS WEDDING BAND WHILE SHOVELING SNOW AT BAYSIDE LAST YEAR.......IN THE SPRING, AN INMATE, WHO WAS DOING GARDENING WORK, FOUND HIS RING NEAR A BUSH, IN BROAD DAYLIGHT.......JUST THAT MORNING, JIMMY HAD SPOKEN TO GOD IN HIS PRAYERS, AND TOLD GOD HE WAS GOING TO STOP PRAYING, AS THINGS JUST WEREN'T GOING AS WELL AS HE PLANNED....AND SO, THE RING WAS A SIGN FROM ABOVE...IT RESTORED JIMMY AND MY FAITH IN GOD AND WE CONTINUED TO PRAY AND HAVE FAITH............

  THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING MY JOURNAL, AND I APPRECIATE ANY COMMENTS YOU MAY HAVE......PRISON WIVES, I KNOW YOU ARE READING THIS, SO PLEASE LET ME KNOW WHAT IS ON YOUR MIND....................................

I'D LIKE TO REPEAT THIS QUOTE AGAIN, WHICH I BELIEVE IS FROM ST. FRANCIS ASSISSI.........."SEARCH FOR YOUR OWN PRISON, SO THAT YOU MAY FIND FREEDOM."

...........................................FRAN........................

OUR LOVE GROWS STRONGER WITH EACH PASSING DAY

OUR LOVE GROWS STRONGER WITH EACH PASSING DAY....EACH PASSING MOMENT.  WHEN JIMMY LEFT THIS HOUSE ON FRIDAY MORNING, MARCH 28, 2003,  TO GO TO COURT (TO TURN HIMSELF INTO OCEAN COUNTY JAIL) , FOR THE CRIME HE HAD COMMITTED, WE WERE STILL IN A STATE OF INFATUATION.  IS THAT POSSIBLE, FOR 2 PEOPLE OF OUR AGE? (i am now 51, and jimmy is 49).....YES, LET ME TELL YOU, IT IS POSSIBLE.  WE HAD BEEN MARRIED 2 YEARS AT THE TIME HE WENT TO JAIL.....AND YES, I WAS HAVING "RIPPLES" AND "CHILLS" THROUGHOUT MY BODY, WHEN I WAS ANYWHERE NEAR JIMMY...WHEN I LOOKED AT HIM, OR EVEN JUST THOUGHT OF HIM.  JIMMY TOLD ME HE HAD THE SAME SENSATIONS WHEN HE LOOKED AT ME.  IN THE 2 YEARS BEFORE JIMMY LEFT THIS HOUSE, WE WERE NEVER APART....I WAS AT HIS SIDE AT ALL TIMES.

22 MONTHS LATER, OUR LOVE HAS GROWN EVEN STRONGER AND DEEPER. ....IS IT POSSIBLE FOR LOVE TO GROW EVEN STRONGER, SEPERATED BY PRISON WALLS?  YES, IT IS.  AND WE PROVE IT.

JIMMY AND I STAY CONNECTED....THE TELEPHONE IS AN IMPORTANT PART OF OUR RELATIONSHIP.  HE WAKES ME UP EACH DAY BETWEEN 11 AM AND 12N....THEN HE'LL SAY, "I'LL CALL YOU NEXT AT 3:30....HIS CALLS COME IN EVERY 3 TO 4 HOURS.  I CARRY MY CELL PHONE WHEN SHOPPING, AND HE CALLS ME IN THE STORES, TOO..(WE'RE ABLE TO USE THE CELL PHONE IN THE HALF-WAY HOUSE, NOT IN THE PRISON)....HIS LAST CALLS COME IN DURING THE EVENING....IF I'M UPSET ABOUT SOMETHING, HE CALLS ME CONTINUOSLY THROUGHOUT THE DAY.

AND SO, WE STAY CONNECTED AT ALL TIMES.  HOWEVER, IT IS NOT JUST THE PHONE...IT IS OUR "THOUGHTS."........EVEN OUR DREAMS..........SOMETIMES AT NITE WHEN WE SLEEP, WE MEET EACH OTHER IN OUR SLEEP...WE DREAM OF EACH OTHER....WE HAVE SIMILAR DREAMS...WE COMPARE NOTES....I FEEL JIMMY'S PRESENCE ALL OVER ME...HE FEELS ME WITH HIM, TOO, AT ALL TIMES.  ONE NIGHT, I FELT JIMMY COME INTO THE BEDROOM, AND I FELT HIM SIT ON THE BED...I FELT THR BED MOVE...I KNEW HE WAS THERE.  BEFORE JIMMY LEFT HOME FOR JAIL, WE MADE AN AGREEMENT.......TO ALWAYS STAY CONNECTED, NO MATTER WHAT, NO MATTER WHERE WE WERE, AT ALL TIMES....THROUGH OUR THOUGHTS.  I KNOW IT SOUNDS STRANGE, BUT IT IS POSSIBLE!

I LOVE MY HUSBAND SO MUCH....HE IS A WONDERFUL MAN, IN SO MANY WAYS!...............AND OUR LOVE HAS ONLY GROWN STRONGER, DESPITE PRISON WALLS.....AND OUR MARRIAGE HAS GROWN DEEPER AND DEEPER, STRONGER AND STRONGER....IT HAS GROWN AND PROGRESSED.........IT HAS BECOME "MULTI-DIMENSIONAL."  IT'S HARD TO EXPLAIN.  LOVE WAS ALWAYS THERE, BUT NOW IT IS EVEN MORE CEMENTED THEN EVER BEFORE...................IT IS BONDED WITH A ROPE OF STEEL..........................

THANK YOU FOR READING MY JOURNAL.  .........

....................FRAN, THE WIFE OF A PRISONER

life goes on

FOR ME, LIFE GOES ON....IT'S KIND OF A LAZY SORT OF DAY....IT SNOWED TODAY, BUT THE SUN SHINED BRIGHTLY AFTERWARDS, AND EVERYTHING MELTED.  HOWEVER, IT IS JUST TOO COLD FOR ME TO EVEN VENTURE OUT OF THE HOUSE....I TOLD JIMMY, 'I WILL NOT GO OUT OF THE HOUSE UNTIL THE SPRING.".....AT LEAST NOT UNTIL MARCH.......I DON'T LIKE THE COLD AND SNOW, AND THERE ARE NO 2 WAYS ABOUT IT...THAT IS WHY I MOVED TO A WARM CLIMATE STATE.... ONLY TO MARRY A MAN WHO BROUGHT ME RIGHT BACK TO THE SNOW!......FUNNY THING, EVERY WINTER, FOR THE PAST 3 YEARS OF LIVING HERE, I GO THROUGH THIS......I REFUSE TO CHANGE UNTIL I CAN GET BACK TO THE SOUTHWEST DESERT................AND SO, BEING A STUBBORN PERSON, I WILL STAY INSIDE UNTIL THE SPRING, AND I WILL SURVIVE...WITH MY PETS, WITH THE WARM HEAT ON, DRINKING CUPS OF TEA, AND COCOA, AND WEARING MY COZY SWEATER..........I MADE SURE I STOCKED THE HOUSE WITH LOTS OF GROCERIES LAST WEEK....AND OF COURSE PET FOOD.....10 LB. BAGS OF DRY CAT FOOD....DOG FOOD AND AND AROUND 80 CANS OF CAT FOOD........ONE THING I KNOW, MY PETS JUST LOVE TO EAT!

JIMMY CALLED ME TWICE TODAY....LIFE MOVES SLOW FOR HIM, AS IT DOES FOR ME....HIS JOB STILL HASN'T STARTED.........THERE ARE SEVERAL GUYS WHOSE JOBS HAVEN'T STARTED YET EITHER.  EVERYONE IS BECOMING FRUSTRATED.  WHAT CAN WE ALL DO?  NOTHING.  IT IS CALLED BEING "HELPLESS," AND PART OF THE SYSTEM.  SO, WE PATIENTLY WAIT.  WE PUT OUR HOPES ON OUR WEDDING ANNIVERSARY, APRIL 29, THAT JIMMY WILL BE HOME ON A WEEK-END FURLOUGH, AND WE CAN CELEBRATE OUR ANNIVERSAY TOGETHER.

JIMMY AND I TALK ABOUT MOVIES I WATCH AT HOME...IN THE EVENING I LIKE TO TRY AND WATCH A FEW MOVIES AT NIGHT...WE HAVE DIGITAL CABLE, SO WE HAVE ALL THE CABLE STATIONS  (there is a total of over 700 stations now on digital)...I KEEP A LIST OF THE MOVIES I SEE, AND TELL HIM ABOUT THEM.  SOME OF MY RECENT FAVORITE ONES ARE. "IN THE CUT." (i've seen it about 12 times!)...IT'S ABOUT A SCHOOLTEACHER AND HER RELATIONSHIP WITH A DETECTIVE, AS HE SEARCHES FOR A SERIAL KILLER.  ANOTHER FAVORITE MOVIE OF MINE IS, "SECRETARY." (watched it about 5 times...IT'S ABOUT A SUBMISSIVE SECRETARY AND HER RELATIONSHIP WITH HER BOSS..........................JIMMY HAS TOLD THE GUYS IN THE HALF-WAY HOUSE ABOUT THESE 2 MOVIES, AND THEY ARE TRYING TO FIND OUT IF SOMEONEHAS RENTED IT, OTHERWISE THEY WILL BE RENTING THEM IN A FEW WEEKS.......THE GUYS SEEM TO ESPECIALLY LIKE "IN THE CUT, ' AND MEG RYAN STARS IN IT...IN THIS MOVIE, MEG RYAN DOES NOT PLAY HER USUAL GOOD-GIRL ROLE.....TRY AND SEE IT IF YOU GET A CHANCE!.........

HAS ANYONE BEEN WATCHING "DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES?"...I LIKE IT...IT'S SOMETHING A LITTLE DIFFERENT......I ESPECIALLY LIKED THE HUSBAND WHO IS ON "HOUSE ARREST,"  AND HIS WIFE SAT ON THE CURB, IN FRONT OF HIM EATING "HIS" BUCKET OF FRIED CHICKEN....HE WAS JUST DYING FOR THAT CHICKEN....EVERY TIME HE STEPPED NEAR TO THE CURB, THE ELECTRONIC BUZZER WENT OFF.......THAT WIFE WAS BEING SO MEAN TO HER HUSBAND1....POOR GUY!

WHEN JIMMY WAS HOME, HE'D TAKE ME TO THE MOVIES ALL THE TIME....WE SAW JUST ABOUT EVERY NEW AND LATEST MOVIE AT THE TIME......MY HUSBAND IS ONE TO BE THERE ON OPENING NGHTS, TOO.............HE IS A BIG FAN OF STARWARS, HARRY POTTER, SPIDERMAN..........GOT TO RUN....JIMMY JUST CALLED ME ON MY CELL, WHICH IS RUNNING LOW, AND HE'LL CALL ME IN 5 MINUTES ON THE HOUSE PHONE................FRAN

A HAPPY OCCASION!

I HAD THE INTERVIEW WITH THE NEWSPAPER REPORTER LAST WEDNESDAY, AND ALL WENT WELL!  WE MET AT MY SISTER'S HOUSE, BECAUSE PRINCE WILL NOT LET ANYONE EVEN WALK IN FRONT OF THE HOUSE, NO LESS COME INTO THE HOUSE!....HE BARKS SO MUCH, AND GETS AGITATED WHEN ANYONE IS NEAR TO ME.......

THE INTERVIEW TOOK 1.5 HOURS, AND A PHOTOGRAPER WAS THERE TO SNAP MY PIX....I HOPE YOU WILL ALL READ THE STORY WHEN IT COMES OUT...IT WILL MOST LIKELY BE IN THE SUNDAY EDITION OF THE ASBURY PARK PRESS....FEBRUARY 6, 2005.......UNDER "CROSSROADS" or "TURNING POINT.".....IT CAN BE READ ON-LINE, TOO.

ALL WENT WELL, AND I FELT HONORED AND BLESSED TO HAVE SUCH AN INTERVIEW.  I'M GLAD THEY LIKED MY STORY....

  JIMMY STILL HASN'T STARTED HIS JOB AT THE DELI....FOR ME, THE TIME SIMPLY DRAGS ON......EVERYDAY HE TELLS ME...."HOPEFULLY TOMORROW.".......ONE DAY, THE ENTIRE PLACE WAS QUARENTINED....ANOTHER DAY, THE WEATHER WAS NO GOOD.........AND SO, TIME MOVES ON......I FEEL VERY EMOTIONAL ABOUT ALL THIS, BUT WHAT CAN I DO?  NOTHING, BUT SIT AND WAIT.  UNTIL HE STARTS THE JOB, HE CAN'T START HIS WEEK-END FURLOUGHS HOME....AND AT THAT, IT WILL STILL BE WEEKS AFTER THE JOB STARTS........SO NOW, I'M HOPING FOR THE SPRING....BECAUSE TIME STANDS STILL FOR NO MAN...........................LOVE, FRAN

MY THOUGHTS

I JUST LOVE THIS JOURNAL...I LOVE SHARING MY INNER THOUGHTS WITH YOU......"THE ME THAT NOBODY KNOWS."................AND I ESPECIALLY LOVE ALL OF YOU, MY READER'S, WHO EITHER STOP BY ON A WHIM TO SEE WHAT I HAVE TO SAY, AND ALL OF YOU WHO HAVE FOLLOWED THIS JOURNAL FROM THE START, OVER A YEAR AGO...............I KNOW THAT MY THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS ARE MINE, BUT I KNOW THEY BELONG TO YOU, TOO.  YOU SEE, WHAT I WRITE IS WHAT EVERYONE IDENTIFIES WITH...........YOU NEED NOT BE A PRISONER'S WIFE....YOU CAN BE ANYONE TO IDENTIFY WITH THIS JOURNAL..........WE ALL HAVE EMOTIONS AND THOUGHTS......WE ALL HAVE SOME SORT OF PROBLEM, WHETHER IT BE BIG OR SMALL...........THAT IS JUST HOW THE WORLD IS...............AND SO WE GIVE A LITTLE BIT OF OURSELVES TO OTHERS........AND THEN, LIFE DOESN'T SEEM ALL THAT BAD AFTER-ALL!

  EVERYTHING IN LIFE IS EITHER A BLESSING OR A CURSE.  IT IS SIMPLY HOW WE LOOK AT IT, AND HOW WE "CHOOSE" TO LOOK AT IT.  I LOST MY EYESIGHT EXACTLY ONE YEAR AFTER I MARRIED JIMMY.  AT THE AGE OF 48, I HAD TO STOP WORKING AS A NURSE.  I HAD TO GIVE UP A CAREER AND PROFESSION THAT I HAD WORKED IN FOR 28 YEARS........I WAS A YOUNG WOMAN, 20 YEARS OLD, WHEN I FIRST BECAME AN RN...I WENT RIGHT OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL (HERE IN NEW JERSEY), AND WENT TO COLLEGE AND BECAME AN RN WITH AN ASSOCIATE DEGREE.  THEN I PROGRESSED TO A BSN, AND LATER A MASTER'S .  WHAT I'M SAYING IS, I WAS VERY YOUNG.....I WAS A NURSE MY WHOLE LIFE....IT WAS LIKE SECOND NATURE TO ME....I LOVED DOING IT....I WAS PART OF THE HEALING PROCESS OF THE PERSON.  I GOT SO MANY THANK-YOU'S THROUGH THE YEARS...IT IS ALMOST INCREDIBLE TO THINK OF JUST HOW MANY PEOPLE I WAS PART OF FOR ALL THOSE YEARS OF NURSING....IT WAS REALLY AN HONOR TO BE PART OF THE HEALING PROCESS OF THOSE PEOPLE THROUGH THE YEARS.AND , THEN, I HAD TO SUDDENLY STOP WORKING.  FOR SOME IT WOULD BE A DREAM COME TRUE TO BE ABLE TO RETIRE AT THE AGE OF 48!........AS FOR ME, I ALWAYS THOUGHT I'D CONTINUE WORKING AS AN RN FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.............BUT FATE HAD SOMETHING ELSE IN STORE FOR ME!..........................IN THE WEEKS AFTER I WAS FIRST TERMED "LEGALLY BLIND,"  I LAY IN BED, IN LAS VEGAS, CRYING, IN A DARK ROOM.  I DIDN'T WANT THE BLINDS AND CURTAINS OPEN.  I DIDN'T WANT THE SUN TO SHINE INTO THE ROOM.  WHEN I DID GET UP, I'D SIT AROUND, WITH THE TV ON....NOT LOOKING AT IT.  I COULDN'T CARE LESS...I  COULDN'T SEE IT CLEARLY...WHAT WAS THE SENSE OF EVEN TRYING?   I WAS VERY DEPRESSED....AS MOST ARE WHEN THEIR VISION BEGINS TO FAIL....................WELL, ONE DAY, JIMMY CAME UPSTAIRS TO THE BEDROOM, WHERE I LAY IN BED.  HE CAME TO ME, AND SAID IN A STRICT SORT OF VOICE, "FRAN, I AM NOT GOING TO HAVE A WIFE WHO LAYS AROUND ALL DAY FEELING SORRY FOR HERSELF.  THERE ARE THINGS YOU CAN STILL DO.  THIS IS NOT THE END OF THE WORLD.  I AM YOUR HUSBAND, AND TOGETHER WE WILL EXPLORE AVENUES OF THINGS YOU CAN DO .  I REFUSE TO HAVE A WIFE WHO LAYS IN BED ALL DAY, AND WILL NOT TRY.  LOOK AT HELEN KELLER, ALL THE WONDERFUL THINGS SHE ACCOMPLISHED.  YOU ARE YOUNG, FRAN, AND STILL HAVE MUCH TO GIVE THE WORLD."  THEN HE PHYSICALLY LIFTED ME OUT OF THE BED AND SAT ME IN A CHAIR NEXT TO THE BED.  .........AND THEN WE STARTED TALKING ABOUT THINGS I COULD START DOING.............AND EVERYDAY, WE TALKED ABOUT THIS.......AND WE EXPLORED.........AND I STARTED LEARNING NEW WAYS TO USE MY BODY..........I LEARNED TO USE MY EARS, MORE THAN I AHD EVER DONE.  AND SO WHEN I SAT NEAR THE TV, I LEARNED TO RELY ON MY HEARING THE TV SHOW.  JIMMY BOUGHT ME A BIG TV SCREEN, AND A BIG COMPUTER SCREEN, SO IT WAS EASIER FOR ME.  I LEARNED TO REALIZE AND ACCEPT THAT I WAS NOT SEEING THE EXACT PARTICULARS OF EVERYTHING.....I COULDN'T SEE THE LITTLE DOTS, AND SMALL THINGS......................BUT MY QUESTION, 'ARE THOSE SMALL THINGS REALLY IMPORTANT TO SEE?"...........I STARTED SAYING ,"SO WHAT?".............AND SO I PROGRESSED, LEARNING AND TEACHING MYSELF TO USE MY BODY AS BEST I CAN................I KNOW MY READER'S REALIZE THAT EVEN THOUGH THIS IS  A BIG SCREEN, THE WORDS AND LETTERS ARE STILL VERY BLURRY....LETTERS KEEP RUNNING INTO EACH OTHER, AND I CAN BARELY SEE THE PUNCTUATION MARKS........BUT I KNOW YOU FORGIVE ME, FOR NOT BEING PERFECT!........WELCOME TO MY WORLD, AND EVERYBODY'S WORLD, LOL...."THE WORLD OF IMPERFECTION!".........I AM LUCKY, AS I CAN STILL READ A LITTLE WITH MY LEFT EYE, BUT I HAVE TO KEEP MY RIGHT EYE CLOSED DUE TO DISTORTION DUE TO MACULAR PROBLEMS IN THE RIGHT EYE, AND HOLD THE PAGE 1 INCH FROM MY LEFT EYE.  I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN AN AVID READER.  I READ ONE WORD AT A TIME, AND CAN NO LONGER SCAN, AS I ALWAYS DID.  IN THE DOCTOR'S REPORT, HE SAYS I AM UNABLE TO READ OR DRIVE, SO I THINK EVEN HE IS  A LITTLE PUZZLED JUST HOW I READ SO MUCH.  HE SAYS THE READING STRENGTHENS MY EYE. I AM WORKING DOUBLY HARDER TO SEE, AND GET TIRED EASILY AND FASTER THAN MOST PEOPLE.....ALSO, LITERATURE SAYS THAT IT TAKES A PERSON AROUND 1 YEAR TO ADJUST THEIIR LIFE TO THE LOSS OF EYESIGHT.  THE MAIN QUESTION, IS IF THEY WANT TO.

  I MUST INCLUDE, THAT SOON AFTER , I STARTED SINGING...AND TAPING MYSELF...I LOVE MUSIC, AND WITH MY EARS HAVE TRAINED MYSELF TO LISTEN TO THE BEAT, RYTHM, AND EACH INSTRUEMENT.  I LOVE TO LISTEN FOR THE DRUMS IN A SONG!......ONE DAY I WILL LEARN TO PLAY THE DRUMS, AND MAYBE THE KEYBOARD........WHEN JIMMY RETURNS, HE WILL TAKE ME TO KARAOKE CONTESTS!.......IN THOSE DAYS AND MONTHS WHEN I LOST MY EYESIGHT, JIMMY TOOK ME OUT EVERYDAY....FOR RIDES IN THE AFTERNOON....LUNCH...DINNER....SHOPPING....CASINOS...EVERYTHING AND EVERYWHERE.........HE DID NOT WANT A RECLUSIVE WIFE...HE WAS WITH ME EVERY STEP OF THE WAY, BECAUSE THERE WERE ENDLESS EYE DOCTOR VISITS....AND I AHHATED THOSE BRIGHT LIGHTS THE DOCTORS WPULD SHINE INTO MY EYES......THEY WOULD BE LOOKING AND LOOKING INTO MY EYES WITH LIGHTS....HUMORESSLY I WONDERED TO MYSELF JUST WHAT THEY WERE LOOKING FOR.........AND JIMMY WAS NEXT TO ME, BECAUSE I WOULD ALMOST BE CLIMBING OUT OF THE CHAIR....I AM ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE THAT CAN'T STAND ANYONE TOUCING MY EYES..........AND THEN THE LASER SURGERIES...THE LASER BEAMS CUTTING INTO MY EYES.......SO PETRIFIED,  I COULD FEEL LARGE BEADS OF SWEAT COMING OUT OF MY BACK.....AND JIMMY WOULD HAVE TO HOLD ME DOWN AS I WAS EXAMINED........I'M GLAD THE INITAL PHASE IS OVER!..............AND SO, THE WORLD IS A BEAUTIFUL PLACE, IF YOU SO CHOOSE IT TO BE!.........................I CHOOSE TO REGARD MY EYESIGHT AS A "BLESSING,"  INSTEAD OF A CURSE!

  EVEN JIMMY'S GOING TO PRISON IS A BLESSING, FOR US BOTH.  THIS TIME FOR ME ALONE HAS ALLOWED ME TO WRITE........TO PURGE MY THOUGHTS..........TO THINK OF THINGS TO WRITE, AND ACTUALLY DO IT.  I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE A WRITER, SINCE CHILDHOOD.........BUT IT WAS ONLY A DREAM......NEVER ENOUGH TIME......NEVER DISCIPLINED, ALWAYS BUSY WORKING...BUSY DOING THIS AND THAT!........AND NOW, HERE I AM , A RETIRED NURSE, ABLE TO WRITE.........WHAT CAN BE MORE PERFECT!

  SORRY THAT I'M GOING ON AND ON HERE!.....SO MANY THOUGHTS ARE FLOWING OUT OF ME TODAY!

THANKS FOR READING MY JOURNAL, AND PLEASE LEAVE YOUR COMMENTS...I JUST LOVE TO READ THEM!

LOVE, FRAN....................A PRISONER'S WIFE STORY SHOULD COME OUT IN THE FEBRUAR

CROSSROADS

AT 10 AM TODAY, I WAS AWOKEN FROM SLEEP BY A TELEPHONE CALL FROM THE LOCAL NEWSPAPER...."THE ASBURY PARK PRESS."  I WAS SHOCKED!....THEY WANT TO PUBLISH A STORY I WROTE IN NOVEMBER , ABOUT A CROSSROAD IN MY LIFE.  TRUTHFULLY, I SENT THE STORY IN ON A WHIM, AND THOUGHT THEY WOULD NEVER PUBLISH IT.  HOWEVER, I WAS WRONG!  THEY LOVED THE STORY!

THE STORY IS ABOUT JIMMY AND I MEETING IN A CHATROOM, WHILE I LIVED IN VEGAS....HOW WE MET, AND MARRIED RIGHT AWAY.  HOW ONE YEAR LATER I LOST MY EYESIGHT, AND THEN HAD TO PICK MYSELF UP, LEAVE BEHIND THE HOME I OWNED, AND THE FRIENDS I KNEW IN VEGAS, SINCE I HAD LIVED THERE FOR OVER 10 YEARS, AND COME OUT HERE TO JERSEY. 

THE WOMAN FROM THE NEWSPAPER WANTS TO INTERVIEW ME IN PERSON, SO ON WEDNESDAY WE WILL MEET.  SHE WILL HAVE A PHOTOGRAPHER COME ALONG TO TAKE MY PICTURES.....CAN YO BELIEVE THIS!....I'M REALLY A SHY KIND OF PERSON, AND CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING.....I THINK THE STORY AND PIX ARE A FULL PAGE FEATURE WHICH IS IN THE SUNDAY EDITION.  I'LL LET YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS, AND WHEN IT WILL BE IN THE NEWSPAPER, SO YOU CAN CHECK IT OUT ON THE INTERNET.

  TODAY I PUT TOGETHER AN ALBUM OF EVERYTHING I HAVE GOTTEN PUBLISHED....IT INCLUDES MAGAZINE STORIES, NEWSPAPER ARTICLES AND LETTERS TO THE EDITOR, POEMS, HAIKU'S................IT IS REALLY QUITE A LOT OF THINGS I HAVE GOTTEN ACCOMPLISHED SINCE JIMMY HAS BEEN AWAY.................

  SOON JIMMY WILL BE COMING HOME.....I JUST CAN'T WAIT........I DAYDREAM ABOUT HIM ALL THE TIME...AS HE DOES ABOUT ME.

  I SENT HIM MY PANTIES AND NYLON STOCKINGS IN AN ENVELOPE THE OTHER DAY..........WELL, LET ME TELL YOU, HE IS THE TALK OF THE PLACE, AS HE HAS TO OPEN LARGE ENVELOPES AT THE MAIN DESK, AND EVERYBODY GOT TO SEE IT!.............LOL............IT'S OK WITH US.......WE ARE FUN PEOPLE............EVERYONE IS JOKING ABOUT IT!..........OH YEAH!....LIKE WE ARE NOT REAL YOUNG IN TODAY'S STANDARDS....LIKE IT'S KIND OF SHOCKING THAT WE ARE SO SEXUALLY ACTIVE WITH EACH OTHER......LET ME TELL YOU, WE BEAT ANYONE, AS FAR AS SEX IS CONCERNED, AND NOT AFRAID TO ADMIT IT...........I LIKE KEEPING THOSE FEMALE HORMONES FLOWING THROUGH ME........IT'S VERY HEALTHY........!!!!...MY HUSBAND IS A BIG TURN-ON!

SO ALL YOU PRISON WIVES, DO A LITTLE SOMETHING TO KEEP YOUR HUSBAND EXCITED WHILE HE'S AWAY!...SEND HIM YOUR NYLONS!

GOTTA GO NOW, SO I CAN DREAM OF JIMMY!......

                                                         LOVE,

                                                            FRAN

p.s......i'm kinda nervous about wednesday and the interview.  i'll try to maintain my cool, and act naturally, just like i am........i'm a natural woman!....no airs or put ons!...

pss......my favorite show on tv is "DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES."....on SUNDAY NITE.......have you seen it?