"IF WINTER COMES, CAN SPRING BE FAR BEHIND?"

I'VE BEEN FEELING KIND OF QUIET THESE PAST FEW DAYS....I LOOKED OUT THE WINDOW A FEW MINUTES AGO, AND IT IS SNOWING AGAIN...IT'S 3AM.  JUST WHEN THE SNOW WAS CLEARING UP, AND I THOUGHT I MAYBE COULD VENTURE OUT OF THE HOUSE, HERE IT IS AGAIN.  I JUST  CAN'T GO OUT IN THE COLD AND SNOW...WITH A FOOT THAT JUST 4 MONTHS AGO HAD MAJOR SURGERY, AN AMPUTATION, WITH STILL A WOUND THE IS HEALING...NO BOOT OR SHOE WILL FIT....AND WITH THE NUMBNESS AND POOR CIRCULATION, THERE IS A POSSIBILITY OF FROSTBITE.....SO, I SIT HERE AND WAIT......FOR THE WARM WEATHER, AND FOR MY JIMMY TO RETURN HOME..........IT HAS BEEN ALMOST 3 WEEKS SINCE I LAST WENT OUT OF THE HOUSE, AND I'M JUST NOT USED TO IT.  I MISS LAS VEGAS MORE THAN ANYTHING, WHEN AT THIS TIME OF YEAR IT IS REALLY QUITE WARM...IN VEGAS, WHEN YOU STAND OUTSIDE IN THE RAYS OF THE SUN, YOU ARE WARMED IMMEDIATELY, BECAUSE THE RAYS OF THE SUN ARE SO MUCH STRONGER IN THE DESERT....HERE IN NEW JERSEY, EVEN IF IT IS SUNNY OUT THIS TIME OF YEAR, THE RAYS OF THE SUN ARE NOT STRONG ...........I LOVE THE SOUTHWEST DESERT.........I FEEL I AM PART OF IT.....MY SPIRIT LONGS FOR THE DESERT.........THE DRYNESS, THE WARMTH, THE PEACE, THE TRANQUILITY.........GETTING IN THE CAR AND DRIVING THROUGH THE DESERT......THE BARRENESS, THE CACTUS.......MILES AND MILES OF "NOTHINGNESS.".........NO PERSON, NO ANIMAL IN SIGHT...........DESERT MOUNTAINS IN THE DISTANCE...........EVERYONE SHOULD EXPERIENCE LIVING IN THE DESERT AT LEAST ONCE IN THEIR LIVES..................

WELL, LIFE GOES ON FOR JIMMY AND I.........HE CALLED ME AROUND 5 TIMES TODAY.........EVERYTIME HE CALLED, I WAS STILL IN BED SLEEPING......THAT'S ALL I REALLY COULD DO TODAY......ROLL OVER AND SLEEP..........HE TOLD ME I MUST GET UP TOMORROW AND START DOING A FEW THINGS AROUND THE HOUSE............SOMETIMES IT'S VERY HARD.  AND SO, WE LAUGHED AND TALKED AND JOKED ON THE PHONE........JIMMY WAS IN A GOOD MOOD.....THAT'S HOW OUR LIFE IS. TALKING ON THE PHONE....AND FOR 23 MONTHS, HE KEEPS ME GOING IN LIFE, SURVIVING FROM PHONE CALL TO PHONE CALL..............

TODAY I DID RE-READ PART OF A BOOK I HAVE HAD FOR SVERAL YEARS, WHICH I BOUGHT WHEN IN LAS VEGAS...........IT IS CALLED 'THE MEDICINE WHEEL."................YOU SEE I LOVE BOOKS LIKE THAT........I HAVE HUNDREDS OF BOOKS THAT ARE VERY UNUSUAL, SPIRITUAL BOOKS.......THROUGH THE YEARS OF LIVING IN THE SOUTHWEST DESERT, I BUILT UP MY LIBRARY OF BOOKS.  IN THE HOT, DRY DESERT EVENING, I'D ALWAYS DRIVE OUT TO THE BOOKSTORE, AND BUY MYSELF SOME BOOKS TO ADD TO MY LIBRARY......THEY WERE ALWAYS SPECIAL BOOKS.......I LOVE BOOKS.  THEY ARE MY FRIENDS.  AND THOSE BOOKS ARE HERE WITH ME NOW......YES, MOST WERE SHIPPED 2500 MILES ACROSS THE COUNTRY, FROM VEGAS TO JERSEY......BECAUSE JIMMY KNEW I COULD NOT LIVE WITHOUT THEM.

WHAT IS THE 'MEDICINE WHEEL"   ABOUT?............IT IS A BOOK WRITTEN BY SUN BEAR, A CHIPPEWA MEDICINE MAN, LOCATED IN SPOKANE, WASHINGTON.  THE BOOK WAS WRITTEN AS FROM A VISION HE HAD MANY YEARS AGO.  THE BOOK HELPS TO GUIDE PEOPLE NOT ONLY IN THEIR DAILY LIVING, BUT IN THEIR LIFE PATH AS WELL.

I WOULD LIKE TO SHARE SOME THOUGHTS OF SUN BEAR WITH YOU.  I BELIEVE IT PERTAINS TO ALL HUMAN BEINGS, AND TO OUR EARTH.

"MY MESSAGE CAN BE SUMMED UP IN THE PHASE 'WALK IN BALANCE UPON THE MOTHER EARTH.'  I FEEL WE HAVE COME TO THE POINT WHERE WE TRULY FEEL THE ONENESS, THE UNITY, THAT CONNECTS US TO ALL ASPECTS OF OUR LIVES."........."WE ALL SHARE THE SAME MOTHER EARTH, REGARDLESS OF RACE OR COUNTRY OF ORIGIN, SO LET US LEARN THE WAYS OF LOVE, PEACE AND HARMONY, AND SEEK THE GOOD PATHS IN LIFE."

AND NOW, I WILL SAY GOOD-NITE, AND THANK YOU FOR READING MY JOURNAL.  I APPRECIATE ALL YOUR COMMENTS AND THE WONDERFUL E-MAILS I HAVE RECEIVED....THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH.....YOU ARE ALL IN MY HEART, AND I THINK ABOUT THE VARIOUS PEOPLE WHO MAY STOP BY THIS JOURNAL, TO READ A FEW LINES, IN THEIR BUSY SCHEDULE...WHO CARE ENOUGH TO READ SOMEONE ELSE'S THOUGHTS..........

LOVE,

FRAN........"tTHE WIFE OF A PRISONER"

 

PART 2......'BREAKING NEWS"......update

HERE'S AN UPDATE ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED EARLIER.....JIMMY JUST SPOKE TO ME AGAIN, ON THE PHONE....HE IS CALM , AND WILL CALL ME IN ANOTHER 45 MINUTES..........

ALSO, THANK YOU FOR YOUR IMMEDIATE COMMENTS IN THE LAST ENTRY....THANK YOU FOR BEING CONCERNED, AND I HOPE I CAN ANSWER SOME THINGS FOR YOU. 

BECAUSE OF TODAY'S INCIDENT, MY HUSBAND COULD HAVE BEEN SENT BACK TO "PRISON" IMMEDIATELY, TODAY.....YES, CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS!

HOWEVER, KINTOCK HANDLED IT VERY WELL, AND BECAUSE OF JIMMY'S GOOD REPUTATION, HE HAS NOT BEEN SENT BACK.  FOR THIS, WE ARE FOREVER THANKFUL AND GRATEFUL....(by reputation, i mean, jimmy always follows the rules, and does the right thing for the past 22 months of being in the prison system).

I MUST EXPLAIN THAT MY HUSBAND IS A VERY WELL-EDUCATED MAN, WITH ADVANCED DEGREES, AND HAS HELD MANY JOBS AND POSITIONS IN HIS LIFE.  HE HAS A VERY IMPRESSIVE RESUME.  HE HAD APPLIED FOR A JOB IN THIS OFFICE, WHICH IS AN "UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE, " FOR A JOB INTERVIEWER.  JIMMY WOULD BE INTERVIEWING PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE, LIKE CPA'S (for example).  THIS WAS A VERY GOOD JOB.  NOW, YOU FIGURE IT OUT......THIS WOMAN, WHO WORKS THERE, THAT LIED, SEES MY HUSBAND COMING THERE...HE IS A CONVICT....A MAN WHO COMMITTED A CRIME.......THAT IS HOW SHE VIEWS HIM....SHE JUDGES HIM......I'M SURE SHE DOE NOT WANT HIM TO WORK THERE, IN A JOB WHICH IS , IN FACT, HIGHER THAN HERS.............AFTER ALL, TO HER , "HE IS JUST A CRIMINAL, FROM A HALF-WAY HOUSE.".....I KNOW HOW PEOPLE THINK..........HOWEVER, THAT "CRIMINAL" HAS A WIFE, WHO WILL DEFEND HIM TO THE END....SHE DIDN'T REALIZE THAT.  .................AN APPROXIMATION THAT 95 PER CENT OF INMATES EITHER DON'T HAVE A WIFE OR FAMILY MEMBER TO STICK UP FOR THEM........THOSE THAT DO HAVE WIVES, WELL THE WIVES ARE EITHER SCARED TO SPEAK UP, OR DON'T HAVE THE KNOW-HOW TO DO IT.....WIVES ARE ALWAYS SCARED THAT IF THEY SPEAK-UP, THEIR HUSBANDS WILL BE RETALIATED AGAINST.....................................................

MY HUSBAND IS A VERY WELL-VERSED MAN.....

ALL I CAN SAY AT THIS POINT, IS THAT WE ARE FOLLOWING THE PROPER STEPS AND PROCEDURES TO HAVE THIS ISSUE TAKEN CARE OF....................IF THE WOMAN WAS SMART, SHE WOULD MAKE THAT ONE PHONE CALL TO KINTOCK TO ADMIT THAT SHE MADE A MISTAKE...THAT IS ALL SHE HAS TO SAY..........SHE CAN STOP THE FURTHER PROCEEDINGS THAT WILL NOW TAKE PLACE.

THIS WOMAN TRIED TO SEND MY HUSBAND BACK TO PRISON TODAY.  I HAVE WAITED FOR HIM, NOW GOING ON 23 MONTHS............

I BEG HER TO MAKE THE PHONE CALL....ON THE OTHER HAND, IF SHE DOESN'T IT WILL ALL BE LEGALLY TAKEN CARE OF...........AND COMPUTER LOG RECORDS JUST DON'T LIE.

JIMMY WAS TELLING THE OTHER GUYS WHAT HAPPENED....THEY WERE SHOCKED!......THEY SAID, "YOU CAN'T GET INTO THE PORNO SITES FROM THAT COMPUTER....IT IS BLOCKED...........WE KNOW, BECAUSE WE TRIED!"

AND NOW, I WILL GO AND REST...I'M SORRY TO HAVE TO TELL YOU ALL THIS TERRIBLE NEWS TODAY............SO MANY TERRIBLE THINGS HAPPENED IN THE WORLD TODAY.........A TERRIBLE TRAIN CRASH IN CALIFORNIA......A HELICOPTER CRASH IN IRAQ, KILLING 35 SOLDIERS..............SO MANY THINGS, AND I'M HERE TELLING YOU MY PROBLEMS............THE WAY MY HUSBAND AND I FEEL, IS THAT EVEN IF 1 PERSON DIED TODAY, IT IS A MOST TERRIBLE THING............1 LIFE IS OF IMPORTANCE............NO MATTER WHERE THAT LIFE MAY BE........THAT LIFE IS IMPORTANT TO THE PERSON AND TO HIS LOVED ONES..........AND IF 1 INJUSTICE IS MADE TODAY, TOWARDS OUR FELLOW MANKIND, THAT, TOO IS IMPORTANT..........

AND SO, WITH THAT, I'LL GO AND REST IN BED.........I'LL SAY A PRAY FOR THE SOLDIERS THAT DIED, THE DEAD IN THE TRAIN CRASH, THE TSUNAMI VICTIMS, AND WHOEVER ELSE IS OUT THERE..........I'LL EVEN SAY A PRAYER FOR THIS WOMAN WHO DID THID TO MY HUSBAND..........PLEASE LORD, SHOW HER THE WAY.............................WITH LOVE,   FRAN

....."BREAKING NEWS!!!!!!!".......

I HAVE SOME "BREAKING NEWS,"   THAT JUST OCCURED AT KINTOCK, TO MY HUSBAND.....JIMMY CALLED ME JUST A LITTLE WHILE AGO TO EXPLAIN THAT A TERRIBLE  "INJUSTICE" HAS OCCURRED .........I'LL EXPLAIN, AS BEST I CAN....A "LIE" ABOUT HIM HAS BEEN TOLD, AND NOW HE IS WRITING A REPORT ABOUT IT, AND HE HAS TO BE WRITTEN UP, WHICH IS STANDARD PROCEDURE IN THESE SITUATIONS.  HOWEVER, WE ARE BOTH UPSET, BECAUSE THIS "LIE" WILL BE PLACED IN HIS RECORDS, AT A TIME IN HIS LIFE THAT HE ISTRYING SO HARD TO DO THE RIGHT THING AND FOLLOW THE RULES TO THE TEE.....MY HUSBAND WANTS TO DO THE CORRECT THINGS IN LIFE, AND NOW, A VICIOUS PERSON HAS CROSSED HIS PATH, TRYING TO HARM HIM. 

  FIRST, LET ME SAY, THAT I JUST CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHY THE PEOPLE IN OUR WORLD CANNOT LIVE IN PEACE AND HARMONY.....WE "PROFESS' TO BE A "PEACEFUL"  PEOPLE............BUT ARE WE REALLY?????

  I WORKED FOR 28 YEARS IN THE "WORK-PLACE."  I SAW SO MUCH "BACK-STABBING" AND "BACK-BITING,"  IT WAS INCREDIBLE!  THROUGH THOSE YEARS I SAW PEOPLE I WORKED WITH WHO WERE FIRED OR MADE TO LET GO......SOMETIMES FOR NOTHING BUT JEALOUSY........I FEEL SO VERY SAD TO EVEN WRITE THIS...........I CAN SEE BEFORE ME THOSE FACES OF THE PEOPLE I WORKED WITH, WHO WERE SUDDENLY GONE..............IT I S A TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE ISSUE, AND SCARY TO EVEN THINK THAT SO MUCH EVILNESS EXISTS AMONG WORKING, EDUCATED , INTELLIGENT PEOPLE.............

SO THIS IS WHAT TOOK PLACE TODAY, WITH MY JIMMY.

  THIS MORNING, JIMMY WENT OUT ONCE AGAIN, FROM KINTOCK, TO LOOK FOR A JOB....HE GOES TO AN OFFICE IN BRIDGETON (where kintock is located), WHICH I BELIEVE IS CALLED  "ONE STOP CAREER CENTER," HE SIGNS IN, AND THE WOMAN IN CHARGE  , IS THERE, WHOM HE TALKS TO (I WILL NOT MENTION HER NAME), ABOUT JOBS.  JIMMY SIGNS IN, THEN HAS ACCESS TO A COMPUTER, IN WHICH HE LOOKS UP JOBS.  HE WENT TO THIS WEB-SITE, FOR A FEW MINUTES, TO READ THIS JOURNAL, HIS WIFE'S JOURNAL, "REFLECTIONS OF A PRISON WIFE."....ON THE PHONE, HE DID TELL ME, "FRAN I READ THE LAST ENTRY OF YOUR JOURNAL, AND IT IS BEAUTIFUL.  IT REMINDS ME OF A DICKINSON NOVEL ."

WHEN HE GOT BACK TO KINTOCK, THIS WOMAN CALLED KINTOCK TO REPORT THAT MY HUSBAND WAS LOOKING AT "PORNOGRAPHY " ON THE COMPUTER WHILE  THERE. THIS IS ABSOLUTELEY A VICIOUS , EVIL LIE!.....THIS WOMAN IS SO "IGNORANT," THAT SHE PROBABLY DOESN'T REALIZE THAT MOST COMPUTERS THAT ARE SET UP IN OFFICES SUCH AS HERS , HAVE BLOCKS ON THEM THAT PROHIBIT PEOPLE USING THEM TO GET TO PORNO WEB-SITES.  ALSO, DOES SHE REALIZE THAT EVERY COMPUTER HAS A 'LOG" THAT LISTS EVERTING THAT WAS LOOKED AT IN THE COMPUTER.  DOES SHE REALIZE THAT THIS IS ALL ON RECORD?  DOES SHE REALIZE THAT THIS CAN BECOME A BIG ISSUE, AS SHE HAS LIED ABOUT SOMETHING THAT WILL BE PLACED IN MY HUSBANDS RECORDS FOREVER?

  i HOPE THIS WOMAN IS READING MY JOURNAL RIGHT NOW.  YES, MY DEAR, THIS IS THE PORNOGRAPHIC SITE MY HUSBAND WAS READING......HIS OWN WIFE'S JOURNAL, WHO SITS AT HOME, DISABLED AND BLIND , DESPARETELY WAITING FOR HER HUSBAND TO RETURN HOME.  .................I ASK YOU TO DO THE RIGHT THING.......CALL KINTOCK AND TELL THEM YOU MADE A MISTAKE......YOU THOUGHT IT WAS A PORNO SITE, BUT YOU WERE WRONG........THAT IS ALL YOU HAVE TO DO....CALL AND PUT IT IN WRITING.........YOU WILL CLEAR YOUR CONSCIOUS AND BE ABLE TO SLEEP BETTER TONITE.........AND THE ISSUE WILL ALL BE OVER WITH......OR ELSE, PLEASE REALIZE THAT WE DO HAVE A PRIVATE ATTORNEY, AND THAT TOMORROW I MAY JUST HAVE TO GIVE HIM A CALL....HE WILL HAVE THE KNOW- HOW AND POWER TO BE ABLE TO CLEAR UP THIS ISSUE........I WANT MY HUSBAND'S NAME CLEARED, AS HE IS INNOCENT........

.......I'M SORRY...I'M JUST SO UPSET ABOUT ALL THIS....AND JIMMY IS, TOO.......I KNOW HOW HE IS, AND I KNOW WHAT HE IS THINKING RIGHT NOW..........HE'LL CALL ME IN 30 MINUTES.........I'LL LET YOU KNOW  ABOUT FURTHER DEVELOPEMENTS.................I HOPE THIS WOMAN HEARS MY PLEA, TO SIMPLY CALL, AND SAY SHE MADE A MISTAKE...THAT IS ALL IT WILL TAKE...........

"SNOWDRIFTS"

SNOWFALLS AND SNOWDRIFTS...LAZY DAYS AND LAZY NIGHTS....STAYING "TUCKED INTO" MY WARM HOUSE....THAT IS WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT FOR ME!....CUPS OF TEA AND COCOA....POPCORN........MOVIES ON TV.........AND OF COURSE, WRITING STORIES ON MY COMPUTER............THE ANIMALS SURROUND ME, AND WALK FROM ROOM TO ROOM, ACCORDING TO WHERE I MAY BE................PHONE CALLS FROM JIMMY....AND OF COURSE SOME FRUSTRAYTION ALONG THE WAY......WAITING FOR THE SPRING, AND THEN THE SUMMER...WHEN HE WILL RECEIVE PAROLE.........ENDLESS DAYS AND ENDLESS NIGHTS , FOR ME AT LEAST!..........WAITING FOR THE  "NIGHTMARE " TO FINALLY END..........OH, WILL IT END, LORD?...PLEASE COMFORT ME, AND GIVE ME THE STRENGTH AND ENNDURANCE TO CARRY ON.........SOMETIMES THE "DRAGGING ON" OF THIS PRISON SITUATION, JUST MAKES ME WANT TO "SCREAM".......THAT I JUST CAN'T BEAR THE PAIN ANYMORE............................I CAN'T TAKE IT...................AND I TELL MYSELF, ONCE AGAIN, "JUST ONE MORE DAY...TAKE IT MOMENT BY MOMENT...I KNOW YOU CAN MAKE IT , FRAN."...........................AND SO, I GLARE OUT THE WINDOWS, AND LOOK AT THE SNOW...SO PRETTY, AND TOO ICY AND COLD FOR ME TO HANDLE, WITH VERY BAD NEUROPATHY IN MY HANDS AND LEGS AND FEET.........WITH STILL A DEEP WOUND IN MY FOOT THAT IS HEALING, UNABLE TO WEAR SHOES, AS MY FOOT SPREAD SO FAR OUT WITH THE SURGERY AND AMPUTATION, THAT NO SHOE OR BOOT FITS..........AND SO, I STAY AT HOME, AND WATCH THE HOURS GO BY...WATCHING THE SNOW SLOWLY MELT...REMEMBERING DAYS GONE BY WHEN I WAS ABLE TO GO OUTSIDE AND PLAY IN THE SNOW...BUILD A SNOWMAN...SHOVEL THE DRIVEWAY...THROW A SNOWBALL....................................THE FOOD DWINDLES DOWN...I STARTED RATIONING THINGS....I WONDER IF SOME KIND SOUL WILL COME AND HELP THIS POOR WOMAN WHEN ALL THE FOOD IS GONE....WHEN I'VE EATEN THE LAST CRUMB..........WILL SOMEONE HELP THIS POOR WOMAN, WHOSE HUSBAND IS AWAY AND IN PRISON?....lOL!  I'M JUST NOT SURE!...AND I HATE TO BEG, AND I HATE TO BE A BURDEN.............AND SO, I'LL JUST WAIT FOR THE SPRING!.............

  AND ON A LITTLE HAPPIER NOTE, SINCE I MISS JIMMY SO MUCH RIGHT NOW, IT PHYSICALLY  HURTS ME, AND ALL I REALLY WANT TO DO IS CRY................WELL. I DID START WRITING ARTICLES FOR THE ON-LINE MAGAZINE  "E-ZINE.".........I WROTE ONE LAST NIGHT AND ANOTHER TONIGHT........IT'S KIND OF FUN.......ONE IS LISTED UNDER 'WOMEN'S ISSUES, ' ANOTHER UNDER 'RELATIONSHIPS", AND THE STORIES ARE ABOUT....YOU GUESSED IT!....BEING A PRISON WIFE!

  HOPE YOU ALL HAVE A GOOD NIGHT , AND THANKS FOR READING MY JOURNAL.. I THANK YOU FOR THE COMMENTS, AND ESPEIALLY THAT YOU SHARE A PART OF YOUR INNER SELF WITH ME......IT MAKES LIFE LESS LONELY............THANKS AGAIN!

  AND NOW, I'LL SNUGGLE INTO BED WITH MISTY AND JIMBO, MY 2 CATS, AND PRINCE , MY DOG.........

..........................................LOVE,

             .......................................FRAN

THE PRISON WIFE....THE "FORGOTTEN WOMAN"

IN TRUTH, THE PRISON WIFE IS THE "FORGOTTEN WOMAN."....IT IS THE LABEL THAT I HAVE CHOSEN TO PUT ON THE WIFE OF A PRISONER.........I'LL TRY TO EXPLAIN WHY.

EVERYONE CARES ABOUT THE HOMELESS, THE SICK, THE DYING, THE ORPHANS, VICTIMS OF NATURAL DISASTERS.......MILATARY WIVES......THE LIST GOES ON AND ON...........BUT NO ONE EVEN THINKS ABOUT THE "PRISON WIFE."....SHE IS , IN ACTUALITY, A "VICTIM."......HER HUSBAND COMMITTED A CRIME, WHICH SHE MAY NOT HAVE EVEN KNOWN ANYTHING AT ALL ABOUT.  HE IS PUT IN A PRISON, WITH A BED TO SLEEP IN, 3 MEALS/DAY, NO BILLS TO PAY, NO JOB TO WORRY ABOUT, NO RENT TO WORRY ABOUT, NO CHILDREN TO WORRY ABOUT.  THE WOMAN, ON THE OTHER HAND IS LEFT WITH TOTAL RESPONSIBILITY OF THE HOUSEHOLD..........SHE MUST "HOLD EVERYTHING" TOGETHER WHILE THE HUSBAND IS AWAY.  ONCE INCARCERATED, THE WIFE IS SUDDENLYN LEFT ALONE WITHOUT HER HUSBAND'S PAYCHECK....SHE MUST PAY THE RENT, THE MORTGAGE, THE CARS , THE INSURANCES...LIFE STILL GOES ON FOR HER.............I KNOW THAT MANY WOMEN HAVE LOST THEIR HOMES IN THEIR FINANCIAL STRUGGLE..........................THE WOMEN WORK, AND ON THEIR DAYS OFF, ON THE WEEKEND,  GO TO SEE THEIR HUSBAND IN PRISON..........THEY TAKE PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION, LEAVE AT UNGODLY HOURS TO GET THERE  (LIKE 4 OR 5 AM), BECAUSE PRISONS ARE USUALLY IN REMOTE AREAS, AND THE HUSBAND ALWAYS SEEMS TO BE PLACED AS FAR AWAY AS POSSIBLE FROM HIS HOME.........WIVES CAN NO LONGER AFFORD PHONES, OR CARS........

I HAVE YET TO READ ARTICLES ABOUT THIS SUBJECT.  IT IS LIKE A BIG SECRET....NO ONE WANTS TO EVEN THINK ABOUT IT, NO LESS TALK ABOUT IT..............AND YET, WITH CLOSE TO 2 MILLION PEOPLE INCARCERATED IN THE PRISON SYSTEM IN THIS COUNTRY, IMAGINE JUST HOW MANY WIVES ARE LEFT BEHIND?.......NO LESS, ANY LOVED ONE, BE IT GIRLFRIEND, MOTHER, AND YES, THE POOR CHILDREN OF THE INCARCERATED (THEY TOO ARE THE FORGOTTEN ONES)

  I ASK YOU, HAVE YOU HEARD OF ANY PROGRAMS SET UP IN OUR COUNTRY TO HELP THESE FORGOTTEN PEOPLE?......IF NOTHING ELSE, SOME SORT OF PSYCHOLOGICAL SUPPORT SHOULD BE AVAILABLE. 

AGAIN, I STRESS, THESE WOMEN ARE BEING "THROWN AWAY" IN OUR SOCIETY. I WONDER WITH 2 MILLION MEN IN PRISON, HOW MANY WIVES ARE BEHIND CLOSED DOORS, LIVING IN SECRECY, AFARID OF THE WORLD, AFRAID TO EXPRESS THEMSELVES..........MAYBE EVEN CONTEMPLATING TAKING THEIR OWN LIVES.  WE JUST DON'T KNOW, BECAUSE AS FAR AS I KNOW, NO GOVERNMENTAL PROGRAMS ARE IN EXISTENCE FOR THESE WOMEN.

HOW DO I KNOW THESE THINGS?...BECAUSE I HAVE SPOKEN TO MANY WOMAN.......GIRLFRIENDS, WIVES, AND EVEN MOTHERS.............I STOOD IN LINE WITH THOSE WOMEN, WAITING TO GET INTO THE PRISON...I HEARD WHAT THEY HAVE TO SAY, AND IN MY HEART AND SOUL, I CANNOT IGNORE IT.  .....I AM A HUMAN BEING, JUST AS THEY ARE......

I HEARD THEIR STORIES.  SOME WERE WAITING MANY YEARS FOR THEIR HUSBAND TO RETURN.........WITH CHILDREN.......A LOT OF WOMEN WERE PREGNANT..........MANY BECAME AGROPHOBIC AM,D WOULD NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE.  FRIENDS AND FAMILY MEMBERS TURNED ON THEM WHEN THE HUSBAND WAS PUT IN PRISON.  MANY OF THESE WOMEN SEEMED TO DEVELOP PSYCHOLOGICAL PROBLEMS, AND IT WAS IGNORED........SOME TOLD ME HOW THEY WERE PUT ON ANTI-DEPRESSENTS....HOW EVEN THEIR CHILDREN WERE PUT ON PSYCH MEDS..........SOME CALLED ME ON THE PHONE........THEY COULD NO LONGER EAT...THEY DRANK COFFEE AND SMOKED CIGARRETTES ALL DAY. ...AND YES, I HEARD WOMEN ON THE PHONE CRYING, SCREAMING...THEY DID NOT KNOW HOW THEY WOULD MAKE IT ANOTHER DAY, WITHOUT THEIR HUSBAND.  THEY WOULD CALL ME ALL DAY, LEAVING MESSAGES ON MY ANSWERING MACHINE, TO PLEASE TALK TO THEM.  AND I WOULD TALK TO THEM, AND LISTEN....THAT IS REALLY ALL THEY WANTED.  I WOULD TELL THEM, "THERE ARE NO WORDS I CAN REALLY SAY, BUT I WILL LISTEN TO YOU, AND I UNDERSTAND, BECAUSE I'M IN THE SAME PLACE YOU ARE......YOU ARE NOT ALONE."..................THAT IS ALL THEY REALLY WANTED TO HEAR........."YOU ARE NOT ALONE."......SOME WOULD CALL ME FOR WEEKS ON END, AND THEN THE CALLS WOULD STOP..........AS FOR ME, I WAS SO EXTREMELY DEPRESSED MYSELF, THAT AT ONE POINT I HAD TO CUT OFF THESE CALLS,,,,,IT WAS DIFFICULT FOR ME TO LISTEN TO ALL THESE CRYING, DESPERATE WOMEN......

SOME REEAD MY JOURNAL, AND ONE REFUSED TO LEAVE A COMMENT HERE.......SHE WAS SO FEARFUL, SO SHE WOULD WRITE ME E-MAILS...........

I SAW MOTHERS AND TALKED ON THE PHONE TO THEM......MOTHERS WITH SUCH EXTREME LOVE IN THEIR EYES, FOR THEIR SON..............A YOUNG SON, WHO WENT DOWN THE WRONG PATHWAY IN LIFE.........AND NOW THE MOTHER VISITED HIM REGULARLY..............I SAW PREGNANT WOMEN ON VISITS, ACCOMPANIED BY FATHERS.......YOUNG, PRETTY WOMEN....WITH EVERYTHING AND MORE TO LIVE FOR, ONLY NOW PART OF THE PRISON SYSTEM.............MOTHERS THANKED ME TIME AND TIME AGAIN ON THE PHONE...THEY FINALLY GOT A MESSAGE THAT THEIR SON WAS OK, AND WHERE HE WAS.  ONE BROTHER EVEN INVITED ME TO THEIR FAMILY CHRISTMAS DINNER, 2003, AND SAID THERE WOULD BE A HOUSEHOLD FULL OF PEOPLE AND CHILDREN, 30 OR MORE, AND I WAS WELCOME. JUST THE INVITATION AND THOUGHT OF IT TOUCHED MY HEART AND SOUL...........

LET ME EXPLAIN A LITTLE FURTHER ABOUT WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT........THEN, YOU MAY UNDERSTAND.......I CAN ONLY SPEAK FOR MYSELF, AND MY EXPERIENCE.......

WHEN YOUR HUSBAND GOES TO PRISON, HE NO LONGER BELONGS TO YOU.  HE BELONGS TO THE STATE.  SO, IN REALITY, YOU ARE A MARRIED WOMAN, WITHOUT A HUSBAND.  YOU ARE IN A WORLD OF YOUR OWN...YOU CREATE A SHELL AROUND YOU.  YOU ARE NO LONGER PART OF ANYTHING...LIFE JUST GOES ON DAY BY DAY.  YOU TRY TO GET A GRIP OF YOURSELF, AND SAY YOU ARE "KEEPING THE HOUSEHOLD TOGETHER."...........WIDOWS CAN MOVE ON...PRISON WIVES CAN'T.  A WIDOW GRIEVES HER HUSBAND, AND THEN AS TIME GOES ON, SHE MAY START TO SOCIALIZEA ND DO THINGS AND MAKE FRIENDS........A PRISON WIFE CAN'T.  SHE REMAINS FAITHFUL TO HER HUSBAND, AND MAKING NEW FRIENDS IS DIFFICULT.  THE OLD FRIENDS YOU ONCE HAD AS A COUPLE TURN AGAINST YOU.  WE HAD FRIENDS AND FAMILY MEMBERS WHO WAITED FOR THE DAY JIMMY WENT TO JAIL, AND THEY STARTED CALLING ME ON THE PHONE, TELLING ME HOW "HORRIBLE" MY HUSBAND WAS...........I DIDN'T WANT O HEAR IT, AND I REFUSE TO LISTEN TO THEIR TWISTED TALES....YOU SEE, THEY WAITED FOR JIMMY TO BE LOCKED AWAY IN A PLACE WHERE HE COULD NOT GET OUT , AND THEY STARTED "TORTURING"  MY MIND.  AND SO, LIKE THE REST OF THE PRISON WIVES, I TOO, LIVED IN FEAR, BEHIND CLOSED DOORS.........PEOPLE THAT WERE ONCE NICE TO ME, WERE ACTUALLY TORTURING ME WITH THEIR WORDS..........AND I FOUND OUT, THIS WAS THE CASE WITH MOST PRISON WIVES.................SOME FRIENDS HAD PROMISED JIMMY THAT THEY WOULD "LOOK AFTER ME," WHEN HE WAS AWAY.......I HAD ONE PERSON, SAY, "I WILL ALWAYS BE YOUR FRIEND WHEN JIMMY GOES TO PRISON.  CALL ME IF YOU NEED ANYTHING."....SHE LATER CHANGED, AND FORGOT ALL HER PROMISES.  OTHERS, WHO SAID THEY WOULD HELP ME WITH THE SHOPPING, AS I COULDN'T DRIVE DUE TO MY EYESIGHT, WELL SOME HELPED IN THE BEGINNING, AND THEN LATER STOPPED, BECAUSE WHEN MONTHS START TURNING INTO YEARS IT CAN JUST BE TOO MUCH FOR PEOPLE TO HANDLE........

THERE ARE SO MANY ISSUES HERE.  ANOTHER TIME, I WILL TELL YOU MORE THINGS ABOUT BEING A PRISON WIFE. 

THE KITCHEN AT KINTOCK

MY HUSBAND NOT ONLY LOVES TO COOK, HE LOVES TO CLEAN!....AND SO, AS HE COOKS IN THE KITCHEN AT KINTOCK, HE KEEPS EVERYTHING SPOTLESSLY CLEAN!....THAT IS MY HUSBAND FOR YOU!...WHAT A MAN!....HE IS TRUTHFULLY EVERY WOMAN;S "DREAM COME TRUE!"....COOKING AND CLEANING!....AND HE EVEN SHOPS!....I'M THE LUCKY ONE, AS I GOT TO MARRY HIM, (although jimmy always says it's the other way around,he got to marry me!)......THAT IS ONE ASPECT OF OUR MARRIAGE....WE ALWAYS FIND HUMOUROUS THINGS TO SAY TO EACH OTHER...SOMEHOW THE HUMOR DOESN'T MAKE THINGS SEEM SO BAD!.....................AND SO, JIMMY JUST CAN'T WAIT TO GET HOME SO HE CAN START CLEANING!.....MOPPING THE FLOORS, SHAMPOOING THE RUGS....OH WHAT A GREAT TIME HE CAN HAVE HERE!  I'll MAKE SURE I HAVE PLENTY OF CLEANING PRODUCTS HERE WHEN HE GETS HOME, SO HE CAN HAVE A JOLLY GOOD TIME!..........HE MAY EVEN BE A FEW LBS. LIGHTER WHEN HE RETURNS TO KINTOCK, FROM ALL THE WORK!.......HOWEVER, HE DOES ASSURE ME HE HAS SOME OTHER BUSINESS TO SETTLE WITH ME FIRST, WHEN HE GETS HOME.....(smile)......

  JIMMY COOKED MEATLOAF THE OTHER DAY , USING TURKEY MEAT........I USED TO MAKE KOFTA....WHICH WERE INDIAN MEATBALLS, USING TURKEY MEAT AND INDIAN SPICES, AND THEY WERE ALWAYS VERY GOOD.  MY HUSBAND KNEW ABOUT THIS RECIPE OF MINE, SO HE ADDED SOME MEXICAN TACO SPICE MIX TO THE MEATLOAF, AND THE GUYS JUST LOVED IT!....IT MAKES ME SO HAPPY, THAT JIMMY CAN MAKE OTHERS HAPPY THROUGH HIS COOKING!............I AM ALWAYS SO PROUD OF MY HUSBAND!............................................WHEN JIMMY FIRST WENT AWAY TO PRISON, I TOLD HIM ,"JIMMY, I AM SO PROUD OF YOU, THAT YOU DID THE RIGHT THING AND TURNED YOURSELF IN.....AND I AM PROUD TO BE YOUR WIFE."  ....."FRAN, " HE RESPONDED, HOW CAN YOU BE PROUD OF A MAN WHO HAS COMMITTED A CRIME?".......I REASSURED HIM I LOVED HIM, AND THAT WAS ALL THERE WAS TO IT.............HE REPEATED THOSE WORDS BACK TO ME MANY TIMES WHILE HE WAS INCARCERATED......TO ME, I LOVE HIM UNCONDITIONALLY, AND I KNOW THAT HE IS NOW ON THE RIGHT PATH OF LIFE..............TO ME , HE ALWAYS SAYS, "YOU CAN DO NO WRONG."..............AND SO, THAT'S WHAT LOVE IS ALL ABOUT!

  TODAY I CALLED NEW YORK TO FIND OUT WHICH ISSUE OF "TRUE STORY" MAGAZINE MY STORY WAS PUBLISHED IN...."MIRACLE OF FAITH."  I FOUND OUT IT CAME OUT IN THE NOVEMBER  2004 ISSUE.  I WAS IN THE HOSPITALAT THE TIME, SO WAS UNABLE TO GET IT.  THE WOMAN I SPOKE TO WAS SO NICE AND WILL BE SENDING ME SEVERAL COPIES....THE STORY IS ABOUT WHEN JIMMY LOST HIS WEDDING BAND WHILE SHOVELING SNOW AT BAYSIDE LAST YEAR.......IN THE SPRING, AN INMATE, WHO WAS DOING GARDENING WORK, FOUND HIS RING NEAR A BUSH, IN BROAD DAYLIGHT.......JUST THAT MORNING, JIMMY HAD SPOKEN TO GOD IN HIS PRAYERS, AND TOLD GOD HE WAS GOING TO STOP PRAYING, AS THINGS JUST WEREN'T GOING AS WELL AS HE PLANNED....AND SO, THE RING WAS A SIGN FROM ABOVE...IT RESTORED JIMMY AND MY FAITH IN GOD AND WE CONTINUED TO PRAY AND HAVE FAITH............

  THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING MY JOURNAL, AND I APPRECIATE ANY COMMENTS YOU MAY HAVE......PRISON WIVES, I KNOW YOU ARE READING THIS, SO PLEASE LET ME KNOW WHAT IS ON YOUR MIND....................................

I'D LIKE TO REPEAT THIS QUOTE AGAIN, WHICH I BELIEVE IS FROM ST. FRANCIS ASSISSI.........."SEARCH FOR YOUR OWN PRISON, SO THAT YOU MAY FIND FREEDOM."

...........................................FRAN........................

OUR LOVE GROWS STRONGER WITH EACH PASSING DAY

OUR LOVE GROWS STRONGER WITH EACH PASSING DAY....EACH PASSING MOMENT.  WHEN JIMMY LEFT THIS HOUSE ON FRIDAY MORNING, MARCH 28, 2003,  TO GO TO COURT (TO TURN HIMSELF INTO OCEAN COUNTY JAIL) , FOR THE CRIME HE HAD COMMITTED, WE WERE STILL IN A STATE OF INFATUATION.  IS THAT POSSIBLE, FOR 2 PEOPLE OF OUR AGE? (i am now 51, and jimmy is 49).....YES, LET ME TELL YOU, IT IS POSSIBLE.  WE HAD BEEN MARRIED 2 YEARS AT THE TIME HE WENT TO JAIL.....AND YES, I WAS HAVING "RIPPLES" AND "CHILLS" THROUGHOUT MY BODY, WHEN I WAS ANYWHERE NEAR JIMMY...WHEN I LOOKED AT HIM, OR EVEN JUST THOUGHT OF HIM.  JIMMY TOLD ME HE HAD THE SAME SENSATIONS WHEN HE LOOKED AT ME.  IN THE 2 YEARS BEFORE JIMMY LEFT THIS HOUSE, WE WERE NEVER APART....I WAS AT HIS SIDE AT ALL TIMES.

22 MONTHS LATER, OUR LOVE HAS GROWN EVEN STRONGER AND DEEPER. ....IS IT POSSIBLE FOR LOVE TO GROW EVEN STRONGER, SEPERATED BY PRISON WALLS?  YES, IT IS.  AND WE PROVE IT.

JIMMY AND I STAY CONNECTED....THE TELEPHONE IS AN IMPORTANT PART OF OUR RELATIONSHIP.  HE WAKES ME UP EACH DAY BETWEEN 11 AM AND 12N....THEN HE'LL SAY, "I'LL CALL YOU NEXT AT 3:30....HIS CALLS COME IN EVERY 3 TO 4 HOURS.  I CARRY MY CELL PHONE WHEN SHOPPING, AND HE CALLS ME IN THE STORES, TOO..(WE'RE ABLE TO USE THE CELL PHONE IN THE HALF-WAY HOUSE, NOT IN THE PRISON)....HIS LAST CALLS COME IN DURING THE EVENING....IF I'M UPSET ABOUT SOMETHING, HE CALLS ME CONTINUOSLY THROUGHOUT THE DAY.

AND SO, WE STAY CONNECTED AT ALL TIMES.  HOWEVER, IT IS NOT JUST THE PHONE...IT IS OUR "THOUGHTS."........EVEN OUR DREAMS..........SOMETIMES AT NITE WHEN WE SLEEP, WE MEET EACH OTHER IN OUR SLEEP...WE DREAM OF EACH OTHER....WE HAVE SIMILAR DREAMS...WE COMPARE NOTES....I FEEL JIMMY'S PRESENCE ALL OVER ME...HE FEELS ME WITH HIM, TOO, AT ALL TIMES.  ONE NIGHT, I FELT JIMMY COME INTO THE BEDROOM, AND I FELT HIM SIT ON THE BED...I FELT THR BED MOVE...I KNEW HE WAS THERE.  BEFORE JIMMY LEFT HOME FOR JAIL, WE MADE AN AGREEMENT.......TO ALWAYS STAY CONNECTED, NO MATTER WHAT, NO MATTER WHERE WE WERE, AT ALL TIMES....THROUGH OUR THOUGHTS.  I KNOW IT SOUNDS STRANGE, BUT IT IS POSSIBLE!

I LOVE MY HUSBAND SO MUCH....HE IS A WONDERFUL MAN, IN SO MANY WAYS!...............AND OUR LOVE HAS ONLY GROWN STRONGER, DESPITE PRISON WALLS.....AND OUR MARRIAGE HAS GROWN DEEPER AND DEEPER, STRONGER AND STRONGER....IT HAS GROWN AND PROGRESSED.........IT HAS BECOME "MULTI-DIMENSIONAL."  IT'S HARD TO EXPLAIN.  LOVE WAS ALWAYS THERE, BUT NOW IT IS EVEN MORE CEMENTED THEN EVER BEFORE...................IT IS BONDED WITH A ROPE OF STEEL..........................

THANK YOU FOR READING MY JOURNAL.  .........

....................FRAN, THE WIFE OF A PRISONER

life goes on

FOR ME, LIFE GOES ON....IT'S KIND OF A LAZY SORT OF DAY....IT SNOWED TODAY, BUT THE SUN SHINED BRIGHTLY AFTERWARDS, AND EVERYTHING MELTED.  HOWEVER, IT IS JUST TOO COLD FOR ME TO EVEN VENTURE OUT OF THE HOUSE....I TOLD JIMMY, 'I WILL NOT GO OUT OF THE HOUSE UNTIL THE SPRING.".....AT LEAST NOT UNTIL MARCH.......I DON'T LIKE THE COLD AND SNOW, AND THERE ARE NO 2 WAYS ABOUT IT...THAT IS WHY I MOVED TO A WARM CLIMATE STATE.... ONLY TO MARRY A MAN WHO BROUGHT ME RIGHT BACK TO THE SNOW!......FUNNY THING, EVERY WINTER, FOR THE PAST 3 YEARS OF LIVING HERE, I GO THROUGH THIS......I REFUSE TO CHANGE UNTIL I CAN GET BACK TO THE SOUTHWEST DESERT................AND SO, BEING A STUBBORN PERSON, I WILL STAY INSIDE UNTIL THE SPRING, AND I WILL SURVIVE...WITH MY PETS, WITH THE WARM HEAT ON, DRINKING CUPS OF TEA, AND COCOA, AND WEARING MY COZY SWEATER..........I MADE SURE I STOCKED THE HOUSE WITH LOTS OF GROCERIES LAST WEEK....AND OF COURSE PET FOOD.....10 LB. BAGS OF DRY CAT FOOD....DOG FOOD AND AND AROUND 80 CANS OF CAT FOOD........ONE THING I KNOW, MY PETS JUST LOVE TO EAT!

JIMMY CALLED ME TWICE TODAY....LIFE MOVES SLOW FOR HIM, AS IT DOES FOR ME....HIS JOB STILL HASN'T STARTED.........THERE ARE SEVERAL GUYS WHOSE JOBS HAVEN'T STARTED YET EITHER.  EVERYONE IS BECOMING FRUSTRATED.  WHAT CAN WE ALL DO?  NOTHING.  IT IS CALLED BEING "HELPLESS," AND PART OF THE SYSTEM.  SO, WE PATIENTLY WAIT.  WE PUT OUR HOPES ON OUR WEDDING ANNIVERSARY, APRIL 29, THAT JIMMY WILL BE HOME ON A WEEK-END FURLOUGH, AND WE CAN CELEBRATE OUR ANNIVERSAY TOGETHER.

JIMMY AND I TALK ABOUT MOVIES I WATCH AT HOME...IN THE EVENING I LIKE TO TRY AND WATCH A FEW MOVIES AT NIGHT...WE HAVE DIGITAL CABLE, SO WE HAVE ALL THE CABLE STATIONS  (there is a total of over 700 stations now on digital)...I KEEP A LIST OF THE MOVIES I SEE, AND TELL HIM ABOUT THEM.  SOME OF MY RECENT FAVORITE ONES ARE. "IN THE CUT." (i've seen it about 12 times!)...IT'S ABOUT A SCHOOLTEACHER AND HER RELATIONSHIP WITH A DETECTIVE, AS HE SEARCHES FOR A SERIAL KILLER.  ANOTHER FAVORITE MOVIE OF MINE IS, "SECRETARY." (watched it about 5 times...IT'S ABOUT A SUBMISSIVE SECRETARY AND HER RELATIONSHIP WITH HER BOSS..........................JIMMY HAS TOLD THE GUYS IN THE HALF-WAY HOUSE ABOUT THESE 2 MOVIES, AND THEY ARE TRYING TO FIND OUT IF SOMEONEHAS RENTED IT, OTHERWISE THEY WILL BE RENTING THEM IN A FEW WEEKS.......THE GUYS SEEM TO ESPECIALLY LIKE "IN THE CUT, ' AND MEG RYAN STARS IN IT...IN THIS MOVIE, MEG RYAN DOES NOT PLAY HER USUAL GOOD-GIRL ROLE.....TRY AND SEE IT IF YOU GET A CHANCE!.........

HAS ANYONE BEEN WATCHING "DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES?"...I LIKE IT...IT'S SOMETHING A LITTLE DIFFERENT......I ESPECIALLY LIKED THE HUSBAND WHO IS ON "HOUSE ARREST,"  AND HIS WIFE SAT ON THE CURB, IN FRONT OF HIM EATING "HIS" BUCKET OF FRIED CHICKEN....HE WAS JUST DYING FOR THAT CHICKEN....EVERY TIME HE STEPPED NEAR TO THE CURB, THE ELECTRONIC BUZZER WENT OFF.......THAT WIFE WAS BEING SO MEAN TO HER HUSBAND1....POOR GUY!

WHEN JIMMY WAS HOME, HE'D TAKE ME TO THE MOVIES ALL THE TIME....WE SAW JUST ABOUT EVERY NEW AND LATEST MOVIE AT THE TIME......MY HUSBAND IS ONE TO BE THERE ON OPENING NGHTS, TOO.............HE IS A BIG FAN OF STARWARS, HARRY POTTER, SPIDERMAN..........GOT TO RUN....JIMMY JUST CALLED ME ON MY CELL, WHICH IS RUNNING LOW, AND HE'LL CALL ME IN 5 MINUTES ON THE HOUSE PHONE................FRAN

A HAPPY OCCASION!

I HAD THE INTERVIEW WITH THE NEWSPAPER REPORTER LAST WEDNESDAY, AND ALL WENT WELL!  WE MET AT MY SISTER'S HOUSE, BECAUSE PRINCE WILL NOT LET ANYONE EVEN WALK IN FRONT OF THE HOUSE, NO LESS COME INTO THE HOUSE!....HE BARKS SO MUCH, AND GETS AGITATED WHEN ANYONE IS NEAR TO ME.......

THE INTERVIEW TOOK 1.5 HOURS, AND A PHOTOGRAPER WAS THERE TO SNAP MY PIX....I HOPE YOU WILL ALL READ THE STORY WHEN IT COMES OUT...IT WILL MOST LIKELY BE IN THE SUNDAY EDITION OF THE ASBURY PARK PRESS....FEBRUARY 6, 2005.......UNDER "CROSSROADS" or "TURNING POINT.".....IT CAN BE READ ON-LINE, TOO.

ALL WENT WELL, AND I FELT HONORED AND BLESSED TO HAVE SUCH AN INTERVIEW.  I'M GLAD THEY LIKED MY STORY....

  JIMMY STILL HASN'T STARTED HIS JOB AT THE DELI....FOR ME, THE TIME SIMPLY DRAGS ON......EVERYDAY HE TELLS ME...."HOPEFULLY TOMORROW.".......ONE DAY, THE ENTIRE PLACE WAS QUARENTINED....ANOTHER DAY, THE WEATHER WAS NO GOOD.........AND SO, TIME MOVES ON......I FEEL VERY EMOTIONAL ABOUT ALL THIS, BUT WHAT CAN I DO?  NOTHING, BUT SIT AND WAIT.  UNTIL HE STARTS THE JOB, HE CAN'T START HIS WEEK-END FURLOUGHS HOME....AND AT THAT, IT WILL STILL BE WEEKS AFTER THE JOB STARTS........SO NOW, I'M HOPING FOR THE SPRING....BECAUSE TIME STANDS STILL FOR NO MAN...........................LOVE, FRAN

MY THOUGHTS

I JUST LOVE THIS JOURNAL...I LOVE SHARING MY INNER THOUGHTS WITH YOU......"THE ME THAT NOBODY KNOWS."................AND I ESPECIALLY LOVE ALL OF YOU, MY READER'S, WHO EITHER STOP BY ON A WHIM TO SEE WHAT I HAVE TO SAY, AND ALL OF YOU WHO HAVE FOLLOWED THIS JOURNAL FROM THE START, OVER A YEAR AGO...............I KNOW THAT MY THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS ARE MINE, BUT I KNOW THEY BELONG TO YOU, TOO.  YOU SEE, WHAT I WRITE IS WHAT EVERYONE IDENTIFIES WITH...........YOU NEED NOT BE A PRISONER'S WIFE....YOU CAN BE ANYONE TO IDENTIFY WITH THIS JOURNAL..........WE ALL HAVE EMOTIONS AND THOUGHTS......WE ALL HAVE SOME SORT OF PROBLEM, WHETHER IT BE BIG OR SMALL...........THAT IS JUST HOW THE WORLD IS...............AND SO WE GIVE A LITTLE BIT OF OURSELVES TO OTHERS........AND THEN, LIFE DOESN'T SEEM ALL THAT BAD AFTER-ALL!

  EVERYTHING IN LIFE IS EITHER A BLESSING OR A CURSE.  IT IS SIMPLY HOW WE LOOK AT IT, AND HOW WE "CHOOSE" TO LOOK AT IT.  I LOST MY EYESIGHT EXACTLY ONE YEAR AFTER I MARRIED JIMMY.  AT THE AGE OF 48, I HAD TO STOP WORKING AS A NURSE.  I HAD TO GIVE UP A CAREER AND PROFESSION THAT I HAD WORKED IN FOR 28 YEARS........I WAS A YOUNG WOMAN, 20 YEARS OLD, WHEN I FIRST BECAME AN RN...I WENT RIGHT OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL (HERE IN NEW JERSEY), AND WENT TO COLLEGE AND BECAME AN RN WITH AN ASSOCIATE DEGREE.  THEN I PROGRESSED TO A BSN, AND LATER A MASTER'S .  WHAT I'M SAYING IS, I WAS VERY YOUNG.....I WAS A NURSE MY WHOLE LIFE....IT WAS LIKE SECOND NATURE TO ME....I LOVED DOING IT....I WAS PART OF THE HEALING PROCESS OF THE PERSON.  I GOT SO MANY THANK-YOU'S THROUGH THE YEARS...IT IS ALMOST INCREDIBLE TO THINK OF JUST HOW MANY PEOPLE I WAS PART OF FOR ALL THOSE YEARS OF NURSING....IT WAS REALLY AN HONOR TO BE PART OF THE HEALING PROCESS OF THOSE PEOPLE THROUGH THE YEARS.AND , THEN, I HAD TO SUDDENLY STOP WORKING.  FOR SOME IT WOULD BE A DREAM COME TRUE TO BE ABLE TO RETIRE AT THE AGE OF 48!........AS FOR ME, I ALWAYS THOUGHT I'D CONTINUE WORKING AS AN RN FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.............BUT FATE HAD SOMETHING ELSE IN STORE FOR ME!..........................IN THE WEEKS AFTER I WAS FIRST TERMED "LEGALLY BLIND,"  I LAY IN BED, IN LAS VEGAS, CRYING, IN A DARK ROOM.  I DIDN'T WANT THE BLINDS AND CURTAINS OPEN.  I DIDN'T WANT THE SUN TO SHINE INTO THE ROOM.  WHEN I DID GET UP, I'D SIT AROUND, WITH THE TV ON....NOT LOOKING AT IT.  I COULDN'T CARE LESS...I  COULDN'T SEE IT CLEARLY...WHAT WAS THE SENSE OF EVEN TRYING?   I WAS VERY DEPRESSED....AS MOST ARE WHEN THEIR VISION BEGINS TO FAIL....................WELL, ONE DAY, JIMMY CAME UPSTAIRS TO THE BEDROOM, WHERE I LAY IN BED.  HE CAME TO ME, AND SAID IN A STRICT SORT OF VOICE, "FRAN, I AM NOT GOING TO HAVE A WIFE WHO LAYS AROUND ALL DAY FEELING SORRY FOR HERSELF.  THERE ARE THINGS YOU CAN STILL DO.  THIS IS NOT THE END OF THE WORLD.  I AM YOUR HUSBAND, AND TOGETHER WE WILL EXPLORE AVENUES OF THINGS YOU CAN DO .  I REFUSE TO HAVE A WIFE WHO LAYS IN BED ALL DAY, AND WILL NOT TRY.  LOOK AT HELEN KELLER, ALL THE WONDERFUL THINGS SHE ACCOMPLISHED.  YOU ARE YOUNG, FRAN, AND STILL HAVE MUCH TO GIVE THE WORLD."  THEN HE PHYSICALLY LIFTED ME OUT OF THE BED AND SAT ME IN A CHAIR NEXT TO THE BED.  .........AND THEN WE STARTED TALKING ABOUT THINGS I COULD START DOING.............AND EVERYDAY, WE TALKED ABOUT THIS.......AND WE EXPLORED.........AND I STARTED LEARNING NEW WAYS TO USE MY BODY..........I LEARNED TO USE MY EARS, MORE THAN I AHD EVER DONE.  AND SO WHEN I SAT NEAR THE TV, I LEARNED TO RELY ON MY HEARING THE TV SHOW.  JIMMY BOUGHT ME A BIG TV SCREEN, AND A BIG COMPUTER SCREEN, SO IT WAS EASIER FOR ME.  I LEARNED TO REALIZE AND ACCEPT THAT I WAS NOT SEEING THE EXACT PARTICULARS OF EVERYTHING.....I COULDN'T SEE THE LITTLE DOTS, AND SMALL THINGS......................BUT MY QUESTION, 'ARE THOSE SMALL THINGS REALLY IMPORTANT TO SEE?"...........I STARTED SAYING ,"SO WHAT?".............AND SO I PROGRESSED, LEARNING AND TEACHING MYSELF TO USE MY BODY AS BEST I CAN................I KNOW MY READER'S REALIZE THAT EVEN THOUGH THIS IS  A BIG SCREEN, THE WORDS AND LETTERS ARE STILL VERY BLURRY....LETTERS KEEP RUNNING INTO EACH OTHER, AND I CAN BARELY SEE THE PUNCTUATION MARKS........BUT I KNOW YOU FORGIVE ME, FOR NOT BEING PERFECT!........WELCOME TO MY WORLD, AND EVERYBODY'S WORLD, LOL...."THE WORLD OF IMPERFECTION!".........I AM LUCKY, AS I CAN STILL READ A LITTLE WITH MY LEFT EYE, BUT I HAVE TO KEEP MY RIGHT EYE CLOSED DUE TO DISTORTION DUE TO MACULAR PROBLEMS IN THE RIGHT EYE, AND HOLD THE PAGE 1 INCH FROM MY LEFT EYE.  I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN AN AVID READER.  I READ ONE WORD AT A TIME, AND CAN NO LONGER SCAN, AS I ALWAYS DID.  IN THE DOCTOR'S REPORT, HE SAYS I AM UNABLE TO READ OR DRIVE, SO I THINK EVEN HE IS  A LITTLE PUZZLED JUST HOW I READ SO MUCH.  HE SAYS THE READING STRENGTHENS MY EYE. I AM WORKING DOUBLY HARDER TO SEE, AND GET TIRED EASILY AND FASTER THAN MOST PEOPLE.....ALSO, LITERATURE SAYS THAT IT TAKES A PERSON AROUND 1 YEAR TO ADJUST THEIIR LIFE TO THE LOSS OF EYESIGHT.  THE MAIN QUESTION, IS IF THEY WANT TO.

  I MUST INCLUDE, THAT SOON AFTER , I STARTED SINGING...AND TAPING MYSELF...I LOVE MUSIC, AND WITH MY EARS HAVE TRAINED MYSELF TO LISTEN TO THE BEAT, RYTHM, AND EACH INSTRUEMENT.  I LOVE TO LISTEN FOR THE DRUMS IN A SONG!......ONE DAY I WILL LEARN TO PLAY THE DRUMS, AND MAYBE THE KEYBOARD........WHEN JIMMY RETURNS, HE WILL TAKE ME TO KARAOKE CONTESTS!.......IN THOSE DAYS AND MONTHS WHEN I LOST MY EYESIGHT, JIMMY TOOK ME OUT EVERYDAY....FOR RIDES IN THE AFTERNOON....LUNCH...DINNER....SHOPPING....CASINOS...EVERYTHING AND EVERYWHERE.........HE DID NOT WANT A RECLUSIVE WIFE...HE WAS WITH ME EVERY STEP OF THE WAY, BECAUSE THERE WERE ENDLESS EYE DOCTOR VISITS....AND I AHHATED THOSE BRIGHT LIGHTS THE DOCTORS WPULD SHINE INTO MY EYES......THEY WOULD BE LOOKING AND LOOKING INTO MY EYES WITH LIGHTS....HUMORESSLY I WONDERED TO MYSELF JUST WHAT THEY WERE LOOKING FOR.........AND JIMMY WAS NEXT TO ME, BECAUSE I WOULD ALMOST BE CLIMBING OUT OF THE CHAIR....I AM ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE THAT CAN'T STAND ANYONE TOUCING MY EYES..........AND THEN THE LASER SURGERIES...THE LASER BEAMS CUTTING INTO MY EYES.......SO PETRIFIED,  I COULD FEEL LARGE BEADS OF SWEAT COMING OUT OF MY BACK.....AND JIMMY WOULD HAVE TO HOLD ME DOWN AS I WAS EXAMINED........I'M GLAD THE INITAL PHASE IS OVER!..............AND SO, THE WORLD IS A BEAUTIFUL PLACE, IF YOU SO CHOOSE IT TO BE!.........................I CHOOSE TO REGARD MY EYESIGHT AS A "BLESSING,"  INSTEAD OF A CURSE!

  EVEN JIMMY'S GOING TO PRISON IS A BLESSING, FOR US BOTH.  THIS TIME FOR ME ALONE HAS ALLOWED ME TO WRITE........TO PURGE MY THOUGHTS..........TO THINK OF THINGS TO WRITE, AND ACTUALLY DO IT.  I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE A WRITER, SINCE CHILDHOOD.........BUT IT WAS ONLY A DREAM......NEVER ENOUGH TIME......NEVER DISCIPLINED, ALWAYS BUSY WORKING...BUSY DOING THIS AND THAT!........AND NOW, HERE I AM , A RETIRED NURSE, ABLE TO WRITE.........WHAT CAN BE MORE PERFECT!

  SORRY THAT I'M GOING ON AND ON HERE!.....SO MANY THOUGHTS ARE FLOWING OUT OF ME TODAY!

THANKS FOR READING MY JOURNAL, AND PLEASE LEAVE YOUR COMMENTS...I JUST LOVE TO READ THEM!

LOVE, FRAN....................A PRISONER'S WIFE STORY SHOULD COME OUT IN THE FEBRUAR

CROSSROADS

AT 10 AM TODAY, I WAS AWOKEN FROM SLEEP BY A TELEPHONE CALL FROM THE LOCAL NEWSPAPER...."THE ASBURY PARK PRESS."  I WAS SHOCKED!....THEY WANT TO PUBLISH A STORY I WROTE IN NOVEMBER , ABOUT A CROSSROAD IN MY LIFE.  TRUTHFULLY, I SENT THE STORY IN ON A WHIM, AND THOUGHT THEY WOULD NEVER PUBLISH IT.  HOWEVER, I WAS WRONG!  THEY LOVED THE STORY!

THE STORY IS ABOUT JIMMY AND I MEETING IN A CHATROOM, WHILE I LIVED IN VEGAS....HOW WE MET, AND MARRIED RIGHT AWAY.  HOW ONE YEAR LATER I LOST MY EYESIGHT, AND THEN HAD TO PICK MYSELF UP, LEAVE BEHIND THE HOME I OWNED, AND THE FRIENDS I KNEW IN VEGAS, SINCE I HAD LIVED THERE FOR OVER 10 YEARS, AND COME OUT HERE TO JERSEY. 

THE WOMAN FROM THE NEWSPAPER WANTS TO INTERVIEW ME IN PERSON, SO ON WEDNESDAY WE WILL MEET.  SHE WILL HAVE A PHOTOGRAPHER COME ALONG TO TAKE MY PICTURES.....CAN YO BELIEVE THIS!....I'M REALLY A SHY KIND OF PERSON, AND CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING.....I THINK THE STORY AND PIX ARE A FULL PAGE FEATURE WHICH IS IN THE SUNDAY EDITION.  I'LL LET YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS, AND WHEN IT WILL BE IN THE NEWSPAPER, SO YOU CAN CHECK IT OUT ON THE INTERNET.

  TODAY I PUT TOGETHER AN ALBUM OF EVERYTHING I HAVE GOTTEN PUBLISHED....IT INCLUDES MAGAZINE STORIES, NEWSPAPER ARTICLES AND LETTERS TO THE EDITOR, POEMS, HAIKU'S................IT IS REALLY QUITE A LOT OF THINGS I HAVE GOTTEN ACCOMPLISHED SINCE JIMMY HAS BEEN AWAY.................

  SOON JIMMY WILL BE COMING HOME.....I JUST CAN'T WAIT........I DAYDREAM ABOUT HIM ALL THE TIME...AS HE DOES ABOUT ME.

  I SENT HIM MY PANTIES AND NYLON STOCKINGS IN AN ENVELOPE THE OTHER DAY..........WELL, LET ME TELL YOU, HE IS THE TALK OF THE PLACE, AS HE HAS TO OPEN LARGE ENVELOPES AT THE MAIN DESK, AND EVERYBODY GOT TO SEE IT!.............LOL............IT'S OK WITH US.......WE ARE FUN PEOPLE............EVERYONE IS JOKING ABOUT IT!..........OH YEAH!....LIKE WE ARE NOT REAL YOUNG IN TODAY'S STANDARDS....LIKE IT'S KIND OF SHOCKING THAT WE ARE SO SEXUALLY ACTIVE WITH EACH OTHER......LET ME TELL YOU, WE BEAT ANYONE, AS FAR AS SEX IS CONCERNED, AND NOT AFRAID TO ADMIT IT...........I LIKE KEEPING THOSE FEMALE HORMONES FLOWING THROUGH ME........IT'S VERY HEALTHY........!!!!...MY HUSBAND IS A BIG TURN-ON!

SO ALL YOU PRISON WIVES, DO A LITTLE SOMETHING TO KEEP YOUR HUSBAND EXCITED WHILE HE'S AWAY!...SEND HIM YOUR NYLONS!

GOTTA GO NOW, SO I CAN DREAM OF JIMMY!......

                                                         LOVE,

                                                            FRAN

p.s......i'm kinda nervous about wednesday and the interview.  i'll try to maintain my cool, and act naturally, just like i am........i'm a natural woman!....no airs or put ons!...

pss......my favorite show on tv is "DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES."....on SUNDAY NITE.......have you seen it?

today's thoughts

HELLO EVERYONE.  THANK YOU FOR READING MY JOURNAL. 

LIFE GOES ON AT KINTOCK.  TODAY JIMMY WENT FOR A JOB INTERVIEW, AND WILL START THE JOB NEXT WEDNESDAY, MOST LIKELY.  THEN, HOPEFULLY, IF THINGS GO AS WE THINK, HE WILL START WEEK-END FURLOUGHS HOME IN A FEW WEEKS......

THE JOB JIMMY HAS CHOSEN IS IN A DELI.  I AM HAPPY HE TOOK THIS JOB.  IT IS NEAR-BY, SO HE HAS LESS TO TEAVEL.  HE WILL BE DRIVEN TO HIS JOB.  THE DELI IS IN A FOODSTORE, SO THE ENVIRONMENT WILL BE PLEASANT....LIGHT AND AIRY.  HE WILL SEE PEOPLE AND TALK TO THEM.  AND MY HUSBAND LOVES TO COOK, AND MAKE PEOPLE HAPPY!.....I CAN JUST PICTURE MY HUSBAND MAKING ITALIAN SUBS WITH SALAMI AND PROVOLONE!.....AH YES!  THE PERFECT JOB FOR JIMMY!....THIS IS JUST A STEPPING STONE, UNTIL HE IS RELEASED ON PAROLE.  IT IS NOT HIS LIFE-LONG JOB...AND SO, EVERYTHING IS FITTING NICELY IN PLACE, AS TIME MARCHES ON!  MY JIMMY HAS A GIFT IN LIFE THAT HE CAN DO ALMOST ANY JOB.....FROM THE TOP TO THE BOTTOM.....FROM THE INTELLECT TO THE LABORER....AND WHATEVER IT IS, HE DOES HIS JOB TO PERFECTION.   UNTIL HE STARTS WORKING IN THE DELI, HE CONTINUES TO COOK IN THE KITCHEN AT KINTOCK!

  JIMMY HAS BEEN WORKING ON A PROJECT AT KINTOCK...TO HAVE A CATHOLIC PRIEST COME TO KINTOCK TO GIVE MASS.  LAST EVENING THAT PROJECT WAS FULLFILLED.  THE CATHOLIC PRIEST CAME TO KINTOCK AND GAVE MASS.  AFTERWARDS, A DISCUSSION AND BIBLE STUDY.  HE WILL BE THERE EVERYWEEK, AND WILL BRING BOOKS AND LITERATURE.  WE ARE BOTH SO HAPPY THAT JIMMY HAS ACCOMPLISHED THIS, WITH THE HELP OF HIS COUNSELOR!......SEVERAL MEN ATTENDED, AND I'M SURE MORE WILL ATTEND AS THE TIME GOES ON.  MY HUSBAND IS ALWAYS ONE WHO TRIES TO ASSESS THE SITUATION, AND HELP OTHERS IN WHATEVER WAY HE CAN.

  THE ANSWER TO THE QUESTION ASKED IN THE PREVIOUS COMMENT.....JIMMY COMMITTED THE CRIME OF "CONSPIRACY."

GOOD-NIGHT!...........................FRAN

THE NEW YEAR AT KINTOCK

LIFE GOES ON AS US USUAL AT KINTOCK, THE HALF-WAY HOUSE, DESPITE THE NEW YEAR!..........ON NEW YEAR'S EVE, THERE WAS A 2 HOUR STANDING LINE TO GET TO A PAYPHONE.....ALL THE GUYS WERE CALLING HOME ON THAT NIGHT.  JIMMY FINALLY GOT TO CALL ME AT 1 AM, RIGHT BEFORE THEY SHUT THE PHONES OFF.  JIMMY SAID, "FRAN, IT IS SAD.  A LOT OF THESE GUYS NEVER GET TO CALL HOME.  IT IS JUST TOO EXPENSIVE.  SO THEY SAVE THEIR CALLS FOR NEW YEAR'S EVE.  WE ARE LUCKY THAT WE TALK EVERYDAY, SEVERAL TIMES A DAY."

JIMMY HOPES THAT NOW THAT THE HOLIDAY IS OVER, HE WILL START HIS JOB.  THE JOB HAS TO BE APPROVED BY THE COUNSELORS.  I REALLY WISH THEY WOULD HURRY UP/  WE ARE NOW INTO JANUARY.  JIMMY CANNOT START HIS WEEK-END FURLOUGHS HOME UNTIL HE STARTS A JOB.  MEANWHILE, HE CONTINUES TO COOK FOR THE MEN AT KINTOCK.  LASTNIGHT DINNER WAS PIZZA AND FRENCH FRIES.....BREAKFAST WAS DONUTS AND COFFEE.....VERY NUTRITIOUS I MUST SAY!  THE MEALS ARE PLANNED BY A NUTRITIONIST, AND JIMMY SIMPLY COOKS THEM.  I AM PROUD OF HIM, AS IT IS A VERY EXHAUSTING JOB....HIS ARM MUSCLES HAVE INCREASED FROM THE HEAVY LIFTING.  HE SAYS HE DOESN'T MIND THE WORK...HE PREFERS IT THAT WAY, SO THE TIME GOES BY FAST.  ANYHOW, I SUGGESTED HE PUT SOME SPINACH ON TOP OF THE PIZZA, TO MAKE IT MORE NUTRITOUS....HE LAUGHED.  THE GUYS WOULDN'T LIKE THAT.  THEY ACTUALLY LIKE THE PIZZA AND FRENCH FRIES.............

  JIMMY'S BED IS RIGHT NEXT TO HIS LOCKER.  HE KEEPS HIS LOCKER DOOR OPEN, WITH ALL MY PICTURES HANGING THERE.  THAT WAY HE STARES AT ME WHILE HE LAYS IN BED........THE GUYS STOP BY AND LOOK AT THE PIX.....JIMMY LOVES HIS PIX...OF ME, US TOGETHER, THE PETS, OUR HOME IN LAS VEGAS, OUR JAQUAR........

  AS FOR ME, I COOKED THE SECOND FREE TURKEY I GOT FROM THE FOODSTORE , TODAY.  THE HOUSE HAS A NICE AROMA TO IT.  THE ANIMALS ARE HAPPY.  JIMBO, THE CAT, IS SITTING IN THE KITCHEN, EYEING THE OVEN, READY TO  POUNCE ON THAT BIG BIRD WHEN IT IS DONE COOKING.  AND PRINCE JUST LOVES TURKEY, TOO....LITTLE MISTY, WELL SHE TRIES TO KEEP HER CUTE CAT FIGURE!....THAT IS REALLY WHY I COOK IT....FOR THE ANIMALS TO ENJOY.

  JIMMY HAS ENCOURAGED ME TO WRITE A STORY FOR A MAJOR MAGAZINE.  I WROTE IT LAST NIGHT, AND I'M IN THE PROCESS OF REVISING IT....I READ PARTS OF IT TO JIMMY ON THE PHONE............SO THAT IS MY PROJECT RIGHT NOW, AND I'M BUSY WORKING ON IT............THE POETRY BOOK IN WHICH I HAVE A POEM PUBLISHED CALLED "THE ROSEBUD," SHOULD BE OUT NOW, AND THEY WILL SEND ME A COPY IN THE MAIL............ALSO, I SANG EARLIER, AND TRY TO SING A LITTLE EVERYDAY.  I SENT JIMMY CASSETTES OF MY SINGING, AND HE SAYS MY VOICE HAS IMPROVED, GOTTEN RICHER SINCE HE LEFT HOME 2 1 MONTHS AGO.  THAT IS ENCOURAGING!....HE PLAYS MY CASSETTES AT KINTOCK FOR THE GUYS AND THEY LIKE THEM....THEY SET IT UP ON THEIR SPEAKERS SO EVERYONE CAN HEAR IT....HOW EXCITING!...........................HAVE A GOOD NIGHT!,

                                                     FRAN