Tuesday, October 25, 2005

HELLO EVERYONE

HELLO EVERYONE!...

WELL JIMMY CAME HOME, THEN JIMMY LEFT...AS QUICK AS HE WAS HERE, HE WAS GONE....

HE CAME HOME MONDAY AT 1PM, AND LEFT TUESDAY MPORNING, TODAY, AT 8 AM....THEN, HE WENT TO THE STORE TO WORK, AND SHOULD BE DONE WORKING SOON, AND ON HIS WAY BACK TO KINTOCK....

WE ATE PIZZA, MUSSELS, AND EGG PLANT PARMIGANE...FROM AN ITALIAN RESTAURANT....IT WAS GREAT!...IT WAS THE FIRST PIZZA AND ITALIAN FOOD I HAD EATEN IN THE PAST 31 MONTHS....WELL, I WAS GOING FOR A RECORD!...

THEN IN THE EVENING, WE LAID ON THE BED, WITH PRINCE AND THE 2 CATS, AND WATCHED "SHREK 2," ONE OF MY FAVORITE MOVIES, ON HBO..........JIMMY JUST LOVED IT, AND WAS IMPRESSED WITH THE ANIMATION.......AS WE LAY ACROSS THE BED, PRINCE WAS HUGGING MISTY WITH HIS PAWS, AND THEN, MISTY WAS LICKING PRINCE.....WE HAVE A VERY LOVING HOUSEHOLD!

AROUND MIDNIGHT, JIMMY MADE FRIED EGGS, AND CROISSANTS WITH MELTED CHEESE....DELICIOUS!....HE EVEN SERVED ME IN BED.....ALLWAS WONDERFUL...HOWEVER, AROUNF THAT TIME HE SAID HE WOULD HAVE TO LEAVE AT 8AM IN THE MORNING....I THOUGHT HE WOULD BE STAYING HERE UNTIL 5PM...BUT I GUESS NOT........

SO, HE TOOK THE TAXI AT 8AM...AND PRINCE AND I WATCHED OUT THE WINDOW.....THEN WE LAID BACK DOWN, AND AS USUAL, I JUST SLEPT....

WHEN THERE IS NO WHERE TO GO IN YOUR HEART AND SOUL, WELL, THE BEST PLACE TO GO, IS TO SLEEP...........AND SO, JIMMY CALLED ME SEVERAL TIMES THROUGH-OUT THE DAY, AND I WAS ALWAYS SLEEPING...HE WENT TO WORK...AND ONE TIME HE CALLED ME AND SAID, "I FEEL LIKE AN EMPTY EGG, WITH THE YOLK DRAINED OUT."   (that is, he felt like an empty shell).

AND SO, WE PROCEED INTO THE  COLD, AND SNOW, AND ICY RAIN, AND COLD WINDS, AND DARK DAYS, AND SHORT DAYS, AND DARKNESS AND GLOOM.....THE LONLINESS OF THIS HOUSE IS BECOMING OVERWHELMIN TO ME...JIMMY'S PRESENCE FOR 20 HOURS FILLS IT UP, BUT THEN AGAIN, IT IS LONLIER AND COLDER THAN EVER.............OH WHEN WILL THIS TORTURE END, I ASK MYSELF...............

I AM IN A STRANGE PLACE, HARD TO UNDERSTAND UNLESS YOU'VE BEEN HERE............

I DON'T KNOW WHY I HAVEBECOME THIS WAY LATELY..........IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE TAKEN PART OF ME, THAT LIVES DEEP DOWN INSIDE OF ME, AND LOCKED HER AWAY.............I LOCKED HER DEEP DOWN INSIDE OF ME.........MAYBE SHE WILL IMMERGE ONE DAY, STRONGER AND BETTER, BUT AS FOR NOE, I JUST CAN'T HELP IT..........JIMMY TRIES TO TALK TO ME, AND UNDERSTAND ME...........IT IS MAYBE THE FIRST TIME, I JUST CAN'T LET HIM UNDERSTAND ME.....AND HE SEARCHES FOR THE RIGHT WORDS...HE USUALLY HAS THEM....BUT I'VE BECOME LOST IN MYSELF...IN NOTHINGNESS...I'M NOT SURE IF HE CAN HELP ME THIS TIME AROUND............"THE ME THAT NOBODY KNOWS."...IT IS A TERRIBLE WAY TO FEEL...IT IS A BLAND, NOTHINGNESS FEELING...UNREACHABLE BY OTHERS............NOT UNDERSTOOD BY ANYONE...............A PLACE I LIKE TO GO, INSIDE OF ME, AND I LOCK MYSELF AWAY...FROM EVERYONE....NO EMOTIONS, NO FEELINGS.....JUST TO BE LEFT ALONE...........BECAUSE MY HEART BEATS, AND MY BRAIN FUNCTIONS.........AND SO I AM STILL ALIVE...........BUT, I WANT TO BE WHERE NO ONE CAN REACH ME...AND I FEEL SAD TO DO THIS TO A HUSBAND WHO IS SO WONDERFUL...WHO WORKS SO HARD...WHO WORKS TO ERRADICATE THE CRIME HE COMMITTED...IT MAKES ME FEEL SO SAD...THAT I LOCK MYSELF WITHIN MYSELF.........................I LIKE IT THAT WAY...NO ONE CAN REACH ME....KNOW ONE CAN KNOW ME..............AND THAT IS THE ONE THING I HAVE UP ON EVERYONE...THEY JUST DON'T KNOW ME, AND NEVER WILL............JIMMY IS THE ONLY ONE WHO I HAVE ALLOWED TO KNOW ME...AND IT IS AT TIMES LIKE THIS, THAT EVEN HE HAS A HARD TIME.......

AND SO, LET US NOW READ THE BEAUTIFUL COMMENTS FROM THE LAST ENTRY.......THANK YOU SO MUCH, FOR CARING AND TAKING THE TIME TO WRITE SUCH WELL-THOUGHT COMMENTS.....

SUGAR SAYS, AMONST OTHER THINGS, " THE JUSTICE SYSTEM NEEDS TO BE CORRECTED...."

BETTY  (lv2rnscrb)...."THERE SHOULD BE A PROGRAM OR MINISTRY AVAILABLE FOR THE FAMILY MEMBERS OF THE INCARCERATED, TO GO TO SCHOOLS TO TALK TO KIDS AND TEENS, TO TELL THEM HOW TERRIBLE IT IS TO HAVE SOMEONE IN PRISON.  IT MAY HELP THEM AVOID LEADING A LIFE OF CRIME...."................YES BETTY, THABK YOU SO MUCH...THAT WOULD BE A WONDERFUL IDEA, AND WOULD HELP OTHERS.

THE GREATEST COMMENT WAS BY DEBBIE (DERASTA)....(ONE OF THE THINGS I LOVE ABOUT YOUR JOURNAL IS THAT I GET TO REALLY UNDERSTAND WHAT THE LOVED ONES WHO ARE LEFT BEHIND GO THROUGH....."................THANK YOU, DEBBIE, YOU SAID IT ALL.......

ONCE A SANE AND HAPPY PERSON, I'M NOW TRYING FOR THIS WHOLE PROCESS NOT TO EAT THROUGH ME, LIKE A POISON........IT IS NOW 31 MONTHS THAT JIMMY HAS BEEN WITHIN THE PRISON SYSTEM....WHEN I MARRIED HIM, HE THOUGHT IT WOULD ONLY BE 5 MONTHS, THEN HOUSE ARREST............WELL, HERE WE GO, ANOTHER WINTER AND HOLIDAY SEASON APPROACHING........I WISH THERE WAS A BUTTON TO SHUT THE HUMAN BODY OFF....I WOULD DO THAT, AND WAKE UP WHEN IT IS ALL OVER........

GOOD-NIGHT TO ALL....................FRAN

4 comments:

derasta said...

It pains me to see you suffer so....I can't say I know what you are feeling because I don't...I can only try to imagine what it might be like...and just trying to imagine this, is like a nightmare...so my heart really goes out to you.  Fran you will go thru good days and bad days...and right now, you are having a rough time of it...but soon, it will be bright again...Jimmy will come home for another visit and you will be cooking and watching movies again and laughing and having fun...just hang on to those thoughts...and in between try to fill your days with happy things...like go online and talk to friends...I belong to graphics groups online and sometimes these things can take up my whole day...I look at the clock and I say where did the day go? So I think you need to find things to fill up your days and when you do have your quiet moments, use them to think of happy and positive things...and when you are feeling a little sad, know that too will pass....

sugar1337 said...

Sorry he didn't get to stay as long as you thought he would, but I am glad that yall had a good time together.

tlanell76 said...

Peace & Blessings Crystalmoon,

Well, at least your husband gets furlough visits and is able to work outside of the facility.  I'll be married to my first love next week and I'm looking forward to it.  I'm excited and overall I'm happy.  Alot of people don't understand, won't understand and to be completely honest it's not for them to understand. If you are truly happy - that's all that matters bar none.  That's the way I look at it.  I too at times feel like shutting myself out from everybody and everything - the entire world but in actuality I still have to deal with the ways of life work etc.  My love is locked away until a date yet to be determined for a crime he didn't commit.  You know the saying 'out of sight, out of mind' - well that applies for some, mainly those so called friends who used to be around when it's time to hit a party or hit the streets but where are they now?  I feel your pain I may hurt more for you than I do myself and my soon to be husband.  I only get to see him on Sat/Sun and some holidays and the Friday visits are only 5 hours long whereas the weekends and holidays are 8 hours.  By the time you fill out your visiting form and get processed so that they can call him an hour of time has already been lost...not to mention the 3 hour drive to and from but I'm not complaining and I'd travel to the end of the world and back for this man.  14 years!  Can't nobody tell me nothing!  Remain strong, steer clear of negativity and keep your head up because forreal "It'll be ok" :-)

Godspeed!
TLaNell

azil2cute4u said...

 i could understand to a certain point. love? love is a emotion that sometimes it's out of your control, love means that you will do anything for this person.....and as i read you say that you will do anything and everything for him......and that, it has been 31 months so far that he has been away........now i don't know  your situation so i'm not going to preach about, how jail dudes always wants to be loved and love right back until they get home, and then shit on you like you didn't mean anything to them to begin with.....but like i said i'm not going there.......but what i want to say, you claim that he thought that he was going to stay behind bars for 5 months etc.......but that's not how things went down.....now he is in there for 31 months so far.......now this is where the love comes into play.......you see us women are trained to stick by our men in our life.....thats nothing new for someone to here......but men aren't.......there are many men that cheat more then women will on there partner, and that's a fact.......but where i'm trying to go with this is......everything is out of your mans hands he can't control anything that comes with the outside world.....but if both of you wanted to prove your love for one another.......why don't he be a man and tell you.....baby, i love you so much to the point where i'm welling to let you live your life,(by the way it is your life) and be happy because life is to short....i made this mistake not you......and then say......you will have your turn to prove your love for me when i get home.....and then when he gets home you will see if you are both for each other.......i think that any women that stays by a man that is locked up for a long period of time is not happy with them self......and i truly believe that......but anyway thank you so much for letting me share this with you.