Wednesday, May 10, 2006

APOLOGY ACCEPTED

YOUR APOLOGY IS ACCEPTED, SOBXY....ALSO, MAY I APOLOGIZE TO YOU, TOO, FOR HAVING SPOKEN OUT OF LINE.........THANKS FOR BEING SO HONEST ABOUT YOUR LIFE, AND LOVE....(YOU CAN READ SOBXY'S COMMENTS IN THE LAST ENTRY)

I AM SORRY TO HEAR YOU ARE GOING THROUGH SO MANY ROUGH TIMES RIGHT NOW, BESIDES YOUR BOYFRIEND'S INCARCERATION......

IT IS THE SAME WAY FOR ME....LIFE IS AN ENDLESS STRING OF PHONE CALLS ALL DAY, LETTER WRITING, AND CALLS TO LAWYERS..........THE DAY JIMMY LEFT HERE, FOR PRISON, WAS WHEN IT ALL STARTED FOR ME......CALLS, WRITING, RECORD KEEPING...KEEPING THINGS ORGANIZED....COUNTING DAYS AND MINUTES ON CALENDERS.......

I HAVE NOTEBOOKS, UPON NOTEBOOKS WHERE I WRITE EVERYTHING DOWN..........ALONG WITH ENDLESS STRINGS OF NAMES AND PHONE NUMBERS.......

I GET THAT FEELING IN MY STOMACH, TOO....LIKE A BOWLING BOWL.  I THINK MINE IS MORE LIKE BUTTERFLYS FLYING AROUND...........

I READ SOMEWHERE THAT HEADACHES ARE NOT ONLY IN THE PERSON'S HEAD, BUT STOMACHS HAVE EVEN WORSE HEADACHES   ....IF THAT MAKES ANY SENSE.

AND THE PROBLEM ALWAYS IS, THAT WE AS PRISONER'S WIVES, HAVE A DIFFICULT TIME THINKING ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE, EXCEPT THE SITUATION WE ARE IN......

WE TRY TO DIVERT OUR MINDS....BUT IT IS ONLY TEMPORARY........

WE TRY TO FIND OTHER INTERESTS, BUT WE ALWAYS GO BACK TO WHO WE ARE.......

I THINK OUR THOUGHT PROCESSES ARE DIFFERENT THAN MOST ....

FOR ME, IT CHANGED VERY SUBTLY, THROUGH THE YEARS......THAT IS, SOMEWHERE ALONG THE WAY, I ACCEPTED BEING A PRISONER'S WIFE, AND LIVING THIS UNUSUAL LIFE-STYLE.  BUT THAT TAKES TIME, AND ONLY COMES ABOUT NATURALLY, THROUGH THE PASSAGE OF TIME..........YES, I THINK THE BEST TIME IN THESE 3.1 YEARS, WAS WHEN I COULD TELL THE WORLD, I AM THE WIFE OF A PRISONER.................AND I FREED MYSELF, OF LIVING IN A PRISON AT HOME.......OF KEEPING MYSELF PRISONER IN MY BODY AND SOUL.

THE FIRST WEEK THAT JIMMY WENT TO PRISON, I DID SOMETHING VERY STTANGE AND ODD.......I TOOK OUT ALL MY NURSING DEGREES, AND CERTIFICATES, AND COLLEGE DEGREES.........ALL MY ACCOMPLISHMENTS IN MY LIFE.  I FRAMED THEM, AND HUNG THEM ON THE LIVING ROOM WALL, SO I COULD SEE THEM EVERYDAY.............BEFORE THAT TIME, I NEVER CARED THAT I HAD ACCOMPLISHED SO MUCH IN LIFE.....  BUT NOW, AS A PRISONER'S WIFE, I HAD TO SEE FOR MYSELF, JUST WHO I WAS, AND WHAT I DID IN LIFE................I DID NOT LIKE THE WORLD OF CRIMINALS AND PRISONS AND EVIL PEOPLE.........BUT I SUDDENLY HAD NO CHOICE, BECAUSE I WAS PART OF IT......

JIMMY AND I HAVE AN UNUSUAL LIFE, BECAUSE WE CHOOSE TO STILL LIVE THE LIFE AS HUSBAND AND WIFE, ALTHOUGH WE LIVE MILES APART, SEPERATED BY PRISON WALLS...............AND WHEN ONE FINDS THE SECRET OF HOW TO DO THAT..........YOU ARE FREE!

THAT IS HOW I FEEL...VERY FREE!.........FREE FROM MOST TENSIONS AND PRESSURES, BECAUSE I CHOOSE TO VIEW OUR LIFE AS A DIFFERENT LIFE THAN MOST.........BUT IT IS A STRONG MARRIAGE....STRONGER THAN MOST, WHO ARE IN THE OUTSIDE WORLD........

SOMETIMES I VIEW OUR LIFE IN A WHIMSICAL, FANTASY WAY.........JUST TO ESCAPE THE REALITY OF IT ALL..........AND IF I HAVE MADE IT THROUGH 3.1 YEARS, ANYONE CAN!

JIMMY'S LAST CALL LAST NIGHT WAS AT 9PM....WE SPOKE FOR AN HOUR....THE 6TH CALL OF THE DAY!........WE WERE DISCUSSING THIS JOURNAL, AND I WAS READING HIM SOME OF THE COMMENTS..............

JIMMY TOLD ME SOMETIMES IT MAY BE DIFFICULT FOR A PERSON TO UNDERSTAND MY JOURNAL...HARD TO FOLLOW MY THOUGHTS, UNLESS YOU ARE CONSTANTLY READING IT.  HE IS RIGHT, AS I JUST SIT HERE AND WRITE WHATEVER COMES OUT OF MY HEAD!......I NEVER PLAN WHAT TO SAY....IT IS ONE OF MY FAULTS.  HOWEVER, I HAVE BEEN TOLD I WRITE "IN THE FLOW" OF THOUGHT.........SOMETHING LIKE AN ESSAY.  IT IS WHAT I AM THINKING AT THE MOMENT....I OFTEN SCATTER MY THOUGHTS....BUT THAT IS HOW I AM IN REAL LIFE, ANYHOW.....I MAY NOT MAKE SENSE ...AND OFTEN GO FROM TOPIC TO TOPIC.............I WILL HAVE TO TRY HARDER TO "STAY FOCUSED."

I LIKE TO VIEW MYSELF AS A PERSON LOST IN THOUGHT......I FEEL MOST COMFORTABLE THERE......

.....AND SO, I'D LIKE TO ONCE AGAIN SAY GOOD-NITE!

...................FRAN

3 comments:

am4039 said...

well I'm happy that you and Jimmy have such a great love for each other. I like your random thoughts, I'm the same way.

shobsxy said...

dear fran,
im up very early, my mind is a whirl, or should i say a blur.smile. im not usually up at this hour but somehow i felt you were waiting for me to respond last night so i checked, and voila! there you were, and in grand fashion no less. you've brightened my morning . thank you. be advised though the rutgers-camden campus is between 3rd and 5th streets and cooper sts. in camden- 1 block 2 blocks from the business district offices i.e. city hall, social services,public library etc. but it is downtown camden, but not so nice... a few years ago camden was the murder capital of the u.s.. the campus, however, its very nice in itself. i'm sure jimmy will be fine as i'm sure he will not be looking for any discord as he is anxious to get on with his life. thanx 4 accepting my apology- life is to short to hold grudges and definitely not the way God intended for us 2 be.have a great day. p.s. your phone bill must be off the meter...

bobandkate said...

I enjoy the way you write Fran - keep your free style, don't plan - it works! I am a bit of a planner, however, as you can probably tell from my journal, but it wouldn't be interesting if we were all the same,
Kate.
http://journals.aol.co.uk/bobandkate/AnAnalysisofLife/