feeling sad.....

I HAVE EVERYTHING TO BE THANKFUL FOR IN LIFE, BUT AT THIS MOMENT, I FEEL KINDA SAD AND QUIET....WITHIN MYSELF.  YOU SEE, IT'S ANOTHER "VALENTINE'S DAY."...ANOTHER ONE ALONE....THE SECOND VALENTINE'S DAY WITH JIMMY IN PRISON.........

HE JUST CALLED ME A LITTLE WHILE AGO...AND HE WAS FEELING THE SAME WAY...SAD AND QUIET....HE APOLOGIZED FOR PUTTING ME THROUGH THIS.....

ONE YEAR IN PRISON IS HARD.....2 YEARS , AND IT GETS EVEN HARDER.....MARCH 28, WHICH IS A FEW WEEKS AWAY WILL BE 2 YEARS....

I ASKED JIMMY JUST WHY AM I DOING THIS TO MYSELF....WHY AM I STILL SITTING HERE WITH MY LIFE ON HOLD, WAITING FOR HIM TO RETURN.......2 YEARS IS A LONG TIME..........BUT I , MYSELF, GAVE HIM THE ANSWER....."IT IS BECAUSE I LOVE YOU, AND I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU. I AM YOUR WIFE, AND IT IS MY "PERSONAL MAKE-UP" TO BE DEDICATED AND FAITHFUL TO MY HUSBAND.....I AM A DEDICATED PERSON.....WITH STRENGTH AND FAITH, I WILL CARRY ON........

IT IS ALL SO SAD...WOMEN THAT HAVE HUSBANDS AND LOVED ONES IN PRISON.....LIFE IS SAD.........TO BE MARRIED, AND NOT HAVE A HUSBAND.......THAT YOUR HUSBAND BELONGS TO THE STATE, NOT YOU ANYMORE...........

I SIT HERE AND THINK ABOUT ALL THE PRISONS THROUGHOUT OUR COUNTRY.........SO MANY INMATES.......SO MANY INSTITUTIONS..........EVERYONE BEHIND CLOSED WALLS.......IN THEIR OWN LITTLE WORLDS...........AND I SIT HERE IN MY OWN LITTLE WORLD..........WONDERING WHAT IT IS ALL ABOUT.............LIFE IS SO CONFUSING.

I'M SORRY TO BE SO NEGATIVE TONIGHT....BUT YOU, MY LOVELY JOURNAL, YOU ARE THE ONE I CAN COME TO AND POUR MY HEART OUT TO.............YOU ARE THE ONE WHO WILL LISTEN TO ME..........

...SONG NOW PLAYING ON THE RADIO AS I TYPE THIS...

.........I CAN'T WAIT TO LIVE MY LIFE AGAIN...MY DREAMS CAME TRUE BECAUSE OF YOU....FROM THIS MOMENT AS LONG AS I LIVE, I PROMISE I WILL LOVE YOU....THERE IS NOTHING THAT I WOULDN'T GIVE, FROM THIS MOMENT ON....YOU'RE THE REASON I BELIEVE IN LOVE, AND YOU ARE THE REASON FOR MY PRAYERS ABOVE........I WILL LOVE YOU...I PROMISE YOU....THERE IS NOTHING I WOULDN'T GIVE....I WILL LOVE YOU, THERE IS NOTHING I WOULD GIVE....FROM THIS MOMENT ON......

A VERY BEAUTIFUL SONG, THAT PLAYED ON THE RADIO AS I WAS TYPING THIS......IT SAYS IT ALL...I HOPE I GOT ALL THE WORDS RIGHT, AS I WAS TYPING IT AS IT WAS PLAYING..........

AND SO, TO END THIS JOURNAL TONIGHT ON A MORE HAPPIER AND POSITIVE NOTE, I'LL TELL YOU SOME GOOD NEWS!

ON MONDAY, VALENTINE'S DAY, THE NEWSPAPER, "THE PRESS OF ATLANTIC CITY" WILL PUBLISH "OUR STORY"....OUR LOVE STORY.....HOW WE MET, FELL IN LOVE, MARRIED, KNOWING HE HAD TO GO TO PRISON.......HOW I AM AT HOME WRITING THIS JOURNAL FOR OVER A YEAR........HOW THIS JOUIRNAL STARTED WITH MY OWN NEED , AND NOW HAS EXPANDED TO A LOT OF PEOPLE READING IT, AND IDENTIFYING WITH IT.  THIS WILL BE A GREAT STORY FOR VALENTINE'S DAY....THE REPORTER CAME HERE THE OTHER DAY TO INTERVIEW ME, AND HE ALSO WENT TO VISIT JIMMY AT KINTOCK, AND INTERVIEWED HIM...A PHOTOGRAPER TOOK PIX, TOO.  SO, IF YOU GET A CHANCE, TRY TO READ THE STORY....YOU CAN READ IT ON-LINE , TOO.

ALSO, I WROTE A LITTLE ARTICLE FOR VALENTINE'S DAY, FOR PRISON WIVES.....YOU CAN FIND IT ON "E-ZINE"...THAT IS AN ON-LINE MAGAZINE....IT CAN BE FOUND UNDER "WOMEN'S ISSUES," AND THE ARTICLE IS CALLED, "HOW TO KEEP LOVE ALIVE, DESPITE PRISON WALLS."...............................

HOPE YOU ALL HAVE A REAL GOOD NIGHT......I KNOW THAT THIS HOLIDAY, VALENTINE'S DAY, IS AN ESPECIALLY DIFFICULT ONE FOR PRISON WIVES.......

..................................WITH LOVE,      FRAN, THE WIFE OF A PRISONER

The Story Of Valentine's Day

Love is in the air!....Valentine's Day is a few days away!....Don't forget to tell your loved one  "I love you"....Those three words are very important!

  I love the story of the origin of Valentine's Day...there are several versions of it...I'll tell you the story here, in my own words....On Valentine's Day we give chocolate candies, red roses, and lots of hearts and cards, but let us not forget where and how this story began!........

..................THE STORY OF VALENTINE'S DAY IS SHROUDED IN MYSTERY...ONE LEGEND SAYS THAT VALENTINE WAS A PRIEST WHO SERVED DURING THE THIRD CENTURY IN ROME.  EMPEROR CLAUDIUS II OUTLAWED MARRIAGE FOR YOUNG MEN.  THESE YOUNG MEN HE FELT MADE BETTER SOLDIERS THAN THOSE WITH WIVES AND FAMILIES.  VALENTINE , WHO WAS A PRIEST DEFIED CLAUDIUS AND HE CONTINUED TO PERFORM MARRIAGES FOR YOUNG LOVERS IN SECRET...WHEN VALENTINE WAS DISCOVERED PERFORMING MARRIAGES, HE WAS SENTENCED TO DEATH.  HE WAS PUT IN PRISON.  WHILE IN PRISON, THE PRISON WARDENS DAUGHTER WOULD COME TO VISIT VALENTINE.....SHE WAS BLIND....THUS, WHILE IN PRISON, VALENTINE FELL IN LOVE WITH THIS YOUNG, BLIND GIRL....YOUNG LOVER'S SENT HIM LETTERS, AND THEY STOOD OUTSIDE THE BARRED WINDOW OF HIS CELL.......THE YOUNG LOVER'S THREW ROSES INTO HIS WINDOW, AND VALENTINE WOULD MARRY THEM, AS THEY STOOD OUTSIDE HIS CELL............WHAT A MOST BEAUTIFUL STORY!..........YES, VALENTINE SO BELIEVED IN LOVE!............BEFORE HIS DEATH, VALENTINE SENT THE YOUNG WOMAN HE WAS IN LOVE WITH, A LOVE LETTER, WHICH HE SIGNED,  "FROM YOUR VALENTINE.".....THUS, THIS IS THE EXPRESSION WE STILL USE TODAY.....THE VALENTINE LEGENDS PORTRAY VALENTINE AS A HEROIC AND ROMANTIC FIGURE.............TODAY IN OUR WORLD WE STILL CARRY ON THE TRADITION OF VALENTINE'S DAY, BY SENDING CARDS FROM "YOUR VALENTINE," CHOCOLATES, CANDY, ROSES....AND SO MANY "LOVE GIFTS."...........AND SO, LET US CONTINUE TO CARRY ON THIS TRADITION IN OUR WORLD AND IN OUR LIFE..............TEEL THAT IMPORTANT PERSON YOU LOVE HIM, TODAY..........AND ALSO HELP TO SPREAD "LOVE" IN OUR WORLD.........REACH OUT AND TELL SOMEONE YOU LOVE THEM TODAY............AFTER ALL, "LOVE DOES MAKE THE WORLD GO ROUND!"

HI EVERYONE!

HELLO EVERYONE!

SOME OF THE GUYS AT KINTOCK HAVE ASKED JIMMY 'WHY DOES YOUR WIFE WRITE HER JOURNAL IN ALL CAPS?  DOESN'T SHE KNOW THAT IT IS CONSIDERED RUDE ON THE COMPUTER TO WRITE IN ALL CAPS...IT IS LIKE YOU ARE SHOUTING ...."  WELL, JIMMY EXPLAINED TO THEM THAT I AM LEGALLY BLIND, AND CAN'T SEE THE SMALL PRINT VERY WELL..........AS YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED, I DID MY LAST ENTRY IN PRINT THE WAY IT IS SUPPOSSED TO BE....BUT GUESS WHAT!  IT REALLY WASN'T ME, AND IT TOOK ME A LONG TIME TO WRITE IT, AND GET IT "JUST RIGHT."  ....AND EVEN AT THAT, WHEN I READ IT OVER, IT IS JUST NOT ME!............SO, I'M SORRY, ALL OF YOU OUT THERE IN J-LAND, WILL HAVE TO PUT UP WITH ME AND MY LARGE PRINT!..............

WHEN I SIT HERE AND WRITE AN ENTRY, I NEVER EVEN THINK AHEAD OF TIME JUST WHAT I WILL WRITE ABOUT....IT KIND OF JUST FLOWS OUT OF ME.......MY THOUGHTS FLOW OUT AND I TYPE THEM.......I REALLY DON'T PLAN ANYTHING..........WHAT I WRITE, IS JUST WHAT I AM THINKING AT THE TIME!.................I ALSO HAVE BAD NEUROPATHY OF BOTH HANDS....THAT IS NERVE DAMAGE...SOMETHING ;LIKE ARTHRITIS, SO I ONLY TYPE WITH ONE FINGER!.......I AM UNABLE TO TYPE WITH BOTH JHANDS ON THE KEYBOARD.......AND SO. THAT'S WHAT ITS ALL ABOUT!

MY 2 E-ZINE ARTICLES WHICH I WROTE 2 WEEKS AGO, ABOUT 'PRISON WIVES,'   CAN NOW BE FOUND ON GOOGLE....LOTS OF PEOPLE ARE READING THEM, AND I HAVE BEEN CONSIDERED AN "EXPERT AUTHOR" BY THEM!.............I THINK LATER I MAY WRITE A 3RD ARTUCLE, TITLED....."HOW TO MAKE LOVE SURVIVE, DESPITE PRISON WALLS.".............THERE ARE A LOT OF TIPS I CAN GIVE........AND I'LL DO IT AS A TRIBUTE AND CELEBRATION OF VALENTINE'S DAY!.........IF YOU HAVE THE TIME, YOU SHOULD GO BACK AND READ LAST YEAR'S ENTRIES ABOUT "VALENTINE'S DAY."........I WROTE ABOUT ST. VALENTINE, WHO WAS PUT IN PRISON, BECAUSE HE BELIEVED IN "MARRYING " PEOPLE WHO WERE IN LOVE........AND HE DID IT SECRETIVELY, AND GOT IMPRISONED BY DOING IT........THE PRISON WARDEN HAD A BLIND DAUGHTER, AND SHE WOULD GO VISIT ST. VALENTINE IN PRISON........AND THEY FELL IN LOVE.............AND HE WOULD READ TO HER............IT IS A VERY BEAUTIFUL STORY...........LOVE, LOVE, AND MORE LOVE!.......THAT'S WHAT IT IS ALL ABOUT!...............IF JIMMY AND I CAN SHED A LITTLE LIGHT ON PEOPLE, AND MAKE THEM UNDERTAND THE IMPORTANCE AND VALUEOF LOVE, THEN WE HAVE ACCOMPLISHED A MISSION IN OUR LIFE............AND WE LIKE TO SET AN EXAMPLE FOR OTHERS!............SO COME ON, EVERYONE1....PREPARE FOR VALENTINE'S DAY AS IT QUICKLY APPROACHES!..........JIMMY HAS ALREADY SENT ME 7 CARDS, AND I'LL SEND HIM THE SECOND ONE TODAY!.........(HE CARRIES THE FIRST CARD I SENT HIM AROUND WITH HIM, AS I PUT LITTLE NOTATIONS IN IT THAT PERTAIN TO US!)

  JUST TO KEEP YOU UP-TO-DATE, ABOUT THE "KITCHEN INCIDENT," THE OTHER NIGHT..............WELL, JIMMY WENT TO THE KITCHEN AT 3AM, TO START HIS USUAL JOB OF COOKING FOR THE GUYS........WELL.MUCH TO HIS DIMAY, HE FOUND THE PLACE A MESS!......THE RESIDENTS WHO WERE HAVING THE PARTY WERE SUPPOSSED TO CLEAN UP THE POTS AND PANS AFTER THE PARTY, AND THEY DIDN'T!.....IT TOOK JIMMY AT LEAST AN HOUR TO CLEAN UP THE MESS BEFORE HE COULD START COOKING...............AND AS YOU KNOW, JIMMY JUST LOVES EVERYTHING CLEAN.....HE REMINDS ME OF 'MR. CLEAN!"

  TODAY JIMMY WENT OUT ON MORE JOB INTERVIEWS....HE WILL KNOW FOR SURE LATER THIS WEEK IF THEY ARE APPROVED.........I FOUND SEVERAL JOBS FOR HIM ON THE COMPUTER, AND GAVE THEM TO HIM ON THE PHONE........JOBS IN "PEP BOYS,' "GOOD-YEAR,"...AND SEVERAL MORE.......WELL, MUCH TO MY DISMAY, THEY WERE NOT APPROVED..............AND SO THE SEARCH GOES ON..........AT THIS POINT, I MUST LAUGH!......AND NOW, PLEASE UNDERSTAND , I SAY THIS WITH HUMOR......"WHERE OH WHERE IS THIS PERFECT JOB FOR MY HUSBAND?!".........SOMEWHERE THE PERFECT JOB EXISTS............I JUST CAN'T GET OVER IT............HE IS OVER-QUALIFIED FOR EVERYTHING.......WELL, THAT'S WHAT IT IS WHEN YOU ARE A "GENIUS."...........(he hates me to say that!)...............AND SO, I GUESS, WE WON'T BE TOGETHER AGAIN, THIS YEAR FOR THE THIRD YEAR, ON OUR WEDDING ANNIVERSARY, APRIL 29....BECAUSE THE TIME IS MOVING QUICKLY, WITHOUT ANY SUCCESS OF GETTING A JOB.........PERSONALLY, MY OPINION IS, THAT IT "DEFEATS THE PURPOSE" of A "WORKING HALF-WAY HOUSE."...........SOME ONE IN THAT INSTITUION SHOULD BE ABLE TO HELP JIMMY IN GETTING A JOB ON THE OUTSIDE..........SEE HOW UNFAIR IT IS TO THE LOVED ONES WHO WAIT AT HOME..........THERE I GO ON MY SOAP-BOX AGAIN!

.................BYE FOR NOW!...........JIMMY WILL CALL ME SOON!.....................................love,   fran

 

some thoughts

I sit here and try to analyze exactly what this is all about....."REFLECTIONS OF A PRISON WIFE,"  that is.  I wonder to myself, why are people so interested in it?  There are now 2 newspapers interested in this story...."the woman who sits at home and writes a journal about life, as she waits for her husband while he is in prison."

  I started this journal out of my own despair.  It was a cold and lonely New Year's Eve...Dec. 2003.....The journal was a place I turned to , to write my thoughts.  It became my friend throughout the months, and along the way, I met many beautiful people that became my friend, and supported me. 

  Ans from my own personal journal, it suddenly began reaching out to the people.  And now, 13 months later,  I feel this journal is not only about "me," but about "the people."....those that identify with it.

  I feel  this journal  fulfills a "need." not only for myself, but for others.  It has brought out into the public an awareness of  "the prison wife."   Women read this and say, "yes, that is me too.  I am not alone in my thoughts."

  Therefore, "REFLECTIONS OF A PRISON WIFE," has helped to educate the public.  Not only has it reached wives of prisoners, but also girlfriends, mothers, fathers, children, and other family members.  It has reached the general population, who is interested in what goes on in the life of a prisoner and his wife....

  Our life has always been an unusual one....it has been a life of adventure, romance, love, and the unexpected ....it has always been a  "whirlwind" of events!..........meeting in a chatroom....progressing to a phone....meeting in the middle of the barren desert 2 weeks later.........getting married soon afterwards.................Yes, life moved very fast for us those first few months.  Living a wonderful life in Las Vegas, and knowing we would have to give so much up so he could return to New Jersey....................................and now, the long, long wait for Jimmy to return home.......................

  Before I say good-night, I have to tell you a little story that took place tonight....the residents at Kintock were having a party for "super Bowl  night, but it was only for the residents who have a job working on the outside.  Jimmy works in the kitchen, 80 hours /week.  He does not get paid, and doesn't mind, because he enjoys working, anyhow. He is trying very hard to get a job, so he can start week-end furloughs home, but the jobs he has applied for have not been approved.  Jimmy is up at 3am each day, and 7am on weekends, cooking 3 meals.....

  So tonight, he was helping to prepare for the party for the guys....he was in the kitchen preparing food, and then planned to go to his room and do some reading (neither of us are football fans).  Well his boss, who is civilian, came over to him and said "you cannot stay for the superbowl party, because you do not have an outside job."  Jimmy replied that he had no intention  of staying, because he is not even a football fan, and has other stuff to do.  .......Jimmy felt very bad about this, and we talked it over together on the phone....We are lucky to have each other, in order to discuss things, and that my husband could talk it out with me, and get this "off his mind."..........................he would never had stayed for the party, anyhow.  He was definetly put in his place.....he is there to "serve" his fellow inmates/residents.....he is not to participate in these social events....what do all of you think about this?  There is a saying, that says it all......."humbleness is great.".......................and so with that, good-night to all!

...............................................................Fran

endless days and endless thoughts......

Some days are good days....Other days are bad days.  That is just how it is for everyone in life.  For me, yesterday was a good day....a very wonderful day........several things occurred that made me feel very happy and very blessed.  ....Among other things, I received phone calls from friends that I have in Las Vegas, New Mexico. Arizona, and Tennessee......isn't that great to receive all those calls from people who love you and think about you?!....Yes, it was certainly a great day, and strangely enough, everyone called on the same day!....Of course Jimmy also called several times as he always does, and we had great phone conversations,too........All I can say is "thank God the telephone was invented!"

Lately I have been getting a lot of e-mails and I just love it!...please keep your e-mails coming!.......it makes me realize how many prison wives are out there..how many are waiting for their boyfriends and husbands........how many women are leading the same sort of life I am.........some waiting many, many years.  I know it is all so very hard for us to go through this....so, let us go through it together, and make the burden much lighter...................And even though yesterday was a good day for me, still at the end of the day, in the evening, when it was time to go to sleep, that "sense of lonliness, and emptiness," set into my heart, knowing that my husband is somewhere where I can't physically reach him...that no matter how I want him home, I am helpless within the system.......and so I wait.

Thank you again for your comments and e-mails....I will answer each and every e-mail I receive.....many women ask my advice....I will try my best to give you the best possible advice............

....................................Love,

                                     Fran

prison poetry

I'd like to share one of the poems I've written with you.....

                                       "I Wait"

                I sit

                  I wait

                      I eat

                          I drink

                              I bathe

                                  I smile

                                       I cry

                                                ......I exist

                        I go through all the rituals of life.............

                        I am perfect, but I  am not perfected.

                        ......I wait for my lover to return.........

                                Until then, I only exist.........

                                 .......I wait.

                                                     Fran

    (I wrote this May 29, 2003.  That was 2 months after Jimmy was incarcerated..........I would sit on a park bench, and look at the trees, who became my friends........they were beautiful spring days, with blue skies and sunshine.....they were such beautifully perfect days!........And I would construct thoughts and poems in my mind like this one...........and it would take some of the lonliness and shame away , and shock of no longer having a husband at home, because now I was a prisoner's wife.......everything in nature seemed so beautiful and perfect, and yet there was one flaw of imperfection, and that was my life as a prisoner's wife..................I'm sure many of you can identify with this............the words, the poems, and my writing became my friend.........)

HAPPY GROUNDHOG DAY!

Hello, and Happy Ground-Hog Day!......I heard on the radio this morning that the ground-hog saw his shadow, so we will be having 6 more weeks of winter.  That makes sense to me, as my house is still surrounded by snow, anyhow, and as I said earlier, I'm staying inside until the spring,  and I do stand true to my word!....

Six weeks is nothing compared to the 23 months that my Jimmy has been away, within the prison system....Yes, we are now into our 23rd month.........that is 1 month short of 2 years.......somehow, 2 years sounds even worse.........but here I am....waiting and keeping the household together.

I received an e-mail this morning from someone whose father is in prison.  It was a beautiful letter, and I was so happy to receive it.  Her friends have told her to just forget about her father now that he is in prison.  No, that is the wrong thing to do.  For anyone that has a father, husband, son, brother...or maybe sister, mother, or wife in prison, now is the time to show them love.  Are you one of the people that have forgotten about someone in prison?  Even an occasional letter or card can make a big difference in that person's life.....now is actually the time that they need your love and prayers....they need to be guided down the right path of life.  Through your love and your words, that person can become a better person....because  he knows that someone actually cares about him.........so , yes, show your father love......accept his calls, if you are able to...go to visit him if possible........send him letters....cards......newspaper clippings about the outside world.....computer print-outs about subjects he may be interested in...............yes, make him part of the world, and your world........hoping that he will change his past ways and become a productive citizen.

My feeling is that we , as the family of the prisoner, are the people that are instrumental in the prisoner's rehabilatation.  He needs to know that he is loved and supported....that he matters....without family, or friends, without love, he can never be rehabilatated......We, as the family, are probably the most important aspect of the prisoner's rehabilatation................Show him the light and the way..........

Well, hope you all have a nice day, and you are always in my thoughts and prayers................

It's a nice sunny day, today, and should go up to 40 degrees, regardless of what the groundhog thought this morning when he got up!....................Love,  Fran