LIFE WITHOUT A HUSBAND

LIFE WITHOUT A HUSBAND IS DIFFICULT......YOU ARE MARRIED, AND YET  YOU DON'T HAVE A HUSBAND.....THERE IS NOTHING HE CAN DO IF YOU NEED HIM...HE IS LOCKED AWAY IN A PLACE, WHERE IT IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO HELP YOU.....IT IS A VERY TERRIBLE SITUATION, AND ONLY THOSE WOMEN WHEO ARE GOING THROUGH IT, CAN REALLY UNDERSTAND.....WHERE IS OUR PLACE IN LIFE?....IT IS ACTUALLY NO WHERE....WE ARE NO ONE AND NOTHING...EVEN IF HIS WIFE DIES, A HUSBAND IS NOT ALLOWED OUT OF THE PRISON TO SEE HER.....HE IS HELPLESS IN ALL SITUATIONS.....HE MAY BE THE STRONGEST MAN ON EARTH, BUT IN A SITUATION WHERE HE IS LOCKED UP, HE IS HELPLESS IN ALL SITUATIONS..............

AND SO, I SIT HERE, ALONE, AND FEELING DEPRESSED...BECAUSE JIMMY IS NOT HERE TO HELP ME THROUGH SOME VERY IMPORTANT SITUATIONS.....HE IS HELPLESS, AND I AM HELPLESS....

I HAVE WRITTEN THIS JOURNAL FOR 10 MONTHS...AND I AM STILL IN THE SAME SITUATION.  THOSE OF YOU WHJO ARE NOT IN MY SITUATION, HAVE GONE THROUGH LIFE IN A NORMAL WAY.....I HAVE NOT......YOU SEE, I LIVE IN A STATE OF "SUSPENDED ANIMATION."...I LIVE IN A PLACE THAT REALLY DOESN'T EXIST....SOMETHING LIKE CYBERSPACE......IT IS REALLY VERY STRANGE......I LIVE IN A DIMENSION OF TIME, THAT IS NOT THE REAL TIME AND PLACE THAT PEOPLE KNOW......I AM LIKE A SPIRIT....I LIVE IN BETWEEN THE FOLDS OF TIME.....THERE IS NO TIME FOR ME.......AND NO PLACE.....

AND EVEN THOUGH JIMMY HAS BEEN GONE FOR 18 MONTHS, I AM STILL IN THE SAME SPOT I WAS IN 18 MONTHS AGO.....I DO NOT PROGRESSS....I DO NOT CHANGE, AND I AM NOT PART OF THIS WORLD.......I KNOW IT MAY SEEM STRANGE, WHAT I AM SAYING, BUT ONLY THOSE PRISON WIVES GOING THROUGH THIS, WITH ME, WHO HAVE REMAINED FAITHFUL TO THEIR HUSBANDS, WITH LITTLE OR NO OUTSIDE SUPPORT, CAN TRULY UNDERSTAND......

I KNOW I AM SANE, BUT I HAVE MY SPURTS OF INSANITY, WHICH I TURN INWARD......RIGHT THIS MOMENT, I FEEL LIKE I AM NOTHING....NO ONE.....NO PLACE IN LIFE.....IT IS ALL SO SCARY.....THE ONLY CRIME I COMMITTED IS A FELL IN LOVE WITH A MAN...A MAN WHO HAD COMMITTED A CRIME BEFORE HE EVEN KNEW ME.....

AND HERE, WE ONCE AGAIN GO INTO AUTUMN.  AND ALL THE HOLIDAYS ARE ONCE AGAIN AT OUR DOORSTEP....AND THE WORLD WILL NOT LEAVE THE DEPRESSED PEOPLE ALONE......THOSE OF US WHO DO NOT WANTTO THINK ABOUT HOLIDAYS.......THE WORLD TORTURES US.....THOSE THAT WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE......I DO NOT PUT HOLIDAYS DOWN....I LOVE HOLIDAYS...THEY ARE WONDERFUL ....WE  NORMALLY CELEBRATE EACH AND EVERY ONE...WE EVEN HAVE A WHOLE ROOM OF STORAGE FOR CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS....BUT THERE IS A TIME AND PLACE FOR EVERYTHING....

AND SO, TODAY, I GO WITHIN MYSELF....THERE IS NO END TO THIS "PLACE IN TIME" CALLED PRISON.....I HOPE IT WILL ALL BE OVER SOON, SO WE CAN CONTINUE WITH LIFE.  YOU SEE, I'M JUST VERY TIRED OF NOT BEING PART OF LIFE....I AM ONE WHO NORMALLY LOVES LIFE...I USUALLY GO HERE, AND DO THIS.....BUT WITH A HUSBAND IN PRISON, EVERYTHING IN LIFE SEEMS USELESS...........AND SO FOR THE PAST 18 MONTHS, I REMAIN "SUSPENDED IN TIME," AND WILL DO SO, UNTIL HE IS RELEASED.

 

NO PHONE CALLS UNTIL SUNDAY

WELL, JIMMY IS NOT ALLOWED TO CALL ME UNTIL SUNDAY.....THE GUYS IN TALBOT HALL ARE BEING PUNISHED......A FEW WEEKS AGO, THE GUYS COULD MAKE PHONE CALLS AND NOT PAY FOR THEM...THERE WAS A PROBLEM WITH THE PHONE SYSTEM.....JIMMY KNEW IT WAS WRONG, AND TOLD THEM THAT THEY WOULD BE CAUGHT.....THESE GUYS WERE MAKING THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS OF FREE CALLS, SOME TO 900 NUMBERS.......JIMMY WARNED THEM THAT A RECPORD OF ALL OUTGOING CALLS WERE BEING KEPT.....JIMMY FIGURES AT LEAST $10,000 WORTH OF FREE CALLS WERE MADE, BUT I WOULD BET IT IS MUCH HIGHER.....NOW, I SUPPOSE THE INSTITUTION IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE BILL.....A BIG INVESTIGATION WAS MADE....PEOPLE THAT RECEIVED THE CALLS WERE CALLED BY INVESTIGATORS....JIMMY KNEW THIS WHOLE THING WOULD BLOW UP....AND SO YESTERDAY, HE CALLED ME WHEN HE FOUND OUT, THE PHONES HAVE BEEN TURNED OFF FROM THURSDAY UNTIL SUNDAY...................NOW, I FEEL IT IS UNFAIR, BECAUSE, JIMMY AND I DID NOTHING WRONG.....HE CONTINUED TO USE COLLECT CALLS, AND WE PAID FOR ALL OUR CALLS AS USUAL.....OUR PHONE BILLS ARE STILL VERY HIGH, ALTHOUGH HE IS NO LONGER IN PRISON.....IN PRISON, OUR BILLS WERE $1000 to $1300 /month.....NOW AT THE REHAB, MY BILLS HAVE BEEN $700 and , THIS MONTH IT IS $600.......I STILL LIVE TO PAY THE PHONE BILLS!....BUT IT IS GETTING BETTER...............AND NOW, WITHOUT THE PHONE, I KNOW HOW MY HUSBAND IS..........HE IS A VERY ANGRY MAN, I IMAGINE AT THIS MOMENT...........HE IS BEING PUNISHED FOR NOTHING HE DID, AND WORSE OF ALL, HE JUST HAS TO HEAR MY VOICE EVERYDAY..............IN THE PRISON, WHEN THIS HAPPENED A COUPLE OF TIMES, HE SLIPPED INTO A DEPRESSION....HE WOULD SIT IN HIS BED FOR HOUIRS AND STARE AT THE WALL, AND LOOK AT MY PICTURES.........PEOPLE WOULD ASK HIM WHAT WAS WRONG, AND HE STOPPED TALKING TO EVERYONE.....I KNOW HOW MY JIMMY IS....HE'LL BE OK, AND BOUNCE BACK THE MOMENT HE CAN TALK TO ME.....WE HAVE A VERY STRONG BOND BETWEEN US....NO ONE CAN UNDERSTAND.....JIMMY HAS A LOT OF ENERGY.....I MAKE HIM CALMER......HE NEEDS ME, AS I NEED HIM.....I ASKED JIMMY WHY IS EVERYONE BEING PUNISHED.....HE SAID IT IS BASED ON THE SAME PRINCIPLES AS BEING IN THE ARMY....

 I WENT TO SEE HIM LAST TUESDAY, AND IT WAS WONDERFUL....I BOUGHT HIM MORE TOILETRIES......AND THE LATEST HARRY POTTER BOOK.........SO, AT LEAST I KNOW HE HAS THAT BOOK, WHILE HE CAN'T TALK TO ME ON THE PHONE

AND NOW SOME VERY WONDERFUL NEWS....JIMMY WENT TO CLASSIFICATION YESTERDAY......HE WILL GO BACK NEXT WEEK...BECAUSE OF HIS TEST SCORES, ETC. , THEY WILL PLACE HIM IN A JOB BEFORE HE GOES TO THE HALF-WAY HOUSE.....THAT IS WONDERFUL, BECAUSE THAT MEANS HE DOES  NOT HAVE TO FIND HIS OWN JOB.....AND THAT WILL PROBABLY MEAN HIS WEEK-END FURLOURGHS HOME, WILL BE SOONER THAN WE THOUGHT.....

....SO, ALL IN ALL, THINGS ARE GOING VERY WELL...............................FRAN

 

 

 

LIFE AT TALBOT

THINGS  ARE THE SAME AT TALBOT,REHAB......JIMMY RUNS THE LIBRARY THERE....HE OPENS IT AT 7PM, AND CLOSES IT  AT 9PM......HE WANTED TO REARANGETHE BOOKS,AND PUT IT INTO EFUSED THAT....SOME SORT OF ORDER,BUT HE WAS DENIED THAT....SOTHE BOOKS REMAIN IN THE HARDCOVER SECTION,AND THE PAPERBACK SECTION...VERY BASIC.  JIMMY COULDHAVEITRE-ORGANIZEDIN2 DAYS.

THESPACE-BARDOESN'T WORK....SOIHAVE  BECOME  FEDUP,TYPING ANYTHING......I CANNOTCONNCENTRATEONWHAT I HAVE TO WRITE, WHEN I AM ONLY CONNCENTRATINGON THE SPACEBAR.....ICAN'TWAITFORMY DESKTOPTO BE FIXED.

I HOPE TO COME AND SEE JIMMY ON TUESDAY.....I RECEIVED A LETTER FROM  MYEYE DOCTOR, A  FEW DAYS AGO,THAT STATED I AM UNABLE TO DRIVE,AND UNABLE TO READ.....MY EYESIGHT CANNOT  BE CURED, BUT WILL ONLY DETERIORATE..................MY RIGHT EYE IS LEGALLY BLIND, ANDTHE LEFT EYE IS BORDERLINE, BUT  COULD DETERIARATE AT ANY MINUTE.....AND SO,THAT'S HOW IT GOES............AND ALL AROUND ME, A BATTLE GOES ON............BEFORE JIMMY LEFT HOME, HE TRIED TO GET FAMILY AND FRIENDS TO HELP ME.....BUT UNFORTUNATELY ,EVERYONE IS TOO BUSY.....PEOPLE ARE STILL IN DENIAL....THEY DO NOT SEEM TO BELIEVE THAT I AM LEGALLY BLIND.....I  HAVE A SISTER  WHO LIVES 20 MINUTES  AWAY.........SHE IS TOO BUSY RUNNING AROUND TOWN,  LOOKING FOR MEN, TO   OFFER TO  TAKE ME FOR  MONTHLY FOOD-SHOPPING.........A FATHER IN LAW, WHO DOESN'T CARE..........I'VE SPENT EVERY HOLIDAY ALONE, IN THIS HOUSE, FOR THE  PAST  18 MONTHS.....ON CHRISTMAS DAY,MY  SISTER  CAME HERE, AND PUT CHRISTMAS GIFTS ON MY LAWN.....I COULD CARE LESS ABOUT PRESENTS THAT DAY.....I HAD A  BAD INFECTION AND WAS BURNING WITH  FEVER................SHE DOESN'T CARE....NONE OF THEM CARE...........ONLY JIMMY  CARES ABOUT ME...AND OF COURSE  OUR PETS...........THEIR RESPONSE,  WAS TO CALL  911,WHEN  I WAS SICK...

..............I WOULD NOT TREAT AN  ANIMAL LIKE THIS.....IN MY JOURNAL, I  HAVE REALLY NEVER TOLD YOU JUST  HOW TERRIBLY  I HAVE BEEN  TREATED   IN THE PAST 18  MONTHS....I ALWAYS  JOKE ABOUT DRIVING...THE  TRUTH IS,NO ONE WANTS TO DRIVE ME....I WOULD STARVE TO DEATH  HERE,WITH MY 3  PETS....

TRUTHFULLY, I AM SCARED FOR THEIR SOULS, BECAUSE ULTIMATELY,WE ALL HAVE TO STAND BEFORE GOD.....

I DO NOT WANT SYMPATHY  FOR  BEING BLIND,OR  HAVING A HUSBAND IN PRISON......AND WHEN THE DOCTOR'S  LETTER ARRIVED, I REALIZED JUST HOW CRUEL THESE PEOPLE ARE.....HOW THEY  TREAT  A BLIND WOMAN.................."FORGIVE  THEM FATHER,THEY KNOW NOT WHAT THEY DO."

TIME GOES ON....

Hello Everyone....

Well,here I  am.....I'm proud of myself. I  was able to attach Jimmy's Dell Laptop to my tabletop computer screen....so I  have both screens on  in front of me...but I'm still  having trouble with the space bar....Tonight I was even able  to hook up the printer. However,the size of the print is too small for me,so I have to search around to put it on x-large

Last Tuesday,I did not see Jimmy...I prepared all day for it...Idid everything I had to....I fed the cats and Prince early.....I was  all dressed  and waiting, when my ride called and said  he  could not possibly  make it....he was far away from me,in  PA....and  was  stuck in traffic....He  actually knew this from the  morning.....that in reality he  would not make it.....I was brought up in a different way.....if you make a committment to  someone, you fulfill  it......if  you  have to  be in 2 places at one time, you tell the person, early, that you can't make  it....so be it...not leave everyone hanging...........................And so,when  Jimmy realized I  wasn't in  the building, he   panicked, thinking I may have been  in a car accident...When I go toTALBOT HALL, I must leave at 4:30PM...and get back at 10:30PM....it is a long  day....and I only get to see  Jimmy for 40 minutes.....oh well, the friend said next  week he'll take me....THAT IS  WHAT A PRISON WIFE IS ,,,,,AT THE MERCY OF EVERYONE....EVERYONE CONTROLS YOUR LIFE...AND I JUST DON'T  LIKE IT, AS I'M A VERY PRIVATE AND INDEPENDENT PERSON.....I  DON'T LIKE TO RELY ON ANYONE, FOR  ANYTHING....I'VE GOT TO DO IT MYSELF, SO I KNOW IT GETS DONE............And so,I  then wenttoWalmart,  and bought4 cases of catfood.....and 2  beautiful BARBIE DOLLS.....CATWOMAN.....and a BALLERINA....and a  pedometer, for when I go  walking.........and so,that was  that.....

computer broken

i am using jimmy's dell laptop,and it is driving me crazy....spacebar barely works....ijust wrote  a  whole entry....and then   it disappeared.....my big tabletop computer  is being  fixed..........I'm going  to see  Jimmy  tomorrow,and can't wait.......i love my journal, and those who read it..........i will write when thhe computer is fixed.....besides me,Jimmyis in love with his delllaptop....it must be female.....Ijust can't handle it,and it  isbeginning  to get onmy nerves!.......FRAN

HURRICANE FRANCES

I AM SURPISED....THE BIGGEST HURRICANE OF THE DECADE, IS HURRICANE FRANCES, MY NAMESAKE.......IT IS KIND OF SCARY, EVERYTIME I LOOK AT THE NEWS MEDIA, THERE IT IS, "FRANCES."....I AM WATCHING LARRY KING NOW, AND THEY ARE SHOWING FLORIDA.  THE REASON FRANCES IS SO TERRIBLE, IS THAT SHE IS A SLOW-MOVING, BUT EXTREMELY STRONG AND POWERFUL STORM.  SHE TAKES HER TIME MOVING.  SHE CAUSES A LONG , WIDE MARATHON OF MISERY.  JIMMY SAID TO ME TODAY, THIS IS REALLY STRANGE, FRANCES  (JIMMY ALWAYS CALLS ME FRANCES, MY ACTUAL NAME, INSTEAD OF FRAN), YOU ARE JUST LIKE HURRICANE FRANCES.....YOU MOVE SLOW, BUT WHEN YOU MOVE, YOU ARE VERY STRONG AND POWERFUL....AND IT IS TRUE.....I TAKE MY TIME IN LIFE, BUT CAN BE POWERFUL......SOMETHING MUST BE MAKING HURRICANE FRANCES ANGRY....SHE IS BLOWING OFF HER STEAM....I JUST PRAY, THAT SHE STOPS THIS, THAT HER ANGER WILL STOP......LIKE ME, SHE CAN STOP AT ANY MINUTE, IF SHE JUST CALMS DOWN...PLEASE , HURRICANE FRANCES, CALM DOWN...SETTLE YOUR DISTRESS WITHIN YOU..........REMEMBER MY MANTRA, WHICH I MADE UP MYSELF............PEACE, HARMONY, BALANCE......................IT IS NOT WORTH IT, FRANCES, TO CAUSE ALL THAT DEVASTATION, ON OUR PLANET..................YOU WILL BE HAPPIER BY SAYING, "PEACE, HARMONY, BALANCE.".........................PLEASE, GOD, SPARE FLORIDA, AND ALL THE PEOPLE AND HOMES THERE FROM THE DEVISTATION OF HURRICANE FRANCES...........PLEASE GOD, DIFfUSE HER ANGER AND STRENGTH....TURN HER FUROR INTO LOVE AND PEACE...INTO BEING A BEAUTIFUL, CALM PEACEFUL STORM.....SPARE ANY LIVES, AFFECTED BY THIS STORM.....PLEASE, FATHER, ABOVE....PLEASE CALM FRANCES.........OH MY!...THE TV IS SAYING IT IS THE WORST OF THE STORM, IN FLORIDA....WINDS OF 85 MILES PER HOUR...THEY ARE TELLING PEOPLE TO GET IN THEIR HOMES, AND GET BEHIND AS MANY WALLS AS YOU CAN..................WELL, I'LL KEEP PRAYING ALL NIGHT....I'M SO SADDENED BY ALL OF THIS.....CAN THERE NEVER BE PEACE ON THIS PLANET?.......................IT IS REALLY "ERRIE," TO BE THE NAMESAKE OF THIS STORM.....TRUTHFULLY, I ALWAYS FELT MY NAME, FRANCES, WAS A VERY BORING NAME...I ALWAYS FELT BECAUSE OF MY NAME, IN GROWING UP, I WAS A VERY BORING PERSON...I ALWAYS WANTED A CUTE NAME, LIKE JUDY....OR ANY NAME....IT'S JUST THAT I HATED MY NAME, FRANCES............AND NOW, ODDLY ENOUGH, HURRICANE FRANCES IS MAKING HISTORY.........

SUNNY DAY....

Today is a beautiful sunny, warm day here in South Jersey....In a little while I'll go outside and walk 1-2 miles....and sit on the park benches, and look at the trees...and the birds and squirrels.....it's so beautiful here!...the ocean and beaches aand boardwalk  are only 15 minutes from my house.....And, it is now almost 1 1/2 years that Jimmy has been away...that is, 18 months.............somehow 18 months doesn't sound so bad....I spoke to his friend a little while ago, and he will take me to see Jimmy this coming Tuesday evening....Even 40 minutes is heaven for me to see my husband....just to hold him, kiss him, hug him.........it is around 4 hours of traveling back and forth, for a mere 40 minutes of being in each others presence.....

  Last night at Talbot Hall, the "ALUMNI CLUB," held a program.....At least 250 residents were there, along with counselors and the Administrator ....The "Alumni Club," consists of men who have graduated from this program, and have gone on to lead good, productive lives...good citizens........some are even Doctors and Lawyers who had committed a crime, and were now reformed....They hold regular meetings and programs, and come back to Talbot Hall to speak to the residents....Jimmy is on the "alumni committee," and is really impressed with the program.....

  Now listen what happened last night!  The men who had graduated from Talbot Hall were giving speeches...the auditorium was filled with residents, listening......Suddenly, one speaker, points to my husband, says his name, and says "This man did something for me last year in Bayside Prison, that changed my life!"............what a wonderful thing!....he actually remembered Jimmy...and acknowledged him in front of everyone!....Jimmy can't believe this happened.........Men at Talbot were coming up to Jimmy, talking to him about this all last night and even today.....Jimmy does help people, all the time....prison or not....he just has a special gift for that....

  I am so proud of my husband....I love him so.....I am here, waiting for him, keeping our home and life "together."