IT'S ME....

Hello, it's me!...........I'm still here, and would like to thank you all for your worries,and concerns about me.....the  many e-mails you sent....Gretchen, thank you so much for loving me....and also Dakota Rose and Adlessor, amongst all the others....You were all in my thoughts, and I never forgot for one minute about all of you, or this journal, but I was in a place where I could not reach you.....I'lll try to explain.........................

It's so good to be alive, and using this computer once again!

......""Even though I walk in the dark valley, I fear no evil. For You are at my side, with your rod and your staff that give me courage.".....(23rd psalm)

  ..............Yes, I walked in the dark valley....for the past 6 weeks I have been in the hospital, and nearly died, to put it bluntly.....I am at home now, and still very weak, amongst other things....

.....In retrospect, it is all like a bad dream......I almost don't realize that 6 weeks really passed by......I was a different person, I was not me......

And so, I'll tell you what happened..........It was all very sudden....It started with a toe that turned black and blue...I went to the ER and was admitted ....It turned gangene.....I went into toxic shock...I was septic....the infection was Staph....Mrsa....it quickly spread to my entire body.....I ran high fevers of 102 qnd 103, that never broke for 3 weeks or more....I was constantly shivering, like a leaf....I was given massive doses of antibiotics ( Vancomycin twice a day and another antibiotic).....nothing would break the fever, and it was at that point, I knew I was doomed.....the infection was taking me over.....I imagined myself as a wet cat in the bed....scrawny and sweating and tremoring and crying and not making sense...I imagined the hospital bed was a big ride twirling me around in the room up by the ceiling....And I would cry and not make sense.....I was crying for all the sadness in the world...and I was moaning continuosly with pain, not only in the foot, but all over my body with severe headaches.....and the thermometer they stiuck in my ear was a bee, as they monitored me day and night.....I had 8 specialist Doctors taking care of me.....My hemaglobin fell to around 8....I was very anemic and dehydrated.....They ran in IV fluids of Normal Saline at 150 cc/hr...........My legs had swollen up to 3 times their normal size.....the left foot with gangrene was swollen and very painful, as I was given IV Morphine for the pain.......And then the Vascular Doctor operated and not only amputated my 4th toe on my left foot, but removed a hugh abcess.....The size of rhe open wound was 9.5 cm long and 2.5 cm deep..it was, and still is deep, although healing....It was a large crator that literally split my foot in half.........After the surgery, and until this day, I have taken no pain medicine.....the foot has to be soaked and packed everyday, and I am doing that myself, now.

Well, the worst was not over!....Because I was on such heavy doses of antibiotics for around 1 month, the antibiotics stripped my immune system.....my hemaglobin kept falling, and I once again had to be transfused with 2 units packed cells.....even after the transfusion, it was still low.....so now, I am being given special shots every few days, for 3 times which will encourage my bone marrow to produce ...I am also on vitamins, iron, high doses of b vitamins, and protein supplements.....I was very depleted, and my lytes were way off balance....I have been told by the doctor to eat red meat and chicken, and I should not follow a strict vegatarian diet....He said, "eat a steak every now and then!".........My blood count will be followed, and if I continue with the anemia, they will do further tests to rule out a blood disorder.

I was a mystery to my Doctors, as in 4 weeks , I gained 40 lbs while in the hospital.....and the weight gain was all beneath my waist......I receiced physical therapy to learn to walk again, but even 10 steps was too much, as I became short of breath with any movement.....I was put on oxygen, for a low pulse ox..and breathing treatments.....and finally lasix, and that was the biggest releif for me......I came home last Thursday, and am no longer sob, can walk, and feel so much better because I have lost 28 lbs. of the 40 I gained , in a matter of days....it was all water gain...a tremendous amount........

...I will tell you more, if you want to hear it. Just let me know....it is all very scary, and I have been a nurse in hospitals for 28 years.....I have seen just about everything, and I sure did not like what I felt being on the side of the patient........Basically, I felt the Life Force going out of me, and I could not fight back at that point, when the infection was taking over......I really knew it was just about the end for me......

And all the time, Jimmy was with me.........in spirit and soul, and yes, the telephone..........I had enough sense about me to call forward my calls from home to the hospital roo, so Jimmy was calling me all the time....I was crying and emotional just about all the time......One day, I cried into the phone to "COME  HERE RIGHT AWAY, AND TAKE ME HOME.....PLEASE JIMMY, I WANT TO GO HOME....DON'T LET THEM KEEP ME HERE....PLEASEEEE, DRIVE THE CAR UP TO THE FRONT, AND I'LL WALK OUT THE DOOR, AND YOU CAN DRIVE ME HOME."....That day, I was gasping for breath, and not myself, in almost a confused state of mind.......I made Jimmy cry that day, and I'll never forget it....He softly cried back into the phone, "please Fran, I want to come there more than anything to take you home...please, you have to stay there..."......."I DON'T WANT TO STAY IN THIS PRISON," I was crying......