Wednesday, November 30, 2005

the turning of time

WHEN JIMMY WAS HOME LAST WEEK-END, HE WAS WORKING ON THE COMPUTER, CLEANING UP THE FILES, AS I COOKED IN THE KITCHEN.  SUDDENLY, HE CALLED ME INTO THE COMPUTER ROOM, WHICH IS OFF THE KITCHEN....I WENT IN THERE, AND HE WAS STARING WITH DISBELIEF, AT A PICTURE OF MINE.  HE SAID, "FRAN, IS THIS YOU?  IT LOOKS LIKE YOU, BUT I CAN'T BELIEVE IT IS YOU....IT IS YOU, WITH THE FACE OF A WOMAN WHO HAS BEEN "BEATEN UP."  I SAID "YES JIMMY, THAT IS ME, AND I WASN'T BEATEN UP.  THAT IS THE FACE OF  A WOMAN WHOSE HUSBAND HAS RECENTLY BEEN LOCKED UP IN PRISON."......JIMMY JUST KEPT STARING AT IT...I THOUGHT HE MAY CRY........MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE DELETED IT, BUT ON SECOND THOUGHT I THINK IT IS A GOOD IDEA FOR JIMMY TO SEE HOW I LOOKED..........MY FACE WAS SWOLLEN...MY EYES WERE SWOLLEN FROM THE CONTINUOS CRYING.......I GUESS YOU COULD SAY I WAS A MESS.  DURING THOSE FIRST DAYS, AND MONTHS,  AND EVEN YEARS.  I ACTUALLY LIVED IN A DIFFERENT DIMENSION OF TIME AND SPACE...............I KEPT THE HOUSE QUIET. NO RADIO, NO TV.  I WAS UNABLE TO FOLLOW ANYONE'S CONVERSTAION FOR TOO LONG A PERIOD. I COULD NOT LISTEN TO PEOPLE, OR EVEN BE AROUND THEM FOR TOO LONG A PERIOD OF TIME.....MY DAYS CONSISTED OF GETTING THROUGH ONE HOUR, AND THEN THE NEXT.........MY WORDS TO JIMMY THE NIGHT BEFORE HE LEFT FOR JAIL ON MARCH 28, 2003, WERE, "JIMMY, YOU ARE GOING TO A PLACE THAT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO GET YOU OUT OF...I DON'T KNOW HOW TO REACH YOU."  (i was holding his head in my hands at that moment in time)..........JIMMY'S ANSWER TO ME WAS, "WE HAVE A GOOD ATTORNEY, FRAN".................(i felt lost and powerless, maybe for the first time in my life....i didn't know where to turn to, or who to go, to that could help jmmy get out of prison .  i was his wife, and i could not help him, and that distressed me the most.  but once someone becomes part of the prison system, you have no power........it is a terrible thing, and i don't wish it on anyone)...................MAYBE IT IS GOOD FOR PEOPLE TO GO THROUGH THIS BIZARRE EXPERIENCE AT LEAST ONCE IN THEIR LIFE................

AS SO MANY OF YOU PRISON WIVES CAN UNDERSTAND, I WAS ALONE, LONELY AND VERY SCARED.  I HUNG ON WITH ONE FINE THREAD TO LIFE.  I LIVED FOR JIMMY'S 15 MINUTE COLLECT CALLS.  I WAS LEFT WITH SO MANY PROBLEMS TO TAKE CARE OF IN THE HOUSEHOLD....I ORGANIZED EVERYTHING...AND I MOVED WITH ONE TINY STEP AT A TIME......JIMMY WOULD INSTRUCT ME OVER AND OVER ABOUT WHAT I SHOULD DO ABOUT SO MANY HOUSEHOLD THINGS....BEFORE JIMMY LEFT, HE WAS DOING ALL THE FINANCES, ETC....AND I WAS AT A LOSS WHEN HE LEFT..............BUT I HUNG ON, BY DOING IT STEP BY STEP, MINUTE BY MINUTE, AS SO MANY OF YOU OUT THERE ARE DOING IT..

AND THE DAYS TURNED INTO WEEKS...THE WEEKS TURNED INTO MONTHS.....AND THE SEASONS CAME AND WENT..........THE WHEELS OF TIME TURNED.........AND AS THE WHEELS TURNED, LIFE BECAME MORE BEARABLE..........UNTIL FINALLY, LAST SPRING, AFTER 2 YEARS OF JIMMY BEING WITHIN THE PRISON SYSTEM, I WAS ABLE TO SMILE..............


"TO SMILE," BECAME A "CONSCIOUS DECISION "  FOR ME.........THEN IT BECAME EASIER, WITH TIME...........I READ IT IN A BOOK.........WHEN YOU ARE TAKING YOUR MORNING SHOWER, SMILE...EVEN IF IT HURTS, FORCE THE MUSCLES IN YOUR FACE TO SMILE............AND THAT IS WHAT I DID EACH DAY, UNTIL NOW, I CAN SMILE EASILY.........AND ACTUALLY FEEL HAPPINESS.

LAST WEEK, I READ SOMEWHERE , THAT THERE IS THE HIGHEST RATE OF DEPRESSION IN OUR COUNTRY, DURING 3 MONTHS.........THOSE MONTHS ARE DECEMBER, JANUARY, AND FEBRUARY.  IT IS BECAUSE OF PAST HOLIDAY MEMORIES, THAT NO LONGER ARE, FINANCIAL WORRIES WITH THE HOLIDAY SEASON, AND THE COLD, SNOWY WEATHER.  IT WAS SURPRISING, HOWEVER, TO READ THAT THE SUICIDE RATE DURING THOSE 3 MONTHS IS AT IT'S LOWEST RATE........WELL, THAT IS A GOOD THING.

WELL, GOING BACK TO THAT PIX JIMMY FOUND OF ME........I'D LIKE TO SAY, I WAS BEATEN UP, AND FELT THAT WAY, WHEN JIMMY WAS GONE.......MENTALLY, NOT PHYSICALLY.  THERE ARE SO MANY OF YOU WOMAN OUT THERE, ESPECIALLY DURING THE HOLIDAY SEASON, WHO ARE WITHOUT THEIR LOVED ONES, AND MAY BE FEELING THIS WAY..........PLEASE REMEMBER YOU ARE NOT ALONE...............I UNDERSTAND THE DIMENSION OF TIME YOU MAY BE LIVING IN..........AND HAVE FAITH THAT THE WHEELS OF TIME WILL TURN, AND THINGS WILL CHANGE................................WITH LOVE,  FRAN

 

6 comments:

lv2trnscrb said...

great entry, Fran....you have probably grown so much emotionally and mentally over what you thought you were capable of doing before Jimmy went to prison. It was something you would not have wanted to go through or ever go through again, but I know you are a stronger person as a result of it. May Jimmy be so thankful for who he has in you.

betty

loverobin32 said...

Its funny that almost everything you described was me when my husband left on his 6 month deployment...the diffrence was he came home for a month after before leaving out again. I remember I thought I would end up dying from a broken heart. I have no control on what was happening or how to stop it. I lived everyday for a phone call or email that usually never came. The phone calls were only a few but each time we bought a special ship phone card we paid $20 mins and only got like 15 to 20 mins to talk. I would look in the mirror and I didnt even know who I was. I slept sometimes 2 hours a night if I was lucky. I hated it and was scared the entire time. Its like when Jimmy comes home and has to leave again thats like him having to deploy out all the time....sometimes that is the way it is here. One week they are here and the next gone and back for a day and gone out again. The only diffrence is we only have to do 4 years and then we can walk away with only 4 years of Reserves. Where you have to wait for a parole board. Everything you describe just makes me want to say "Welcome to the life of a Navy wife" without the pay. Huggggs Robin

derasta said...

This is a very moving entry Fran...I can feel your pain that you experienced in each word that you write...you are so clear in discribing your feelings of what it's like to go thru something like this...the one thing I am sorry about is that you didnt have a friend who could come by and sit with you and to help you thru this..take you to the places you needed to go to...and even the times you wanted to go and see Jimmy and no one would take you...but now, you can look back and see just how far you've come...and before you know it this will all be behind you...I really can't wait for that day Fran.

sugar1337 said...

Ya this time of year is ruff.....I sometimes wish I could just skip the holidays....

Victoria Marlene said...

My fiance just now is in prison.. He's been incarcerated for 4 months and has 2 1/2 years I'm so lonely without him.. Sometimes I think there's no one who understands good to see there is

Victoria Marlene said...

My fiance just now is in prison.. He's been incarcerated for 4 months and has 2 1/2 years I'm so lonely without him.. Sometimes I think there's no one who understands good to see there is