Thursday, August 4, 2005

'A WOMAN OF MANY SEASONS"

YESTERDAY JIMMY SAID TO ME, "FRAN,  YOU ARE LIKE A WOMAN OF MANY SEASONS.".......I REALLY LIKED THAT PHRASE.....IT EXPLAINS ME VERY WELL...THE PERSON THAT LIVES INSIDE OF ME....I AM LIKE A WOMAN WITH MANY FACETS.....HE OFTEN SAYS I HAVE MANY FACETS...LIKE A DIAMOND..........YES, THAT IS WHO FRAN IS.....MANY SIDES TO ME.......EMOTIONAL, AND YET RATIONAL, SWEET, BUT BOLD.....STRONG, AND YET WEAK AT TIMES.........I LOVE TO DO CREATIVE THINGS AT THIS TIME IN MY LIFE...WRITE STORIES, POEMS, HIAKUS...GET THINGS PUBLISHED......SING AND PAINT.  ON ANY GIVEN DAY, YOU MAY FIND ME SITTING OUTSIDE, TALKING TO THE TREES, AS THEY BECAME MY FRIENDS DURING JIMMY'S INCARCERATION.........OR WALKING AROUND THE CIRCLE WE LIVE ON....OR SITTING ON TH PARK BENCHES...GAZING AT THE BLUE SKY ABOVE, AND TALKING TO GOD.........ASKING HIM "WHY."..........I LOVE NATURE.......THE BIRDS, THE GRASS, THE FLOWERS.........WE LIVE SO CLOSE TO THE OCEAN, BUT I CAN'T EVEN GET THERE, SINCE I'M NOT ALLOWED TO DRIVE.............BEFORE JIMMY LEFT FOR PRISON, HE WOULD TAKE ME TO SEASIDE, AND WE WOULD SIT ON THE BOARDWALK, AND BREATH IN THE FRESH OCEAN AIR.........WE WOULD WATCH THE PEOPLE GO BY, AND THEN STOP FOR CLAMS ON THE HALF-SHELL....MY FAVOPRITE, WHILE HE ATE PIZZA........JIMMY ALWAYS LOVED TO WATCH ME EAT THOSE CLAMS...HE EVEN WOULD TAKE MY PIX AS I WAS EATING THEM...I COULD DOWN 1 OR 2 DOZEN, EASILY...ONCE I TRIED 3 DOZEN, BUT DECIDED IT WAS A BAD IDEA, BECAUSE I GOT A TUMMY ACHE AFTERWARDS!................JUST WHO IS 'FRAN,'  YOU MAY ALL WONDER.  WHO IS THIS MYSTERIOUS WOMAN, WRITING THIS JOURNAL.........A WOMAN WHO FEEL IN LOVE WITH A CRIMINAL, AND MARRIED HIM AT THE AGE OF 47.........."FRAN, "  YOU SEE, IS A COMPLEX BEING....SHE IS VERY HARD TO UNDERSTAND, UNLESS YOU REALLY KNOW HER...........I WAS A RESGISTERED NURSE FOR 28 YEARS,  AND THEN BECAME "LEGALLY BLIND,' AND HAD TO STOP WORKING AS A NURSE........FRAN TOOK CARE OF THE SICK AND DYING HER WHOLE LIFE......SHE WAS ONE OF THE FIRST NURSES TO TAKE CARE OF "AIDES"   PATIENTS, IN ONE OF THE LARGEST HOSPITALS IN NEW YORK CITY, BACK IN THE 70'S, WHEN AIDES WAS FIRST DISCOVERED...........ACTUALLY, I WAS TAKING CARE OF THEM EVEN BEFORE THE TERM 'AIDES' WAS COINED...WE WERE THE PIONEER NURSES, AND IT WAS THOUGHT THAT WE WOULD MAYBE DEVELOPE THE DISEASE LATER IN LIFE....NO ONE KNEW ANYTHING AT THE TIME..........AND SO, IN RESPONSE TO ONE OF THE READERS COMMENTS THAT SAID, "WHAT HAVE YOU AND JIMMY DONE FOR YOUR COUNTRY?,'  I WOULD LIKE TO SAY, VERY HUMBLY, I HAVE DONE A LOT, AS AN RN, BY TAKING CARE OF MY FELLOW MAN.....THERE IS NO AMOUNT OF PAY TO TAKE CARE OF JUNKIES, WHO ARE DYING FROM AIDES, HOMELESS, FROM THE BOWELS OF THE EARTH AND SUBWAYS...WHO ACTUALLY LIVE IN THOSE DARK TUNNELS IN THE SUBWAY SYSTYEM....THE NURSES I WORKED WITH  HAD URINE, FECES, SPIT, AND VOMIT ACTUALLY THROWN AT THEM...MANY NURSES WERE PUT ON MEDICATION AFTER THIS HAPPENED.....AND WE TOOK CARE OF EACH PERSON AS AN INDIVIDUAL, AND DID NOT CARE HOW SICK THEY WERE...NEVER JUDGEMENTAL.....AND WHEN THEY DIED, THEIR BODIES WERE SENT OFF TO POTTERS FIELD....NO ONE TO CARE  OR LOVE THEM...NOT IN LIFE, AND NOT IN DEATH....WE CLEANED THEM UP AFTER INCONTINENCE, WE BATHED THEM....SO THAT IS MY STORY.  AND MAY I ASK, WHAT EXACTLY IS YOURS?.....YES, WE ALL HAVE A STORY TO TELL...AND IT MAY BE HIDDEN DEEP WITHIN US................FRAN TRIED TO JOIN THE ARMY RESERVES IN THE 80's,  BUT WAS REFUSED , DUE TO MEDICAL REASONS.....I WANTED TO JOIN THE RESERVES SO BADLY, I WOULD CALL THE ARMY RECRUITER EACH WEEK, AND BEG HIM TO JOIN.........AND AS FOR JIMMY , HE WAS IN THE ARMY IN THE 70'S......

SO INSTEAD, I CONTINUED TO EDUCATE MYSELF, AND DID A MASTER'S DEGREE AT COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY IN ADMINISTRATION......................AND THEN I TRAVELED THE WORLD OVER....I WENT PLACES AND DID THINGS MOST PEOPLE CAN ONLY DREAM OF!...........BUT I'M HAPPIEST NOW, BEING MARRIED TO JIMMY, AND DOING WHAT I DO EACH DAY.........AFTER ALL, I RETIRED AT THE AGE OF 48....NOT TOO BAD, I MUST SAY!

SORRY TO BE GOING ON AND ON TONITE....SOMETIMES WE JUST HAVE TO GET THE WORDS AND THOUGHTS OUT................I ENJOY FOR YOU TO WALK THROUGH THE "CORNERS OF MY MIND."..........I WAS SO HAPPY 4 DAYS AGO, WHEN JIMMY CAME HOME.........BUT THE HAPPINESS DOESN'T LAST.....IT COMES AND GOES...JIMMY IS IN AND OUT OF OUR HOME.....AND NOW I SIT HERE ALONE, THINKING OF THINGS..........TODAY WAS A HECTIC DAY FOR ME...I TOOK CARE OF HOUSEHOLD PROBLEMS...THINGS A MAN SHOULD BE HOME TAKING CARE OF,,,,,,,,,,THE CABLE COMPANY CAME...THEY FOUND THE WIRES WERE SLICED OUTSIDE OUR HOME, PROBABLY DUE TO CONSTRUCTION WORK OUTSIDE.......SO CABLE TRUCKS AND MEN WERE GOING BACK AND FORTH ALL DAY....I MUST HAVE SPOKEN TO 20 PEOPLE ON THE PHONE TO GET THE ISSUE SOLVED..........SOMETIMES I JUST HATE IT ALL..I HATE PROBLEMS.....AND IT WAS ONE OF THOSE DAYS. 

AND TONITE I SIT HERE IN FEAR, WONDERING JUST "IF" AND "WHEN" JIMMY WILL COME HOME.....THOSE OF YOU WITH SOMEONE IN PRISON KNOWS WHAT IT IS LIKE, AND YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT......THE FUTURE IS UNCERTAIN....YOU NEVER KNOW....YOU ARE PART OF THE "SYSTEM.".......FOR THE MAJORITY OF PEOPLE IN OUR SOCIETY, YOU MAKE PLANS FOR THINGS LIKE BIRTHDAY PARTIES, TRIPS, AND VACATIONS, HOLIDAYS....EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING.............FOR THE PRISON WIFE, SHE CAN MAKE NO PLANS, AS THE FUTURE IS UNCERTAIN.....IT IS LIKE WALKING ON EGGSHELLS.....AND SO, TONITE, I SIT HERE ALONE, A LITTLE APPREHENSIVE.  I KNOW I MUST NOT LET IT GET TO ME...I MUST TAKE IT ONE DAY AT A TIME......I MUST TAKE ONLY SMALL STEPS OF HAPPINESS...I MUST NOT TAKE A LONG LEAP, AND EXPECT ANYTHING, TO BE HONEST WITH YOU...."HAPPINESS,' IS AN ILLUSION FOR ME....THE ELUSIVE BUTTERFLY...........I MUST BE HAPPY FOR NOW AND TODAY................PLEASE, FRAN,  DON'T REACH TOO FAR TO CATCH THAT BUTTERFLY.................

I MUST BE CONTENT TO HAVE THIS UNUSUAL MARRIAGE AND WAY OF LIFE....JIMMY AND I HAVE PERFECTED IT ALMOST TO A "T."...THAT IS TO BE MENTALLY CONNECTED AT ALL TIMES, EVEN THROUGH HE IS A MAN IN PRISON..........IT IS A BIZAAR WAY OF LIFE....TO HAVE AN "ABSENTEE HUSBAND."........TO BE MARRIED, AND NOT HAVE A HUSBAND....I FIND IT SO STRANGE...IT REALLY DOESN'T MAKE SENSE...........ANND SO, I BETTER LEAVE IT AT THAT AND GO TO BED....IT IS BETTER TO PUT ONE'S THOUGHTS ASIDE, SOMETIMES.  TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY, AND AFTER A GOOD NITE'S SLEEP. I'LL START AFRESH, ONCE AGAIN....

HAVE A GOOD NITE, AND SORRY FOR RAMBLING ON........................FRAN

5 comments:

carly0042 said...

Wow, my hat off to you and your husband. You sure can write and you have lead an interesting life to say the least. You really should think about writing a book. If only for other women in my position. I'm not, but I sure would read it. This is my second time here by the way, Nice to meet you.

loverobin32 said...

I always enjoy reading your entries and although I am a military wife not one time did I personally think the comments you added about being in a similar perdiction was anything but correct. We do have alot of the same lonely feelings. We sit and wait and wonder when will our loved ones will come home. I am not comparing what Jimmy does to what my husband does but that doesn't mean that you dont feel the sting that us military wives feel when it comes to waiting, wondering, hoping and praying. Jimmy put himself in this postion but guess what my husband put himself in his as well by joining the military. Jimmy is paying his dues to society for what he has done and as a student of the Criminal Justice field I have even thought of you and him often when doing my research for my assignments. Your a strong woman and Jimmy did great when he picked you!! ((HUGS)) Robin

jckfrstross said...

Hi nice to meet you. When is jimmy getiing out? if you don't mind me asking.


Deb

barbpinion said...

Fran, hon, you're one terrific lady. Jimmy is blessed to have you in his life. Will be so happy when the two of you are finally together.
Hugs and always my prayers.
Barb- http://journals.aol.com/barbpinion/HEYLETSTALK

kkasey47 said...

I like the coment of A woman of many seasons........enjoy reading you journal.............Kasey