Tuesday, April 18, 2006

KEEPING YOU UP TO DATE

I HAVEN'T DESERTED MY JOURNAL!...ONLY SLOWING DOWN  A LITTLE, AS TIME PASSES BY......WE ARE INTO JIMMY'S 4TH YEAR OF BEING AWAY FROM HOME, AND IT SEEMS ALMOST UNREALISTIC, AND I  DON'T WANT TO BORE YOU WITH MY COMPLAINING......

WHAT IS IT EXACTLY LIKE AFTER 4 YEARS?  WELL, IT IS A LITTLE LIKE BEING NUMB ALL OVER...ALMOST A LITTLE LIKE NO LONGER CARING ABOUT THE WORLD, BECAUSE THE WORLD REALLY DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOU........HOWEVER, I CONTINUE TO GET PHONE CALLS FROM PEOPLE, AND THAT KEEPS ME BUSY......JIMMY AND I TALK ABOUT 5 TIMES A DAY...WE ARE ALWAYS LAUGHING OR JOKING.........HE KEEPS ME HANGING ON TO SANITY BY A FINE THREAD...........AS LONG AS I CAN SEE THE FUNNY PART ABOUT LIFE, THEN I'M OK.........AND SO IT IS WITH JIMMY!

THE GUYS AT LOGAN HALL ARE REALLY ACTING UP, AND GETTING SENT TO JAIL...IT MUST BE THE WARM SPRING WEATHER WE ARE HAVING...........BUT AS FOR MY HUSBAND, HE WALKS AROUND OR STAYS IN BED, WITH HIS LATIN GRAMMER BOOK...BRUSHING UP ON LATIN WHICH HE TOOK AT ST. PETER'S PREP, IN JERSEY CITY...MANY YEARS AGO. 

I HAVE SENT JIMMY 5 MORE BOOKS THROUGH BARNES AND NOBLE. COM.........ANOTHER MORE ADVANCED LATIN GRAMMER BOOK, A LATIN-ENGLISH DICTIONARY, A BOOK ON LATIN AND GREEK ESSAYS AND STORIES, SUCH AS "THE ODESSEY,"  PLATO, AND A CLASSIC NOVEL  BY JOHN  ROUSSEAU, IN WHICH HE TALKS ABOUT THE SOCIAL STRUCTURE OF MAN, AND THE GOVERNMENT.......ALSO, "THE DISSAPERENCE OF THE UNIVERSE," HAS NOT GOTTEN THERE YET................SO, I GUESS THAT WILL KEEP JIMMY BUSY READING FOR A WHILE.........

JIMMY NEEDS TO DO SOMETHING TO KEEP BUSY WHILE THERE AT LOGAN HALL.........SO, WHILE THE OTHER GUYS RUN AROUND BEING BAD, MY HUSBAND READS HIS CLASSICAL BOOKS!......YES, LEAVE THAT TO JIMMY!  LIFE TO US, IS VERY FUNNY AND COMICAL, IN MANY WAYS.....WHAT SAVES US THROUGH THIS PROCESS, IS THE HUMORUS SIDE OF LIFE........

ALL THE EDUCATIONAL CLASSES AT LOGAN HALL HAVE BEEN CANCELLED THIS WEEK, BECAUSE OF TRAINING SESSIONS FOR THE PEOPLE WORKING THERE.......I WAS SHOCKED TO LEARN, THAT THERE IS NO CLASSROOM THERE....WHEN, AND IF CLASSES ARE HELD, IT IS IN THE GYMNESIUM.......AND I HEAR ALL THE YOUNG WOMEN WORKING THERE WEAR TIGHT , SHORT DRESSES........I SAW THIS MYSELF LAST WEEK, WHEN I VISITED ON FAMILY NIGHT.  AND I DON'T THINK WOMEN SHOULD BE PERMITTED TO WEAR THOSE KIND OF  SKIRTS AND DRESSES IN AN INSTITUTION THAT IS ALL MALE CONVICTS.  I MEAN, YOU WOULD THINK THEY HAD SOME SORT OF DRESS CODE FOR THE WORKING WOMEN.......I FIND IT SURPRISING THAT THIS IS ALLOWED........AND WHEN THESE GIRLS WRITE ON THE BLACKBOARD, THE BOARD IS SET UP IN SUCH A WAY, THAT THEY HAVE TO LEAN OVER, AND THEIR SKIRT HIKES UP, AND ALL THE MEN HAVE A GOOD VIEW.....THEY ARE THE TALK OF THE INSTITUTION...

A FEW DAYS AGO A RESIDENT TRIED TO COMMIT SUICIDE....SOMETHING ABOUT BECAUSE HE WAS NOT ALLOWED TO RETURN TO HIS JOB.........

ANOTHER DAY, THERE WAS A FIRE DRILL.  ONE MAN WAS MISSING.......FINALLY, AFTER A LONG SEARCH, GUESS WHERE HE WAS FOUND!  SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, UNDER THE COVERS!....NO ONE EVER THOUGHT TO LOOK THERE!.......

AND, HAVING WORKED IN INSTITUTIONS MY WHOLE LIFE, AS AN R.N., I KNOW IT IS MANDATORY, ACCORDING TO THE FIRE CODE, TO CLOSE ALL BEDROOM DOORS DURING A DRILL...SOME PLACES HAVE THE DOORS MAGNETICALLY AND ELECTRONICALLY CLOSE..........BUT, IT SEEMS TO NOT APPLY TO LOGAN HALL, AS THE BEDROOM DOORS REMAIN OPEN DURING FIRE DRILLS.

JIMMY HAS BEEN EVALUATED MANY TIMES, PASSING ALL THE STEPS ALONG THE WAY, WITH FLYING COLORS......TO MAKE SURE HE IS APPROVED TO GO OUT ALONE ON PASSES.....HE WAS EVALUATED 2 OR 3 WEEKS AGO, BUT IT HAS YET TO BE PUT INTO THE COMPUTER..........HE SAYS BY NEXT WEEK HE WILL HAVE HIS APPROVAL TO GO OUT ON PASSES.....FOR EXAMPLE TO THE LOCAL STORE, TO DO SOME SHOPPING.

YES, BEING ON PAROLE, DOESN'T REALLY MEAN A THING FOR ME, EXCEPT THAT IT DRAGS THIS PROCESS OUT LONGER..........AND SO, FOR ALL YOU WOMEN WHO THINK THAT IT IS EASY...AND YOU ARE IN THE FIRST FEW MONTHS OF YOUR MAN'S INCARCERATION, LET ME TELL YOU, IT ISN'T.  JUST WAIT TILL THOSE DAYS AND MONTHS TURN INTO YEARS........AND YOU SEE THE TURN OF TIME........AND YOU SEE YOURSELF GROW OLDER....AND YOUR HOME TURNS GREY AND UGLY....THOSE THINGS THAT WERE NEW AND FRESH WHEN YOUR MAN LIVED THERE, HAVE GROWN DUSTY AND STALE........LIFE HAS PASSED BY, AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE......WHEN YOUR TEARS TURN TO ICE AND STONE.............WHEN YOUR FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS BECOME A CONFUSED BALL OF NUMBNESS....NOTHINGINESS.........WHEN ALL THE JOY OF LIFE GOES OUT OF YOU............THEN MY DEAR FRIENDS, COME BACK HERE TO THIS JOURNAL, AND TELL ME JUST HOW YOU ARE...........AFTER YEARS, YOU, TOO, WILL SEE, EXACTLY WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT...........

IT TAKES A VERY STRONG PERSON TO SURVIVE THIS PRISON ORDEAL, IN ONE PIECE.........

AND THAT IS JIMMY AND I......STRONG AND DETERMINED..............GOING WITH THE FLOW............LOOKING UPON EVERYTHING IN LIFE, EVEN THIS, AS JUST ONE MORE CHALLENGE, TO OVERCOME........YES, THAT IS WHAT WE ARE ABOUT...........FIGHTERS TO THE END..........

AND YOU MAY WONDER, JUST WHAT DOES A PRISONER'S WIFE STILL DO AT HOME, ALONE, AFTER 3 YEARS, AND 1 MONTH?...................WELL, I AM BORED, EVEN WITH MYSELF.......AND EVEN WITH THIS JOURNAL.

BUT I EXPECTED THAT.....TO BE BORED, THAT IS..........FROM THE FIRST TIME, WHEN I WROTE IN THIS JOURNAL, ON DEC. 31, 2003, I KNEW IT WOULD BE A LONG HAUL...........I KNEW THAT AFTER YEARS OF WRITING MY FEELINGS, HERE, I WOULD BECOME BORED, AND MOST LIKELY YOU WOULD BECOME BORED............WHY?  BECAUSE THERE IS JUST SO MUCH ONE CAN WRITE ABOUT THIS SUBJECT.......AND THEN, IT BECOMES REDUNDENT........BUT I KNEW, NEVERTHELESS, I WOULD STICK IT OUT UNTIL THE END........

AND SO, MY DAYS ARE FILLED WITH WATCHING AMERICAN IDOL, THE VIEW, MARTHA STEWART, LARRY KING, NANCY GRACE.........THINGS LIKE THAT.....

READING "MIRACLES DO HAPPEN," (for the upteenth time), SYLVIA BROWN'S BOOKS, AND WAITING FOR "THE DISAPPEARANCE OF RHE UNIVERSE," TO ARRIVE FROM BARNES AND NOBLE.

I FIXED UP THE PATIO, AS I DO EACH YEAR FOR THE SPRING, WITH 2 BEAUTIFUL FAIRY STATUES, AND A LITTLE BIRDHOUSE........A LARGE STATUE OF 2 CHILDREN IN A WAGON.......A NEW DOORMAT.........I HAVE SOME TULIPS, AND ANOTHER FLOWERING PLANT.......I BOUGHT 2 GRAPE TOMATO PLANTS, AS I DO EACH YEAR, BUT IT IS TOO SOON TO PUT THEM OUT.  SO, NOW, PRINCE AND I SIT OUTSIDE EACH DAY ON THE PATIO, AND ENJOY THE SUNLIGHT, AND BLUE SKY.............

I HAD A 17 LB. HAM FOR EASTER, WHICH PRINCE , THE 2 CATS AND I ATE FOR SEVERAL DAYS, UNTIL PRINCE TURNED HIS NOSE UP AT IT........TODAY I MADE MY OWN CONGLOMERATION OF PEA SOUP WITH LENTILS, BARLEY, AND FRESHVEGETABLES, USING THE HAM BONE.........PRINCE WAS IN HIS GLORY LICKING AND CHEWING ON THAT BONE ALL EVENING.......

IT'S FUNNY.  I DO EVERYTHING THAT I HAVE TO....BUT I DON'T FEEL IT.......I ALMOST DON'T FEEL ANYTHING ANYMORE......IT IS LIKE I'M DETACHED FROM EVERYTHING.......I'M HERE, BUT NOT REALLY HERE........I EXIST IN SOME GREY WORLD, BETWEEN LIFE AND DEATH.........NO MATTER HOW I TRY TO BE PART OF THE WORLD, I'M NOT.  JIMMY SAID THAT THIS FEELING WILL GO AWAY, ONCE HE STARTS COMING HOME......HE WILL ONCE AGAIN TAKE ME OUT OF THE HOUSE, AND I WILL NOT FEEL SO ISOLATED, AS I AM NOW........HE WILL ONCE AGAIN TAKE ME PLACES....RESTAURANTS, MOVIES, SHOPPING.  HE BELIEVES MY FEELINGS OF ISOLATION AND DISASSOCIATION AND AGORAPHOBIA WILL GO AWAY, WITH TIME.  HE SAYS WHEN HE IS AT MY SIDE, I WILL ONCE AGAIN FEEL SAFE ....THAT I WILL ONCE AGAIN START TO ENJOY THINGS IN LIFE...........RIGHT NOW, THAT SEEMS VERY DIFFICULT FOR MYSELF.......IT IS ALL VERY SCARY.

AND FOR THOSE PRISONER'S WIVES WHO DISAGREE WITH ME, THAT THE PRISON SYSTEM TRIES VERY HARD TO DESTROY MARRAGES, DESPITE WHAT THEY SAY, MAYBE IT IS BECAUSE YOU ARE AT THE BEGINNING OF YOUR LONG JOURNEY.............YOU WILL SEE WHAT I MEAN, AFTER YOU GO THROUGH THIS FOR YEARS........

NOW, ON A LIGHTER NOTE, BECAUSE I AM SO BORED WITH EVERYTHING AROUND ME, I HAVE TAKEN UP A NEW HOBBY............THE STOCK MARKET!............YES, I AM TEACHING MYSELF ON-LINE TRADING..........IT IS A LITTLE FUN SPOT IN MY LIFE.........KIND OF LIKE A GAME OF MONOPOLY, BUT IT IS FOR REAL.........SO, IT KEEPS ME INTERSTED IN SOMETHING FOR A WHILE, BECAUSE MOST OF MY INTEREST IN LIFE HAS FADED.........JIMMY EXPLAINS IT TO ME, SO THEN , OF COURSE IT BECOMES FUN!

I ALSO HAVE TO DO MY HOME STUDY COURSES FOR THE RENEWAL OF MY NURSING LICENSE......I HAVE A TOTAL OF 34 CEU'S TO DO......THE COURSES I HAVE CHOSEN ARE HUMAN SEXUALITY, AND BIO-TERRORISM IN THE WORKPLACE........A FRIEND OF MINE SUGGESTED I START WRITING FOR ONE OF THE NURSING JOURNALS....SOMETHING I WILL LOOK INTO.....

AND SO THAT IS LIFE..........MY LIFE AND JIMMY'S LIFE......I AM HAPPY TO SHARE OUR STORY WITH YOU..........LIFE CONSISTS IN THE ACTUAL PASSING OF TIME.......WE TRY TO MAKE THINGS OK, AND HAPPY UNDER ALL CIRCUMSTANCES......YOU...ME........THAT IS WHAT WE DO HERE, AS HUMAN BEINGS.......IF YOU ARE IN THIS MOMNET HAPPY, BE GRATEFUL FOR THAT...EVEN FOR 1 MOMENT....

                                                           FRAN

8 comments:

sugar1337 said...

When do you expect him to start making trips home again?

crystalmoon222 said...

NOT SURE EXACTLY WHEN HE WILL START COMING HOME, BUT IT SHOULD BE SOON....IN A FEW WEEKS.......HIS DATE FOR COMING HOME FOR GOOD, ON PAROLE IS, I BELIEVE SEPT. 21, 2006........FRAN

piperacharmed1 said...

I have to say...your stories confuse me. I guess I just don't understand how someone who is as intelligent as you say...could end up in the situation he is in. Have you ever thought about seeking therapy for the loneliness you feel? I am sure it is tough to go through. I assume you don't work because of your physical problems you have mentioned...so the days must seem long. I hope he comes home to visit real soon.

Tracie

crystalmoon222 said...

.......ANSWER TO THE COMMENT..........IF YOU ONLY READ THE NEWSPAPERS, YOU WILL SEE THAT HIGHLY INTELLIGENT MEN COMMIT CRIMES...MANY, LIKE MY HUSBAND WHO ARE OF GENIUS MENTALITY........THINGS LIKE FRAUD, ETC...IT IS NOT HARD TO UNDERSTAND, AT ALL, THAT IT IS NOT ONLY YOUNG BOYS COMMITTING CRIMES.....DON'T YOU WATCH TV, OR WATCH MOVIES?..........YES, I'M ONE OF THE LUCKY WOMEN IN AMERICA WHO WAS ABLE TO RETIRE AT THE AGE OF 48, AND LIVE VERY, VERY COMFORTABLY.........ACTUALLY BETTER THAN THE AMERICAN POPULATION WHO LIVES PAYCHECK TO PAYCHECK, IN DEBT, AND IN CREDIT CARD DEBT.........ANYONE CAN DO IT, IF YOU PLAY YOUR CARDS RIGHT, EDUCATE YOIURSELF, AND START WUTH A CAREER EARLY IN LIFE, AS I DID......O AM LEGALLY BLOND, AND HAVE SEVERE NEUROPATHY.....ALL I NEED IS MY HUSBAND HOME, NOT A PSYCHOLOGIST, AND I MYSELF AM CHANGING MY DOCTORAL DEGREE TO PSYCHOLOGY, ANYWAY, BECAUSE THE HUMMAN BEING IS AN INTERESTING SPECIMEN, AND THIS EXPERIENCE IN LIFE HAS GIVEN ME A BETTER VIEW OF LIFE....IF I WERENT DEPRESSED, AND WENT OUT EVERY NITE PARTYING, AND MESSINF AROUND WITH DIFFERENT MEN, THEN I WOULD BE ABNORMAL, AS I HAVE A HUSBAND WHOM I LOVE AND AM DEDICATED TO......FRAN

piperacharmed1 said...

I did not mean to sound rude...if I did, I apologize. Yes, I know there is crime in the world...I just do not personally know anyone who has been to prison. Which was the reason for reading your journal from the start. To see what it was like to go through that. Congrats to you for choosing a career wisely and young...you are correct....most people have not done that. And when I mentioned going out....I in no way meant to meet other men or to "party"....I meant more along the lines of going to lunch with friends...movies....the zoo...museums. Things to occupy your time and your mind....busy stuff I guess just to pass the time. My mom had neuropathy problems before she passed away....so I know how difficult it can get to move around sometimes. Best of luck to both of you.

Tracie

loverobin32 said...

Fran, are we getting a little bitter? I know all to well what being alone is like. I dont get to visit or even get to talk to my hubby on the phone unless by a miracle he is granted permission and that isnt often. He actually gets email accounts at times but then that is a joke cause you have to get permission to go and use a computer (not something they think is important). I admit I have seen my hubby probally more than you have yours (in 3 years I have been with him a total of 9 months, example:one month here, one week there, 3 days in between). I know you feel like the system is out to get your marriage, shoot I feel the government is out to get mine, but we both know that it isnt that way. Our men choose their paths and we in return choose ours. you are looking at September for him coming home for good, I on the other hand am looking at over a year and then maybe 3 more on top of that. I guess what gave me the impulse to comment isnt your entry but more your response to the person that left you a comment. Fran, your a sweet person but that side didnt show and I think you took what she said out of context a little. Hugggs Robin

ccomeculo said...

Fran, I have always been a fan of your entries, however, lately you have been turning me off. I, too, am serving time with my husband. Its been 3 years and 1 month since I last held him. It has been 2.5 years since I last saw him, but yet I feel that our relationship is still as strong. Doing time with our men is hard, but you must keep on living and interacting with the world. I know that for me, my job, family, friends, and specially my 7 yr old boy have been my strength throughtout this ordeal. I still have 9 more months to do until he maxs out. And as months go by, I'm more excited. I am concerned that u feel so down being that he is so close to coming home. I hope that as days go by, your spirit is filled with joy and excitement as your journal entries were when I first started reading them...

crystalmoon222 said...

YOU MISINTERPRETED MY THOUGHTS...I AM A VERY HAPPY, UPBEAT PERSON...HOWEVER, HAPPINESS IS NOT THE EXACT WORD...YOU CANNOT DENY THE PROGRESSION OF TIME.....CIRCLES OF LIFE, THAT GO INTO CYCLES, THAT SPIRAL OUTWARD...INTO INFINITY.........TOUCHED BY SITUATIONS IN LIFE.....I;M GLAD YOU HAVE YOUR JOB, FAMILY, ETC. , TO KEEP YOU GOING AND HAPPY.....THERE ARE THINGS IN MY LIFE I DON, T SAY HERE, AND YOU JUST WOULD NOT UNDERSTAND , ANYHOW.........THEY ARE VERU GOOD THINGS HAPPENING........YOU ONLY JUDGE ME ON A FEW WORDS THAT I WRITE HERE, BUT YOU HAVE NO CLUE AS TO WHO I AM....AND THAT IS FOR ONLY JIMMY AND MYSELF TO KNOW........FRAN