Sunday, December 26, 2004

CHRISTMAS AT KINTOCK

I SAW JIMMY YESTERDAY AT KINTOCK.....THE RULES CHANGED ONCE AGAIN, AND I WAS ABLE TO BRING HOME-COOKED FOOD.......SO I BROUGHT LASAGNA, AND CHICKEN, AND LOADS OF OTHER STUFF.....I HAD 5 CHRISTMAS BAGS FILLED WITH GIFTS, AND HE HAD A PRESENT FOR ME.....EVERYTHING WAS GREAT AND HAPPY AND FESTIVE....WE STAYED 4 HOURS.....IT WAS A BEAUTIFU; BRIGHT SUNNY DAY, THROUGH THE FARMLANDS OF NEW JERSEY.............AND THEN I GOT HOME, TO A LONELY HOUSE, WITH MY 3 PETS WAITING............AND THEN ONCE AGAIN, I GOT SICK.....TO MY STOMACH............IT MUST BE PSYCHOLOGICAL.  I JUST DON'T KNOW....I HAD BARELY EATEN ALL DAY.......AND WHEN I GOT HOME, IT ALL STRUCK ME LIKE A BOLT OF LIGHTENING.....I FELT SO DEPRESSED , AND I STARTED CRYING...AND THEN LATER I STARTED VOMITING.....JIMMY CALLED ME AS SOON AS I GOT HOME....HE COMFORTED ME, WHEN I SHOUD BE THE ONE COMFORTING ME....I THINK HE REALIZES ALL THIS HAS A DEEP PROFOUND AFFECT ON ME...I JUST CAN'T HELP IT.....THERE ARE NO WORDS THAT CAN HELP ME...ONLY TIME WILL HELP ME, WHEN I CAN FORGET THIS EPISODE OF MY LIFE.......IT'S JUST HAT THOSE "PRISON PLACES' MAKE ME LITERALLY FEEL SICK....AND I NEVER REALIZE IT UNTIL I GET HOME.....WHEN I WAS A TEEN-AGER , IN NURSES TRAINING, I HAD TO VISIT ALL THOSE TERRIBLE INSTITUTIINS, AND I FOUND IT TERRIBLY DEPRESSING....IT AFFECTS ME IN THE PIT OF MY STOMACH....I HAD TO GOT TO RAHWAY PRISON, FOR MY TRAINING, AND ATE LUNCH IN THE CAFETERIA...A HAMBURGER.....WELL, I REMEMBER I JUST COULDN';T EAT IT, AND I WAS SICK TO MY STOMACH, FOR WEEKS LATER.  SOMEONE TOLD ME THAT THE INMATES COOKED THE FOOD, AND I JUST COULD NOT EAT  ANYMORE........WELL, JIMMY TOLD ME THAT WHERE HE IS, IN KINTOCK, INMATES ONLY COOK FOR INMATES....NOT FOR OFFICERS OR ANYOINE ELSE...................AND IN MY NURSES TRAINING I HAD TO GO TO PLACES LIKE GREYSTONE PSYCH INSTITUTION, AND MARLBORO PSYCH........ALSO CARRIER CLINIC..........ALL THESE PLACES WERE LOCATED IN THESE STRANGE REMOTE, COUNTRY AREAS OF NEW JERSEY.......AND I STILL REMEMBER IT WELL.........I KEEP ASKING JIMMY THAT WHEN HE COMES HOME, PLEASE DO NOT TALK ABOUT THIS EPISODE OF OUR LIFE AGAIN...HE SAYS OK, HE WON;T.........I'M JUST SAYING THAT TO BE DIFFICULT, I GUESS.....................JIMMY KEEPS SAYING I WOULDN';T BE NORMAL IF I WASN;'T SOMEWHAT UPSET ABOUT THIS EPIOSODE OF LIFE.....SO I GUESS IT'S OK TO HAVE MY CRAZY THOUGHTS , AT TIMES.....THEY ARE NOT REALLY CRAZY, BUT SORT OF MIXED UP....THEY COME AND GO...........ANYHOW, I WAS GLAD O GET HOME, TO THE PLACE I FEEL SAFE AND SECURE IN........IN HERE, NO ONE CAN HURT ME OR HARM ME....I AM WARM AND SAFE, WITH 3 LOVING PETS.........WITH A PHONE IN WHICH MY HUSBAND TALKS TO ME.........WHAT A STARNGE WORLD MY LIFE HAS BECOME........I JUST DON'T LIKE GOING OUT IN THE WORLD ANYMORE...IT MAKES ME FEEL APPREHENSIVE...LIKE I WANT TO RUN BACK HOME..........

AND SO, ANOTHER CHAPTER IN THE LIFE OF A PRISON WIFE........ANOTHER DAY OVER....ANOTHER CHRISTAMAS OVER.........AND NOW, ONWARD , TO THE FUTURE........I'M GLAD TOMORROW WILL BE TOMORROW, AND TODAY WILL BE OVER..................................FRAN, THE WIFE OF A PRISONER

3 comments:

dakotarose2852 said...

Aww Fran.  I wish you could have had a better day.  I hope the months ahead will be better for you.  I wish you could climb out of that pit.  
Susan

sugar1337 said...

I am glad you were able to spend the time with him you could....I hope it is all over for you soon and you two are back together.  

grettysk said...

Fran!!!!!!!!!!!

You wrote to me, such a beautiful letter not long ago.  I haven't even responded yet.  For that, I'm so sorry sweetie.  Even in the midst of your own trials and tribulations, it amazes me how you still think of others.  I thank you for that.  I can't say it enough...you are a beautiful person!

When I read your words tonight, I just ached in my heart for you.  For some reason, I got that feeling...what it feels like to be in your shoes just for a few minutes. (((((((((((FRAN)))))))))))).  I just wanted to hug you so much.  It's so "normal" to feel the way you are feeling...confused...happy one minute...sad the next...you have been "on hold" for so long.  You have been jerked around by the rules and the timelines and all of their changes....I'm so proud you have done as well as you have.  You are a strength to others.  And not just the prison wives and families...you represent the hope for anyone needing faith in their lives.  And that hope is so important to get through each minute when you hurt or feel scared or feel like you don't belong...or whatever pain is in your heart.  You touch people Fran.  You make those who are going through trials feel like they aren't alone.  this is a quote that reminds me of you.  It's one that I love:

"You are like a stone thrown into
a pond, and the ripples can be enormous, and you never know whose heart
you are going to touch." ~ Unknown teacher

Please know, Fran, you are not alone.  Even when you feel that way.  I am praying and thinking of you.  God is by your side, even when you can't feel it, too.  And soon, these experiences will be just distant memories that made you and your marriage/love stronger with your husband.  Don't give up...Don't give up.

We love you, Fran.....ESPECIALLY ME...your #1 fan...hee hee
Gretchen xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo