Friday, May 7, 2004

next phase of imprisonment is approaching

WELL FINALLY THE DAY ARRIVED!  LES LEFT FOR THE HALF-WAY HOUSE EVALUATION CENTER.  HE HAD BEEN IN PRISON FOR 4 YEARS. HE WAS ALMOST SINGING AND DANCING AROUND THE PRISON, HE WAS SO HAPPY!......AND THAT MEANS THAT JIMMY WILL BE GOING SOON....MAYBE 2 OR 3 WEEKS......I FEEL ALMOST IN A FOG ABOUT THINGS.........HE HAS BEEN GONE 13.5 MONTHS......THAT IS A LONG TIME......A LONG TIME THAT I HAVE BEEN SITTING HERE WAITING FOR HIM....PREPARING THE HOUSE FOR HIM. ANTICIPATING HIS ARRIVAL.  AND NOW THAT DAY IS SLOWLY APPROACHING...I'M ALMOST AFRAID.  AFRAID OF WHAT, YOU MAY ASK!  THE ANSWER IS SIMPLY "AFRAID."  MAYBE OF LIFE. I JUST DON'T KNOW.  AFRAID OF MYSELF. AFRAID OF TIME. IN THOSE 13 MONTHS, TIME HAS PASSED BY.I LOVE AND NEED HIM MORE THAN ANYTHING, AND YET I'M AFRAID AT MY RESPONSE TO ALL THIS....HOW I RESPONDED TO HIS IMPRISONMENT.  HOW I BECAME A RECLUSE.  HOW I STOPPED TRUSTING PEOPLE...THE WORLD.  HOW I BECAME SELF-CENTERED. HOW MY WARM TEARS COMFORT ME.  HOW I'M AFRAID OF THE WORLD..OF PEOPLE. IT'S ALL SO SILLY. THAT IS NOT ME. NOT THE ME I KNOW, ANYHOW.  CERTAINLY I AM NOT THE PERSON HE MARRIED. I KNOW I SOUND A LITTLE CRAZY, BUT THAT IS JUST WHAT I HAVE BECOME. JIMMY IS CERTAIN WHEN HE RETURNS HOME, I WILL BE OK, ONCE AGAIN. WIVES WHO HAVE HUSBANDS IN THE MILITARY HAVE SUPPORT GROUPS, BUT PRISON WIVES HAVE NOTHING. IT IS A SHAME OUR GOVT. IS LIKE THAT. THEY TAKE YOUR HUSBAND, LOCK HIM UP, AND THERE IS NOTHING, ABSOLUTLY NOTHING THAT THEY DO FOR THE WIFE...THE CHILDREN...THE MOTHERS. THEY ARE GIVEN NO SUPPORT. NOT MORALLY, SOCIALLY, PSYCHOLOGICALLY, NOT FINANCIALLY. ONCE LOCKED UP, THE PRISON HAS NO COMMUNICATION WITH THE FAMILY. I THINK IT IS DISGUISTING. LETTERS SHOULD BE SENT TO THE FAMILIES AT LEAST INFORMING THE FAMILY OF THE STATUS OF THE INMATE. FOLLOW-UP OF WIVES SHOULD BE MADE..."ARE THEY OK? MENTALLY, PHYSICALLY, FINANCIALLY"........2.5 MILLION MEN ARE IN PRISONS IN THE USA. IMAGINE HOW MANY WIVES AND LOVED ONES HAVE BEEN LEFT BEHIND..POSSIBLY BEING DRIVEN INSANE BY THE "SYSTEM." NO ONE CARES, AND IT IS A SHAME. I WISH I COULD MAKE A DIFFERENCE. TO HELP CHANGE THE SYSTEM. IT IS A BIG CHUNK TO BITE OFF.  BUT EVERYTHING STARTS WITH ONE PERSON. POSSIBLY IF PRISON WIVES AND LOVED ONES WOULD UNITE...TO HELP EACH OTHER THROUGH SUPPORT GROUPS , AT LEAST...........WHEN JIMMY COMES HOME, I FEEL HE WILL HAVE TO BE "DEPROGRAMMED." AFTER ALL, HE HAS LIVED IN ANINSTITUTION FOR OVER A YEAR, THE SAME WAY I HAVE BEEN SITTING LOOKING AT THE 4 WALLS, AND TALKING TO HIS PIX, ALL YEAR....WELL, MY FAVORITE WORDS ARE "LIFE GOES ON.".............AND SO IT SHALL.

1 comment:

cindy said...

I have not once thought to look for a support group for prsion wives like myself, simply because I know society doesn't care, the state system in which I live in doesn't care.
I'm glad to see there are blogs that descibe the the emotions I've been experiencing for the past 14 months since my husband has been in jail.
This experience has been, by far the most horrific in my life. I feel I am going through the different stages of grief as if I am a widow with a twist...my husband possibly comes back after 4years- when he is up for parole.
At least when you say, my husband has cancer, or is deployed there is sympathy and compassion for the wife.
However, if you say you are the wife of a prisoner, there is discust and the holier than thou attitude you get from people...unless of course you lie and say that your husband travels a lot on business or he's a government spy (lol!) or is in the military and by the way, you won't see him around me for 4 years.
What a sad, sad situation.