DE-CLUTTERING AND CLEANING FOR JIMMY

I SPENT TODAY CLEANING AND DE-CLUTTERING THE HOUSE IN ANTICIPATION FOR JIMMY'S ARRIVAL HOME......AT LEAST IT MAKES THE TIME PASS QUICKER, IF NOTHING ELSE.  HOWEVER, I CAN'T BE TOO EAGER...YOU SEE, I'M ALMOST AFRAID TO GET TOO EXCITED ABOUT ANYTHING....DURING THESE PAST 18 MONTHS, I LOST A LOT OF TRUST IN THE WORLD, SO I AM CAUTIOUS , UNTIL I AM DEFINETLY SURE HE IS COMING HOME.....

TOMORROW, ONE OF HIS FELLOW INMATES IS GOING HOME.  HE HAS BEEN IN PRISON FOR 4 YEARS, .....HE REALIZES THE MISTAKE HE MADE IN HIS LIFE....HE REFORMED, MET A WOMAN WHILE IN PRISON, WHOM HE PLANS TO MARRY.  HE IS SO EXCITED!....I SPOKE WITH HIM ON THE PHONE, AND HE IS VERY HAPPY, AND WE ARE HAPPY FOR HIM.  HE ALSO STUDIED THE CATHOLIC FAITH WHILE IN PRISON, INSPIRED BY MY HUSBAND, AND HAS TURNED HIMSELF OVER TO GOD......HE IS THE PRIME EXAMPLE OF A YOUNG FELLOW WHO HAS CHANGED HIS LIFE WHILE IN PRISON, AND WE WISH HIM LUCK!..............................AND SO , YOU CAN SEE, NOT EVERYONE IN PRISON IS A "BAD" PERSON, ALTHOUGH THE POPULAR BELIEF IS THAT ALL CRIMINALS ARE BAD PEOPLE!

I HAVE GATHERED 4 BAGS OF MY OLD CLOTHES THAT I WILL GIVE AWAY....I RE-ARRANGED THE KITCHEN CABINETS .....I HAVE GOTTEN RID OF LOTS OF GARBAGE....IT FEELS GOOD TO GET RID OF STUFF, AND TO "START OVER AFRESH."..... A NEW BEGINNING!

I HAVE A HUSBAND WHO IS A CLEANLINESS FREAK!  I'M SERIOUS!  HE LOVES TO CLEAN....HE CAN'T WAIT TO COME HOME AND START CLEANING, BELIEVE IT OR NOT!....(OF COURSE, I COME FIRST, THEN HE'LL CLEAN).  AT THE HALF-WAY HOUSE HE COOKS IN THE KITCHEN.  ONE DAY RECENTLY, NO ONE KNEW HOW TO CLEAN THE "GREASE TRAP" IN THE STOVE.  AS A MATTER OF FACT, NO ONE EVEN KNEW WHERE IT WAS!.....OF COURSE, MY JIMMY KNEW!....AND HE WENT ABOUT DOING THE JOB OF CLEANING IT...THE OTHER GUYS STOOD AROUND AND WATCHED , ALMOST GETTING SICK TO THEIR STOMACHS, AS IT IS A VERY MESSY JOB, TO SAY THE LEAST.  AND THESE GUYS REALIZED HOW JIMMY KNOWS ABOUT RESTAURANT KITCHENS, ETC.........BECAUSE JIMMY HAS OWNED 7 RESTAURANTS IN HIS LIFETIME, INCLUDING BARS , DELI'S AND HOTELS....JIMMY IS A VERY KNOWLEDGEBLE MAN. AS I ALWAYS SAY.............THE BEAUTY OF JIMMY IS THAT HE CAN DO WORK ON ANY LEVEL..........HE CAN BE THE BOSS, AND HE CAN COOK THE FOOD, TOO....THE OTHER DAY HE HAD TO WASH DISHES, AS THE DISHWASHER WAS NOT AT WORK...AND HE TOLD ME HE ENJOYED IT!....WASHING THE DISHES, GAVE HIM TIME TO THINK ABOUT ME, AND ALSO REVIEW HIS PAST LIFE, AS HE WASHED THE DISHES.  HE SAID IT WAS SOOTHING TO HIS SOUL..........OH, I JUST LOVE JIMMY!...HE IS AN INCREDIBLE MAN.........HIS I.Q. IS AT A VERY HIGH LEVEL.  HE IS OFTEN MIS-UNDERSTOOD BY THE WORLD.  PEOPLE LIKE HIM NEED A LOT OF STIMULATION, AS THEY GET BORED EASILY.  IT TOOK ME, HIS WIFE, TO REALLY UNDERSTAND HIM.....................

WELL. THANKS FOR READING MY JOURNAL, AND I ALWAYS ENJOY YOUR COMMENTS!

LOVE,       FRAN

THANKSGIVING THOUGHTS

Happy Thanksgiving!.......

Another Thanksgiving  rolls along...another holiday season begins!.....The stores are filled with the hustle and bustle!.......Joy and happiness fills the air!........Another year alone, for me....the second Thanksgiving alone.......I just don't know how wives of prisoners do it year after year, when their husband is incarcerated for many years......

I asked Jimmy once, "Would you have married me if you had a long prison term, let's say 10 years?"........His answer was, "No, simply because I wouldn't have put you through that....to live alone , with your husband in prison."......Married or not, I know I would have been here for him.....simply because I love him, and there is no one else like him on this planet!"

I forgot to ask Jimmy today on the phone if he is cooking turkey and stuffing and sweet potatoes, and pumpkin pie for the residents on Thanksgiving..............I doubt they will have Thanksgiving dinner!.................Today for dinner they had hot dogs!

Yesterday, Jimmy was allowed to go out to a store , supervised with around 14 other guys.  They rode a bus there, and Jimmy bought his soap and toothpaste there....He was happy to get out for awhile....

Today was Family Orientation, and visitation for 2 hours.   I feel sad because I couldn't make it....I have a special note from the doctor that I'm unable to travel, with my foot surgery, and the fact that I'm legally blind.  The half-way house is around 2 hours away, and it is just too much for me....The summer of 2003, I would drive to Bayside Prison alone, and when I got there, my eyes were swollen, and I could barely see anymore.....Jimmy would make me close my eyes and try to rest them....my eyes and the muscles around them get very strained and tired.

And so, I didn't get to see Jimmy today..........But we are so excited, because his appearing before the parole board is coming up!.............All we talked about today, was how it will be to be together again, in each others arms.  He says he will keep me with him at all times....I am never to leave his side again!

During the visits today, a couple were caught having sex in the bathroom......Need I say more?............I don't think it was worth risking getting caught, because now the fellow has been sent back to prison, and he was going home on parole soon....A few moments of erotic physical pleasure is just not worth going back to prison for.  People just don't seem to use their heads.....

Well, I'm going to bed now,to think of my Jimmy.....that is how we have gotten through these 18 months, by just thinking about each other, and imagining we are with each other................................Love,  Fran

"I REMEMBER"

I remember the day I met Jimmy on line......and then we spoke on the phone....

I remember telling Jimmy, "We will talk on the phone, and then you will hang up, and probably never talk to me again!".......Jimmy said, "You are wrong Fran.  I will call again....I will talk to you forever.."...and so, we did talk on the phone forever.....When I married my Jimmy, I knew him almost totally by his voice,
  as we lived 2500 miles apart, and had spent a minimal amount of time actually together.  In actuality, we had spent 1 weekend together in Las Vegas, when he flew there and met me.......the next time I saw him, was when he flew back to marry me...He landed Sarurday nite, and we got married the next day.

And not only did we speak on the phone.....but I mean, we spoke and spoke and spoke, like every few hours we were talking.....Oddly enough, a large part of our relationship has been by phone....today, 18 months later, after his imprisonment, you can imagine how many times it is we spoke on the phone...........we speak at least 3 times a day........sometimes 4, 5, or 6..............calculate that and see what the figure is!...........Jimmy never has been away from me because of that phone.....he knows everything going on in the household, and about me, because of that phone!.............I'M lucky to have a "HIGH TECH" husband, who loves the latest technology....Our home is also high tech....Jimmy left me a notebook with all written instructions on how to operate all the hi tech stuff in our house!...Even on the phone he instructs me about the computer and how to re-program the tv, etc!

I remember that I kept the phone next to me in bed.....he would call me at various times throughout the night.....

I remember that after 2 weeks, he sent me a cell phone in the mail ....he was in New Jersey, I was in Las Vegas.........and with the cell phones and the house phone, we were forever connected....

Jimmy would wake me up for work....I would call him when I arrived at the hospital....He called as soon as I stepped in the door from work, in the morning.....I had my cell at work.....we talked at intervals while I worked in the hospital, he was working as a Bailbondsman.....We spokeall the time.....I called him from the parking lot when I arrived to food shop....and then in the store........he simply wanted to hear my voice all the time.........And I wanted to hear his voice.......I am always protected by Jimmy, even though he may not be by my side at the moment...........

I remember Jimmy's romantic e-mails and e-mail cards......I keep everything in memory books, that are on the shelf now.....

I remember Jimmy's presents he sent me.....I still sleep with the little stuffed animals he sent me.....

Before Jimmy left for prison, he bought ne a life size stuffed animal of a bunny rabbit.....I put that bunny next to me in bed....in Jimmy's spot, when he left for prison 18 months ago.....and bunny is still there...

I remember Jimmy telling me, when I met him, that he had to turn himself in to do a prison sentence.....it did not phase me ....I love him unconditionally......and he was wonderful to me at all times......he was romantic, strong, loving.........and, he treated me like a lady........."LADY," became one of our favorite songs........Jimmy was the only man I ever knew who opened every door I walked through.........like a queen!.......he never let me open those doors myself..............even car doors....he was right around the car,on the passenger side opening my door.....What a man!.....Not only loving to his wife, but respectful, too........Do they make men like that anymore?!.

I remember he told me it should only be 5 months he would be gone.

It is now 18 months, going on 19...

I remember telling him in the early days of his imprisonment that it would be impossible for me to wait 2 years or so for him to come home.....I knew I would wait.  But the thought of all those days and time alone without him was mind boggling to me....I just couldn't do it..........and yet, I had to, because I love him, and there is no other man like him, for me.................

I remember sitting in my bedroom when he left, looking at the 4 walls....and I sat, and sat, andsat............And I stopped thinking....I stopped crying......I was unable in those first few days and months to think about anything.....I felt numb all over.....my range of thought was about a few minutes....gradually I could think about the next hour.....the next day.  I split the day into 2...the mornig and the evening....when evening came, I was relieved because another day was over.....and morning brought to it the anticipation that evening would soon be here, and the cycle continued...........what a way to live.............but only the strongest survive.................so survive I did........I put "TIME" into blocks....I made a game of minutes/hours/days/weeks/months................and belive it or not, it was my own way of coping with the whole situation..........I became obsessed doing it..........I started making lists of things to do, and as the months passed, I became obsessive/compulsive in doing things.........things had to suddenly get done, on time, and in the correct way.....................

I remember starting this journal last New Year's Eve.....and through the months it grew, and people started identifying with it....they liked it and read it............they were suddenly not alone....and I was not alone either...........sharing my thoughts with you  became very important to me, and I am very grateful to all of you, who stood by me through thick and thin.

The weeks after Jimmy left home, I remember putting a picture of him on the refridgerator door.....he looked so handsome........he wore a black blazer and it was nite.....it was on the boardwalk at seaside....the amusement rides in the background........the ferris wheel all aglow..........it was a romantic nite for the two of us.........................And so, I would go to that pix, and hug the refridgerator, and kiss the pix.........And several times a day I stood before that pix, and cried to Jimmy..........and I would stand there, hugging the big refridgerator..............................what strange things we do as prison wives........................

And so, I'm glad to remincse and think over the past with you......

Truthfully I'm happy it's today, and not yesterday.....it is Nov. 2004, and not Nov. 2003.........................I remember it all very well!

...OH, AND I MUST TELL YOU!......JIMMY COOKED 6OO PIECES OF CHICKEN FOR THE MEN TODAY.....HE ATE A BREAST AND A LEG...................IMAGINE 600 PIECES!.....AND WOMEN COMPLAIN WHEN THEY HAVE TO COOK DINNER FOR THE FAMILY!

WONDERFUL NEWS!

I HAVE SOME WONDERFUL NEWS!.........

ON FRIDAY, JIMMY GOT UP AS USUAL AT 3AM, AND WENT TO HIS JOB IN THE KITCHEN TO COOK......HE WAS TO  COOK EGGS AND HASH FOR 200 MEN, THAT DAY........

WHEN HIS CO-WORKERS SAW HIM THERE AT 3AM, THEY SAUD, 'JIMMY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE TODAY?  YOUR NAME IS ON THE BULLITIN BOARD, AND YOU ARE TO MEET WITH THE PAROLE  OFFICER AT 8AM.....TODAY.

JIMMY WAS SURPRISED AND SHOCKED!.....THE DAY HAD FINALLY ARRIVED!.....THE DAY WE WERE BOTH QUIETLY WAITING FOR.......JIMMY IS THE TYPE OF PERSON TO EMERGE HIMSELF IN HARD WORK........TO LET TIME PASS ON IT'S OWN, WITHOUT COUNTING THE MINUTES AND DAYS.........

SO, ON THAT WONDERFUL DAY, JIMMY COULD HAVE GONE BACK TO BED AND SLEEP A FEW MORE HOURS, BUT HE CHOSE TO CONTINUE TO COOK ..................AND THEN AT 6:30 AM, HE LEFT THE KITCHEN, WENT AND TOOK A SHOWER, AND WAS BROUGHT IN FRONT OF THE PAROLE OFFICER FOR AN INTERVIEW......IT WAS NOT IN PERSON, BUT TOOK PLACE ON A TV SCREEN.

THIS WAS THE INTERVIEW BEFORE HE GOES TO THE PAROLE BOARD......THAT MEANS IN AROUND 2 WEEKS (TENTATIVE TIME), AND THEY WILL DECIDE IF HE CAN COME HOME...............DARE I SAY THOSE WORDS?!.........YES, "COME HOME."

JIMMY WAS TOLD HE WAS APPROVED TO WEAR THE METAL DETECTOR BRACELET AROUND HIS ANKLE, SO THAT IS ALSO GOOD NEWS!

I HOPE YOU WILL ALL SHARE MY HAPPINESS WITH ME.........HOWEVER, I MUST REMIND YOU, AT THIS POINT, IT IS LIKE "WALKING ON EGGSHELLS.".....IS THAT HOW THE SAYING GOES?....OR IS IT "GLASS?"

.....AND SO, WITH GOD IN MY HEART, AND THE WORDS, "PEACE , BALANCE AND HARMONY,"   I WILL CONTINUE ON............

..............................................................LOVE, FRAN

VICTORY

"V" is for Victim or Victory........I choose "victory."...........The men in prison are not victims....I am aware of that...........they chose to commit the crime, and they are serving their time.....However, I realize that there are a lot of people in the USA commiting crimes, and they never get caught.........please remember that  the next time you light up a joint or snort cocaine, or whatever it is that people do. 

However, the families and loved ones  of the prisoner are the victims....they are the "innocent by-standers."  Unless they were an accomplice to their husband/son/boyfriend, they are in fact charged with a crime they never committed.

And I bet most of you Prison Wives would agree with me...................

AUTUMN NOTES

Jimmy is up for parole in a couple of weeks. At the same time, his weekend furloughs home will also start soon.....It seems like everything happens together!  I will first go to the half-way house where he is staying, for family orientation, then he will start coming home.  However, the first time will be a 9 hour meeting....They want an hour-by-hour account of what he will be doing for those 9 hours....I just can't imagine!  Can you?

We still talk everyday, several times a day, but phone bills are better now....He uses a phone card at the half-way house, or coins....they are direct calls....He can even call my cell phone.....

Everyone works there. He now works in the kitchen, cooking, and in the computer lab.  He goes to sleep at 8pm, and is up at 3 am, to cook breakfast for 200 men.  It is hard work, but my baby will do anything to get home.....so sweat, he doesn't mind.  He has also had several job interviews outside the half-way house, and he knows which one he'll pick, and that job should start shortly.....

last Saturday, I noticed my foot incision looked infected.  I called my Surgeon, who sent me to the hospital.  I took a taxi there...it was the most beautiful Autumn day......They kept me for 9 hours, finally releasing me at 12 midnight....They let me out into the night, and I took a taxi home....I never go out at night anymore, because of my eyesight.....and so I have a little infection and am on antibx once again......I feel good, though.....I don't even look sick.......However, as you may all know, my life has become one of doctors appointments.........I see the surgeon every week, have labs drawn everyweek, and see the medical doctor.....

I hope this journal is helping those Prison Wives, Girlfriends, Mothers, and other loved ones of prisoners.  Remember, you are not alone.  There are lots of us out there, who wait for their loved one to return.

We Prison Wives live in a different world than most other people.  We don't fit into a "category."  We are the least understood by society.  Our society understands widows, divorcees.....they understand the sick, the dying, the homeless, and orphans, amongst others.  But mention the word "prison, " and it is an automatic stigma.  It is only those of us going through it, that can understand.  There are some wonderful people who read my journal who are not connected with the prison system, and they understand it, and have compassion.

So therefore, I am happy to share my thoughts with you.

And as the saying goes, "life is worth living."

I've never been happier to be here in my warm home and bed, with my pets...Prince, Misty, and Jimbo....as we await Jimmy's return.

IT'S ME....

Hello, it's me!...........I'm still here, and would like to thank you all for your worries,and concerns about me.....the  many e-mails you sent....Gretchen, thank you so much for loving me....and also Dakota Rose and Adlessor, amongst all the others....You were all in my thoughts, and I never forgot for one minute about all of you, or this journal, but I was in a place where I could not reach you.....I'lll try to explain.........................

It's so good to be alive, and using this computer once again!

......""Even though I walk in the dark valley, I fear no evil. For You are at my side, with your rod and your staff that give me courage.".....(23rd psalm)

  ..............Yes, I walked in the dark valley....for the past 6 weeks I have been in the hospital, and nearly died, to put it bluntly.....I am at home now, and still very weak, amongst other things....

.....In retrospect, it is all like a bad dream......I almost don't realize that 6 weeks really passed by......I was a different person, I was not me......

And so, I'll tell you what happened..........It was all very sudden....It started with a toe that turned black and blue...I went to the ER and was admitted ....It turned gangene.....I went into toxic shock...I was septic....the infection was Staph....Mrsa....it quickly spread to my entire body.....I ran high fevers of 102 qnd 103, that never broke for 3 weeks or more....I was constantly shivering, like a leaf....I was given massive doses of antibiotics ( Vancomycin twice a day and another antibiotic).....nothing would break the fever, and it was at that point, I knew I was doomed.....the infection was taking me over.....I imagined myself as a wet cat in the bed....scrawny and sweating and tremoring and crying and not making sense...I imagined the hospital bed was a big ride twirling me around in the room up by the ceiling....And I would cry and not make sense.....I was crying for all the sadness in the world...and I was moaning continuosly with pain, not only in the foot, but all over my body with severe headaches.....and the thermometer they stiuck in my ear was a bee, as they monitored me day and night.....I had 8 specialist Doctors taking care of me.....My hemaglobin fell to around 8....I was very anemic and dehydrated.....They ran in IV fluids of Normal Saline at 150 cc/hr...........My legs had swollen up to 3 times their normal size.....the left foot with gangrene was swollen and very painful, as I was given IV Morphine for the pain.......And then the Vascular Doctor operated and not only amputated my 4th toe on my left foot, but removed a hugh abcess.....The size of rhe open wound was 9.5 cm long and 2.5 cm deep..it was, and still is deep, although healing....It was a large crator that literally split my foot in half.........After the surgery, and until this day, I have taken no pain medicine.....the foot has to be soaked and packed everyday, and I am doing that myself, now.

Well, the worst was not over!....Because I was on such heavy doses of antibiotics for around 1 month, the antibiotics stripped my immune system.....my hemaglobin kept falling, and I once again had to be transfused with 2 units packed cells.....even after the transfusion, it was still low.....so now, I am being given special shots every few days, for 3 times which will encourage my bone marrow to produce ...I am also on vitamins, iron, high doses of b vitamins, and protein supplements.....I was very depleted, and my lytes were way off balance....I have been told by the doctor to eat red meat and chicken, and I should not follow a strict vegatarian diet....He said, "eat a steak every now and then!".........My blood count will be followed, and if I continue with the anemia, they will do further tests to rule out a blood disorder.

I was a mystery to my Doctors, as in 4 weeks , I gained 40 lbs while in the hospital.....and the weight gain was all beneath my waist......I receiced physical therapy to learn to walk again, but even 10 steps was too much, as I became short of breath with any movement.....I was put on oxygen, for a low pulse ox..and breathing treatments.....and finally lasix, and that was the biggest releif for me......I came home last Thursday, and am no longer sob, can walk, and feel so much better because I have lost 28 lbs. of the 40 I gained , in a matter of days....it was all water gain...a tremendous amount........

...I will tell you more, if you want to hear it. Just let me know....it is all very scary, and I have been a nurse in hospitals for 28 years.....I have seen just about everything, and I sure did not like what I felt being on the side of the patient........Basically, I felt the Life Force going out of me, and I could not fight back at that point, when the infection was taking over......I really knew it was just about the end for me......

And all the time, Jimmy was with me.........in spirit and soul, and yes, the telephone..........I had enough sense about me to call forward my calls from home to the hospital roo, so Jimmy was calling me all the time....I was crying and emotional just about all the time......One day, I cried into the phone to "COME  HERE RIGHT AWAY, AND TAKE ME HOME.....PLEASE JIMMY, I WANT TO GO HOME....DON'T LET THEM KEEP ME HERE....PLEASEEEE, DRIVE THE CAR UP TO THE FRONT, AND I'LL WALK OUT THE DOOR, AND YOU CAN DRIVE ME HOME."....That day, I was gasping for breath, and not myself, in almost a confused state of mind.......I made Jimmy cry that day, and I'll never forget it....He softly cried back into the phone, "please Fran, I want to come there more than anything to take you home...please, you have to stay there..."......."I DON'T WANT TO STAY IN THIS PRISON," I was crying......