SOME THOUGHTS

IT'S FUNNY...JIMMY HASN'T CALLED ME YET, TODAY.  WELL, I GUESS HE IS VERY BUSY AT THE STORE......MAYBE HE'S TIRED OF ME.........I CAn'T BLAME HIM....I'D BE TIRED OF ME , TOO.  I MUST BE A BORING PERSON TO HIM...FINALLY.

I'D BE BORED OF ME, TOO..........A WIFE WHO IS A RECLUSE, THAT SITS AT HOME, FEELING SORRY FOR HERSELF........FOR ALMOST 3 YEARS.  WHAT MAN WOULD WANT THAT KIND OF WOMAN?

WE ALL MAKE OUR OWN LIFE.  MY MOTHER, WHO HAS BEEN DECEASED FOR 20 YEARS NOW, ALWAYS SAID ,  REPEATEDLY TO ME WHEN GROWING UP, "YOU MAKE YOUR OWN BED, YOU LIE IN IT."

BOTH OF MY PARENTS DIED RIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS....THAT IS ANOTHER REASON I FEEL SO HAPPY AT CHRISTMAS, I GUESS....IT IS THE WORST TIME OF YEAR FOR ME, AND VERY DEPRESSING........MY FATHER DIED, UNEXPECTEDLY ON DECEMBER 2, 1984, AND MY MOTHER DIED ON DECEMBER 15, 1985, EXACTLY ONE YEAR LATER...SHE HAD HER LEG AMPUTATED THE PREVIOUS YEAR, AND DIED SUDDENLY OF A HEART ATTACK RIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS.....SHE WAS THE "MATRIARCH" OF MY FAMILY, AND ONCE GONE, CHRISTMAS WAS NO MORE.........I WAS 32 AT THE TIME.... 

AND NOW, HAVING A HUSBAND WHO IS WITHIN THE PRISON SYSTEM...OH YES, CHRISTMAS IS SURELY A JOLLY TIME.

I REMEMBER GOING BACK TO WORK, A FEW DAYS AFTER MY MOTHER'S FUNERAL.....IT WAS NEW YORK CITY, AND THE HOLIDAY BUSTLE WAS IN THE AIR!..........I JUST WONDERED WHAT EVERYONE WAS SO HAPPY ABOUT..........I HAD JUST LOST MY MOTHER...THE CENTER OF MY WORLD, ALWAYS BEING "MOMMY'S LITTLE GIRL.".......AND EVERYONE ELSE SEEMED SO HAPPY, AND WORRIED ABOUT RUSHING AROUND BUYING PRESENTS, ETC..........I WALKED INTO THE HOSPITAL, AND MET MY SUPERVISOR ON THE ELEVATOR...........I COULD BARELY SAY THE WORDS, "MY MOTHER JUST DIED," AS TEARS WERE TRICKLING DOWN MY FACE.  HE SAID, "FRAN, YOU'RE NOT READY YET TO COME BACK TO WORK."  I SAID , "YES I AM.  I HAVE TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE.  IT'S LIKE I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF."..........SO, I ENGROSSED MYSELF WITH THE SICK AND DYING, AS I WORKED AS AN R.N. ON ONE OF THE FIRST AIDS UNITS, AND I FELT MUCH BETTER.

THE FIRST YEAR OF JIMMY'S INCARCERATION AT BAYSIDE STATE PRISON, I DECORATED THE HOUSE............I WAS ALWAYS OPTIMISTIC THAT JIMMY WOULD BE SENT HOME FOR CHRISTMAS.............THE YEAR WAS 2003.

BOXES OF CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS WERE BEING SHIPPED TO ME FROM OUR HOME IN LAS VEGAS.................AND SO I DECORATED....AND DECORATED ....AND DECORATED.

AND OUR HOUSE HERE, IN NEW JERSY, TURNED INTO A WINTER WONDERLAND.  I HAD HUNG  3, YES 3 , TREES......WE HAVE  EXTENSIVE DECORATONS.........VICTORIAN VILLAGES WITH A TRAIN, A LAKE, ALL THE LITTLE PEOPLE..........ChURCHES AND  VICTORIAN HOMES AND BUILDINGS WITH LIGHTS..........GORGEOUS!  BEAUTIFUL!.............SANTAS THAT DANCED AND SANG...........THE BALLERINA FROM THE NUTCRACKER SUITE, THAT DANCED AND PLAYED MUSIC.........LIFE SIZED SANTAS, AND FROSTY THE SNOWMAN...............LARGE STUFFED ANIMALS......3 NATIVITY SCENES......EVERYNIGHT I TURNED ON THE CHRISTMAS TREE LIGHTS.......MY FAVORITE WAS THE WHITE TREE WE BOUGHT TOGETHER, WITH ORNAMENTS OF DOLLS, AND ANIMALS, AND LITTLE TOYS...................

I HAD OUR HOUSE "GLOWING, " WHILE JIMMY WAS IN PRISON............JIMMY LIKED IT THAT WAY.........HE IS A HOLIDAY PERSON, BIG ON DECORATIONS....

AND SO, THAT YEAR, 2003, CHRISTMAS CAME AND WENT......I WAITED FOR JIMMY TO COME HOME, BUT HE DIDN'T....NO MIRACLES HAPPENED THAT YEAR , FOR ME.

I REFUSED TO TAKE THE TREES AND DECORATIONS DOWN, IN EXPECTATION THAT JIMMY WOULD BE HOME.........

AND SO, THE SPRING CAME........

THE TRRES AND DECORATIONS STAYED.

IT WAS MAY 2004.

JIMMY BEGGED ME TO TAKE THE DECORATIONS DOWN.

I SAID, I LIKE THE GLOW OF THE LIGHTS, AND THE DARK ROOM...I FEEL COMFORTABLE HERE, IN MY COZY HOUSE.

UPON HIS INSISTING, I TOOK EVERYTHING DOWN.

"OPEN UP THE WINDOWS, AND BLINDS.......LET IN THE FRESH SPRING AIR, AND SUNSHINE, FRAN," HE BEGGED ME.

AND SO I DID WHAT HE ASKED....AND IT WAS NICE TO LET GO OF CHRISTMAS AND LET IN THE NEW YEAR, AND THE SPRING..............."FRAN, I WANT SUNSHINE IN THAT HOUSE.  I WANT THE CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS GONE, "  MY HUSBAND INSTRUCTEDME, FROM PRISON.

THE FOLLOWING CHRISTMAS, WHICH WAS LAST YEAR, I BOUGHT ONE NEW DECORATION, AND PUT IT ON MY TABLE...........IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL STATUE OF A DEER..IT IS MADE OF WIRE, AND FILLED WITH WHITE STONES......THE STANCE OF THE DEER, IS THAT HIS HEAD IS TURNED UPWARDS, LOOKING TO THE SKY.................HE IS MY INSPIRATION.......

THIS IS THE THIRD CHRISTMAS.  I PUT THE SAME DEER ON THE TABLE, AS HE LOOKS UPWARD TO THE SKY..........

WELL, ENOUGH OF MY THOUGHTS FOR NOW.....I COULD GO ON AND ON, BUT I DON'T WANT TO BORE YOU, IN THIS HAPPY AND EXCITING SEASON........HAVE FUN....HAVE A NICE DAY............FRAN

SNOW FALL

YES IT DID SNOW LAST NIGHT....JUST A LITTLE, BUT ENOUGH FOR ME TO STAY IN THE HOUSE, AS I CAN'T WEAR SHOES, NO LESS BOOTS....

I LIKE TO SAY IT IS "SNOW-DROPS" THAT FILL THE LAWN AND SIDEWALKS....JIMMY ALWAYS SAYS TO ME, "IT'S SNOWFLAKES, YOU SILLY GOOSE, NOT SNOW DROPS!"....WELL, I LIKE TO CREATE MY OWN IDEA, IT SOUNDS SO MUCH PRETTIER THAT WAY!

AND SO. LIFE GOES ON, I GUESS...............

AS THE WINTER DAYS PROCEED, MY COMPUTER BECOMES MY BEST FRIEND, MORE THAN EVER..........

I EVEN GET BORED TALKING TO PRINCE, MY DOG ALL DAY............POOR PRINCE. HE LOOKS OUT THE WINDOW, AND WATCHES THE WORLD GO BY....WONDERING WHERE JIMMY IS.......

MY POOR PRINCE...HIS 2 DADDIES LEFT HIM IN LIFE..........THE FIRST MAN I WAS WITH, WELL PRINCE JUST LOVED HIM..........HE WOULD WALK HIM IN THE PARK, AND FEED HIM.....AND NOW JIMMY IS AWAY.....HIS DADDY WHO BRINGS HIM ON LONG WALKS............AND THEY WONDER WHY MY DOG IS A LITTLE CRAZY........CAN YOU BLAME HIM?................HE FEELS ABANDONED TWICE IN LIFE.  YOU SEE, PRINCE IS A "MAN'S DOG."       HE LOVES ME, BUT HE IS ALWAYS "ON GUARD," TO PROTECT ME...........WITH A MAN, HIS DADDY, PRINCE CAN RELAX AND ENJOY LIFE, AS HE KNOWS THE MAN IS THE 'ALPHA" IN THIS FAMILY..............

I'LL MAKE SOME COFFEE NOW..........STARBUCKS, DECAF........IT'S REALLY GOOD.......

I'LL FEED THE ANIMALS, AND READ THE NEWSPAPERS.

I'LL PUT THE RADIO ON FOR ANOTHER DAY OF CHRISTMAS MUSIC!.....AND MAYBE PULL OUT MY CHRISTMAS CD'S........

YES, LIFE GETS LONLIER NOW THAT THE WINTER PROCEEDS......

JIMMY DOESN'T EVEN CALL ME ANYMORE, TO WAKE ME UP IN THE MORNING.....I ALWAYS WAITED FOR HIS CALL IN THE MORNING, THAT NEVER COMES ANYMORE..........I GUESS HE'S JUST A LITTLE TOO BUSY, BECAUSE HOLIDAY TIMES ARE BUSY TIMES IN STORES...

HE CALLED ME LAST NIGHT FROM KINTOCK, AND HE HUNG UP BEFORE I COULD REACH THE PHONE...........HE SAID SOMETHING LIKE , "you must be sleeping.  I had a very busy day today......you are what i live for.....i love you baby......" WELL I WAS SLEEPING, BUT HE IS SO FAST, HE DIDN'T GIVE ME A CHANCE TO ROLL OVER AND ANSWER THE PHONE.

IT IS VERY STRANGE, TO WRITE ALL MY THOUGHTS IN THIS JOURNAL...YOU KNOW ABOUT ME, MORE THAN I KNOW ABOUT MYSELF....YOU ARE PART OF THE STRONG RELATIONSHIP AND LOVE JIMMY AND I  HAVE FOR EACH OTHER..................

WELL, I'LL GO NOW...HOPING YOU ALL HAVE A REAL NICE DAY.................FRAN

FIRST SNOWFALL IS ON IT'S WAY

WELL, I VENTURED OUT OF THE HOUSE TODAY, TO GET SOME FOOD SUPPLIES, AS THE FIRST SNOW STORM FOR NEW JERSEY IS ON IT'S WAY, TONIGHT, WITH A PREDICTION OF 2 TO 4 INCHES.  I BOUGHT LOTS OF STUFF, AND LOOKED AT ALL THE HOLIDAY THINGS....I EVEN BOUGHT SEVERAL BOXES OF CHRISTMAS CARDS, TO GET INTO THE HOLIDAY SPIRIT...........IT IS ALWAYS THE SAME....EVERYTHING IS FINE, BUT WHEN I GET BACK HERE, TO AN EMPTY HOUSE WITHOUT JIMMY, I REALLY SAY TO MYSELF, "WHAT'S THE SENSE OF IT ALL?"  (trying and pretending to be happy, that is).

ONE THING FOR CERTAIN, IN OUR CULTURE, YOU JUST CAN'T RUN AWAY FROM CHRISTMAS....IT IS THERE EVERYWHERE YOU TURN........

ONE CHRISTMAS WITHOUT YOUR LOVED ONE IS HARD.....

THE SECOND YEAR GETS HARDER.....

AND WELL, THE THIRD YEAR, WHICH IS THIS YEAR , IS EVEN HARDER AGAIN.......

JIMMY IS BUSY AT THE STORE....TODAY WAS A VERY HECTIC AND CRAZY DAY FOR HIM, BECAUSE ALL THE "CRAZIES" ARE OUT THERE, FOR THE HOLIDAYS.............I TOLD HIM, "I KNOW, HONEY.  THAT'S HOW IT WAS FOR ME, WHEN I WORKED IN A LARGE HOSPITAL IN NEW YORK CITY.  AS THE HOLIDAYS APPROACHED, PEOPLE WOULD EMERGE OUT OF THE WOODWORK.  I KNOW HOW IT IS TO WORK IN A LARGE METROPOLITAN CITY."....................

AND SO, HE CONTINUES TO TELL ME THAT I AM THE ONE THAT "KEEPS HIM GOING."

"I THINK ABOUT YOU ALL DAY, JIMMY."

"I HOPE YOU ARE THINKING ABOUT ME. I WOULDN'T WANT YOU THINKING ABOUT SOMEONE ELSE ALL DAY," HE JOKINGLY TELLS ME.

HE TELLS ME THIS STORY, LAUGHING INTO THE PHONE......"SOME LADY CAME INTO THE STORE, ACCUSING ME OF TAKING HER 2 CHICKENS AND EATING THEM....SHE STARTED CALLING ME ALL SORTS OF NAMES."

"DID SHE MEAN LIVE CHICKENS, OR COOKED CHICKENS, JIMMY?"

"I DON'T KNOW , FRAN."...........HE WAS LAUGHING..........."YOU JUST CAN'T IMAGINE WHAT GOES ON HERE.  THE PEOPLE ARE JUST INSANE."

"I KNOW JIMMY, THAT'S HOW BIG CITIES ARE."

I'M LUCKY TO HAVE A HUSBAND WHO TAKES THINGS LIGHTLY, ANDCAN LAUGH ABOUT THINGS........I MEAN, HE IS SERIOUS ABOUT HIS JOB, BUT HE DOESN'T LET THINGS BOTHER HIM.

HE TOLD ME HOW CUSTOMERS WERE FIGHTING IN THE PARKING LOT, AND THE POLICE HAD TO BE CALLED.....

WELL, ON ANOTHER NOTE, I 'LL CONTINUE WITH "FRAN'S CHRISTMAS LIST."  AS I TALKED ABOUT THIS WITH JIMMY, HE SAID, EVEN A SMILE CAN BE A GOOD DEED, FOR SOMEONE SAD OR LONELY............SO WHEN I WENT OUT SHOPPING, I LOOKED TO FULFILL THE 3RD DAY OF MY CHRISTMAS LIST...DOING GOOD FOR OTHERS......

#3.....DECEMBER 3, 2005.............AS I WAS STANDING IN THE CHECK OUT LINE, AN ELDERLY WOMAN IN BACK OF ME STARTING TALKING TO ME.  SHE TOLD ME HOW SHE FELL IN THE PARKING LOT OF ANOTHER STORE LAST WEEK, AND BROKE HER FINGER AND SOME RIBS (her hand was in a splint).....SHE VERBALIZED TO ME THAT "SHE HATES LAWYERS."   :)     THEN SHE STARTED TELLING ME ABOUT HER HUSBAND WHO PASSED AWAY 2 YEARS AGO, AND SHE NOW LIVES ALONE.  I LISTENED TO THIS WOMAN FOR QUITE A LONG TIME, AND ALLOWED HER TO VERBALIZE WHAT WAS ON HER MIND ( THE LOSS OF HER HUSBAND)...I ALSO LET HER KNOW I WAS A NURSE.  I LET HER KNOW I WAS THERE TO LISTEN.  IT WAS A BRIEF ENCOUNTER FOR A FEW MINUTES, BUT I FELT HAPPY THAT I WAS THERE FOR HER..........

EACH DAY I WILL FIND SOMETHING TO HELP OTHERS....STAY TUNED FOR TOMORROW!

"WHAT IS CHRISTMAS?"

"CHRISTMAS IS GIVING."........and it need not only be monetary.....it can be a thing, a thought, or a wish............BE CREATIVE IN YOUR CHRISTMAS GIFTS, TO THOSE YOU LOVE, AND TO HUMANITY , IN GENERAL!

WITH LOVE, AND CHRISTMAS WISHES...............FRAN

 

SOUTH WOODS PRISON

JIMMY WENT TO "SOUTHWOODS PRISON," TODAY........DON'T GET SCARED!.......IT WAS FOR A MANDATORY MEDICAL VISIT.... 

HE DIDN'T CALL ME ALL DAY, AND I WAS WONDERING WHY...THEN, HE CALLED ME AROUND 5PM...........HE SAID, "FRAN, AS I WAS SIGNING OUT OF KINTOCK TO GO TO WORK THIS MORNING AT 11 AM, THEY TOLD ME I MUST GO ACROSS THE STREET TO SOUTHWOODS PRISON, TO SEE THE DOCTOR.....SO, A GROUP OF MEN WERE TAKEN THERE.  THEY WAITED ALL DAY, AND NEVER SAW THE DOCTOR.  THEY WERE BROUGHT BACK TO KINTOCK AT 4 PM....AND THEN MY HUSBAND STILL WENT TO WORK, TAKING THE 2 1/2 HOUR BUS TRIP THERE TO ATLANTIC CITY.  (he thinks the medical is because he is getting ready for parole, and they always are seen ).

I GUESS YOU COULD SAY, TODAY WAS A GOOD DAY FOR ME....SEVERAL "GOOD THINGS" HAPPENED, AND SEVERAL PROBLEMS GOT SOLVED, FOR ME.

WELL, I DECIDED TO GO ON WITH MY CHRISTMAS PROJECT, AS I TOLD YOU YESTERDAY............IT IS A CHALLENGE FOR ME, TO THINK OF SOMETHING I CAN DO , EACH DAY FROM NOW UNTIL CHRISTMAS TO HELP ANOTHER HUMAN BEING, A GROUP OF PEOPLE, OR ANIMALS...........

SO NOW, I FEEL THAT I HAVE BEEN GIVEN A "MISSION, " DURING THIS HOLIDAY SEASON, TO FIND ONE GOOD THING EVERYDAY, TO HELP SOMEONE...........

SO, I SEARCH THE NEWSPAPER FOR IDEAS....I SEARCH MY BRAIN FOR IDEAS...AND I'M ON THE LOOK-OUT....THIS WILL HELP DIVERT MY MIND FROM ANY NEGATIVITIES THAT MAY BE THERE, HANGING AROUND, DURING THIS HOLIDAY SEASON.  IT'S FUNNY, BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT MAY BE DIFFICULT, BUT THINGS KEPT POPPING UP IN FRONT OF ME ALL DAY. AS YOU MAY KNOW, IT IS DIFFICULT FOR ME, BECAUSE I AM DISABLED, AND CAN ONLY GO OUT TO THE FOOD STORE...SO, I DON'T HAVE "ACCESS' TO MUCH, BUT THAT IS WHERE THE "CREATIVITY" COMES IN............I TOLD JIMMY ABOUT THIS PROJECT, AND HE THINKS IT'S A REAL GOOD IDEA......

SO, HERE GOES.....

 

 "FRAN'S CHRISTMAS LIST OF DOING FOR OTHERS"

 

DEC. 1. 2005.............I SENT AN E-MAIL TO MY SISTER AND AUNT, (which had been sent to me by a reader of this journal), OF SEVERAL SKETCHES OF JESUS "SMILING," AS HE CRADLED BABIES AND CHILDREN IN HIS ARMS...........I FOUND THE SKETCHES UNUSUAL, AND CALMING AND SOOTHING, AND I HOPE THEY DID , TOO........(24 more days till christmas)

DEC. 2, 2005............I HAD A $20.00 GIFT-CARD FOR "KOHL'S " SITTING IN MY DRAWER FOR 2 YEARS, GIVEN TO ME AS A GIFT.  I AM UNABLE TO DRIVE TO KOHL'S , SO I SENT THE CARD TO A FAMILY FRIEND  (senior citizen), ROSIE, WITH A NOTE THAT SAYS HOPE SHE WILL BUY HERSELF SOMETHING NICE.  (23 more days till christmas)

I'LL LET YOU NOW WHAT I DO EACH DAY.....I ALREADY HAVE MANY IDEAS IN MY HEAD, AND FEEL EXCITED TO DO THIS!  IT ACTUALLY OPENS UP MY MIND TO UNDERSTAND THAT A PERSON LIKE ME, WHO IS HOME ALMOST ALL THE TIME, HAS TO HAVE A DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE ON THINGS....AND I WILL PROVE IT TO MYSELF THIS HOLIDAY SEASON..............................LOVE, FRAN

 

RESPONSE TO COMMENT

DEAR BETTY,

THANK YOU FOR YOUR PROMPT ANSWER AND COMMENT....I AM SITTING HERE, CRYING, AND YOUR COMMENT POPPED UP, A FEW MINUTES AFTER I WROTE THE ENTRY............YOU DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH YOUR COMMENT MEANT TO ME....I AM REALLY VERY TOUCHED BY IT.....,,,I KNOW, I SHOULD NOT TAKE MY UNHAPPINESS OUT ON JIMMY..........BY NOT TALKING TO HIM, THAT IS THE ONE THING TO MAKE HIM CRY...YES, MY BIG STRONG MAN, WHO IS IN A BIG , TOUGH PRISON, AND I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN MAKE HIM CRY..................

JIMMY ALWAYS TELLS ME THAT THE ONE THING YOU DON'T WANT TO SHOW IN PRISON, IS THAT YOU ARE A WEAK MAN.................................BUT YES, JIMMY HAS A STREAK OF WEAKNESS, AND THAT IS ME...........I AM THE ONE WHO CAN MAKE HIM CRY.......

I KNOW THAT HE HAS TO PROVE HIMSELF IN THIS JOB...IT IS IMPORTANT , SO HE CAN COME HOME, SOON.

YOU ARE RIGHT........JESUS WOULDN'T WANT ME TO BE MEAN AND ACT LIKE THIS...............

IT'S JUST THAT I THOUGHT FOR ONE SMALL MINUIE THAT THINGS WOULD BE DIFFERENT THIS YEAR.......

I'M STILL CRYING........CAN YOU FEEL MY TEARDROPS IN MONTANA.........?

IT'S JUST THAT CHRISTMAS IS SUCH A SENTIMENTAL TIME OF YEAR............AND ALL THE SENTIMENTAL CHRISTMAS SONGS KEEP PLAYING ON THE RADIO....

I FEEL BETTER NOW, BETTY.........I THINK YOU ARE PRAYING FOR ME RIGHT NOW, AND I CAN FEEL IT HERE, IN NEW JERSEY, ALL THE WAY FROM MONTANA.......THANK YOU SO MUCH...

YES, I WILL BE A GOOD WIFE TO JIMMY........I WILL SUPPORT HIM, WITH HIS JOB, ETC......

I WILL TALK TO HIM WHEN HE CALLS LATER....

WHAT I WILL DO, IN A LITTLE WHILE, IS FIND SOMETHING I CAN FOCUS MY MIND ON...SOME LITTLE PROJECT THAT I CAN DO, EACH DAY, IN TRYING TO HELP OTHER PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD..........EVERY DAY. I WILL DO IT.......I'M NOT SURE WHAT IT WILL BE.........I'LL BE CREATIVE, AND TRY TO FOCUS MY MIND ON SOMETHING..........iT WILL BE MY LITTLE PROJECT....IT WILL BE CALLED "24 DAYS TILL CHRISTMAS."........and everyday, i will find someyhing to help others......MAYBE SOMETHING LIKE WRITTING A LETTER TO A CHILD , WHO IS ILL, OR HAS A DADDY IN PRISON.......

AS I AM WRITING THIS, I JUST GOT 2 MORE COMMENTS , FROM PEOPLE WHO ARE SUPPORTING ME, GUIDING ME TO DO THE RIGHT THING, AND STANDING BY ME.......

YES, KATH, YOU ARE RIGHT.......JIMMY HAS NO CONTROL OVER HIS WORK SCHEDULE, AND I SHOULD NOT PUNISH HIM BY NOT TALKING TO HIM.....

AND MANDYMEME, WROTE A BEAUTIFUL COMMENT.....SHE IS MAKING ME CRY , AGAIN.........MANDY HAS 3 CHILDREN TO RAISE, WITH HER HUSBAND IN PRISON...A BABY SHE HAD WHILE HE WAS IN JAIL...SHE DOESN'T KNOW HOW MUCH LONGER SHE HAS TO BE ALONE...........SHE ONLY WISHES SHE COULD SEE HER HUSBAND IN 10 DAYS.......

YES, I WILL DO THE RIGHT THING...AND CHANGE MY MODE OF THINKING............I'M GOING TO PRAY REAL HARD TONITE, TO MAKE ME STRONGER, AND FOCUS ON THOSE IN NEED..........

SEE, EVERYONE READING THIS, PRISONER'S WIVES ARE A UNIQUE GROUP OF PEOPLE, WITH UNIQUE NEEDS.......

THAT IS WHAT MAKES THIS JOURNAL SO SPECIAL......WE  CAN COME HERE, AND TALK, AND LISTEN TO ONE ANOTHER, AND KNOW WE ARE NOT ALONE IN OUR THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS.............THANK YOU SO MUCH..........I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER NOW............FRAN

 

UPSETTING NEWS

I JUST TALKED TO JIMMY, AND HE REALLY UPSET ME...HE WILL NOT HAVE A DAY OFF FROM THE STORE UNTIL 12/10, AND 12/11............THAT IS A VERY LONG TIME FROM NOW, ESPECIALLY DURING A HOLIDAY SEASON..............BUT, I DO KNOW HOW TO GET BACK AT HIM...........I WILL NOT ANSWER THE PHONE FOR THE NEXT FEW DAYS.................I WILL NOT TALK TO HIM.......................THAT ALSO MEANS I WILL HAVETO GO SIT IN THE ER BY MYSELF ON MONDAY........THAT ALSO MEANS WE WILL NOT BE GOING TO THE CHURCH DINNER AND DANCE..............WELL, I GUESS I JUST CAN'T WIN IN LIFE, AND THIS PROVES IT..........

december thoughts

WELL, HERE WE ARE....IT'S DECEMBER AGAIN!

I STAYED IN BED , MOST OF THE DAY, UNDER THE WARM COVERS, AND SURROUNDED BY MISTY AND JIMBO, OUR CATS, AND PRINCE, OUR DOG...THAT IS A GOOD PLACE FOR ME TO BE!.....AWAY FROM THE HOLIDAY PEOPLE, AND CROWDS...SAFE HERE AT HOME!

IT'S OK....PLEASE ENJOY THE HOLIDAYS, EVERYONE!..I ENJOY IT, IF YOU ENJOY IT!

OH OK, LET'S MAKE A NICE CUP OF COCOA, NOW, AND SETTLE IN....THE COLD AIR BLEW IN, AS I OPENED THE BACK DOOR, TO GET THE NEWSPAPER..........BRRRRRRR...IT'S COLD HERE IN SOUTH JERSEY..........IS SNOW IN THE FORECAST?.........DON'T KNOW.  HAVEN'T LISTENED TO THE RADIO TODAY.......I HAVE THE TV ON, HERE IN THE COMPUTER ROOM, AND MY HUSBAND ALWAYS INSISTS TO HAVE A TV, OR RADIO ON AT ALL TIMES.....HE DOESN'T LIKE SILENCE........AS FOR ME, I LIKE IT QUIET EVERY NOW AND THEN..........MY HUSBAND EVEN INSISTS TO SLEEP WITH THE TV ON....I CAN'T DO IT, I NEED QUIET, AND SOMETHING LIKE A HUMMMMMMMMM...OF A MOTOR OR FAN, TO RELAX TO.  I HAVE OFTEN TESTED JIMMY.  HE SAYS HE LEARNS IN HIS SLEEP FROM THE TV......SO, I'LL ASK HIM ABOUT THINGS IN THE NEWS, THAT WERE PLAYING WHILE HE SLEPT........SURE ENOUGH, HE HEARD WHAT THEY WERE SAYING WHILE HE  SLEPT........WHAT A HUSBAND , I HAVE!...HE IS ABLE TO RECITE TO ME WHAT WAS SAID......

AND SO, JIMMY IS AS HAPPY AS CAN BE!............THAT'S JUST HOW HE IS , IN ANY SITUATION!..........HE IS WORKING AWAY..HAPPY AS CAN BE!......."WHISTLE WHILE YOU WORK!".........THAT IS JIMMY, AND I JUST LOVE HIM SO!.....HE HAS A VERY STRONG WORK ETHIC, AND I LOVE THAT IN A MAN!...............TODAY IS HIS BUSY DAY AT THE STORE.....THE 1ST OF THE MONTH........

I ANALYZED JIMMY THROUGH OUR YEARS OF MARRIAGE......WHAT MAKES THIS MAN KEEP GOING?"  IS IT "ENERGIZER BATTERIES?"......NO................JIMMY TAUGHT ME TO TAKE SMALL BREAKS WHEN I AM DOING SOMETHING, LETS SAY CLEANING THE HOUSE........HE MAKES ME STOP, AND SIT DOWN......HE TELLS ME, "FRAN, IF YOU CAN'T DO IT ALL TODAY, IT'S OK...THERE'S ALWAYS TOMORROW.".............SO  THAT'S WHAT MAKES JIMMY "TICK."..........HE "PACES" HIMSELF, AND IN THE LONG RUN, ACCOMPLISHES MORE...........

WELL, THANKS FOR ALL YOUR BEAUTIFUL COMMENTS IN THE LAST ENTRY!........THEY REALLY TOUCHED MY HEART.  I ASKED JIMMY IF HE DELETED THAT TERRIBLE PIX OF ME.....HE SAID "no, it's still there."  I JOKED AND SAID, "WELL MAYBE WE SHOULD USE THAT PIX AS THE "POSTER WOMAN" FOR CRIMINAL'S WIVES.........WHAT I MEAN IS, WE CAN HANG IT UP, IN PLACES LIKE THE POST OFFICE, WITH A SUB TITLE THAT SAYS,   "CRIMINAL...STOP!............BEFORE YOU COMMIT THAT CRIME, STOP AND THINK !...IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT YOUR WIFE TO LOOK LIKE WHEN YOU ARE INCARCERATED?"......................I'M SURE THAT FACE WILL STOP MEN IN THEIR TRACKS!

ONE PREVIOUS COMMENT MEANT SO MUCH TO ME, BECAUSE IT WAS WRITTEN BY A MILITARY WIFE, WHO IDENTIFIED WITH MY EXPERIENCE, DURING THHE BEGINNING OF JIMMY'S INCARCERATION.............YES, IT IS A STRANGE FEELING TO BE THERE....IT IS A DIFFERENT DIMENSION OF TIME AND SPACE.........MANY WOMEN IN DIFFERENT SITUATIONS GO THROUGH THIS........PEOPLE IN VERY TERRIBLE SITUATIONS...(such as tsunami and katrina victims).  I THINK IT IS PROBABLY A DEFENSE MECHANISM OF THE HUMAN BODY AND MIND THAT KICKS IN, WHEN A VERY STRESSFUL, ALMOST UNBELIEVABLE SITUATION OCCURS IF THEIR LIFE.....THEY ARE WALKING IN A "NEVER-NEVER LAND," A PLACE THAT IS NOT THE HERE AND NOW.......THEY ARE TOTALLY DETACHED FROM REALITY.........THEY WALK AROUND, WITH THEIR HEAD IN A CLOUD.......THEY CAN'T HEAR PEOPLE TALKING TO THEM.....THEY CAN'T HEAR A TV PROGRAM........PEOPLE AROUND THEM DON'T EVEN KNOW THEY ARE GOING THROUGH THIS UNREAL EXISTENCE...........LET US NOW, DURING THIS HOLOIDAY SEASON, BE AWARE OF PEOPLE LIKE THIS, THAT WE MAY KNOW OR MEET........THE PERSON IS TOO SUBMERGED IN THEIR OWN GRIEF...SO YOU MUST BE AWARE OF THEM, AND TRY TO UNDERSTAND THEM............TRUTHFULLY THERE IS LITTLE TO DO, BUT TO LISTEN TO THE PERSON, AND LET THEM KNOW, THAT WITH THE PASSAGE OF TIME, THEIR THOUGHTS WILL STRAIGHTEN OUT, AUTIMATICALLY....THE HEALING WILL TAKE PLACE, AND EVERYTHING WILL BEGIN TO MAKE SENSE.........YES, EVERYTHING IS BASED ON "TIME."

"LOVEROBIN32," IN THE LAST COMMENT SAYS, "I WOULD LOOK IN THE MIRROR, AND DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHO I WAS.  I SLEPT SOMETIMES 2 HOURS A NIGHT...."

YES, IT WAS THE SAME FOR ME, EXCEPT THAT I BEGAN TO SLEEP ALOT.......IT WAS THE ONLY PLACE TO GO TO FOR REFUGE........SO, I WOULD LIE IN BED, AND PRETEND JIMMY WAS WITH ME, AND THEN I WOULD DREAM...MY SLEEP BECAME MY SAFEST PLACE IN LIFE.....NO ONE COULD HARM ME THERE, AND I COULD COMMUNICATE WITH JIMMY THROUGH MY MIND WHILE ASLEEP......I WASN'T SURE WHO I WAS, AT THAT TIME,,,THERE WERE A LOT OF PEOPLE IN ME COMING FORWARD AND I WASN'T SURE WHO I WAS ANYMORE.....I ACTUALLY TOOK MIRRORS, AND WOULD PLACE THEM IN VARIOUS PLACES IN THE HOUSE..........I NEEDED TO ACTUALLY "SEE" MY REFLECTION, TO KNOW I WAS STILL ALIVE AND FUNCTIONING AS A HUMAN BEING........YES, I NEEDED TO SEE THAT "I WAS A PERSON."  I JUST RECENTLY TOOK THE MIRRORS AWAY, AS JIMMY WAS A LITTLE SURPRISED TO FIND THEM THERE.

WELL......HOPE YOU ALL HAVE A REAL GOOD NITE, AND TAKING IT MOMENT BY MOMENT, EVEN 'YOU" CAN MAKE IT THROUGH A TRYING TIME......THERE ARE THOSE OF US OUT HERE, WHO HAVE GONE THROUGH THOSE VERY ROUGH TIMES, EVEN THOUGH YOU MAY NOT HEAR IT PUBLICIZED A LOT...WE ARE HERE..................WITH LOVE, FRAN