Thursday, January 13, 2005

MY THOUGHTS

I JUST LOVE THIS JOURNAL...I LOVE SHARING MY INNER THOUGHTS WITH YOU......"THE ME THAT NOBODY KNOWS."................AND I ESPECIALLY LOVE ALL OF YOU, MY READER'S, WHO EITHER STOP BY ON A WHIM TO SEE WHAT I HAVE TO SAY, AND ALL OF YOU WHO HAVE FOLLOWED THIS JOURNAL FROM THE START, OVER A YEAR AGO...............I KNOW THAT MY THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS ARE MINE, BUT I KNOW THEY BELONG TO YOU, TOO.  YOU SEE, WHAT I WRITE IS WHAT EVERYONE IDENTIFIES WITH...........YOU NEED NOT BE A PRISONER'S WIFE....YOU CAN BE ANYONE TO IDENTIFY WITH THIS JOURNAL..........WE ALL HAVE EMOTIONS AND THOUGHTS......WE ALL HAVE SOME SORT OF PROBLEM, WHETHER IT BE BIG OR SMALL...........THAT IS JUST HOW THE WORLD IS...............AND SO WE GIVE A LITTLE BIT OF OURSELVES TO OTHERS........AND THEN, LIFE DOESN'T SEEM ALL THAT BAD AFTER-ALL!

  EVERYTHING IN LIFE IS EITHER A BLESSING OR A CURSE.  IT IS SIMPLY HOW WE LOOK AT IT, AND HOW WE "CHOOSE" TO LOOK AT IT.  I LOST MY EYESIGHT EXACTLY ONE YEAR AFTER I MARRIED JIMMY.  AT THE AGE OF 48, I HAD TO STOP WORKING AS A NURSE.  I HAD TO GIVE UP A CAREER AND PROFESSION THAT I HAD WORKED IN FOR 28 YEARS........I WAS A YOUNG WOMAN, 20 YEARS OLD, WHEN I FIRST BECAME AN RN...I WENT RIGHT OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL (HERE IN NEW JERSEY), AND WENT TO COLLEGE AND BECAME AN RN WITH AN ASSOCIATE DEGREE.  THEN I PROGRESSED TO A BSN, AND LATER A MASTER'S .  WHAT I'M SAYING IS, I WAS VERY YOUNG.....I WAS A NURSE MY WHOLE LIFE....IT WAS LIKE SECOND NATURE TO ME....I LOVED DOING IT....I WAS PART OF THE HEALING PROCESS OF THE PERSON.  I GOT SO MANY THANK-YOU'S THROUGH THE YEARS...IT IS ALMOST INCREDIBLE TO THINK OF JUST HOW MANY PEOPLE I WAS PART OF FOR ALL THOSE YEARS OF NURSING....IT WAS REALLY AN HONOR TO BE PART OF THE HEALING PROCESS OF THOSE PEOPLE THROUGH THE YEARS.AND , THEN, I HAD TO SUDDENLY STOP WORKING.  FOR SOME IT WOULD BE A DREAM COME TRUE TO BE ABLE TO RETIRE AT THE AGE OF 48!........AS FOR ME, I ALWAYS THOUGHT I'D CONTINUE WORKING AS AN RN FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.............BUT FATE HAD SOMETHING ELSE IN STORE FOR ME!..........................IN THE WEEKS AFTER I WAS FIRST TERMED "LEGALLY BLIND,"  I LAY IN BED, IN LAS VEGAS, CRYING, IN A DARK ROOM.  I DIDN'T WANT THE BLINDS AND CURTAINS OPEN.  I DIDN'T WANT THE SUN TO SHINE INTO THE ROOM.  WHEN I DID GET UP, I'D SIT AROUND, WITH THE TV ON....NOT LOOKING AT IT.  I COULDN'T CARE LESS...I  COULDN'T SEE IT CLEARLY...WHAT WAS THE SENSE OF EVEN TRYING?   I WAS VERY DEPRESSED....AS MOST ARE WHEN THEIR VISION BEGINS TO FAIL....................WELL, ONE DAY, JIMMY CAME UPSTAIRS TO THE BEDROOM, WHERE I LAY IN BED.  HE CAME TO ME, AND SAID IN A STRICT SORT OF VOICE, "FRAN, I AM NOT GOING TO HAVE A WIFE WHO LAYS AROUND ALL DAY FEELING SORRY FOR HERSELF.  THERE ARE THINGS YOU CAN STILL DO.  THIS IS NOT THE END OF THE WORLD.  I AM YOUR HUSBAND, AND TOGETHER WE WILL EXPLORE AVENUES OF THINGS YOU CAN DO .  I REFUSE TO HAVE A WIFE WHO LAYS IN BED ALL DAY, AND WILL NOT TRY.  LOOK AT HELEN KELLER, ALL THE WONDERFUL THINGS SHE ACCOMPLISHED.  YOU ARE YOUNG, FRAN, AND STILL HAVE MUCH TO GIVE THE WORLD."  THEN HE PHYSICALLY LIFTED ME OUT OF THE BED AND SAT ME IN A CHAIR NEXT TO THE BED.  .........AND THEN WE STARTED TALKING ABOUT THINGS I COULD START DOING.............AND EVERYDAY, WE TALKED ABOUT THIS.......AND WE EXPLORED.........AND I STARTED LEARNING NEW WAYS TO USE MY BODY..........I LEARNED TO USE MY EARS, MORE THAN I AHD EVER DONE.  AND SO WHEN I SAT NEAR THE TV, I LEARNED TO RELY ON MY HEARING THE TV SHOW.  JIMMY BOUGHT ME A BIG TV SCREEN, AND A BIG COMPUTER SCREEN, SO IT WAS EASIER FOR ME.  I LEARNED TO REALIZE AND ACCEPT THAT I WAS NOT SEEING THE EXACT PARTICULARS OF EVERYTHING.....I COULDN'T SEE THE LITTLE DOTS, AND SMALL THINGS......................BUT MY QUESTION, 'ARE THOSE SMALL THINGS REALLY IMPORTANT TO SEE?"...........I STARTED SAYING ,"SO WHAT?".............AND SO I PROGRESSED, LEARNING AND TEACHING MYSELF TO USE MY BODY AS BEST I CAN................I KNOW MY READER'S REALIZE THAT EVEN THOUGH THIS IS  A BIG SCREEN, THE WORDS AND LETTERS ARE STILL VERY BLURRY....LETTERS KEEP RUNNING INTO EACH OTHER, AND I CAN BARELY SEE THE PUNCTUATION MARKS........BUT I KNOW YOU FORGIVE ME, FOR NOT BEING PERFECT!........WELCOME TO MY WORLD, AND EVERYBODY'S WORLD, LOL...."THE WORLD OF IMPERFECTION!".........I AM LUCKY, AS I CAN STILL READ A LITTLE WITH MY LEFT EYE, BUT I HAVE TO KEEP MY RIGHT EYE CLOSED DUE TO DISTORTION DUE TO MACULAR PROBLEMS IN THE RIGHT EYE, AND HOLD THE PAGE 1 INCH FROM MY LEFT EYE.  I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN AN AVID READER.  I READ ONE WORD AT A TIME, AND CAN NO LONGER SCAN, AS I ALWAYS DID.  IN THE DOCTOR'S REPORT, HE SAYS I AM UNABLE TO READ OR DRIVE, SO I THINK EVEN HE IS  A LITTLE PUZZLED JUST HOW I READ SO MUCH.  HE SAYS THE READING STRENGTHENS MY EYE. I AM WORKING DOUBLY HARDER TO SEE, AND GET TIRED EASILY AND FASTER THAN MOST PEOPLE.....ALSO, LITERATURE SAYS THAT IT TAKES A PERSON AROUND 1 YEAR TO ADJUST THEIIR LIFE TO THE LOSS OF EYESIGHT.  THE MAIN QUESTION, IS IF THEY WANT TO.

  I MUST INCLUDE, THAT SOON AFTER , I STARTED SINGING...AND TAPING MYSELF...I LOVE MUSIC, AND WITH MY EARS HAVE TRAINED MYSELF TO LISTEN TO THE BEAT, RYTHM, AND EACH INSTRUEMENT.  I LOVE TO LISTEN FOR THE DRUMS IN A SONG!......ONE DAY I WILL LEARN TO PLAY THE DRUMS, AND MAYBE THE KEYBOARD........WHEN JIMMY RETURNS, HE WILL TAKE ME TO KARAOKE CONTESTS!.......IN THOSE DAYS AND MONTHS WHEN I LOST MY EYESIGHT, JIMMY TOOK ME OUT EVERYDAY....FOR RIDES IN THE AFTERNOON....LUNCH...DINNER....SHOPPING....CASINOS...EVERYTHING AND EVERYWHERE.........HE DID NOT WANT A RECLUSIVE WIFE...HE WAS WITH ME EVERY STEP OF THE WAY, BECAUSE THERE WERE ENDLESS EYE DOCTOR VISITS....AND I AHHATED THOSE BRIGHT LIGHTS THE DOCTORS WPULD SHINE INTO MY EYES......THEY WOULD BE LOOKING AND LOOKING INTO MY EYES WITH LIGHTS....HUMORESSLY I WONDERED TO MYSELF JUST WHAT THEY WERE LOOKING FOR.........AND JIMMY WAS NEXT TO ME, BECAUSE I WOULD ALMOST BE CLIMBING OUT OF THE CHAIR....I AM ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE THAT CAN'T STAND ANYONE TOUCING MY EYES..........AND THEN THE LASER SURGERIES...THE LASER BEAMS CUTTING INTO MY EYES.......SO PETRIFIED,  I COULD FEEL LARGE BEADS OF SWEAT COMING OUT OF MY BACK.....AND JIMMY WOULD HAVE TO HOLD ME DOWN AS I WAS EXAMINED........I'M GLAD THE INITAL PHASE IS OVER!..............AND SO, THE WORLD IS A BEAUTIFUL PLACE, IF YOU SO CHOOSE IT TO BE!.........................I CHOOSE TO REGARD MY EYESIGHT AS A "BLESSING,"  INSTEAD OF A CURSE!

  EVEN JIMMY'S GOING TO PRISON IS A BLESSING, FOR US BOTH.  THIS TIME FOR ME ALONE HAS ALLOWED ME TO WRITE........TO PURGE MY THOUGHTS..........TO THINK OF THINGS TO WRITE, AND ACTUALLY DO IT.  I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE A WRITER, SINCE CHILDHOOD.........BUT IT WAS ONLY A DREAM......NEVER ENOUGH TIME......NEVER DISCIPLINED, ALWAYS BUSY WORKING...BUSY DOING THIS AND THAT!........AND NOW, HERE I AM , A RETIRED NURSE, ABLE TO WRITE.........WHAT CAN BE MORE PERFECT!

  SORRY THAT I'M GOING ON AND ON HERE!.....SO MANY THOUGHTS ARE FLOWING OUT OF ME TODAY!

THANKS FOR READING MY JOURNAL, AND PLEASE LEAVE YOUR COMMENTS...I JUST LOVE TO READ THEM!

LOVE, FRAN....................A PRISONER'S WIFE STORY SHOULD COME OUT IN THE FEBRUAR

5 comments:

sugar1337 said...

You really have a lovely life force.  :)

adlessor said...

Hey Fran, You are sounding very upbeat, good for you. I am looking forward to reading your story in the paper.    Dawn

crystalmoon222 said...

DEAR DAWN AND SUGAR....THANX FOR YOUR GREAT COMMENTS....YES, LIFE IS GOING ALONG VERY WELL!.......FRAN

p00kie2323 said...

wow i would have never thought you were blind you are an awesome person really you have had so many struggles yet still see the good that is so awesome so how do u get food and all while your husband is away if u do not mind me asking i am going ot school to be an rn maybe you could give me some advice i would love it i never thought i would be a nurse and then it hit me like it was my calling i always wanted to be a lawyer or social worker soemthing in th elegal field so i know nursing had to just eb a calling for my life i will be sure tolook for your page in february is that right i could barely see the yellow writing sorry well talk to you soon keep posting entries i love reading them --- p00kie and feel free to visit my journal at any time

crystalmoon222 said...

dear pooke,  thanks for the nice comment, and also got your e-mail....i enjoyed reading your journal last nite....yes, i was an RN for 28 years, and will help you anyway i can....it is wonderful to be an RN, and very fulfilling in life.....you said, the writing is yellow...on my computer it is purple, or should i say, 'i thought it was purple!...otherwise, I must really be going 'blind!".............got to go now, Jimmy will be calling me from Kintock in a few minutes.....as you know, Jimmy keeps track of me all day with the phone...he already called at 11 am.....and will call again....my life revolves around those phone calls!...........Yes, we are very much in love, and it is wonderful!...........lOVE, fRAN