LIFE WITHOUT A HUSBAND IS DIFFICULT......YOU ARE MARRIED, AND YET YOU DON'T HAVE A HUSBAND.....THERE IS NOTHING HE CAN DO IF YOU NEED HIM...HE IS LOCKED AWAY IN A PLACE, WHERE IT IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO HELP YOU.....IT IS A VERY TERRIBLE SITUATION, AND ONLY THOSE WOMEN WHEO ARE GOING THROUGH IT, CAN REALLY UNDERSTAND.....WHERE IS OUR PLACE IN LIFE?....IT IS ACTUALLY NO WHERE....WE ARE NO ONE AND NOTHING...EVEN IF HIS WIFE DIES, A HUSBAND IS NOT ALLOWED OUT OF THE PRISON TO SEE HER.....HE IS HELPLESS IN ALL SITUATIONS.....HE MAY BE THE STRONGEST MAN ON EARTH, BUT IN A SITUATION WHERE HE IS LOCKED UP, HE IS HELPLESS IN ALL SITUATIONS..............
AND SO, I SIT HERE, ALONE, AND FEELING DEPRESSED...BECAUSE JIMMY IS NOT HERE TO HELP ME THROUGH SOME VERY IMPORTANT SITUATIONS.....HE IS HELPLESS, AND I AM HELPLESS....
I HAVE WRITTEN THIS JOURNAL FOR 10 MONTHS...AND I AM STILL IN THE SAME SITUATION. THOSE OF YOU WHJO ARE NOT IN MY SITUATION, HAVE GONE THROUGH LIFE IN A NORMAL WAY.....I HAVE NOT......YOU SEE, I LIVE IN A STATE OF "SUSPENDED ANIMATION."...I LIVE IN A PLACE THAT REALLY DOESN'T EXIST....SOMETHING LIKE CYBERSPACE......IT IS REALLY VERY STRANGE......I LIVE IN A DIMENSION OF TIME, THAT IS NOT THE REAL TIME AND PLACE THAT PEOPLE KNOW......I AM LIKE A SPIRIT....I LIVE IN BETWEEN THE FOLDS OF TIME.....THERE IS NO TIME FOR ME.......AND NO PLACE.....
AND EVEN THOUGH JIMMY HAS BEEN GONE FOR 18 MONTHS, I AM STILL IN THE SAME SPOT I WAS IN 18 MONTHS AGO.....I DO NOT PROGRESSS....I DO NOT CHANGE, AND I AM NOT PART OF THIS WORLD.......I KNOW IT MAY SEEM STRANGE, WHAT I AM SAYING, BUT ONLY THOSE PRISON WIVES GOING THROUGH THIS, WITH ME, WHO HAVE REMAINED FAITHFUL TO THEIR HUSBANDS, WITH LITTLE OR NO OUTSIDE SUPPORT, CAN TRULY UNDERSTAND......
I KNOW I AM SANE, BUT I HAVE MY SPURTS OF INSANITY, WHICH I TURN INWARD......RIGHT THIS MOMENT, I FEEL LIKE I AM NOTHING....NO ONE.....NO PLACE IN LIFE.....IT IS ALL SO SCARY.....THE ONLY CRIME I COMMITTED IS A FELL IN LOVE WITH A MAN...A MAN WHO HAD COMMITTED A CRIME BEFORE HE EVEN KNEW ME.....
AND HERE, WE ONCE AGAIN GO INTO AUTUMN. AND ALL THE HOLIDAYS ARE ONCE AGAIN AT OUR DOORSTEP....AND THE WORLD WILL NOT LEAVE THE DEPRESSED PEOPLE ALONE......THOSE OF US WHO DO NOT WANTTO THINK ABOUT HOLIDAYS.......THE WORLD TORTURES US.....THOSE THAT WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE......I DO NOT PUT HOLIDAYS DOWN....I LOVE HOLIDAYS...THEY ARE WONDERFUL ....WE NORMALLY CELEBRATE EACH AND EVERY ONE...WE EVEN HAVE A WHOLE ROOM OF STORAGE FOR CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS....BUT THERE IS A TIME AND PLACE FOR EVERYTHING....
AND SO, TODAY, I GO WITHIN MYSELF....THERE IS NO END TO THIS "PLACE IN TIME" CALLED PRISON.....I HOPE IT WILL ALL BE OVER SOON, SO WE CAN CONTINUE WITH LIFE. YOU SEE, I'M JUST VERY TIRED OF NOT BEING PART OF LIFE....I AM ONE WHO NORMALLY LOVES LIFE...I USUALLY GO HERE, AND DO THIS.....BUT WITH A HUSBAND IN PRISON, EVERYTHING IN LIFE SEEMS USELESS...........AND SO FOR THE PAST 18 MONTHS, I REMAIN "SUSPENDED IN TIME," AND WILL DO SO, UNTIL HE IS RELEASED.