HI EVERYONE!
I SAW JIMMY ON WEDNESDAY, MAY 25, 2005, ON HIS 50TH BIRTHDAY. IT WAS WONDERFUL TO SEE HIM....LAST TIME WE SAW EACH OTHER WAS AT KINTOCK , ON CHRISTMAS DAY...THAT IS 5 MONTHS AGO.....AND SO, WE FOLLOWED THE RULES AND DID NOT DEVIATE. WE DID EXACTLY AS INSTRUCTED. WE MET AT A CLOTHING WAREHOUSE STORE IN VINELAND, THAT IS APPROVED BY KINTOCK. JIMMY, ACCORDING TO THE RULES IS NOT EVEN ALLOWED TO SIT IN THE CAR...AND HE DIDN'T. WE MET FOR 1 HOUR, 15 MINUTES....BECAUSE HE HAD TO START WALKING TO THE BUS STOP AND FIRST CALL KINTOCK, THAT HE IS ON HIS WAY BACK. HE SHOWED ME THE PAPER GIVEN TO HIM, WITH INSTRUCTIONS FOR EACH MINUTE AND HOUR....WHAT HE IS TO DO. TRUTHFULLY, I NEVER MET MY HUSBAND , OR ANY MAN FOR THAT MATTER , IN A WAREHOUSE STORE....BECAUSE FIRST OF ALL I DON'T EVEN SHOP IN THOSE KIND OF PLACES.....AND WHEN JIMMY AND I ARE INTIMATE WITH EACH OTHER, WE LIKE TO DO IT IN PRIVATE...NOT PUBLIC PLACES. BUT ANYHOW, WE KISSED, HUGGED, AND HE RUBBED MY BACK, AND TOUCHED ME IN PUBLIC..ALL EYES WATCHING...BUT WHO CARES, I GUESS........I WAS DRIVEN THERE BY A FRIEND. THE TRIP GOING TOOK 2 HOURS, AS WE GOT LOST...SO WE ARRIVED 1/2 HOUR LATE....SO OUR 2 HOUR VISIT WAS CUT INTO...IT EVEN TOOK US 2 1/2 HOURS TO DRIVE BACK. THAT MEANS, WE DROVE FOR 5 1/2 HOURS, FOR A MEETING THAT LASTED 1 HOUR 15 MINUTES....BUT JIMMY AND I ARE SO MUCH IN LOVE, THAT NOTHING ELSE REALLY MATTERED. MY HUSBAND LOOKED SO GOOD...DRESSED IN A SUIT AND TIE....HE LOST WEIGHT, I COULD TELL, AND HIS MUSCLES HAVE GOTTEN STRONGER....I WORE MY T-SHIRT, AND CASUAL ATTIRE, AS I'M ALWAYS A CASUAL PERSON.....JIMMY KEPT TELLING ME HOW BEAUTIFUL I LOOK....HOW I LOST WEIGHT.......AND I KEPT LAUGHING, AND TELLING HIM HE NEEDS STONGER GLASSES....AND WE WERE THE CENTER OF ATTENTION, AS USUAL....JIMMY IS ALWAYS FUSSING OVER ME...TREATING ME LIKE A QUEEN...SO PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS INTERESTED IN US...WHAT EXACTLY MAKES THIS COUPLE TICK?.....LOVE....A STRONG MUTUAL ATTRACTION...AND TIME AND DISTANCE DOES NOT AFFECT IT....IT ALWAYS GETS STRONGER........AND JIMMY JOKES A LOT...AND I FEED INTO IT...AND I JOKE BACK....AND THEN HE PULLS ME HARD , CLOSE TO HIM...AND THEN HE PULLS MY FACE TO HIM FOR A FRENCH KISS...AND THEN HE SQUEEZES ME HERE AND THERE...AND THEN HE INSPECTS MY HANDS....MY FEET......HE MASSAGES MY HANDS....HE LOOKS AT ME VERY CLOSELY...NOTHING,NOT ONETHING, EVER GETS PAST MY JIMMY....HE IS ALL-KNOWING, AND WISE!.........AND SO, PEOPLE WATCHED, AND IT APPEAARED THEY ENJOYED SEEING 2 PEOPLE IN LOVE!........AND THEN, THE VISIT WAS OVER, ALMOST BEFORE IT STARTED......BUT WE PLAY BY THE RULES....IT FEELS SO GOOD TO FOLLOW RULES AND REGULATIONS....ALTHOUGH MOST OF THE MEN AT KINTOCK DEVIATE, AND MEET THEIR WIVES IN MOTELS TO HAVE SEX. AND SO I GOT HOME, TO MY EMPTY HOUSE, WITH THE DOG AND 2 CATS WAITING....AND THEN I REALIZED WHAT A LONELY PERSON I AM...SO MUCH TIME HAS PASSED....THERE IS NOTHING HERE IN THIS LONELY HOUSE FOR ME, EXCEPT THE ANIMALS...AND I LOOK AT MYSELF FROM A DISTANCE, AND SEE A LONELY CREATURE...HAPPY, BUT MY HAPPINESS CAN ONLY EXTEND SO FAR.......I SORT OF LIVE IN A STRANGE BUBBLE...UNKNOWN BY MOST. AND SO, I NOW WAIT....I WAIT FOR THE NEXT STEP, IN THIS TORTOUS PROCESS.......YES, I AM TORTURED BY IT ALL, AND NOT AFRAID TO ADMIT IT AT THIS POINT........MY LAUGHTER AND HAPPINESS LAST FOR SHORT SPURTS.....TEARS FLOW AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT IN THE DAY........I DECIDED A FEW DAYS AGO, TO TURN MY LIFE OVER TO THE LORD...TO GOD. THAT IS THE BEST THING TO DO. WHAT I LEARNED IS THAT GOD TAKES CARE OF THOSE WHO ARE DIFFERENT THAN OTHERS...THOSE LIKE ME, WHO ARE TORTURED IN LIFE. IT IS ONLY GOD THAT WE CAN DEPEND ON...HE WILL NEVER FAIL YOU...HUMAN BEINGS CAN NOT HELP ACT THE WAY THEY DO, SIMPLY BECAUSE THEY ARE JUST THAT....HUMAN.
TODAY, I WENT OUT TO THE STORE TO DEVERT MY MIND...JIMMY WAS WORKING AS USUAL....I AM BACK TO THE TORTURE OF A MUNDANE EXISTANCE.......SEPERATED FROM MY LOVE...JIMMY. I ASK GOD EVERY DAY...IS IT FAIR?.....I WILL BE 52 JULY 1ST.........THIS IS THE TIME IN MY LIFE THAT I'M GROWING OLDER........AND ALL THIS IS TAKING PLACE.........I JUST DON'T REALLY UNDERSTNAD IT.....SO, I WILL GIVE MYSELF OVER TO THE LORD, AND BE LED ONLY BY THE HOLY SPIRIT.......................
ONE TERRIBLE THING THAT TOOK PLACE WHEN I MET JIMMY, AND I WOULD LIKE TO TELL YOU ABOUT IT. JIMMY HAD BEEN APPROVED FOR A 3 HOUR VISIT WITH ME ON WEDNESDAY...IT WAS WRITTEN ON HIS PAPER. WELL, THE MORNING OF OUR VISIT, AT 9AM, HE WAS GIVEN THE PAPER, AND THE TIME WAS CROSSED OUT...IT WAS MADE INTO A 2 HOUR VISIT, DONE BY THE ASSISTANT ADMINISTRATOR....WHO KNOWS WHY HE DID THIS...I HAVE NOT SEEN MY HUSBAND FOR 5 MONTHS, AND HAVE NEVER GONE ON A PASS WITH HIM.....I AM BLIND, AND CANNOT DRIVE IN THE STATE OF NEW JERSEY...GETTING SOME ONE TO DRIVE ME, WAS LIKE WORSE THAN PULLING TEETH.........IT'S OK.........AND THAT'S WHY I PUT MY FAITH AND TRUST IN GOD........THERE IS NO OTHER WAY.....
3 comments:
God is the only one that can get us out of situations the only one that is always there......... keep your trust and faith as some loose it when they see things getting better or when things do not take place right then but God sees the bigger picture the picture we normally miss out on........................
I am glad that you guys at least got to see each other for a little while.
i really feel for you. i know what it's like being away from the man you love. five months is a long time but i'm just glad that you got to spend some time with him. i know how much it means to you, to both of you. just have to trust that it won't be forever.
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