Tuesday, March 14, 2006

getting ready

WELL, WE ARE GETTING READY!  PAROLE IS ONLY 6 DAYS AWAY!!!!!!!!  JIMMY WAS CALLED TO THE PAROLE OFFICE, AT BAYSIDE, TODAY, AND HAD TO SIGN HIS "EXIT PAPERS."  WE ARE REALLY EXCITED.

I CALLED THE HALF-WAY HOUSE HE IS GOING TO, TO ASK ABOUT RULES, AND REGULATIONS, ETC, TODAY.

AS FOR ME, LIFE MOVES ALONG, BECAUSE JIMMY KEEPS ME BUSY HERE IN THE HOUSEHOLD, DOING THINGS FOR HIM.  HE HAS GIVEN ME A LONG LIST OF TOILETRIES I WILL GO OUT AND BUY FOR HIM TOMORROW, THAT HE WILL NEED WHEN HE GETS TO THE HALF-WAY HOUSE.  HE HAS SENT ME A LIST OF HIS CLOTHES THAT I MUST SEND TO THE HALF-WAY HOUSE, VIA HIS FRIEND, WHO WILL TRANSPORT THEM THERE. 

AS FOR JIMMY, HE SAYS TIME IS MOVING SLOWLY RIGHT NOW FOR HIM, BUT HE TRIES NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT, BECAUSE THAT ONLY MAKES IT WORSE.

YES, IT HAS BEEN 3 YEARS NOW, THAT JIMMY IS IN PRISON......IN SOME WAYS IT IS A LONG TIME, AND IN OTHER WAYS, IT SEEMS LIKE A SPLIT SECOND.  THE CONCEPT OF TIME, HAS A WAY OF PLAYING GAMES WITH A PERSON'S MIND......

IF SOMEONE ASKED ME 3 YEARS AGO, IF I WOULD HAVE GONE THROUGH THIS FOR 3 YEARS,  NOW GOING INTO 4...I WOULD HAVE SAID, 'IMPOSSIBLE."  EVEN 2 YEARS WAS TOO MUCH, AT THAT TIME FOR ME TO THINK ABOUT......I THOUGHT JIMMY WOULD BE GONE ONLY 5 MONTHS, THEN HOUSE ARREST.

JIMMY HAS ALWAYS SAID TO ME, THAT IF HE HAD TO BE IN PRISON 8 OR 10 YEARS, LIKE SOME MEN, HE WOULD HAVE NEVER MARRIED ME.  HE FEELS IT IS CRUEL FOR A MAN TO ASK HIS WOMAN TO WAIT AROUND FOR HIM, FOR SUCH A LONG TIME.  ....AND YET MEN DO....AND WOMEN CONTINUE TO WAIT..........AS FOR ME, WE ARE MARRIED, AND THAT DOES MAKE A DIFFERENCE.....AND IT DOES, IN THE EYES OF GOD.

I HAVE WRITTEN THIS JOURNAL FOR 2 YEARS AND ALMOST 3 MONTHS.  I HAVE MET MANY DIFFERENT PEOPLE ALONG THE WAY. OF WHICH I HAVE BEEN FORTUNATE.  SOME WOMEN, WHOM I BECAME FRIENDS WITH, STARTED OUT "GUNG-HO" FOR THEIR MAN.....THEY TOLD ME HOW MUCH IN LOVE THEY WERE WITH THEIR PRISONER..........GOD BLESS THEM.  AND YET, SOON AFTERWARDS, THEIR ENTHUSIASM FADED AND THEY WERE LEAVING THEIR MAN, AND MOVING ON.   ONE WOMAN TOLD ME, "THIS EXPERIENCE IS KILLING HER."........

AND YES......IT CAN, AND WILL.......IF YOU SO LET IT.  AND AS THE OLD SAYING GOES, "ONLY THE STRONG SUVIVE."

IN THE 3 YEARS OF BEING A PRISONER'S WIFE, I MYSELF HAVE CHANGED....I BELIEVE FOR THE BETTER.  IN THE BEGINNING, ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS KILL MYSELF.......EVERYDAY.  I STOCKED UP ON VIALS OF INSULIN, AND HAD PLANNED TO DO AWAY WITH MYSELF THAT WAY................TO INJECT MYSELF WITH LOTS AND LOTS OF INSULIN.  BY THE WAY, YOU CAN BUY INSULIN WITHOUT A DOCTOR'S PRESCRIPTION, OVER THE COUNTER, SO IT WOULD BE VERY EASY.

AND THAT'S HOW IT WAS........I LIVED EVERY MOMENT...UNTIL THE NEXT MOMENT............I WAITED FOR THE SUN TO RISE, AND FOR THE SUN TO SET......AND THEN I WAS THANKFUL TO GET THROUGH THAT DAY.......AND THAT DAY WAS DONE AND OVER.....AND GONE FOREVER, AND EVER..............I WOULD NEVER HAVE TO SEE THAT DATE AGAIN.

I LIVED FROM PHONE CALL TO PHONE CALL, FROM JIMMY.  HE WAS MY ONLY LINE TO LIFE, ALTHOUGH HE WAS THE ONE IN A PRISON..........AND HE CONVINCED ME, OVER AND OVER, NOT TO DO ANYTHING TO MYSELF.  AMD I DIDN'T BECAUSE I LOVE MY ANIMALS, AND WITHOUT ME, THEY WOULD LAY HERE AND DIE, TOO, WITHOUT FOOD, AND I COULDN'T DO THAT TO THEM...NO, I JUST COUDN'T....AND THEN I STARTED THIS JOURNAL IN DEC. 2003, AND IT SUDDENLY BECAME MY LIFELINE.  AND I WROTE AND WROTE, MY THOUGHTS.......HERE.

AND AS THE DAYS PASSED, I BECAME A MORE CHEERFUL PERSON.  TODAY, THE PASSAGE OF TIME DOES NOT AFFECT ME, AS IT DID THE BEGINNING........MOST TIMES I DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT THE PASSAGE OF TIME, ANYMORE.

I SEE TIME AS A CIRCLE, WITH A MINUT OPENING, WHICH MAKES IT A SPIRAL..........AND THUS, TIME SPIRALS INTO INFINITY...........OUR MAN MADE CALENDER IS LINEAR....I FEEL OUR CALENDER SHOULD BE CIRCULAR, WITH THE CIRCLES TURNING INTO SPIRALS.  WHAT I AM SAYING, IS THAT THIS YEAR IS THE SAME AS LAST YEAR.....EXCEPT WITH A MINUT DIFFERENCE TO IT...........MANY CULTURS , SUCH AS THE AZTECS, HAVE A CIRCULAR CALENDER.......BECAUSE EVERYTHING IN LIFE, AND IN OUR SOLAR SYSTEM IS IN CIRCLES, AND CYCLES.........THUS INTO SPIRALS......INTO INFINITY.

SO, AS FOR ME, I DON'T LIVE MY LIFE ANYMORE BY THE CLOCK OR CALENDER........I LOOK UP IN THE SKY, TO SEE WHERE THE SUN IS, TO KNOW THE TIME OF DAY..........I LIVE BY THE TURN OF THE SEASONS...NOT HOLIDAYS, AND SUMMER VACATION........THOSE WORDS MEAN NOTHING TO ME.

I GUESS YOU CAN SAY, I LIVE MORE BY NATURE, NOW, THAN EVER BEFORE............FOR ME, I DON'T SEE IT AS 6 DAYS TIL PAROLE.  I SEE IT AS ONE BIG EXPANSE OF TIME.....TIME FLOWS UNTIL 3/6.............

AND SO, I WILL LEAVE YOU WITH THOSE METAPHYSICAL THOUGHTS          :)

FRAN

3 comments:

lv2trnscrb said...

wow, Fran, getting so close!! And now it is five days away since I'm writing this on 3/15! That is wonderful! I admire you for sticking with Jimmy and Jimmy sticking with you and remembering your marriage vows to each other. Awesome!

betty

ccomeculo said...

FRAN, I CAN RELATE TO YOUR THOUGHTS. THIS PAST 3/11/2006 HAS BEEN 3 YRS SINCE MY HUSBAND LEFT.  THE FIRST MONTHS WERE REALLY HARD, SPECIALLLY WHEN MY SON ASKED FOR HIM.  THIS WAS THEIR FIRST TIME APART.  I WAS SCARED NOT KNOWING HOW OUR RELATIONSHIP WILL BE AFFECTED.  BUT NOW, I LOOK BACK AND REALIZED THAT THIS HAS MADE OUR RELATIONSHIP STRONGER.  SERVING TIME WITH HIM HAS BEEN EASY (MAYBE EASY IS NOT THE RIGHT TERMINALOGY), BEING THAT MY SON HAS KEPT ME BUSY.  EVEN THOUGH HIS FATHER IS DOING TIME, I MADE SURE THAT MY SON'S LIFE WAS NOT AFFECTED BY IT. HE IS A HEALTHY 7 YEAR OLD BOY WHO ENJOYS LIFE AND NEVER STOPS SMILING. AND I TOO, WILL BE CELEBRATING IN COUPLE OF MONTHS BECAUSE HE WILL BE MAXING OUT HIS SENTENCE AND COMING HOME TO HIS FAMILY.  

sugar1337 said...

Glad that things are rolling well with his parole!  :)